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Thursday, September 30, 2010

thanks for messing up my mind

whats wrong with the world, mama? -black eyed peas
What do you do when people around you twist everything you say into a cruel or wrong or bad joke?

"The bottom of this stupid pizza is crunchy"

My "friends" turned that into something they laughed about for ages.

What do you do when people talk about stuff that shouldnt be talked about and they do it as casually as if they were discussing what they are gonna have for lunch?

What do you do when your "friend" tells you she french-kissed her boyfriend over the weekend, when you havent even held hands with a boy?

What do you do when you show up at school wearing a scoop-necked t-shirt and then you see all the other girls parading around in short skirts and strapless tops?

What do you do when you realize the people that hang around you are not good people and they are bad influences? (I ignored them over lunch and ate with a different group of friends. They swore at me afterwards. Its uncomfortable to have someone hate you, did you know that?)

What do you do when you get so fed up with the crap around you that you want to throw something or bash someones teeth in?

Do you, can you, throw something or bash someones teeth in?

Of course not.

So what do you do?

Hide it behind a grin, a forced laugh?

Isnt this supposed to be getting easier, God?

Because news isnt.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

a silent scream

Its funny how one place can feel like a second home, and another place not so different from the first place can feel so foreign.

Its funny how easily people judge other people not so different from themselves.

Its funny how someone's day can be going great and then a single comment can completely ruin it.

Its funny how thoughtless people can be.

Its funny how fast words can pour out of a persons mouth when they're not thinking about what they're saying.

Its funny how condescending people can act towards someone just a few years younger than them.

Its funny how words - mere verbal syllables - can wound someone so acutely, how sounds can cut deeper than a knife.

Its funny how someone can be so repulsed by someone else's behavior, but act that way themselves.

Its funny how everyone tries so hard to be like everyone else.

Its funny how cruel people can be to other people different from them.

Its funny how a person can be so incredibly nice but has no friends because people judge him because of his weight.

Its funny how I can write that sentence but still feel almost ashamed walking with him through the hallways.

Its funny how people talk to someone, laugh with her, maybe even flirt with her - but completely back off when they find out she's two years younger than them.

But its funny how some people couldnt care less if that someone was thirteen or fifteen.

Its funny how vital appearence is

Its funny how someone can live in a world and not understand any of it.

Its funny how someone is forced to go from extreme shelterdness to extreme exposure and is expected to thrive.

Its funny how someone can go their whole life without hearing a swear word and then grow accostomed to hearing curses as a casual part of conversation.

Its funny how empty someone can feel.

I dont understand. I go to school and I sit in classes and walk through hallways and get taught things by teachers, and I notice things. I write them down. I study them like I study chemistry. And after two and a half weeks I have more questions than I have had my whole life.

This has nothing of substance in relation to this post. But sometimes people write things out of pure emotion even if it doesnt make sense, and thats what I'm about to do right now. I apologize.

I've mentioned before how much I hate chemistry. Not the subject. The class.

Well today a boy walked up to me and looked at my worksheet and saw my name printed on the top.

Rebekah Shaffer.

He said to the girl beside him, "what if you changed the 'a' to an 'i'? Rebekah Sh*tter." The people around him cracked up.

And I turned around and I'm like, "It's Rebekah Shaffer." He and his friends are almost in tears because they were laughing so hard.

And he goes, "Aren't those ts?"

And I say, "Fs." And he goes, "Oh well they look like t's. Cya, Rebekah Sh*tter." And they all laugh again and walk back to their seats.

That hurt. It hurt that they called me that, but it hurt more that they were laughing so hard at me. I have a lot of pride. I felt so angry. Yes, call me sensitive. but I get bothered by this stuff. That experience put a pain in my chest that hasnt gone away yet.

And the little things people say hurt too. When someone calls you a b*tch cuz you accidently bump into them, that hurts. When people refer to you as as "you" because nobody knows who you are, that bothers me too.

You know what I cannot stand?

People treating me like I'm a child.

Yes, I may be three years younger than you, but you do NOT have to treat me like I go to elementary school and sharpen crayons all day.

And you know what, jerk? I may be three or four or maybe even five years younger than you. But YOU'RE the one who got a C- on the chemistry test. And you know what I got? An A.

I'm NOT stupid.

I dont understand. Any of this crap.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

I have to say...God pulls through.

Yes. That's me. Still smiling. After two weeks of public school.

It didnt kill me, did it? In fact...I like it.

Scratch that.

I love it.

I love seeing my friends every day. (you read that right. I have friends!) I love the shiny halls. I love laughing so hard I can't breathe during lunch. I love the teachers. I love my classmates.  

Well, most of them. I hate chemistry. I'm in classes with people sixteen, seventeen, even eighteen years old and most of them are cool about it. But the honors chemistry students? Not so cool with it.

First day, second period. Honors Chem. I walked in, and knew I would be in trouble. It got out in the class that I was thirteen and technically in eighth grade. The whole class interrogated me about why I was there. Literally, they asked, "Why the h*** are you here?!"

Nice choice of words, classmates-o-mine.

Anyways. They haven't forgotten it. I can feel them watching me during quizzes and lectures. We correct quizzes by giving them to our partners to check. I know that my partner shares my quiz scores with everyone in the class afterwards.

Because they're all so intent on watching the thirteen-year-old eighth grader.

I feel the pressure. I cried yesterday after school. I cried today. I will cry tomorrow.

But the truth is, I love it. But its hard. I hate the pressure. I hate feeling like everyone is watching me. I hate that all the juniors and seniors know about me and my "smartness". (by the way. I'm not smart.)

Just today on the bus, I was hanging with my bud Brian and I met a whole bunch of his friends, one of who was in my AP English class. He asked me, "Bekah, you're a new junior?"

I hated to say the words that came out of my mouth next, but I couldnt lie. "No, I'm a freshman."

He swore. Not surprisingly.

But what he said next stuck out at me- "Wow, thanks for making me feel stupid."

I wish that I could be his age, so that I wouldnt cause that kind of feeling in people. Because who likes to hang around someone who makes you feel stupid?

But the rest of my classes I love. I love the people in my Algebra II class. Oleg, Jessica, Natalie, Shae. Love, love, love. Funniest teacher ever. Geometry. Not so much. They're all older and think they're so cool cuz they can add numbers in their head. AP English. Amazing. Tons of amazing people. Epic teacher. AP Geography. Ehh. Not bad. World History Reading with Mr. Haropat = funn (: .

I wrote this down for the sake of rememberance...I remember how scared I was. I remember how terrible the first day was. I remember how many hard days I had.

But it's only gotta get easier from here. Thank God.

Doesn't mean I'm not gonna have hard days, and I'm gonna cry some more...but for now. I need sleep. (:

Monday, September 6, 2010

be brave? ehhh.

Ever done something you dont want to do? No seriously...I'm not talking about doing the dishes when you want to hang with a friend. I'm talking about something a little bigger. Even having a sleepover with a friend you don't really like, and listening to her when you just want her to leave. That counts.

How about a new school? How about skipping a grade? How about starting a new highschool as a young freshman and enrolling in classes with juniors and seniors? Does that sound fun? Does that sound enjoyable? Hmm?

No? Yeah. It doesnt sound fun to me either.

Huge school. Tons of kids - over three hundred in the ninth grade. All of them know each other. I'm dead serious.

I dont have a ton to say right now. I overthink everything, therefore I'm extremely nervous.

Its so much easier to stay within your comfort zone then do something hard. But I feel like God wants me to do this. He has been giving me little signs, little pushes. Homeschooling has nothing for me anymore. It might be the right way for some people. But I'm tired of the shelter, I need the real world in order to be real. I'm not saying homeschooling isn't the real world. But it definitely isn't a realistic world. Its too good. are just sitting there reading this, maybe feeling a little sympathy. Maybe. But I'm sitting here writing this and feeling a lot of fear. So yeah. We'll see how this goes.
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