Everyone in the house is sleeping. My room is dark. And lonely. I hate when I start crying and I don't know why. I can't blame anyone and I can't make any excuses for my tears. All of a sudden I'm just crying. Like right now. Why am I crying? I don't even know. That is what I hate the most.
After five hours of weeding and a visit at a friend's house that seemed to drag on forever, I'm exhausted. The weeding was fine, the friend's house was fine. My day has been fine. I was actually in a really good mood the whole day...but on the drive home from the visit, I suddenly just became...sad. Really sad. I wish I could tell you some really good reason why I'm sad so that I could receive a plethora of sympathetic commens. But there's no good reason. No new reason, I should say. Everything that I feel sad about has been making me feel sad for a long time, so tonight's feelings are nothing new.
I don't mean to make my blog a vent. But I feel so alone right now. It's late night and there's nobody I can call, nobody I can text, nobody I can chat. It comforts me to think that someone will read what I write, somehow it lessens the loneliness. Maybe I should just go to bed. But I wouldn't fall asleep, I would just lay there and pity myself.
I hate pitying myself because I know there is nothing I need to pity myself about. I have a beautiful family, beautiful friends, beautiful abilities and beautiful opportunities. But even though I know I shouldn't pity myself doesn't make me stop pitying myself.
So I'll just shut up now. And go write. Seems like that's all I can ever do anymore. Just write. I can't keep friendships, I can't sleep well, I can't hold my tongue, and I can't stop focusing on this world more than God.
Now I'm done. For real. Bye.