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Friday, June 25, 2010

just in one of those moods

Am sitting here on my laptop at 10:17 PM feeling very lonely. Very, very lonely. When I am in sad moods, my writing improves immensely (you should see what I write when I'm actually happy...very, very poor writing), so I do need to go write. I shouldn't waste this terrible mood.

Everyone in the house is sleeping. My room is dark. And lonely. I hate when I start crying and I don't know why. I can't blame anyone and I can't make any excuses for my tears. All of a sudden I'm just crying. Like right now. Why am I crying? I don't even know. That is what I hate the most.

After five hours of weeding and a visit at a friend's house that seemed to drag on forever, I'm exhausted. The weeding was fine, the friend's house was fine. My day has been fine. I was actually in a really good mood the whole day...but on the drive home from the visit, I suddenly just became...sad. Really sad. I wish I could tell you some really good reason why I'm sad so that I could receive a plethora of sympathetic commens. But there's no good reason. No new reason, I should say. Everything that I feel sad about has been making me feel sad for a long time, so tonight's feelings are nothing new.

I don't mean to make my blog a vent. But I feel so alone right now. It's late night and there's nobody I can call, nobody I can text, nobody I can chat. It comforts me to think that someone will read what I write, somehow it lessens the loneliness. Maybe I should just go to bed. But I wouldn't fall asleep, I would just lay there and pity myself.

I hate pitying myself because I know there is nothing I need to pity myself about. I have a beautiful family, beautiful friends, beautiful abilities and beautiful opportunities. But even though I know I shouldn't pity myself doesn't make me stop pitying myself.

So I'll just shut up now. And go write. Seems like that's all I can ever do anymore. Just write. I can't keep friendships, I can't sleep well, I can't hold my tongue, and I can't stop focusing on this world more than God.

Now I'm done. For real. Bye.

26 replies:

Kat Heckenbach said...

I know the feeling, Bekah. I have those days. We all do. Today, I have nothing at all to complain about--my week's been great--but I was in a funk all day. The full moon coming? Maybe I'll blame it on that :).

Be glad you have writing to use to vent those feelings. It's a gift.

I hope you're feeling better soon!

Eldarwen said...

Bekah, I'm sorry you're crying. I'm crying with you. Why? I know how you feel, that's why. I do the same thing all the time. But you know, if you just talk to God about it, He can really help you. Sometimes you don't want help, though, because you like crying and "letting it all out". I know! I've been there. Just know that we're all here for you, and we love you!

Siriana said...

oh Bekah, I SO know what thats like! its even hardest that feeling you get when you wake up in a dark house and no one else is up...

;) I find reading my Bible to be REALLY helpful...

we're never alone Bekah :)
He's with us, even when the darkness decends, even when we find ourselves in a pit of despair...He's with us, He's here.

Kings Lullaby (written by me...with inspiration from Him ^_^)

Sweet dreams, My darling child
I sing My song to thee
My song of love, how I gave My life,
To save all people
I bless thee My child
To sleep and rest in comfort
I give you peace, I give you dreams
Shine for Me, My Beloved,
Be a light,
For Me
I have placed you here, where you are,
For ‘such a time as this’,
Tomorrow will come, in its own time,
But do not worry, you are Mine,
But for now, rest and sleep
Dream dreams,
Be blessed
Sweet dreams, My darling child
I sing My song to thee,
A lullaby
Written by
The One
And Only

~ever blessings Bekah

Twinkle Toes/Floppy said...

I've had those moments too. I hope you have some time to just relax your mind and cleanse all sad feelings out of you. Have a good night's rest and hope you'll be feeling better soon. :)

Hugs & Blessings,
Twinkle Toes

Elizabeth Rose said...

Bekah, it breaks my heart to hear about you crying at night. As Eldarwen said, reading the Bible should help. There is nothing that can comfort you better than the true Living Word of God!

I will be praying for you.

Love in Christ,
Lizzy Rose

[Laurea] said...

Bekah, I can't say I understand what you're going through because I don't know your situation, but I know how you feel right now. I was just like this at 1 this morning. But I had a long sleep and it got better. I hope things get better for you too.


Stephani said...

We all have those days, and some of us more than others, longer than others. It's difficult. It really stinks when you feel the weight of something dark, but can't see it. But, that is why we don't live by feelings. We can't let them rule us or how we make our decisions. Feelings are like emotional thermometers. They are indicators as to what is going on, they can rise and fall, but they themselves are not the problem. Your emotional temperature will return to normal. Remember God is the same through it all. Trust that when you can't trust your emotions! Praying you'll be feel bright eyed again soon!

Anonymous said...

Awww, I'm so sorry, Bekah! *hugs you fiercely* Trust me I know what it feels like to feel completely and utterly if the whole world's...abandoned you... I love you so very much! *more hugs* =) =) See I give you TWO smilies!! and three more— =) =) =) Hope it makes your day better!!

Oh, and my baby cousin is due this sunday!! yes, he's due on your birthday! I hope he's born sunday!! (my Aunt and uncle are adopting him). My sister and I are going to go up for at least a week soon after Aunt Amy gets him. We'll be some of the first of the family to see him!!!

Love you lots, my dear girl,
~Awel P.

☪Dreamstar said...

I feel a bit like you too. As you saw on WOAH... Hope it gets better, and tears were in my eyes as I read this late last night.

Kylie said...


I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I can definitely relate... hormones are so annoying to deal with! *sigh*

I just feel like God wants you to know that He loves you to pieces, right now, and forever. Just talk to Him as a friend and your Father - He'll be listening. He loves matter what. He'll hold you through this dance called life.

I don't know you very well, but you will definitely be in my prayers. Let me know if there's anything specific I can pray for. <3

- Kylie

Victoria said...

I'm so sorry! I know how you feel! Sometimes you just can't shake of feeling of sadness off of you! I'm gonna be praying for you! :)

God bless,


Anonymous said...

oh dear Rebekah- sorry for your sad night- I pray today was better. some days- or more likely nights- are like that- just rest and let the Lord soothe your heart- turn to His word for comfort and peace-and remember that His mercies are new every morning- almost everything seems fresh and renewed in the morning- rest well dear girl! Lori (aka MrsC you know)

Anonymous said...

Dear Bekah,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dearest Bekah,
Happy birthday to you!!!

I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful, WONDERFUL day!!

Love & Hugs, gurlie,
Awel P.

p.s. and I have the satisfaction of being the first blogger to wish you this too (on your birthday I mean. :)

Marissa said...

Dearest Bekah,
I've missed talking to you SO much!!! And I've missed reading your blog!!! I know those feelings of loneliness for I have often felt them... and especially now, since camp is over. I mean i saw friends for 2 weeks at a time and one friend for 3 weeks. It was insane. I miss them all so much because there was always some one there to talk to even late at night....
I hope you get out of this feeling of loneliness. And btw I'm always up late so if you ever need to talk I'm here. okay?

Love ya!

Christina said...

I know I barely know you (what I know is from your posts), but I'm definitely reading your blog and appreciating what you say. Sometimes it just helps to get your feelings out through writing, even if you don't understand them.

You don't have to put on a brave, amazing, happy face all the time--not even in blog posts.


Alexandra said...

*Happy Birthday!*

Amber said...

Happy Birthday to you, Bekah!

Anonymous said...

I love your blog, it looks gr8.

I'm Brooklyn, I have a blog of my own @ Step by Step

If you wanna come by and comment or follow, feel welcome. I love readers!

Ithilwen said...

oh Bekah, I'm sorry. i know what loneliness is too. I went through that a few years ago. Crying for nothing... But I cried because I lost a friend and I don't know why it happened, she sorta just 'left' me... :/ I was miserable.

Before I freak you out, I'm Awel P's sis! =) But I wanted you to know, I'm sorry you feel lonely. You have a very nice blog, dear! What a lovely, lovely blog!

And you know what, I write better too when I'm in those sad moods =D Smile? Just a little? =)

HHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSS!! And that's because I know what loneliness is like... and I don't want you to feel lonely, dearie! =) Love in Christ, Ithilwen

Jordyn said...

Hey- guess what?! I think you need to change your little description there- you are no longer 'a twleve-year-old girl', rather 'a thirteen-year-old girl'. Hooray!

Elránia said...

I know exactly how you feel. I'll pray that you feel better :) And happy birthday!


Anonymous said...

If I had facebook I would be your friend. =) thanks for your lovely comment, Bekah!!

Love & Miss you!
Awel P.

Eden said...

Sorry you had a sad evening, Bekah. Hopefully, you feel better now. :-) I just found your blog while doing some blog-hopping and love it. I'm looking forward to your next post! Have a blessed (and happy!) day!

[Laurea] said...

Hello, Bekah! I'm just commenting to tell you that you won an award on my Blogger Beauty Pageant on my newest post! Feel free to take the award if you'd like.


Hope Marie said...

Sorry your sad, go enter my giveaway and you will get happy!! go to

BARBIE said...

Bekah, it breaks my heart to hear that you are lonely and sad. I am asking God to come and comfort you and to bring you joy to overflowing. He loves you so very much.

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