"she is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."
-casting crowns, does anybody hear her.
So, I've been realizing some things.
One: I've changed a lot. Reading this blog can clearly show you that. Last summer, I was a different girl.
Two: This change that I've gone through is not good at all. I'm thinking things, saying things, that I would not have thought or said a year ago...
Three: Something needs to change. I was hoping that it would be this summer that I would really re-adjust my focus, but it hasn't really happened.
I've always been a sort of nostalgic person, I've always been aware of how fast time is flying by, how fast I'm changing, etc. But I look at this picture, and I sort of want to cry.
Look at us. Look at me. I'm dressed in a t-shirt, my hair is atrocious, I have no make-up on, braces; overall I look disgusting. But look at how happy we all are. We dont give a crap about what anybody thinks, we're just happy to be around each other. There's no boundaries between us; we're all innocent, carefree, and just plain happy.
Look at me, just last year.
Look at me now.
Do you even see a resemblance?
Yeah, the second girl looks more like the stereotype pretty. But to me, the first girl is more beautiful. There's something in the first girl's smile that's geniune. The second girl's smile is superficial...
The first girl. (on the right)..again with the dorky braids.
And the second girl.
There's really no way to explain this. You can just see it...everything about me has become more shallow. I've become more "normal". Which is exactly what I do NOT want to be. Sure I don't want to look like the first girl for the rest of my life. But there's this element about the second girl that is so fake..
I don't really know what to say, except to apologize. I'm sorry for changing? That's not awkward at all...
Can I make a request for anybody who's reading this (if anyone..)? Could you pray for me? That's a hard question, and even more awkward for me than the apology...I'd really appreciate prayer. I'm a prideful person, and thats a huge flaw in me that I'm trying to work out. I know you're probably sitting there like, I have a million things to do, i'm not gonna remember to pray for a girl I've never even met. But I'd not only appreciate prayer, but I need it.
Could you pray for specifically four things?
Wisdom, to be able to find my way back.
Discernment, to be able to know what is wrong and what is right.
Strength, to be able to say no when I know something's wrong.
And humility, to be able to accept my flaws and want to change them.
I can't believe I'm quoting hannah montana, but:
"you can change your hair and you can change your clothes; you can change your mind, that's just the way it goes. You can say goodbye and you can say hello; but you'll always find your way back home."
That's all for now. Thanks for reading.