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Saturday, July 31, 2010

what's tangible

Ever get to the point where so many things are wrong that you just lay in bed wondering where you even start to mend? Broken relationships, insecurity, doubts and fears of equal measure, and this overwhelming deadness inside that's frightening to ponder on. Also, what do you do when you reach the point where you dont know yourself anymore? How do you fix that? "Hey self, let's get reacquainted because you are a total stranger to me right now." Yeah, I dont think so.

I look at myself just a year ago. I read diaries from just a short year ago. And I'm a totally different girl. My friends notice it and my family notice it. Just a year ago, I didnt care heck what people thought about me. I wish I could say the same now, but it's exactly the opposite. I've changed. Not in the maturing way. Everyone matures. I'm changing. My moral standards are lowering. I spend less and less time with God. Things are shifting. My core is adjusting to the world. My inner compass is spinning out of control.

Those metaphors are all very nice but the truth is. I dont know me anymore. And when you get to that point, where you're so strung out you dont even know yourself, its hard to change.

I want to change. My week in Rapid City helped me realize that. I cried my eyes out the last night when we got our feet washed because God opened my eyes to everything I'm doing that is not like myself.

If I be honest with myself (which is really painful to do), then I have to come to the conclusion that I'm conforming. Is it my choice of friends that is encouraging that conformation? I could say yes. Then I can blame other people. I do hang out with a variety of people, from strict Christians to kids very lax in their faith (or dont have any at all). But I cannot blame that on them because regardless of my surroundings it shouldn't affect my inner being. So whose fault is it, really? Mine. completely mine.

The little choices I find myself making disturb me. Reading Harry Potter instead of my Bible. Listening to my iPod before bed instead of praying. Forgetting God during the day instead of having Him be my constant companion. These things pile up and before I know it, I never read my Bible, I never pray, and I never think about God, ever. I focus on the tangible things, and make those things more important. I forget the non-tangible: God. Faith. Heaven. Jesus. Everything that is truly vital I push to the side.

these things are important...

...but when they replace God? When they shunt Him out? Friends are so beautiful. I am so blessed by my amazing friends. But I'm so busy with them. Constantly hanging out with them or planning another time. And that's just one example. What about Facebook? What about my cell phone? Oh and what about my appearance. I worry about that a lot.

Do you see what I mean? These things are good things. But they have become much much much too important to me. I cling onto what is tangible. And completely forget what is really important.

Today, I just looked around me. I'm drifting away from my family. I realized I don't run to my mom like I used to. I don't pray before bed with my sister like I used to. When was the last time me and my older brother had a down-to-earth talk? I never spend time with my younger brother anymore. He asks and begs and pleads and I keep saying no and before long he's not even gonna ask. And just today my dad asked if I wanted to go to Caribou and I immediately said no because who needs the calories that a Caribou has? Why the heck am I turning it down because of the calories? I should treasure the time it would offer one-on-one with my daddy.

I wish I could end this post on something hopeful, something suggesting rapid change. But I couldnt come up with anything that would be true. What do you want me to say? Want me to lie and say that tomorrow morning I'll probably wake up and go to church and sing my heart out and cry over the sermon? Do you want me to say that I'll immediately feel a vibrance inside and a realness and a certain life that belies Christ? Because both you and me know that that's impossible.

All I can say is that I'm trying. I'm trying to live life the right way. I'm trying to do my best. I'm trying to honor everyone and make the right choices.

But is that enough? I dont know anymore.

Truth be told, I dont know anything anymore.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Sorry...but life is way too busy

This is a short post to apologize for my lack of posting and explain why. Life is BUSY. I'm trying to enjoy summer (I'm going to go put lemon juice in my hair and then lay in the sun...lemon juice lightens your hair, you know) and blogging just doesn't fit into the schedule. I'm leaving for my mission trip on the 18th (I WILL post pictures when I come back, I promise) and life just flies by. Blogging isn't working for me anymore.

So I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to take a little break...for how long, who knows. I won't delete my blog or anything like that, but I just wont update it very frequently. If you want to stay in touch, you can click on my Facebook badge and become friends, or you can just email me. Cause I have tons of blogging chums that I dont want to drift away from.(:

With that, I take my leave.
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