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Saturday, July 31, 2010

what's tangible

Ever get to the point where so many things are wrong that you just lay in bed wondering where you even start to mend? Broken relationships, insecurity, doubts and fears of equal measure, and this overwhelming deadness inside that's frightening to ponder on. Also, what do you do when you reach the point where you dont know yourself anymore? How do you fix that? "Hey self, let's get reacquainted because you are a total stranger to me right now." Yeah, I dont think so.

I look at myself just a year ago. I read diaries from just a short year ago. And I'm a totally different girl. My friends notice it and my family notice it. Just a year ago, I didnt care heck what people thought about me. I wish I could say the same now, but it's exactly the opposite. I've changed. Not in the maturing way. Everyone matures. I'm changing. My moral standards are lowering. I spend less and less time with God. Things are shifting. My core is adjusting to the world. My inner compass is spinning out of control.

Those metaphors are all very nice but the truth is. I dont know me anymore. And when you get to that point, where you're so strung out you dont even know yourself, its hard to change.

I want to change. My week in Rapid City helped me realize that. I cried my eyes out the last night when we got our feet washed because God opened my eyes to everything I'm doing that is not like myself.

If I be honest with myself (which is really painful to do), then I have to come to the conclusion that I'm conforming. Is it my choice of friends that is encouraging that conformation? I could say yes. Then I can blame other people. I do hang out with a variety of people, from strict Christians to kids very lax in their faith (or dont have any at all). But I cannot blame that on them because regardless of my surroundings it shouldn't affect my inner being. So whose fault is it, really? Mine. completely mine.

The little choices I find myself making disturb me. Reading Harry Potter instead of my Bible. Listening to my iPod before bed instead of praying. Forgetting God during the day instead of having Him be my constant companion. These things pile up and before I know it, I never read my Bible, I never pray, and I never think about God, ever. I focus on the tangible things, and make those things more important. I forget the non-tangible: God. Faith. Heaven. Jesus. Everything that is truly vital I push to the side.

these things are important...


...but when they replace God? When they shunt Him out? Friends are so beautiful. I am so blessed by my amazing friends. But I'm so busy with them. Constantly hanging out with them or planning another time. And that's just one example. What about Facebook? What about my cell phone? Oh and what about my appearance. I worry about that a lot.

Do you see what I mean? These things are good things. But they have become much much much too important to me. I cling onto what is tangible. And completely forget what is really important.

Today, I just looked around me. I'm drifting away from my family. I realized I don't run to my mom like I used to. I don't pray before bed with my sister like I used to. When was the last time me and my older brother had a down-to-earth talk? I never spend time with my younger brother anymore. He asks and begs and pleads and I keep saying no and before long he's not even gonna ask. And just today my dad asked if I wanted to go to Caribou and I immediately said no because who needs the calories that a Caribou has? Why the heck am I turning it down because of the calories? I should treasure the time it would offer one-on-one with my daddy.

I wish I could end this post on something hopeful, something suggesting rapid change. But I couldnt come up with anything that would be true. What do you want me to say? Want me to lie and say that tomorrow morning I'll probably wake up and go to church and sing my heart out and cry over the sermon? Do you want me to say that I'll immediately feel a vibrance inside and a realness and a certain life that belies Christ? Because both you and me know that that's impossible.

All I can say is that I'm trying. I'm trying to live life the right way. I'm trying to do my best. I'm trying to honor everyone and make the right choices.

But is that enough? I dont know anymore.

Truth be told, I dont know anything anymore.

18 replies:

Jordyn said...

ohhhh bekah, can we talk tomorrow after church? i'd love to hear all your thoughts. i totally get where you're coming from though, i've felt the same way- it's so hard to realize that your favorite things in the world are the things that detract you from the most IMPORTANT thing ever. love you, my amazing, tender-hearted friend!

Jenna said...

Oh Bekah. Im sorry you are going through all of this. I wish i could make it all better. You know what is the worst feeling in the world? Wanting to help your best friend but all you can do is stand and watch her go through all this suffering. I may not be able to make everything better. But i will always be here for a shoulder to cry on. I love you. And you will make it through this! You got this girl! :)

Love, Jennnaaa (:

Kat Heckenbach said...

Bekah, you said, "All I can say is that I'm trying. I'm trying to live life the right way. I'm trying to do my best. I'm trying to honor everyone and make the right choices."

The thing is, it's not about trying and trying and trying. We can't try hard enough. But if you just open up to God and tell Him how lonely and inadequate you're feeling--how hard it all is, and how what you want is to have your heart focused on Him, then He will help you. It's not impossible to have a complete change of heart overnight!

If you really are desperate for a change, tell God. Tell Him all of it--everything you said here, and everything you couldn't say here. It really is the first step--just opening up to Him. I can promise you I've been a lot farther from Him than you are, and I know from experience that all it takes is you opening up and letting Him know your heart, and He can close ANY distance.

Eldarwen said...

I went through the same thing, Bekah. I think we all do. It's a part of growing, and learning about what's really important in life. God uses these times to bring us closer to Him, and to refine us. God puts us through the "fire" until He can see Himself in us. He wants to help us, that's the whole reason we go through these tests of faith. Just stay strong, Bekah. :) Believe, me you're not the only one who has been through this, and we'll always be here to encourage you. Love ya girl!!

Love,
Eldarwen

Emii said...

I really get what you're taling about -- I know I don't spend enough time with God, and too much time doing other stuff like Facebook and MSN.
I'm having a giveaway over at my blog, a "ForeverFriendsJournal" by Robin Jones Gunn. It looks really good, so it would be cool if you could come check it out.:)

Siriana said...

Dear Bekah,

I know how you feel.
Believe me, I do SO much more than I can even go into in merely a comment.

I've had this wall that I was building up around me. It was slowly but surely, and it wasn't good. I stacked up all my bitterness, regrets, guilt, cynicism, pain and sorrow, allowing it to become a wall keeping me from God. I wasn't reading my Bible, I sure wasn't praying anymore, I was doing everything halfheartedly and I was carrying around this bitter, empty ache and feeling of empty numbness inside.

But last week I went to camp.
God tore down the wall, but I had to give in, and let go...and it was SO not easy. Every day, every moment when I feel the sorrow coming back in to sap my strength and fire I have to pray. Everyday I have to continue to make the choice...

But

I don't feel sick anymore.
I feel healed.

I don't feel isolated and alone anymore.
I feel free.

Bekah, I know what you are feeling, and I deeply empathize with this pain.

I'm praying for you :) praying that God can get through to you like He did with me...and believe me, there was a lot to get through. It took quite few services at camp before I even began to feel like I was free.
praying for hope, fresh fire, and His Holy Spirit.

lots blessings and prayers in this hard time,
~Siriana

Autumn said...

I'll be praying for you during this hard time. Remember Jesus loves YOU. He loves you despite your faults even if you forget Him He loves you and always loves to have you come and tell Him your wories, wishes, joysand woes.
Blessings
Autumn.

Rachel M. said...

I know what you mean as well, dear friend.
I have had and still do sometimes, of being insecure (at 19!) but I shouldn't be hard on myself either, and worrying about "What does she think of me?" or "He is frowning at me. Is he mad at me?" and I think with God's help alone definitely, and remembering His passionate love for us like Autumn said above, we will want to be ourselves--be like Jesus. :)

love you LOTS dear Bekah, sister in Christ, and rest in His love today :)

Rachel

Rachel said...

Bekah,

Know that you are in my prayers no matter what. Keep looking to Jesus. Part of surrender is falling on your knees -- recognizing that you need Him. It's that old, and life-long, battle against self. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

This is one of my favorite verses. I cling to it, and pray that these words take root in your heart and bring you comfort and hope.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
(Philippians 3:12-14)

With love,

Rachel

Barbie said...

Bekah,

Your heart is tender to the Lord, otherwise you would not be sensing this pulling and feeling of discontentment. He loves you just as you are, and where you are. You cannot try hard enough. Your loving Father in Heaven desires that you would simply rest your head upon His breast, feel His love for you and be still and know that He is God. He doesn't want you to give up hanging out with your friends, or doing what you love to do. That's how He created you! But allow Him to show you how to bring Him into all of it. And never forget, You are amazing, and well loved, and so deserving of that love!

Joni said...

I'll be praying for you. Hang in there. We all get lost sometimes, but God always knows who and where we are. He'll always be there, just waiting for us to turn to Him. That's where I find myself whenever I feel lost: I find myself in Him. I know you're life is not mine, my experiences aren't yours, but our God is the same awesome God. He's a God who is loving, accepting and longing for your heart and time. He's captivated by you.

Love from a Daughter,
Joni

Miss K said...

I know what you're going through and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I will be praying for you. I hope you'll check out my online, Christian magazine for tween/teen girls: http://bloommagazine.webs.com. It would make my day if you subscribe!! :)
KyAnn

Maggie said...

Hey!

I started a free, online Christian girls magazine called Inspired. I was wondering if you were interested in subscribing or joining the staff. For more info, check out our website: www.inspiredmagazine.webs.com

Blessings,
Maggie
www.foreverfindingmybliss.blogspot.com

Josh Healy said...

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harumyharu said...

Bekah - I've been through the exact same thing! My advice would be to just let go - abandon yourself to God for a day. See how it feels!
A good book recommendation - "Captivating" by Staci Eldridge.
~ Mirriam ♥♥♥

Milli said...

I read the comments above and i agree with them. Hang on, it's gonna get better. God will help :)

Love and blessings,
Milli

Anna said...

Bekah, That is so true!! I'm going through the same kind of thing... I feel like I'm slipping away from God. I am also finding myself not reading my Bible and skipping the prayer I would do every night... I totally understand where you're coming from...
Hope things get better for both of us!!
Anna ♥

Joy said...

Hey Bekah,

I just found your blog via Olive Tree over at Horsefeathers.
i like your posts, though i've only ready a couple. =)

I just wanted to say that i am going through this same stuff RIGHT NOW. and it is really frustrating, isn't it??

one of the things i realized though, is that God really really loves and honors you when you are trying hard. from the posts i've read, i see that you really yearn to know God better.

and you know what? he loves that!! he really really does. because it's the seeking that counts. it's the searching that is what counts. THAT is one of the things He loves about you, Bekah. your seeking, your love, your searching, your constant loving Him. you love Him so much that you get frustrated about it. that's what happened in this post. you're frustrated because you can't seem to get closer to Him. you keep trying, and it's so hard!!

the trying is what counts.

you keep it up, Bekah. it's what God loves, to see someone searching Him.

and honestly, one of the reasons I am down in the dumps lately, is because I am surrounded (and i mean literally, surrounded) with people who are not helping me at all. and the sad thing is, these people are Christians. and they are not helping me. they make me feel inadequate. they make me feel like i'm not getting anywhere with God, when the truth is, i AM. i just can't see it because i keep comparing myself to my friends' relationships with God.

YOUR relationship with God is YOUR relationship with God. it's probably not gonna be the same as everyone else's relationships. because it wasn't meant to be "like everyone else's." it was meant to be YOURS.

idk if this makes ANY sense at all, and if i totally missed what you were saying or if I offended anyone, i'm SO sorry because i didn't mean to. but i hope this helps.

rock on, Bekah!!

~ Joy

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