who am I?

Who Am I?


-Dietrich Bonhoeffer



Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like on accustomed to win.



Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

Compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?



Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!

*this is perfect for me right now...i am obsessed with this poem.

let it go

I am a perfectionist. If you know me at all, than you know that much. I berate myself constantly if I fall short of any goal that I set for myself, whether it be in school, sports, or music. Everything gets me down, honestly....like I just got back from a track meet. I am extremely unhappy with my time.

See, I have this best friend named Hannah. We're in track together (she's the girl in the picture from the previous post). It was both of our first year in track. We're both decent, she's just very much better than me. Today her time was a good 20 seconds faster than mine. Her time was spectacular (beat the lettering time by 2 full seconds) and mine just wasn't.

I could be jealous of her for so many reasons. She was snow queen for our grade, everyone who knows her adores her, she's hilarious, she's so easygoing and friends with literally everyone, and a better runner than me. I'm struggling now with it, but I just gotta let it go.

There's always gonna be someone better than us, at everything we do. It is sorta depressing to think about, but no matter what we do or where we go, there will ALWAYS be someone that can do whatever you can do better. Doesn't that bother you? Doesn't matter if I run a 6 minute mile. There's always someone who can run fastaer. Doesn't matter if I graduate college at 19. There's always someone who's graduated earlier. Doesn't matter if I can play Vivaldi's Concerto number something-or-other. There's always someone who can play better than me. Doesn't matter if I get so many commments on my default. There's always someone who's prettier than me. Doesn't matter if I work so hard on my faith. There's always someone who is a better Christian than me. 

You get what I'm saying? Gah it just goes on and on. I have to break that cycle. I have to accept me for who I am. I HAVE to.

I do feel better now that I wrote that out. Sorry that my post didn't move you to tears....I know there's so many better blogs out there. But thanks for reading mine...it helps to get my thoughts down.  

so...up for a normal post ? (:

Hey guys....its been way too long since I've written a normal, happy, teenage-girl post. I've kinda just blogged when I'm feeling emotional, and I don't want my blog to be a vent.

So I'll just kinda share some pictures, some thoughts and we'll see how this goes. (:

I just took literally like a 30 minute bubble bath; I lovelovelove relaxing things like that. This morning at my church we had a flash mob dance sort of thing; during the offering song, the whole NextGen program (the mentoring youth group) had a dance planned out, and it was, needless to say, incredibly fun. If there's a video or anything I can put up here, I will.

Tomorrow's Monday.....yuck. It's so close to summer that it sucks to be sitting in school when it looks gorgeous outside - even though we haven't been having the greatest weather lately. (:

 ^^^^^ I get bored .

 And I like playing the violin.... (:

AND I LOVE PEOPLE <3

 

And also jeans (:

Hahah...I know this post sucked, but oh well. I tried. 

Oh, my dad ran a half-marathon this morning, and I made varsity track. (: Kay bye.

-Bekah

perfect imperfections

It's so easy to make little excuses for little mistakes. It's so easy to say, "Hey, God, don't get on my case, I only said it one time," or "Hey, God, what would you have done in this situation? I'm pretty sure I acted like anyone else would have acted, I didn't do anything wrong," or "Hey, God, I yelled at Peter today cuz I was crabby, I don't usually act like that, give me a break."

It's so easy to let the devil get a foothold, as they say. It's so easy to conform without even knowing you're doing it. It's so easy to change unconsciously, to be like everyone else.

When I was homeschooled, I didn't know anything about "the outside world"; if you're homeschooled, that happens. When I entered public highschool, I learned rapidly what was cool and what wasn't.

I changed how I did my hair. I changed how I did my makeup. I changed the way I dressed and the way I walked. I changed the way I laughed and the way I wrote. I changed the radio station I listened to. I changed the books I read and the music I bought. I changed my ideas of what was acceptable and what was not. I changed the things I talked about. I changed the way I view myself. And the list goes on..

You want the gist of it? I changed myself. Bit by bit. It started with my music and ended with my morals and now I've lost myself.

I've been a Christian on the good days. I've prayed when I remembered to, but my prayers are dead and meaningless...just words. But I feel like I am a good girl. I dont swear, I dont date, I dont make dirty jokes, I dont skip school, I dont do drugs, I dont smoke, I dont drink. So on the outside, I am a good girl. I'm respectable.

And that's exactly where the problem is. Society TELLS us who we are, and we HAVE to live up to that expectation. I HAVE to be skinny. I HAVE to be pretty. I HAVE to be popular. I HAVE to be smart. I HAVE to be funny. I HAVE to be athletic. I HAVE to excel at EVERYTHING I do, otherwise I am a FAILURE. I have to be able to wear size two jeans, otherwise I am a BAD person. I have to wear the cutest clothes otherwise I am a BAD person. I have to have a million cool friends, otherwise I am a BAD person. I HAVE to make varsity, otherwise I SUCK at life.

I have to be PERFECT, otherwise I am WORTHLESS.

That is what society tells us, as young women. WE HAVE TO FIGHT THAT. That is NOT the truth, that is lies. We CANNOT believe what they tell us, because we are SO much more than that. We CANNOT let that lie define us. We MUST look beyond what is smothering us, and know that we are MEANT for a different world. We MUST know that this world full of lies and deceit and crap is NOT all there is. We must TRUST that there is more to life than the constant battle for perfection and fitting in.

JUST BECAUSE society thinks that it can TELL us who we are, that DOES NOT MEAN that we have to listen to it! Today, girls, lets STEP ABOVE that, lets REFUSE to re-mold ourselves to fit into the world's patterns BECAUSE GOD MADE US FOR A DIFFERENT WORLD.

If you weigh 150 or 110, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If your face is blemished or unblemished, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you have a ton of friends or not that many, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you struggle with school or you dont struggle with school, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you make everyone laugh or just a couple people, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you can run the mile in six minutes or fifteen, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

You DO NOT have to live up to the world's standards, because it will fade away, and YOU will be left standing in front of God, and NOTHING ELSE WILL MATTER. Those jeans you spent all your money on? GONE. All those friends you had? Gone. Does God care how much you weighed? Does He care if you made varsity or JV? Does He care if you were popular? Does he care if you were funny?

NO.

Everything that the world tells you matters, DOESNT. As young women, we have to IGNORE the pull of the world.

Because guess what?

This. World. LIES. It does not tell you the truth. God is the only truth, and I have to GIVE my life to Him, otherwise I wasted it.  I have to spend it GLORIFYING HIM, because He is the ONLY THING that matters.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. -Hebrews 12:1

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. John 15:19

The Loves of my Life

#1. Running.

I love running more than anything else right now. I love pulling on my spandex underarmour tights, squeezing into my compression shirts, wiggling my fingers into running gloves, covering my head with a nike knit cap, tying up the laces of my shoes, stretching the muscles of my legs until they cry for mercy, twisting around until the muscles of my entire upper body are loose; and then opening the door and stepping out into the frosty winter atmosphere, hearing the snow crunch beneath my feet as I take in a deep breath and feel the sharp air bite my lungs; and then setting off. The wind chaps my nose and lips until they bleed and after the first one or two miles I lose all feeling in my fingers and toes. My body, my mind and my soul get into a rhythm, a groove, and I don't pull out until every particle of my mental and physical body is so exhausted that continuing on is not an option.

After a hard day at school, there is nothing that makes me feel better than lacing up my faithful tennis shoes and going for a 6 mile run.

#2. Shontelle & The Script.

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you?♥

-the script

"T-shirt" - Shontelle.

"Breakeven (Falling to Pieces)" - The Script.

"Impossible" - Shontelle.

#3. Black and White.

Photography.♥

(why is this picture sideways?? I dont know how to fix it. )

(^^^^the picture above was taken around the holidays, when I still had that 15 extra pounds sitting on my torso.)

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

-Bekah