You Can't Define My Worth

I'm not the shoes I wear, I'm not the clothes I buy
I'm not the house I live in, I'm not the car I drive
I'm not the job I work, You can't define my worth
By nothing on God's green earth, my identity is found in Christ.

Everything in this world is upside down. The things that should not matter, suddenly occupy my every moment. And the things that do matter, are cast aside, are left behind, are subconsciously shoved into a dark corner of my mind and forgotten. It's a new year, but nothing seems to have changed. Nothing is different, but everything is different. I changed...and I've been entombed in this new Bekah for so long that I can't go back to the old Bekah. Nothing has changed, but everything has changed. Nothing is different, but everything is different.

Identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self destruct.

Writing used to be, quite literally, my life...I would live in the worlds I created, I would breathe the air that I produced, I would act the characters that flowed from my fingertips. How can something that used to be everything to you suddenly mean nothing to you? I try to write, but I've lost it. I've lost the way with words that I used to have. I wrote two pages yesterday, forced myself to write them, forced myself to pretend the way things used to be.

They wont like me if I ain't in them J's or them brand new Nikes,
Lets dig deeper inside my pysche
When it's all said and done even I don't like me

When things are going my way, I'm happy. When I go shopping, when I have a good day at school, when I'm hanging out with a friend, I am happy. But my mood goes up and down, up and down, constantly in flux, never steady. The little things matter the most to me. I get more upset over the fact that I didnt get to see a friend than the fact that day by day I am spending less and less time with my siblings....Everything is backwards, upside down. I'm lost, I've fallen down the rabbit hole and am in a strange world in which I know nothing about. Without my Jesus, nothing makes sense, nothing gives me joy, I am constantly preoccupied with chasing dust bunnies while my soul is crying out for something more...something deeper. Some people might be content with following the wind, but I long for somewhere I can call home. Life seems so meaningless, I need Jesus, I need hope that this is not all there is.

Got her hair done, toes and nails
Is that Her? well it's hard to tell
Cause she's so caked up in so much make up
It's like she's tryna make up for what she ain't.

Silver jeans, a Guess sweater, Ugg boots, Charlotte Russe earrings, all those things are nice, but they cannot be my identity. I AM NOT THE CLOTHES I BUY. These things are so trivial, so unimportant! So why are they my life?? Why do I spend so much money and energy and thought on clothes, on appearence, on my hair, on my friends?

How do I gauge success, why do I say I'm blessed?
Is it the car that I drive or the place that I rest or the way that I dress?

Dear Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for how childish I have been. Forgive me for how much time I have wasted, forgive me for how I have ignored you. Worshiping you is the only reason I am on this earth, and yet I have let everything distract me, pull me away from the purpose of life. I want to be a part of your kingdom, I want to be yours...FOREVER.

To live is Christ yeah that's Paul I recall
To die is gain so for Christ we give it all
He's the treasure you'll never find in the mall
Your money your singleness marriage talent and time
They were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is Divine
That's why it's Christ in my rhymes
That's why it's Christ all the time
My whole world is built around him He's the life in my lines,
I refuse to waste my life
He's too true ta chase that ice.
all quotes by lecrae, "identity" and "dont waste your life"

I don't want to be a part of something I don't believe in. I don't want to do the same old every day...I want to be real, deep, new. God, I'm so sorry for taking this long to realize that.

that other half

Dear Jenna, my other half. My best friend for as long as I can remember. The one who knows me better than I know myself.

Jenna, life is hard - I don't know why God has given you and me our seperate burderns, but I know that he has given me you to help me get through.

I'm not saying our friendship is perfect. But it is the best friendship I have ever had, or will ever have. in fact I can far enough to say that it is more than just a friendship: you are my family.You are my sister and I love you.

God's given me you to help me laugh when I want to cry. He's given me you to listen, to help me carry my burdens with perserverance. He's given me you to punch me when I need you to, to wrestle with me, to mess up my perfect hair-do, to remind me that the simple joys in life are the ones we choose to overlook. He's given me you to help me see through the lies and barriers that I put up around myself. By simply being there, Jenna, you have saved my life.  

We were little third graders, awkward around each other. We were maturing fifth graders, shy around each other. We were seventh graders, with our ridiculous hair. Now we are eighth graders (well..you are:), and I want you to be my best friend until I die.

Thank you...for everything. You've helped me hold on to myself and to God when all I wanted to do was let go. Love you, Smee.

me. my life.

So often, we lose sight of ourselves. Like, you know. "Conforming." That word that big Christians use to describe something that everybody does: Changing. Not maturing, not growing up, but changing in the sense of unconsciously making your life look like someone else's life, making your quirks like someone else's quirks. You know how that goes. We've all done it. Conforming. Comparing. Changing.

I'll use a simple example from my own life. All my life, I've always left my hair down, done nothing to it. I've always let frizz control it, because I never knew anything other than that. The only variety I had was sometimes I pinned back my bangs, with the bobby pin dorkily sticking out from my head. And you know what? I didn't really care. And my hair was so healthy - true, it looked rather unattractive. But like I said I didn't care. Now I tease my hair to ridiculous heights; I bouffant it; I french braid my bangs instead of clamping them flat to my head with a bobby pin; I curl it; I straighten it; I crimp it. This is definitely not a bad thing. I thank the good Lord that I finally know how to do my hair. I can use another example that's not good, how I've tried to change so I'm more like everyone else.

But Regina Spektor explained it quite well:

everybody's features have somehow started blending, and everything is plastic, and everyone's sarcastic, and all your food is frozen, it needs to be defrosted.

If everyone is like everyone else, then there's no such thing as freedom. If the world's definition of normal is fake, and everyone is obsessed with being normal, then there's no such thing as real.

I just can't do fake anymore. I've been down that road, and it leads nowhere.

But you know, there's two sides of the spectrum. Faking fake, and faking real. Faking real is just as bad as faking fake; worse, maybe. Painting yourself as a person who you want everyone to see as perfect. Perfect religion. Perfect life. Perfect emotions always perfectly in control. Always with a perfect smile on your face, always with the perfect verse on your lips.

I've also been there, and it only results in hopelessness, emptiness and desperation.

When I try to be someone I'm not, whether it be the perfect Christian or the perfect Fake, everything gets screwed up. I get screwed up. I guess God just made it so that we are who we are, and we just have to accept that.

Maybe I don't have enough money to have as many clothes as this girl does. Maybe I don't have enough hairspray to rat my hair into a brick wall. Maybe I'm not the skinniest, or the prettiest, or the funniest. There's always someone that in our eyes is "better" than us. Maybe they're five pounds lighter. Maybe their family is five dollars richer. But so what. I just have to learn to not care anymore.

The only way to be real is to be me.

old picture.

a point?

What will I be doing twenty years from now? Where will I be? More importantly, who will I be?

Will any of this stuff that seems to take up my life even matter anymore? Will I have forgotten the drama that seems to be everywhere? Will I be able to look back on the things that made me cry and be able to laugh, or even smile?

Who are the people that will be surrounding me, twenty years from now? Will any of the friendships that I am investing in now last that long?

Will I still be doing the things I'm doing right now twenty years from now? Am I spending my time doing the right things, the things that will stay with me?

Am I focusing on the things that should be focused on? Am I spending time on the relationships that really matter versus the ones that don't?

Sometimes you just gotta stop and ask, what am I doing that's worthwhile? I think we get caught up so easily in the things that are so pointless - drama, for instance. The whole she-said he-said cycle. Dont you just kinda get sick of that? Some people just love that, though. No offense, but I have never been able to stomach drama. Its stupid, and pointless, and half of the time it's completely ridiculous. You just gotta laugh at how immature some people can be.

 I've mentioned my old diaries before - I read them and re-read them a lot. I used to be so obsessed with Webkinz. You know those cute little furry creatures that took over the world for a brief period of time? They were everywhere. Everyone had them. I was so caught up in saving up money so I could buy a Webkinz - then when I got my first one, I immediately started pooling my money so I could buy another one. I spent almost a hundred dollars on Webkinz. Now, just a year or two later, I've completely forgotten about all of my Webkinz - I lost them all. My account has long expired.

See, I was so engrossed in Webkinz, it was like practically my life. There was one specific entry where I was completely flipping out because my mommy hadnt let me go on Webkinz for three days. Like I was saying I hated her because she didn't let me go on Webkinz.

Pathetic? Yeah, I know.

But it was just a phase. Webkinz: I thought it was life or death. But a short while later, I forgot about it.

What if everything I think is important is really trivial? What if everything I spend my time on is pointless because a year later I will be doing completely different things? And how do I know what is important and what isnt?

And that's rhetorical. I do know what's important and what's not.

But it's so easy to get caught up in that, you know? Its so easy to know but to just not care anymore.

Sorry for all the heavy posts lately - it's good to sit down and write after all the ditzy things that I do all the rest of the day.

I do love you guys. Have a great Sunday night. :)

thanks for messing up my mind

whats wrong with the world, mama? -black eyed peas

What do you do when people around you twist everything you say into a cruel or wrong or bad joke?

"The bottom of this stupid pizza is crunchy"

My "friends" turned that into something they laughed about for ages.

What do you do when people talk about stuff that shouldnt be talked about and they do it as casually as if they were discussing what they are gonna have for lunch?

What do you do when your "friend" tells you she french-kissed her boyfriend over the weekend, when you havent even held hands with a boy?

What do you do when you show up at school wearing a scoop-necked t-shirt and then you see all the other girls parading around in short skirts and strapless tops?

What do you do when you realize the people that hang around you are not good people and they are bad influences? (I ignored them over lunch and ate with a different group of friends. They swore at me afterwards. Its uncomfortable to have someone hate you, did you know that?)

What do you do when you get so fed up with the crap around you that you want to throw something or bash someones teeth in?

Do you, can you, throw something or bash someones teeth in?

Of course not.

So what do you do?

Hide it behind a grin, a forced laugh?

Isnt this supposed to be getting easier, God?

Because news flash...it isnt.