An Agglomeration of Nothing Particular

6-18-11

Today, we went to visit a guy that makes electric violins, because I'm looking into buying one/getting one for my birthday (note: decided not to buy one this year). I am obsessed with the one he let me borrow for a week. But I don't know how to play any really cool pieces on it. Like Canon Rock. I'm just not good enough to be able to play it. And I'm so frustrated...I literally sppent 4 hours today fiddling with it. I can't get it.

I haven't run in two days. I haven't really written anything for about an infiniti longer than that. I haven't prayed, I haven't read my Bible, I haven't read a good book, I haven't done anything that makes me sit down and really think. In longer than I can remember.

What have I done? I've hung out with friends, I've texted, I've sat around on Facebook, I've laid in the sun for hours on end, I've obsessively exercised, I've binged, I've painted my nails, I've taken naps.

Are any of those things mind-stimulating? Are any of those things worth the time that I've spent on them?

I have to say no...and once again find myself disappointed in myself.

I'm never able to commit myself to anything of substance. I've never put in the effort to overcome the writer's block that's been smothering me for almost a year. It's so much easier to click a button and go on Facebook instead of sitting, staring at a blank word document, grasping at words that always seem to elude me. How have I gotten so lazy? Too lazy to spend time and effort in any area: writing, reading, learning, developing, growing, playing violin, spending time with the family, praying, reflecting. These things require too much, and I start them and then quit when I'm forced to start using my brain.

Laziness.  A sin that I never realized I could be guilty of.

I've been told I'm extremely smart by almost every person I've met throughout the school year. It hurts to admit this, but it seems as if I subconsciously resented the mental gap between me and others my age, and started dumbing myself down in order to be more like everyone else. I care way too much about what other people think of me. A sin that I have no idea how to confront. A trait that I have no idea how to change.

Everything in my life that's wrong right now is because of me. I am blessed by an amazing family and friends. The only area of flaw in my life is myself.

Too cocky. Too arrogant. Too self-absorbed. Too prideful. Too lazy. Too concerned.

I need a serious outlook readjustment...everything needs to be changed. Tomorrow I will spend time with my family, with my Bible, with my violin, with my diary, with God. Tomorrow I will spend time without my cell phone, without my make up, without my ipod, without my computer, without my Facebook.

I have to start somewhere otherwise I'll get nowhere. And that thought frightens me.

-Bekah

6-26-11

Tomorrow's my birthday. In like three hours I'm going to be 14...such a weird thought. We're at this cabin that we rented for a week. I sorta wish we were at home...there's nothing to do in this small dingy town. There's not a movie theatre, or even a mall, and only two tiny grocery stores! Tonight's Sunday night. We got here Saturday, about 11-ish. We unpacked, got situated, and then went on a 2 hour hike in the intense heat, got DQ ice-cream (<3), sat at the beach a little, went to the deserted grocery store, ate dinner, watched Chariots of Fire (lovelovelove), then went to bed. This morning, we sat around and read books and did nothing, then we went into "town" and fished (didn't get a single bite..), then I went for a run (felt soo good <3) came home, roasted hot dogs, ate DQ ice-cream AGAIN, watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding (hilarious), and now me, Peter and Abs are sitting here reading/writing. On the hike on Saturday, we got SOOO many ticks...I had 10, Abby had 13, and us as a family had well over 50. -__- I hate ticks.

I haven't texted since the 19th...almost 10 days. Freaking amazing.

Me, Abby & Grandma Sally went shopping at the MoA last Thursday for my birthday. I got an ADORABLE pair of jeans at Wet Seal (they make my butt look half-way decent <3), expensive Steve Madden sandals, a lace Charlotte Russe top with a bright yellow lace cami & bright blue cami that could go under it, with blue earrings to go with the blue cami. I also got round floral diamond-studded earrings and rhinestone black-feather earrings at Wet Seal.

Tomorrow's my birthday...doesn't even feel real. I'm so ready to be done with 13 and embark into 14. <3

-Bekah

6-27-11

I'm fourteen!! Wow...time goes fast. Dear God, help me not to waste a single second.

-Bekah

6-29-11

Today, on the boat (yes, we rented the boath again), Mom finished Keith Green's biography (No Compromise) written by his wife Melody Green, and I was bored and it looked interesting so I picked it up. I was hooked after the first chapter. It is a 500+ page book, and I finished it in 3 hours. I'm listening to his music right now. I'm sorta obsessed with him.

Anyway, the book really struck me. Keith and Melody dabbled in drugs and occult cults before finding God, and their lives were instantly transformed. Keith went from smoking grass to pouring himself out in front of sprawling crowds and bringing thousands to Christ in a single alter-call. His life suddenly had purpose and joy, and in the short 8 years  he had before he died, God used him to minister to countless people searching for truth. He was a warrior, a prophet, a genius, and completely, utterly, 150% dedicated to God. He was so open to God's convinctions, so humble, so ready, always, to accept God's discipline and so willing to change, so eager to cast off every sin and vice, so committed to serving, so unselfish of every belonging (material and non-material) he called his own. He was an incredible person and I wish I could have been alive when he was. He's so inspiring to me. When God entered his life, he was utterly transformed.

*then I went on a long, personal rant about how I need to change. it was like 8 pages long. hahah.

-Bekah

7-1-11.

Hi. This pen is awful. We're home(: . I'm so tired. I like don't have a coherent thought. Jenna's getting a pool. I'm gonna like live at her house once she gets it. We're going to Chicago in two weeks. We're staying at the (family friend)'s house. I want to take a picture in the shiny bean thing. I'm listening to les Miserables music. I'm reading Bonhoeffer right now, but I'm gonna read Les Miserables net. I am in love with the music and story (literally<3), I should read the book. I haven't run in a long time...Hannah's in Australia. So jealous.

Me and Mom went shopping today. I got a short white floral skirt that I'm in love with and a white floral & rhinestone tank top from Maurices, and then a neon pink tank top and a light blue tank top from American Eagle. Dad and me and the sibs went to Mr. Popper's Penguins, BEST MOVIE EVER <3 .

Obsessed with Les Miserables.

-Bekah

who am I?

Who Am I?


-Dietrich Bonhoeffer



Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like on accustomed to win.



Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

Compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?



Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!

*this is perfect for me right now...i am obsessed with this poem.

let it go

I am a perfectionist. If you know me at all, than you know that much. I berate myself constantly if I fall short of any goal that I set for myself, whether it be in school, sports, or music. Everything gets me down, honestly....like I just got back from a track meet. I am extremely unhappy with my time.

See, I have this best friend named Hannah. We're in track together (she's the girl in the picture from the previous post). It was both of our first year in track. We're both decent, she's just very much better than me. Today her time was a good 20 seconds faster than mine. Her time was spectacular (beat the lettering time by 2 full seconds) and mine just wasn't.

I could be jealous of her for so many reasons. She was snow queen for our grade, everyone who knows her adores her, she's hilarious, she's so easygoing and friends with literally everyone, and a better runner than me. I'm struggling now with it, but I just gotta let it go.

There's always gonna be someone better than us, at everything we do. It is sorta depressing to think about, but no matter what we do or where we go, there will ALWAYS be someone that can do whatever you can do better. Doesn't that bother you? Doesn't matter if I run a 6 minute mile. There's always someone who can run fastaer. Doesn't matter if I graduate college at 19. There's always someone who's graduated earlier. Doesn't matter if I can play Vivaldi's Concerto number something-or-other. There's always someone who can play better than me. Doesn't matter if I get so many commments on my default. There's always someone who's prettier than me. Doesn't matter if I work so hard on my faith. There's always someone who is a better Christian than me. 

You get what I'm saying? Gah it just goes on and on. I have to break that cycle. I have to accept me for who I am. I HAVE to.

I do feel better now that I wrote that out. Sorry that my post didn't move you to tears....I know there's so many better blogs out there. But thanks for reading mine...it helps to get my thoughts down.  

so...up for a normal post ? (:

Hey guys....its been way too long since I've written a normal, happy, teenage-girl post. I've kinda just blogged when I'm feeling emotional, and I don't want my blog to be a vent.

So I'll just kinda share some pictures, some thoughts and we'll see how this goes. (:

I just took literally like a 30 minute bubble bath; I lovelovelove relaxing things like that. This morning at my church we had a flash mob dance sort of thing; during the offering song, the whole NextGen program (the mentoring youth group) had a dance planned out, and it was, needless to say, incredibly fun. If there's a video or anything I can put up here, I will.

Tomorrow's Monday.....yuck. It's so close to summer that it sucks to be sitting in school when it looks gorgeous outside - even though we haven't been having the greatest weather lately. (:

 ^^^^^ I get bored .

 And I like playing the violin.... (:

AND I LOVE PEOPLE <3

 

And also jeans (:

Hahah...I know this post sucked, but oh well. I tried. 

Oh, my dad ran a half-marathon this morning, and I made varsity track. (: Kay bye.

-Bekah

perfect imperfections

It's so easy to make little excuses for little mistakes. It's so easy to say, "Hey, God, don't get on my case, I only said it one time," or "Hey, God, what would you have done in this situation? I'm pretty sure I acted like anyone else would have acted, I didn't do anything wrong," or "Hey, God, I yelled at Peter today cuz I was crabby, I don't usually act like that, give me a break."

It's so easy to let the devil get a foothold, as they say. It's so easy to conform without even knowing you're doing it. It's so easy to change unconsciously, to be like everyone else.

When I was homeschooled, I didn't know anything about "the outside world"; if you're homeschooled, that happens. When I entered public highschool, I learned rapidly what was cool and what wasn't.

I changed how I did my hair. I changed how I did my makeup. I changed the way I dressed and the way I walked. I changed the way I laughed and the way I wrote. I changed the radio station I listened to. I changed the books I read and the music I bought. I changed my ideas of what was acceptable and what was not. I changed the things I talked about. I changed the way I view myself. And the list goes on..

You want the gist of it? I changed myself. Bit by bit. It started with my music and ended with my morals and now I've lost myself.

I've been a Christian on the good days. I've prayed when I remembered to, but my prayers are dead and meaningless...just words. But I feel like I am a good girl. I dont swear, I dont date, I dont make dirty jokes, I dont skip school, I dont do drugs, I dont smoke, I dont drink. So on the outside, I am a good girl. I'm respectable.

And that's exactly where the problem is. Society TELLS us who we are, and we HAVE to live up to that expectation. I HAVE to be skinny. I HAVE to be pretty. I HAVE to be popular. I HAVE to be smart. I HAVE to be funny. I HAVE to be athletic. I HAVE to excel at EVERYTHING I do, otherwise I am a FAILURE. I have to be able to wear size two jeans, otherwise I am a BAD person. I have to wear the cutest clothes otherwise I am a BAD person. I have to have a million cool friends, otherwise I am a BAD person. I HAVE to make varsity, otherwise I SUCK at life.

I have to be PERFECT, otherwise I am WORTHLESS.

That is what society tells us, as young women. WE HAVE TO FIGHT THAT. That is NOT the truth, that is lies. We CANNOT believe what they tell us, because we are SO much more than that. We CANNOT let that lie define us. We MUST look beyond what is smothering us, and know that we are MEANT for a different world. We MUST know that this world full of lies and deceit and crap is NOT all there is. We must TRUST that there is more to life than the constant battle for perfection and fitting in.

JUST BECAUSE society thinks that it can TELL us who we are, that DOES NOT MEAN that we have to listen to it! Today, girls, lets STEP ABOVE that, lets REFUSE to re-mold ourselves to fit into the world's patterns BECAUSE GOD MADE US FOR A DIFFERENT WORLD.

If you weigh 150 or 110, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If your face is blemished or unblemished, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you have a ton of friends or not that many, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you struggle with school or you dont struggle with school, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you make everyone laugh or just a couple people, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you can run the mile in six minutes or fifteen, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

You DO NOT have to live up to the world's standards, because it will fade away, and YOU will be left standing in front of God, and NOTHING ELSE WILL MATTER. Those jeans you spent all your money on? GONE. All those friends you had? Gone. Does God care how much you weighed? Does He care if you made varsity or JV? Does He care if you were popular? Does he care if you were funny?

NO.

Everything that the world tells you matters, DOESNT. As young women, we have to IGNORE the pull of the world.

Because guess what?

This. World. LIES. It does not tell you the truth. God is the only truth, and I have to GIVE my life to Him, otherwise I wasted it.  I have to spend it GLORIFYING HIM, because He is the ONLY THING that matters.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. -Hebrews 12:1

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. John 15:19