what's tangible

Ever get to the point where so many things are wrong that you just lay in bed wondering where you even start to mend? Broken relationships, insecurity, doubts and fears of equal measure, and this overwhelming deadness inside that's frightening to ponder on. Also, what do you do when you reach the point where you dont know yourself anymore? How do you fix that? "Hey self, let's get reacquainted because you are a total stranger to me right now." Yeah, I dont think so.

I look at myself just a year ago. I read diaries from just a short year ago. And I'm a totally different girl. My friends notice it and my family notice it. Just a year ago, I didnt care heck what people thought about me. I wish I could say the same now, but it's exactly the opposite. I've changed. Not in the maturing way. Everyone matures. I'm changing. My moral standards are lowering. I spend less and less time with God. Things are shifting. My core is adjusting to the world. My inner compass is spinning out of control.

Those metaphors are all very nice but the truth is. I dont know me anymore. And when you get to that point, where you're so strung out you dont even know yourself, its hard to change.

I want to change. My week in Rapid City helped me realize that. I cried my eyes out the last night when we got our feet washed because God opened my eyes to everything I'm doing that is not like myself.

If I be honest with myself (which is really painful to do), then I have to come to the conclusion that I'm conforming. Is it my choice of friends that is encouraging that conformation? I could say yes. Then I can blame other people. I do hang out with a variety of people, from strict Christians to kids very lax in their faith (or dont have any at all). But I cannot blame that on them because regardless of my surroundings it shouldn't affect my inner being. So whose fault is it, really? Mine. completely mine.

The little choices I find myself making disturb me. Reading Harry Potter instead of my Bible. Listening to my iPod before bed instead of praying. Forgetting God during the day instead of having Him be my constant companion. These things pile up and before I know it, I never read my Bible, I never pray, and I never think about God, ever. I focus on the tangible things, and make those things more important. I forget the non-tangible: God. Faith. Heaven. Jesus. Everything that is truly vital I push to the side.

these things are important...

...but when they replace God? When they shunt Him out? Friends are so beautiful. I am so blessed by my amazing friends. But I'm so busy with them. Constantly hanging out with them or planning another time. And that's just one example. What about Facebook? What about my cell phone? Oh and what about my appearance. I worry about that a lot.

Do you see what I mean? These things are good things. But they have become much much much too important to me. I cling onto what is tangible. And completely forget what is really important.

Today, I just looked around me. I'm drifting away from my family. I realized I don't run to my mom like I used to. I don't pray before bed with my sister like I used to. When was the last time me and my older brother had a down-to-earth talk? I never spend time with my younger brother anymore. He asks and begs and pleads and I keep saying no and before long he's not even gonna ask. And just today my dad asked if I wanted to go to Caribou and I immediately said no because who needs the calories that a Caribou has? Why the heck am I turning it down because of the calories? I should treasure the time it would offer one-on-one with my daddy.

I wish I could end this post on something hopeful, something suggesting rapid change. But I couldnt come up with anything that would be true. What do you want me to say? Want me to lie and say that tomorrow morning I'll probably wake up and go to church and sing my heart out and cry over the sermon? Do you want me to say that I'll immediately feel a vibrance inside and a realness and a certain life that belies Christ? Because both you and me know that that's impossible.

All I can say is that I'm trying. I'm trying to live life the right way. I'm trying to do my best. I'm trying to honor everyone and make the right choices.

But is that enough? I dont know anymore.

Truth be told, I dont know anything anymore.

Sorry...but life is way too busy

This is a short post to apologize for my lack of posting and explain why. Life is BUSY. I'm trying to enjoy summer (I'm going to go put lemon juice in my hair and then lay in the sun...lemon juice lightens your hair, you know) and blogging just doesn't fit into the schedule. I'm leaving for my mission trip on the 18th (I WILL post pictures when I come back, I promise) and life just flies by. Blogging isn't working for me anymore.

So I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to take a little break...for how long, who knows. I won't delete my blog or anything like that, but I just wont update it very frequently. If you want to stay in touch, you can click on my Facebook badge and become friends, or you can just email me. Cause I have tons of blogging chums that I dont want to drift away from.(:

With that, I take my leave.

just in one of those moods

Am sitting here on my laptop at 10:17 PM feeling very lonely. Very, very lonely. When I am in sad moods, my writing improves immensely (you should see what I write when I'm actually happy...very, very poor writing), so I do need to go write. I shouldn't waste this terrible mood.

Everyone in the house is sleeping. My room is dark. And lonely. I hate when I start crying and I don't know why. I can't blame anyone and I can't make any excuses for my tears. All of a sudden I'm just crying. Like right now. Why am I crying? I don't even know. That is what I hate the most.

After five hours of weeding and a visit at a friend's house that seemed to drag on forever, I'm exhausted. The weeding was fine, the friend's house was fine. My day has been fine. I was actually in a really good mood the whole day...but on the drive home from the visit, I suddenly just became...sad. Really sad. I wish I could tell you some really good reason why I'm sad so that I could receive a plethora of sympathetic commens. But there's no good reason. No new reason, I should say. Everything that I feel sad about has been making me feel sad for a long time, so tonight's feelings are nothing new.

I don't mean to make my blog a vent. But I feel so alone right now. It's late night and there's nobody I can call, nobody I can text, nobody I can chat. It comforts me to think that someone will read what I write, somehow it lessens the loneliness. Maybe I should just go to bed. But I wouldn't fall asleep, I would just lay there and pity myself.

I hate pitying myself because I know there is nothing I need to pity myself about. I have a beautiful family, beautiful friends, beautiful abilities and beautiful opportunities. But even though I know I shouldn't pity myself doesn't make me stop pitying myself.

So I'll just shut up now. And go write. Seems like that's all I can ever do anymore. Just write. I can't keep friendships, I can't sleep well, I can't hold my tongue, and I can't stop focusing on this world more than God.

Now I'm done. For real. Bye.

let this week last forever

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world, I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together, I'm falling apart

Slow me down, don't let me live a lie

Before my life flies by

I need you to slow me down

Emmy Rossum

I turn thirteen on Sunday. It feels like my life has flown by me so fast. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was excited about going to China. That was eight years ago. It seems like just yesterday when I was escastic about creating my bank account. That was three years ago. It seems like just yesterday I moved up into the junior high group at church as a seventh-grader. That was a year ago. Now I'm the one welcoming the seventh-graders...I feel so old. I'm ninth-grade, a highschooler, in the fall. In two school years, I'm starting college classes full-time.

I'll be done with college at twenty years old. It'll be weird, to be twenty. Before I know it, I will be twenty. Time goes by that fast. It'll seem like just yesterday that I was on the verge of a teenager, looking towards thirteen, saying good-bye to twelve. Coming to terms with growing-up.

Let this week last forever. Let it be the longest week of my life. Let it be a single week that doesn't fly by me at the speed of sound. Let it be a week in which I can breathe and in which I can reflect...and let Sunday dawn on me, ready to be a teenager. I don't want to be sad to be a teenager. I'm excited, but there is a seed of sadness that I hope will be uprooted over the week. I want to look to the future with happiness.

But for now? I look at these pictures, telling the story of my life. Sunday will come, too fast. Growing up will come too fast. But it is not a bad thing, growing up. There's no need for nostalgia. But I can still feel a twinge of it in my chest as I scroll through my pictures...

And that's me now. But in the blink of an eye, it will be five years from now. God help me appreciate life before the time slips away.

It will be called the Way of Holiness

I laugh.

I am surrounded by friends always. I have a group that follow me everywhere. When I walk in, I am smothered in hugs and "guess what?"s.

I'm never alone.

Life looks good for me.

But at night, my ghosts still haunt me - my memories still dog my every step.

Youth group Wednesday. All my beautiful friends. I went out to eat with my best friend, her mentor, and my mentor before youth group. Applebees was delish, not to mention very fun.

Later in the evening, me and my friends head outside after a large-group talk. We have a choice to do floor hockey or sidewalk chalk, and we all end up doing chalk, but slack off and talk instead. As my friend says something funny, and I start laughing, a young eighth-grader who wasn't new but never made any friends walks by with a piece of chalk in her hand. She looks at me, and then her eyes wander over my group of friends who were all sitting with me.

And my smile fades, because I see this deep longing in her eyes for what I have.

Friends.

Someone to talk to through the hour and a half at church which can seem so very long when alone. Someone to laugh with and someone that will say goodbye to her when she has to leave. Someone to listen to her when she has a bad day and cry with her when she needs it. Someone to tease her because that's what friends do.

I have had that blessing of friends all my life. I have no recollection of ever sitting alone, of ever feeling on the outside; because I never have been on the outside. I've always been in the center. At church, in sports, in my neighborhood. I've always had many people that hug me bye when I leave and run up to me when I come in.

I knew what the girl wanted. I knew that it would have made her whole entire week if I had just walked away from my friends and said hi to her.

But you know what I did?

I looked away. I didn't do anything, except ignore her until she walked away. I purposefully let her know that she's unwanted and that she doesn't belong with my friends.

When she finally walked away, I felt something rush up in me. For once, the friends that surrounded me sickened me. I hated them for dulling my sense of awareness. Because they've loved me unconditionally, I can never relate to the girl on the outside, because that's never been me. It just hasn't been.

Then I realized how stupid I was to be angry at my friends. It's my fault that I never reach out. That I stay in my comfort zone and shrug "who cares about that girl? This is about me and appearing invulnerable."

This girl is going on the mission trip with my church that I am going on with several of my friends. We had a meeting about the trip last Sunday. We were supposed to share why we wanted to go on the trip. You know what the girl said?

"I'm going on the mission trip because I want to make friends."

That struck me hard. She wants to make friends. That's all she wants. She just wants one friend that will be there for her.

Next Wednesday, I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to walk up to her and introduce myself. I'm not going to lie: she doesn't look like the funnest person to be around, she looks like a young child and kind of annoying. But I am not going to let that control whether or not I talk to her. She is probably a wonderful girl, ignored because of her physical appearence. I have seen her walk around alone all year, but I pushed away the thought of reaching out because I didn't want her to be my friend.

She needs a friend. That's a need that is very important for her, and I can fill that need. Why did I hesitate all year?

Because I had an image that I needed to keep up, and having her be my friend would destroy the image. I wouldn't look cool hanging out with her, because she doesn't look like a cool person typically looks like. All my other friends are cool. Why should I want a non-cool friend?

The root of this is image. I worry too much about what other people think. It hurts to acknowledge that. It hurts to realize that. But it's true. It's so true.

This will be the first small step of reaching out. It will be the first stone taken out of the wall that I have built around myself. It will be the first risk I take. I pray it won't be the last.

Isaiah 35

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God. 

Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;


Say to those with fearful hearts,
"Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you."


Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.


The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.


And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it. 

No lion will be there,
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,


And the ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.