Simplicity :: How we make life SO complicated...

I slept over at Jenna's house a few nights ago. It was insane - like all sleepovers with your best friend are. :-)

She brought me to church the next morning, and afterwards, her daddy and my daddy tried to coordinate the exchange of my sleepover stuff. Her daddy got in his car with my stuff, my daddy got in his car on the other side of the parking lot, and it took literally twenty minutes for them to finally pull over by each other and exchange the stuff.

It was hilarious because this simple task took so long to execute. It could have taken five minutes, but instead it took twenty.

And it's like...sometimes, I wonder how much harder I'm making it on myself with life in general. Where I could have simplicity, I have complications. Stress, worry, anxiety - all these things are NOT of God. God is peace...

I walk up the stairs, and I'm literally exhuasted. My lungs are stinging, my knees feel like they are made of burning jelly, and I'm breathing as hard as I am after running three miles. That's what happens when I WALK up the stairs. Not run, but WALK.

As of three weeks ago, I could run three miles in 25 minutes (which isn't so great, but, you know, whatever). Now? I can't run up one flight of STEPS much less run three miles! I'm so...so...WEAK. It's like all I can do is sit at my desk and twiddle my thumbs.

Yesterday, it was pretty nice out, and my mom, Peter and I were doing a project outside. Afterwards, Peter snatched a squirt gun and began chasing after me with it. I ran for ten seconds, max, away from him. I was so out of breath that it was impossible for me to keep running. I pretty much just collapsed on the pavement and lay for about five minutes, gasping.

Ten seconds of running did that to me.

I don't know what's happening to me. For the last seven days or so, I have been able to do nothing of physical strain. I feel like a parasite or something, just sitting around, reading, writing, blogging, designing, taking pictures, texting. I used to run two or three times a week, and two or three miles at a time. I lifted weights, did stretches, went golfing, played soccer, did work projects outside - and now, what am I doing? Sitting around, doing nothing.

This whole thing...however blatant this may seem, I am FREAKED.

I had my blood tested a few weeks ago, if you remember, and we heard back from the doctor. My blood is apparently normal, but this intense exhaustion didn't start until a few days after the appointment. So we're going again in a few hours to get my blood tested again (nooo...more needles .__.).

What's happening with my blood is that, well, let's just call it anemia. It's where my body doesn't have enough healthy red blood cells, which account for "fatigue" (one of the main symptoms) and low iron in the blood, which can cause the body to be sick. That's what the doctor suggested, but that was before she tested my blood, so I'm not exactly sure what I have.

It's really just...making my life a lot more complicated. I'm anxious, discouraged, and it's a lot harder for me to laugh and just really enjoy life. It's making me crabby and down all the time...please just pray for me.

I may not be able to run, or exercise vigorously, for a few more weeks...but I just need to look on the brighter side of things. It'll give me more time for these things...

I just need to give all of this anxiety about this to Him...He can carry it a lot better than I can. Prayer would still be really appreciated...I'll keep you posted if we hear anything more. Meanwhile...I'll go help clean up the furnace room (our septic is clogged). Yuck.

Pause :: Slow Down :: I need to BREATHE!

I hate the feeling when you first realize you've done something wrong, morally, spiritually, physically. That initial pang of your conscience - and if your conscience is anything like mine, you'll get no rest until you right that which you did wrong.

Like when I flop into bed at eleven o'clock at night, needing sleep after a long evening - and then I realize I didn't floss my teeth. Vivid images of cavities and dead teeth fill my mind, until, you guessed it, I drag myself out of bed and grab a floss.

Or, when Ab [younger sister] asks me to do her hair when I'm in the middle of doing mine - and I snap at her. My conscience screams and wails until I apologize and spend half-an-hour curling her hair.

Oh yes, I hate when my conscience can't seem to be quiet. All of a sudden, a few nights ago, it began screaming and clamoring - why?

Scroll up and take a look at that picture again - terrible, isn't it? It's all grainy, and unfocused, and full of noisy colors. It hurts my eyes to look at it.

And honestly, that's what life has been like lately. I feel like I've been walking around, knocking into everything because I've been so out of focus.

I wish I could just pause life. Slow it down...I need to have time to breathe! And this infernal busyness - it's not from school. In fact, school is almost nonexistant because I have finished all my classes. So, why am I so busy?

It's from life lived focused on unimportant things.

I've just been so concerned with petty things that don't matter - they burn me out, wear me down. I feel so tired writing this...where has the beauty of life disappeared to?

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. Ecclesiastes 2:11

Ahh. "Chasing after the wind." I feel like that's what I've been doing - chasing after the wind. Sigh. It's tiring - fills me with bone-jarring weariness. Busying myself with meaningless things...it's exhausting.

This morning, I sat and prayed and read the Bible for half-an-hour before breakfast.

And it was SO relaxing. I had this slight time to just breathe. To be renewed. To be revived.

You have filled my heart with great joy...I will lie down and sleep in peace. Psalm 4: 7-8