Flying Free

(I will post lots of pictures soon that will chronicle my retreat better then words can. But for now, my musings. [and Jordyn, you gotta send the piccies to me!])

I have so many expectations in life. I have most of my future planned out. I have decided that I will major in English or Photography and that I will pursue careers as an author and photographer. I hope that I will get married and have kids--preferably three daughters and four sons.

I honestly have everything planned out.

I can be spontaneous, but I would rather have everything set out and planned.

So that I can anticipate what is going to happen.

So that I can set expectations and count on them to be fulfilled.

I have memorized the book of James, and while I was mulling this despicable trait of mine over, this verse popped into my head.

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 1:14-15

God has been telling me that this constant planning and re-planning is not good and not right. Ever. Because by trying to plan out what will happen, I am not showing trust in Him. I am showing that I do not trust that God knows what is best for my life and that I must be the one to take control of it.

I'm not saying that planning for the years ahead is bad. I think it's good if you have an idea of where your life will go, an idea of who you want to grow up to be so that you have some long-term goals to work towards. But my planning became more than just dreaming. It became anxiety and distrust and a whole bunch of other icky stuff that destroys relationships and self-esteem.

While I was on my retreat, I caught myself "planning" (i.e. worrying about it, trying to think ahead of what I would do with so-and-so, how insanely amazing it was going to be, etc. etc.). I "planned" that I would do this if someone did this, that I would talk such-and-such amount to so-and-so person, that I would make so-and-so friends and have such-and-such fun.

I had very high expectations for the retreat. Very very high.

Even though it was incredible, some parts of it failed most miserably to reach my expectations. Some things went wrong.

Instead of focusing afterwards on the good things that happened during the retreat, I found myself grumbling about the things that didn't happen.

I walked away from that retreat feeling empty instead of content.

And that is not okay.

There was a time in my life when I was really lost. I strayed completely from the path of righteousness and I lost all sense of direction. God no longer sparked the flash anymore, and the Bible became a dead mass of words that held no meaning.

Those days were the worst of my life. But with God's help, my feet found the path once more. Once again, I began trodding along the way of the Lord.

Looking back on those days, I am glad that God put me through it. I walked away from it with a renewed faith in God and an overwhelming awareness of the extent and completeness of God's grace.

God stripped away my plans completely, and let me lean with all my soul on Him.

Those days were hard.

Very hard.

But the beauty in my life now is a result of coming through the dark days. After I emerged from the pitch-black tunnel, the pure daylight seemed brighter than ever.

Right now, I desire so many things. I want this and this, and I seem to never be content. I'm anxious because I want something to be given back to me, and I worry about it. I grow disgruntled about it.

I can't seem to just let it go.

God kept telling me to let it go, but I held tighter and tighter.

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

-Tenth Avenue North, "Let It Go."

The truth is, I couldn't let this thing go.

Until now.

If I am to let go of my tendancy to hold onto things, if I am to let go of my nature of continual "planning," then I must let this thing go.

I must let it go, and be free of it.

My retreat was fantastic. It is a weekend that I will look back on with fondness and amazement.

I made memories that I will never forget.

I colored a Mickey Mouse valentine. I played Diaper Wars. I talked on a bananaphone with my best friend. I sleep-talked/sleep-walked and freaked all my friends out. I learned to snowboard. I hung out with all my best friends.

Despite all this, I did walk away from the retreat feeling sad and depressed because everything did not go exactly as planned.

But that feeling is gone now.

That emptiness was a result of my setting "plans" instead of letting God take control.

The darkest part of my life was a result of me trying to anticipate things and spending my time trying to keep up a perfect image. I almost lost God because of that--I almost lost me.

The unhappiness that I have felt lately was a result of me trying to take events that God carefully planned, and trying to twist them to fit my circumstances. I tried to defy God.

God's telling me to let everything go. I need to fall utterly and completely in love with Him again.

I'm letting go of the chains that are wrapped so tightly around me--have been ever since I can remember.

He's setting me free.

Finally, I feel like I could fly.

When I am depending upon the wings of God, I can rise above my petty culture. I can rise above my catty, competitive and exclusive nature. I can rise above the sins and dark puddles of this world.

With God, I know that I can fly free of Satan and the havoc that he and his minions have caused.

I can let go.

I can rise above.

I am free.

Waiting For Something Beautiful

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

Waiting.

I honestly hate that word.

Waiting means being patient.

Waiting means having trust.

Waiting means having self-control.

All three of these things are extremely difficult to obtain--especially being patient. I have little or no patience. I want what I want when I want it--not a minute too late.

Yet waiting is an inevitable part of life. Obviously, everyone learns from a young age that no-one gets what they want when they want it.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1

What if I'm waiting for Something beautiful?

What if I'm waiting for God's touch on my life?

What if I'm waiting for a sign that He's working in and through me?

This is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful
-Needtobreathe, "Something Beautiful"

I can't help but feeling...slighted. I have been waiting so long for a sign, for a visitation, for a miracle, for something, something that would chase away my doubts of God's reality.

In the midst of agonizing in self-pity and despair that I would never free myself of my nagging doubts, I realized that I was limiting God.

I was limiting Him.

Then the devil took Jesus to the holy city and had Him stand on the highest point of the temple. "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written:

" 'He will command His angels concerning You,

and they will lift You up in their hands,

so that You will not strike Your foot against a stone.'"

Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"

Matthew 4:5-7

I was limiting God, making Him a little box inside my head.

I was changing Something Beautiful into something ordinary and distant.

But if we must keep trusting God for something that hasn’t happened yet, it teaches us to wait patiently and confidently. Romans 8:25

I had enough arrogance to think that God was not listening, that He wasn't thinking.

Me.

I cannot even begin to comprehend His plans.

And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans. Romans 8:28

God is speaking.

Am I listening?

If God is on our side, who can ever be against us? Romans 8:31

"Backing Down"? Don't Think So...

...at least, not with this as my inspiration. ;)

I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms
It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last...

I'm awake, I'm alive,
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
Here, right now!
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive...

I'm at war with the world 'cause I
Ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what, I can't be bought or sold
When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again...

I'm awake, I'm alive,
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
Here, right now!
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive...

Bridge:
Waking up Waking up, Waking up Waking up
Waking up Waking up, Waking up Waking up
In the dark, I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you!

I'm awake, I'm alive,
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
Here, right now!
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive...

          awake and alive by skillet

Skillet isn't normally my inspiration band--more like my "turn it up sing it loud wake me up" band. While this song is a "turn it up sing it loud wake me up" song, it's also a "turn it up listen to words be moved" song.

Take a look at these words again:

I'll stand my ground and never back down.

I'm not going to build a Bible study around a Skillet song (or will I? You never know! *winks*), but I needed the wake-up call. I have not been standing my ground in regard to what I believe in. Even in church, I don't comment when others swear profusely, make crude or cutting remarks, or act immodestly. I just kind of half-laugh while rolling my eyes--but I don't say anything.

I don't defend those who are getting beat up on. I don't reach out to the kid who is sitting alone.

After all, it's my reputation I'm trying to protect. A "cool", "popular" person wouldn't be defending and reaching out to the "un-cool," "un-popular" people. (I put those words in quotations because God doesn't believe in a "cool" or "un-cool" person...though, unfortunately, I do. But, believe me, that's gonna change.)

Nuh-uh. Not a good attitude.

One of the things I have been praying most hard about this week is that God would give me unconditional love. Love for everyone--not just my friends.

This trait is the one I love most about God--that, and his grace (after which I was named after... "Rebekah Grace," my full name). God has unconditional love: for the poor, for the broken, and for the "un-cool", as well as for the rich, for the righteous, and for the supposedly "cool". To truly be after His Spirit, I must strive after this unconditional love myself.

Anyways--just thought I'd share the lyrics and my thoughts with you. :)

Prayer--Potent, but Taken for Granted

I have been a Christian all my life. I have grown up (and am growing up) in a Christian household. I have Christian family, Christian relatives and Christian friends. I own two Bibles. I keep one on my bedstand and one in the living room. I read it every morning and every night. I pray every morning, every night, and before every meal. I participate in Bible time with my family. I have Bible verses and meaningful poems all over my walls. I have memorized Philippians and James, and countless other verses.

Sound like the perfect Christian?

In deeds, maybe. In spirit?

I used to think so. But lately...I'm not so sure.

Sunday morning was when I first realized that maybe I'm only following the letter of the law--but am avoiding the spirit of it all. My "Sunday-school teacher" (Hate that term, makes Sunday morning sound like school--which, in a way, it is...but in every way, it's not. Does that make sense?) explained how, in the Old Testament, there was a check-list, of sorts. The OT gave a list of strict rules: Don't murder. Don't commit adultery. Love your neighbor. It implied that if you followed these rules, you would go to heaven. Jesus says something else though: Yeah, I don't want you to murder, but don't even get angry. Don't commit adultery, but don't even have lust. Love your neighbor, true, but even love your enemy.

He rose the standard.

While I was listening to my awesome teacher, I realized that I really am not following the spirit of the law. I obviously haven't murdered anyone, I most definitely haven't commited adultery (obviously not married, but still), and how easy is it to love your friends? Super easy.

I have gotten angry--countless times. Haven't felt lust yet--but I'm only twelve. No idea how hard it gets later. And I dislike my "enemies"--strongly.

What else have I done completely wrong? I wondered.

Then Monday morning it hit me.

I realized that I took prayer for granted. I had unconsciously defined prayer as a way to get what I want, when I want...I took advantage of the fact that the most powerful being ever imaginable listened to me. Prayer changed from something sacred and real, to an Aladdin's lamp--I limited God, picturing him as a genie, of sorts. I began cluttering up my prayers with unnecessary wants and selfish desires. I prayed for certain things to happen to me; I prayed for certain people to stop bugging me; I prayed, I prayed, and I prayed...but for the completely wrong things.

So...I decided to pray four times per day, at scheduled times. Like the Jews do--but just for a week. And I resolved to keep the prayers off of my personal worldly needs--like sleepovers, belongings, etc.

It's been working great so far. I pray at nine o'clock, twelve o'clock, three o'clock and six o'clock. Instead of praying about worldly needs/wants, I pray that God would give me the inner qualities spoken of in 1 Corinthians 13, in Philipians, in James, in the Beautitudes.

I'm not exactly sure why I love the scheduled prayer type of thing...maybe it's because I feel like, in the middle of whatever I'm doing, God is willing to listen to me.

He is willing to listen to my prayers. He is willing to answer them.

He is ready to forgive my past carelessness.

Don't we have an amazing God?

Nostalgic

Nostalgic⋅a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

You ever get like that? When you just wish you could go back to so-and-so time?

I was struck with this feeling today, as I was looking back. I was reading my very first diary, when I was nine years old. My biggest problems in those days were forgetting to make my bed and getting in "trouble" because of it, or going a week without seeing my best friend. My nine-year-old self, preserved in the pages of that diary, is so different from my twelve-almost-thirteen-year-old self. It's only been three years, and yet I have changed so much. My problems then were so different from my problems now.

This change is normal, I suppose--growing up. But it's hard. I am going through doors which are slamming behind me--I can't go back. My childish innocence is gone. Gone are the days when I believed fairies were real, and spent my time trying to find one. Gone are the days when I tucked my dolls into bed at night, then ran back to peek into the room to see if they were moving. Gone are the days when I blindly believed the world was full of goodness and love. Gone are the days when I trusted without reservation in God, before worldly doubts started creeping in.

Doors slammed shut. I can't re-open them.

As heart-wrenching as these losses have been, God has been telling me it's okay. Last night, as I was feeling especially nostalgic, I opened my Bible, and my eyes caught on this verse.

"When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." 1 Corinthinas 13:11

And I realized that I had lost things. I had lost innocence. But I gained maturity. Doubts crept in, but along with them, determination to root them out.

Some days, I still doubt God. I forget to let Him be the highest priority in my life. I forget to trust Him without reservation. It's human nature; I can't completely erase these doubts.

But I can fight them. I can fight them with His Word. I can fight them with prayer.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. Pslam 13:5

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:4

The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light. John 12:36

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

May God fill you with trust in Him today. May He draw near to you. May He draw near to me. May He dispel our doubts, our worries, our anxieties. May He fill you with joy. May He fill you with love. For He loves you.

Come near to God and he will come near to you. James 4:8