Fat. Ugly. Annoying. Weird. Loud. No one likes me. I'm not good at anything. I'm not going anywhere with my life.
Does any of that sound familiar? That voice that always present in your mind - whispering that you're not good enough. That despair when you start to believe those whispers. That hatred that builds up within you - not hatred towards anybody else, but hatred towards yourself.
That feeling of incompetence, inability; that feeling of I'm just not good enough. Yeah, that feeling? It's been a constant companion for the past three years, or longer. It's just always been in my life. As long as that demon has clung to me, I've been insecure, clinging to meaningless compliments, stretching those compliments as far as I could before I discarded them. Instead of appreciating the opinion of others, I lived for it. It was the only way that I could feel good about myself.
This happens to a lot of us girls. I already see that spirit of dissatisfaction starting in my little sister, and what hurts the most is that I feel like I planted it there. I was always complaining about how I looked, I was always trying to lose weight, or buy more clothes, or perfect my hair and makeup. How could a little girl be happy with what she looked like when her older sister was constantly showing her that it's not okay to like how you look.
2012? Yeah, I'm changing that. With the help of God, I'm going to leave this demon behind me. I'm not going to be cocky - but confident. I'm taking the opinion of others and throwing it in the trash, because that's all it is. Junk. I don't care if the opinion of others is positive or negative, because there is only one person we need to please and He couldn't care less what kind of clothes we wear, or how pretty we are, or how athletic. I'm laughing because of how pathetic and childish I've been these last couple of years. I got so caught up in Satan's lies, I didn't even realize it.
My generation's identity is on the opinion of others. Think about it, girls. When was the last time you looked in the mirror and didn't think "oh crap my hair sucks today..." or "wow my makeup is awful" or "why am I so ugly?" When was the last time you looked in the mirror and was like "I may not be perfect, but God made me in His image and He loves me. So I'm going to keep my head up, not listen to the chitter-chatter of this world, and be confident. Not because I think I look good, but because the only one who matters loves me more than I can imagine."
I challenge you, ladies. As Christians in this twisted generation, we are the lights, we are the salt. We have to stand up, we have to set examples, for our friends, for our younger sisters, for strangers.
Our identity is not based on what we look like. You can't take credit for your beauty. If you're pretty, it's because God made you pretty. What you look like has nothing to do with you. The beauty we should be concerned with is our inward beauty, which to me is so much more important than our outward beauty.
It's repulsive that my generation (including me!) is so obsessed with outward appearances. Obsessed. We're obsessed, possessed, whatever. Satan has a pretty strong hold on our generation, girls. We have to see that, recognize that, and change that.
My new years resolution? I have a few...
To stop basing my identity on the opinion of others.
To stop the feeling of I'm not good enough.
To stop looking in the mirror and hating what I see.
To stop obsessing over compliments.
To start setting an example for my little sister.
To start setting an example for my friends.
To start building others up.
To start seeing God in others.
To start showing God to others.
To start making my actions louder than my words.
To start being unconditionally rooted in God.
To not saying God I'm ugly but saying I am made in God's image.
To realize God's incomprehensible love for me.
To understand my responsibility as a young Christian girl to bring the light to the people around me.
To live this year WITHOUT the demons that have haunted me for so long.
That's me. I look at that picture and see all of the imperfections in my skin, my smile, my hair, my eyes, my eyebrows. And that has to STOP.
Who's with me?