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Thursday, December 29, 2011

I'm sick of all the insincere

Destination unknown. Surroundings unfriendly. Alone. The path under your feet is the path already tread by the people who have gone before you and set their expectations for you before you. You're trying so hard but the snow is just too thick, too deep. Your boots keep getting stuck, the ice finds its way into your socks to pierce your skin, sweat on your brow despite the frigid environment. Life around you is nonexistent; this frozen wonderland looks so beautiful but when you venture out in it you find that it's cold, that you're alone, and lost. In the rush to enter this seemingly wonderful place, you've forgotten to put on proper clothes; the wind is roaring against your face, stinging your face, your ears, your lips. You look down at the footprints, remember that your ancestors have already walked this path, and that you should be  able to do the same. So instead of turning back, you push on; you don't know where you're going, but you know that you have to continue otherwise you'll elicit the crushing disappointment of the ones whom you love. The sun starts to dip below the horizon. The shadows lengthen, dusk falls, the temperature plummets. You're hopelessly caught in your own folly, and this world that once beckoned you now rejects you. Its beauty to you is gone forever. You've lost the naivety once so precious to you. You're weary and exhausted. A tear slips down your cheek and freezes there. You ask yourself, why did you ever leave your warm home to brave this unfriendly place? Why did you ever leave the ones who you love to enter this world that hates you? Despair seizes your soul, and you watch as the last of the light leaves. And then you realize: you're completely alone in this freezing darkness that threatens to snatch your life away.

Does that sound familiar to anyone? Is anyone else in that dark place of your life in which you wonder what you have gotten yourself into? I hope I'm not as alone as I feel...

I've progressed a little. Picked myself up a little. I admit, I'm being melodramatic. I tend to be that way...

I know you all don't know what's going on my life, and I don't know what's going on in yours. But let's make a promise to each other, shall we? Let's promise to be kind to the people we pass by on the street. The hardest battles anyone ever fights are the ones they keep hidden. The same people you see smiling throughout the day are the same people who cry themselves to sleep at night. Everyone is fighting a harder battle. So be kind. You never know what a kind word or a listening ear could do to someone who desperately needs it.

I'm not saying I'm one of those people, I have a wonderful family, supportive friends, and a bright future. I have everything looking up for me. But I'm so scared that the mistakes I'm making now will affect my life forever. I'm afraid people will find out that I'm not as strong as I make myself seem. I'm so scared that my inability to trust will just grow worse as I grow older, and soon I will be truly alone, having rejected the only people who truly love me. 

I'm just rambling now. So I think I'll stop. Thanks for reading. 

7 replies:

Rachel Danielle said...

Bekah, this cut deep. Thanks. I know all these feelings, and I know what it's like to lose the ability to trust. And people ARE always going to leave you alone and fail you. But God never will. And when you've entrusted your heart to him, it's free to simply go about giving to people, instead of needing them to hold it.

[Lauren] said...

Bekah, I don't know if you remember me, but I've been following you for quite some time now. I know every one of these feelings. I have really bad depression (diagnosed and all) and I feel like this is my life. Just remember that you are not alone. I don't know what you're going through, but I know how you feel. Please, don't give up hope, you WILL get better. You're strong. I believe in you!


[Lauren] said...

Hey! Thanks so much for your comment. I think you and I are a lot more similar than we realize. That's good because now each of has someone to relate to! (you can totally stop reading here if you think you'll be "triggered" in any way, I completely understand)

It was this time last year when I started cutting, to be totally honest. It was a pretty routine thing, but then I was able to stop completely for three months throughout the summer, but I've started up again recently, and it's only been a week since I've done it. :/ But basically I've been through every psychological disorder one can imagine (even the one you mentioned on my blog), so I think I'm pretty good with advice and all that, because I've been there before. So yeah, if you ever wanna talk, you know where to find me! :) (God, I did not mean for that to sound so creepy...)

Emily said...

Hey Bekah. I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I'm praying for ya :) It's hard for me to trust in some ways, so I can understand where you're come from there.

A few years ago, I became friends with this really sweet girl. But I started to feel really insignificant compared to her because everyone loved her and she was beautiful, and I just felt so blah. But it was about that time that I found you're blog, and you wrote a post about being yourself, and that really helped me! So thanks!

Ruthie said...

Rebekah grace Shaffer, I love you and I'm always going to be here for you.. No matter what <3 and I read this and I was like wow I know what your talking about. But your strong you will be okay, youll make it through. God is here and he'll never leave you (: remember what doesent kill you will only make you Stronger. -Ruthie

Shelley said...

I don't know what you're going through, and can't relate that much, but just stay strong and don't give up. You're never alone, there's always someone in your corner. And it sounds like you're surrounded by some really supportive people. Replace your fear with faith. Don't let your worries swallow you up. Hang in there Bekah! <3

Bailey said...

Oh, Bekah. This spoke to me today. Thank you.

- From a hurting girl everyone thinks is perfect

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