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Saturday, April 17, 2010

So Do Dreams Die...

A writer.
Ever since age nine, that's how I've defined myself. "I write. That makes me a writer." From the moment I had that revelation, it became my catch phrase. Never did I doubt it, all those years - I'm a writer. That's who I am. That's who I always will be.

My writing notebook - just dying to be written in again.


But things change. Just as relationships cool, just as a rainbow fades, just as all good things need to come to an end - so do dreams die.

So do passions end.

I don't know who I am anymore - I don't know with what words to define myself. Am I a writer? I don't know anymore. Am I a photographer? I don't know anymore. Am I a reader? I don't know anymore.

And if I don't know...

...does that even matter?...


I tried writing just a few minutes ago. I really tried. I sat there at my computer, stared at where I left off in my dying novel that has a brilliant plot but no heart, and realized for the first time how little I really know myself.

I don't know how to define myself. I don't know what I'm like. I don't know how I act. I don't know my habits, my hobbies, my interests - and if I did, I wouldn't understand how to develop them.

...


There's these plants out in the backyard. Each of them have beautiful flowers that blossom in the summer - but right now, they're just buds.

 

Do I doubt that someday these buds will blossom into flowers?

No.


God knows who I am and who I need to become - and I need to trust Him with that. I need to let go, and to trust that He will revive what needs to be revived.

I am a pile of embers, but He will blow new life into me...that I am sure of, just as I am confident that the sun will rise in the morning...

I can't wait for those plants to blossom. :)

18 replies:

Alexandra said...

I just felt that same way a few months ago--it only lasted a couple of weeks though, because I took His hand, and He guided me through life...

...but just hang in there Bekah, you're absolutely right, God WILL choose your future, and He WILL 'revive what needs to be revived' soon enough :)

{Lovely pictures}

-Alexandra

Seth Skogerboe said...

You are still wondering?! Can you even tell by these pictures that you ARE a photographer?! XD

Jenna said...

:) You will Blossum soon enough:) Just wait a little bit longer hon.
Love youu!

Katherine Alice said...

I think everyone goes through this at least once in their life :). Just keep believeing what you have just said and it will come true :) God does have a special plan for all of us!
God Bless
Kathy

Kristin said...

Yes, God will point you in whatever direction He has for you and who He made you specifically to be. We are doing an "identity theft" series at church right now, and learned last week that the enemy would love nothing more than to steal our identity in Christ and make us feel like we have to figure it all out. But, the truth is that all we have to do is put our faith and trust in the Lord, because He already has it all figured out and planned.

The passions He gives you and gifts He grows are for a specific reason. It is just our job to keep trusting. You don't have to define yourself into only one thing or limit yourself. Most likely, all of the passions you develop along the way will all add up to the person that God sees as you down the road :)

Abigail Kraft said...

Bekah...you have nothing to worry about! To be 12, and already have this perspective is amazing in and of itself...I'm almost 17, and I feel like I'm still just starting to explore the path that God has led me down. He WILL show you exactly who you are, He's just giving you time...just like those buds. Because without the buds, how would our anticipation and excitement for the flowers to bloom every come about?

Love you Bekah.
--Ab

Cassie said...

Oh, yes, Bekah! I often feel the same way... isn't it an amazing relief to just let go and leave it up to God? We still have most of our lives ahead of us and God's plan isn't through with us yet! =D

A beautiful, true, post.

Love in Christ,
Your friend,
Cassie

Eldarwen said...

Wow, Bekah, that was so touching. Seriously. This post was really... just, wow. So poetic and so beautiful! :)

{Love}
Eldarwen

Marissa said...

Bekah, You are not alone! And like Ab said to be 12 and already have a perspective like that is amazing. I am stilly trying to figure out who I am... and I'm almost 17! I think thats what teen years are for... to figure out who we are and what our purpose is. I have no doubt God will show you in time who you are. It just takes time, just like those buds.

Love you!
--Marissa

Barbie said...

You are so young but have such an amazing outlook on your future. God knows the plans He has for you and He put all of those desires and passions in you. Yes, sometimes He changes them up a bit. But always remember that it's not about what you do, but it is who you are -- a beautiful, smart, creative, loving, kind, etc, etc. creation of His. You are a masterpiece and I am sure no matter what you do, you will take the world by storm! God will guide you every step of the way!

Memzie said...

Wow! What you have just learned and expressed in your post took me two years of depression to figure out. You are an amazing and wise young lady, Bekah. God is going to use you in incredible ways, I have no doubt.

Evergreena said...

You are a writer. This beautiful post proves it. :) You keep surprising me with these lovely gems of posts, brief little insights into your heart and mind and creativity, even if it may sometimes seem to you as though your well is dry.

I think most writers feel this way. Often. "Was I really meant to do this?" "Who am I?" "Where is my inspiration?"

Keep trying, keep writing, it will come.

Blessings on you (and your writing!)
~Evergreena

P.S. I also ditto what Marissa said above.

bob said...

Bekah:
are you confused? ... talk to me in 50 years. ha
Reading precedes good writing.
Counsel from the Holy Spirit leads to inspiration and what you call The Flash moments ... You need to learn to rest in your position in Christ. Abide Above and the Holy Spirit will guide you to exactly where he wants you to be and what he wants you to do. A good study in the deeper truths would help a lot. Most Christians live their entire life striving to accomplish their purpose when all they really needed to do all along was to Abide Above and rest in their position in Christ. He will transform you in ways you never imagined.

Suggested Reading: The Complete Green Letters by Miles J. Stanford at amazon for a few bucks

God Bless you my friend, Bob

Rachel said...

Bekah,

Now is the time to embrace the many blossoms in your life. At your age I wouldn't expect you to know what you are to become. And in the same breath you shouldn't pick a bud off just because at the moment it isn't blooming. Figuring out God's path takes time...and since you are twelve...you have time. Embrace these years! That is what I tell Hannah. Don't fight the unknowing, and don't think that you can't do something because it's frustrating or doesn't seem like it's working now. OK? Smile. And write.

Blessings,
Rachel

[Laurea] said...

Beautiful post, Bekah. And so true. I feel that people don't NEED to fit into one specific definition. You can be a writer, reader, and photographer. Because that's what makes you "you".

Hope this helps!

Peace,
[Laurea]

Anna Gray said...

I agree with Abigail. God will show you the path to take though. Whether it's now or in a few years. With how tactful and mature this post is, I would not ever put you at age 12. I would put you at either 15 or 16.

P.S. I saw your poll saying 'Should I Delete the Word Crafter?' and oh. my. gosh. You seriously can't delete it! I don't know WHAT the heck I'd do without you as a bloggy chum! I would probably cry if you deleted this blog (no joke, I really would).

Love ya! =)

Annie said...

Bekah-

I'm 19, and have known I wanted to write since I was 12, a strange epiphany, since I'd been writing all sorts of things since I was 6 or 7. I've had quite a few times where I've felt similar to the way you are now. If you are truly a writer, and I think you are, the passion will come back to you. This may be God reminding you that you cannot define yourself by your writing, but instead by Him. And it may also be Him directing you elsewhere.

Either way, I'll be praying for you.

In Christ,
Annie

Melody said...

I agree with Rachel - don't pull buds off just because you think you have to channel your energy into one thing! The best definition isn't "writer" or "photographer" or "reader"... but "Child of God." You are loved by the most High God, who is shaping you into just the right person He means you to be.

Blessings,

~Melody

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