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Sunday, January 10, 2010

Short Excerpt of Elgaroth

I thought I would share a short excerpt (actually the Prologue) or Elgaroth--my novel that I'm working on.

This is completely un-edited. I haven't shown it to anyone. Please tell me exactly what you think--even if you think it's miserable. I love critique. ^^ (Don't judge the Prophecy of the Three too harshly--I know it's pathetic. I stink at writing prophecies.)

Prologue




IT WAS RAINING. The forest was silent except for the gentle noises of the rain pattering onto the mossy ground.

Then through the forest came the sounds of horses galloping. A black-clothed woman leaned over a black horse, urging it forward. A garbled word rolled off her tongue, and the foaming beast increased its speed.

Behind her, mounted on white horses, rode three men, their muddied white robes flapping behind them. They formed a half-circle around her, all of them reaching for their swords to cut her down, when the woman’s steed sprang to the left, knocking one of the white horses out of the way.

“Come back, Araldar!” called one of the white-men. “You don’t deserve to be used like this!”

“Trissa has offered me more then you could ever give,” spat Araldar, veering off to the side, causing the others to follow her.

“Perhaps, but she requires a much dearer price—your soul!”

“Leave me alone,” she said bitterly. “She deserves to read the prophecy. She deserves to be warned.”

“She is evil, Araldar! Her downfall will be the best thing that has ever happened to Elgaroth since the days of Creation.”

“She is powerful,” the woman corrected. “Unlike you,” she muttered resentfully and then commanded “Run!” to her horse. The panting steed bolted away with unnatural dexterity, outrunning the others, as it was given Dark energy.

The white riders reined their horses in, each rider patting his horse’s neck as they watched the black horse disappear between the trees.

The oldest-looking one bent his head. “It is over,” he whispered.

***
“My Queen,” Araldar dropped to one knee, her head bowed respectfully, offering the mud-splattered roll of parchment to the enthroned woman. “I have retrieved it. I have retrieved the prophecy that concerns you.”

“Well done,” said the woman coldly, reaching out a spidery hand and taking the roll. She unrolled it, and her black eyes quickly scanned the fine script printed on it.

PROPHECY OF THE THREE

THE PARALLEL WEAKENS;

THE WORLD OF SHADOW

FALLS INTO EVIL.

WHEN ALL HOPE SEEMS LOST,

THEN SHALL THE THREE APPEAR.

ONE SHALL TURN TO EVIL;

ONE SHALL DIE FOR THE OTHER TWO;

THE OTHER MAY KILL THE QUEEN,

OR SUFFER HER EVERLASTING WRATH.

ONE HAS HEALING POWERS,

ONE HAS THE GIFT TO SEE AHEAD;

BUT THE THIRD IS THE MOST DANGEROUS

WITH DESTRUCTION AS HER SWORD.


BUT WHAT ARISES FROM THE MUCK

WILL NOT EASILY SUCCUMB;

THE EVIL ONE’S GREATEST WEAPON

IS BUILT TO OVERCOME.


ON THESE THREE

THE FATES OF ALL REST.

WITHOUT THEM, EVIL SHALL DEFEAT ALL ELSE.


BUT IF THE THREE SHOULD SUCCEED

ALL IS NOT AS IT SEEMS,

FOR THE DEEP EVIL, THOUGH WEAKENED

SHALL STILL REMAIN.


AGAIN SHALL DARKNESS CONSUME THE LAND,

AND AGAIN SHALL ELGAROTH’S SAVIORS APPEAR.

BUT THIS TIME ONLY ONE SHALL COME,

MORE POWERFUL THEN THOSE BEFORE.


THE ONE WILL STRIVE TO

COMPLETE THE WORK SET BEFORE HER;

BUT WHETHER SHE SHALL SUCCEED,

EVEN THE PROPHETS CANNOT TELL.


BEWARE, EVIL OF THE LAND,

FOR YOUR DOWNFALL IS DRAWING NIGH.

The queen allowed the roll to curl back up. Her face was a mask, but her eyes were hard and furious. “So they try to scare me, do they?” she finally asked calmly, casting the scroll onto the floor carelessly. “It was a weak attempt,” her lip curled as she spoke the words.

“But, my Queen,” Araldar protested, furious that she was so nonchalant to this danger. I went to all this trouble, and this is how she responds, she thought, enraged. “Surely you will takes some precaution and send spies to Earth?”

Trissa glared at her arrogantly through half-shut lids. She considered this prospect for a long while before finally hissing, “You are disrespectful. But I will send spies to Earth.”

“Thank you, my Queen. I am glad you are wise enough to take this path.”

Trissa’s eyes flashed angrily at Araldar’s implication; the traitorous elf, catching the look, hurriedly added, “Your wisdom regardless should never be challenged. However foolish prophecies may seem, they need always be heeded.” Araldar bowed deeply, then turned and left.

As the door shut behind her servant, Trissa picked up the scroll again, and read it one more time. For the first time in years, she felt an icy blade of fear pierce her soul.

“They will die,” she vowed. “Every one of them.”

 © Bekah Grace

Hope that wasn't too mediocre or cliche or utterly lame. Please comment and tell me what you think. Input is vital in the blossoming of this story. ^^ (And no, at the present moment, I don't have a book-cover. I should do that on Gimp one of these days.)

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5 replies:

Seth Skogerboe said...

I must be completely honest, so I will say this: I do find it VERY cliche. Sorry. As always, it's well written, but it needs something more. I've read many things that have the same concept, and I think that you'd have to do something extremely drastic to get it on the right track.It could be worked with, but it may be to usual than I can handle. So if your gonna rope me into it, it will have to be more of your own thing. Might just be me, though.

***Emily*** said...

Ooh! It's really good! Now for the critisim...

At first I didn't know if the men on the white horses were supposed to be bad guys telling Araldar that the good guy was actually bad.

Prophecies are difficult to write... maybe you should look in the Bible to see how Isaiah wrote prophecies.


So far it doesn't sound clich, though through the prophecy I can see where you are headed with the story.... have fun with the sacrifice for me. I hope that has helped

In Christ,
Emily

Nicole said...

Love your blog! And thank you for following me:)!
You've got a way with words. I can see you becoming a wonderful writer one day.
Your voice pours out of the words! I would definitely continue to read. But.. it's a little confusing. I would add a couple paragraphs about the setting maybe.
Keep writing!
:)

thewordcrafter said...

I'm going to give you three technical critiques that I wish someone had given me when I was your age.

1) Beware verbs of being. Brutally eliminate them and replace with action verbs. I was please to see that you had very few... I think you've heard this one before.
2)-ly adverbs are a big NO NO! This is a quick indicator of immature writing technique. Replace them with more descriptive verbs and nouns.
3) Speech attributions should be invisible, like punctution. When possible ALWAYS use just plain-ole "said", because it disappears when reading. The speech attitudes you are trying to describe should come across through the wording of the dialogue and through beats (action between dialogue that indicates the speaker.) Example... “But, my Queen,” Araldar protested. Protested is reduntant, the "But already indicates protesting. Use said. "It was a weak attempt,” her lip curled as she spoke the words. Good beat... but unfortuantely the comma makes it speech attribution, which doesn't make sense. Not only can a lip not speak in and of itself, but how do you curl a sentence?

Hope this helps you in your editing process.

Mia said...

I thought it was exciting, and I think it has a lot of potential :) I will admit, the beginning was a bit confusing, as I didn't always know who was talking. But thankfully, that can be easily fixed!

Love your blog! I'm a new follower now :)

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