perfect imperfections

It's so easy to make little excuses for little mistakes. It's so easy to say, "Hey, God, don't get on my case, I only said it one time," or "Hey, God, what would you have done in this situation? I'm pretty sure I acted like anyone else would have acted, I didn't do anything wrong," or "Hey, God, I yelled at Peter today cuz I was crabby, I don't usually act like that, give me a break."

It's so easy to let the devil get a foothold, as they say. It's so easy to conform without even knowing you're doing it. It's so easy to change unconsciously, to be like everyone else.

When I was homeschooled, I didn't know anything about "the outside world"; if you're homeschooled, that happens. When I entered public highschool, I learned rapidly what was cool and what wasn't.

I changed how I did my hair. I changed how I did my makeup. I changed the way I dressed and the way I walked. I changed the way I laughed and the way I wrote. I changed the radio station I listened to. I changed the books I read and the music I bought. I changed my ideas of what was acceptable and what was not. I changed the things I talked about. I changed the way I view myself. And the list goes on..

You want the gist of it? I changed myself. Bit by bit. It started with my music and ended with my morals and now I've lost myself.

I've been a Christian on the good days. I've prayed when I remembered to, but my prayers are dead and meaningless...just words. But I feel like I am a good girl. I dont swear, I dont date, I dont make dirty jokes, I dont skip school, I dont do drugs, I dont smoke, I dont drink. So on the outside, I am a good girl. I'm respectable.

And that's exactly where the problem is. Society TELLS us who we are, and we HAVE to live up to that expectation. I HAVE to be skinny. I HAVE to be pretty. I HAVE to be popular. I HAVE to be smart. I HAVE to be funny. I HAVE to be athletic. I HAVE to excel at EVERYTHING I do, otherwise I am a FAILURE. I have to be able to wear size two jeans, otherwise I am a BAD person. I have to wear the cutest clothes otherwise I am a BAD person. I have to have a million cool friends, otherwise I am a BAD person. I HAVE to make varsity, otherwise I SUCK at life.

I have to be PERFECT, otherwise I am WORTHLESS.

That is what society tells us, as young women. WE HAVE TO FIGHT THAT. That is NOT the truth, that is lies. We CANNOT believe what they tell us, because we are SO much more than that. We CANNOT let that lie define us. We MUST look beyond what is smothering us, and know that we are MEANT for a different world. We MUST know that this world full of lies and deceit and crap is NOT all there is. We must TRUST that there is more to life than the constant battle for perfection and fitting in.

JUST BECAUSE society thinks that it can TELL us who we are, that DOES NOT MEAN that we have to listen to it! Today, girls, lets STEP ABOVE that, lets REFUSE to re-mold ourselves to fit into the world's patterns BECAUSE GOD MADE US FOR A DIFFERENT WORLD.

If you weigh 150 or 110, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If your face is blemished or unblemished, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you have a ton of friends or not that many, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you struggle with school or you dont struggle with school, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you make everyone laugh or just a couple people, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you can run the mile in six minutes or fifteen, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

You DO NOT have to live up to the world's standards, because it will fade away, and YOU will be left standing in front of God, and NOTHING ELSE WILL MATTER. Those jeans you spent all your money on? GONE. All those friends you had? Gone. Does God care how much you weighed? Does He care if you made varsity or JV? Does He care if you were popular? Does he care if you were funny?

NO.

Everything that the world tells you matters, DOESNT. As young women, we have to IGNORE the pull of the world.

Because guess what?

This. World. LIES. It does not tell you the truth. God is the only truth, and I have to GIVE my life to Him, otherwise I wasted it.  I have to spend it GLORIFYING HIM, because He is the ONLY THING that matters.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. -Hebrews 12:1

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. John 15:19

You Can't Define My Worth

I'm not the shoes I wear, I'm not the clothes I buy
I'm not the house I live in, I'm not the car I drive
I'm not the job I work, You can't define my worth
By nothing on God's green earth, my identity is found in Christ.

Everything in this world is upside down. The things that should not matter, suddenly occupy my every moment. And the things that do matter, are cast aside, are left behind, are subconsciously shoved into a dark corner of my mind and forgotten. It's a new year, but nothing seems to have changed. Nothing is different, but everything is different. I changed...and I've been entombed in this new Bekah for so long that I can't go back to the old Bekah. Nothing has changed, but everything has changed. Nothing is different, but everything is different.

Identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self destruct.

Writing used to be, quite literally, my life...I would live in the worlds I created, I would breathe the air that I produced, I would act the characters that flowed from my fingertips. How can something that used to be everything to you suddenly mean nothing to you? I try to write, but I've lost it. I've lost the way with words that I used to have. I wrote two pages yesterday, forced myself to write them, forced myself to pretend the way things used to be.

They wont like me if I ain't in them J's or them brand new Nikes,
Lets dig deeper inside my pysche
When it's all said and done even I don't like me

When things are going my way, I'm happy. When I go shopping, when I have a good day at school, when I'm hanging out with a friend, I am happy. But my mood goes up and down, up and down, constantly in flux, never steady. The little things matter the most to me. I get more upset over the fact that I didnt get to see a friend than the fact that day by day I am spending less and less time with my siblings....Everything is backwards, upside down. I'm lost, I've fallen down the rabbit hole and am in a strange world in which I know nothing about. Without my Jesus, nothing makes sense, nothing gives me joy, I am constantly preoccupied with chasing dust bunnies while my soul is crying out for something more...something deeper. Some people might be content with following the wind, but I long for somewhere I can call home. Life seems so meaningless, I need Jesus, I need hope that this is not all there is.

Got her hair done, toes and nails
Is that Her? well it's hard to tell
Cause she's so caked up in so much make up
It's like she's tryna make up for what she ain't.

Silver jeans, a Guess sweater, Ugg boots, Charlotte Russe earrings, all those things are nice, but they cannot be my identity. I AM NOT THE CLOTHES I BUY. These things are so trivial, so unimportant! So why are they my life?? Why do I spend so much money and energy and thought on clothes, on appearence, on my hair, on my friends?

How do I gauge success, why do I say I'm blessed?
Is it the car that I drive or the place that I rest or the way that I dress?

Dear Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for how childish I have been. Forgive me for how much time I have wasted, forgive me for how I have ignored you. Worshiping you is the only reason I am on this earth, and yet I have let everything distract me, pull me away from the purpose of life. I want to be a part of your kingdom, I want to be yours...FOREVER.

To live is Christ yeah that's Paul I recall
To die is gain so for Christ we give it all
He's the treasure you'll never find in the mall
Your money your singleness marriage talent and time
They were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is Divine
That's why it's Christ in my rhymes
That's why it's Christ all the time
My whole world is built around him He's the life in my lines,
I refuse to waste my life
He's too true ta chase that ice.
all quotes by lecrae, "identity" and "dont waste your life"

I don't want to be a part of something I don't believe in. I don't want to do the same old every day...I want to be real, deep, new. God, I'm so sorry for taking this long to realize that.

what's tangible

Ever get to the point where so many things are wrong that you just lay in bed wondering where you even start to mend? Broken relationships, insecurity, doubts and fears of equal measure, and this overwhelming deadness inside that's frightening to ponder on. Also, what do you do when you reach the point where you dont know yourself anymore? How do you fix that? "Hey self, let's get reacquainted because you are a total stranger to me right now." Yeah, I dont think so.

I look at myself just a year ago. I read diaries from just a short year ago. And I'm a totally different girl. My friends notice it and my family notice it. Just a year ago, I didnt care heck what people thought about me. I wish I could say the same now, but it's exactly the opposite. I've changed. Not in the maturing way. Everyone matures. I'm changing. My moral standards are lowering. I spend less and less time with God. Things are shifting. My core is adjusting to the world. My inner compass is spinning out of control.

Those metaphors are all very nice but the truth is. I dont know me anymore. And when you get to that point, where you're so strung out you dont even know yourself, its hard to change.

I want to change. My week in Rapid City helped me realize that. I cried my eyes out the last night when we got our feet washed because God opened my eyes to everything I'm doing that is not like myself.

If I be honest with myself (which is really painful to do), then I have to come to the conclusion that I'm conforming. Is it my choice of friends that is encouraging that conformation? I could say yes. Then I can blame other people. I do hang out with a variety of people, from strict Christians to kids very lax in their faith (or dont have any at all). But I cannot blame that on them because regardless of my surroundings it shouldn't affect my inner being. So whose fault is it, really? Mine. completely mine.

The little choices I find myself making disturb me. Reading Harry Potter instead of my Bible. Listening to my iPod before bed instead of praying. Forgetting God during the day instead of having Him be my constant companion. These things pile up and before I know it, I never read my Bible, I never pray, and I never think about God, ever. I focus on the tangible things, and make those things more important. I forget the non-tangible: God. Faith. Heaven. Jesus. Everything that is truly vital I push to the side.

these things are important...

...but when they replace God? When they shunt Him out? Friends are so beautiful. I am so blessed by my amazing friends. But I'm so busy with them. Constantly hanging out with them or planning another time. And that's just one example. What about Facebook? What about my cell phone? Oh and what about my appearance. I worry about that a lot.

Do you see what I mean? These things are good things. But they have become much much much too important to me. I cling onto what is tangible. And completely forget what is really important.

Today, I just looked around me. I'm drifting away from my family. I realized I don't run to my mom like I used to. I don't pray before bed with my sister like I used to. When was the last time me and my older brother had a down-to-earth talk? I never spend time with my younger brother anymore. He asks and begs and pleads and I keep saying no and before long he's not even gonna ask. And just today my dad asked if I wanted to go to Caribou and I immediately said no because who needs the calories that a Caribou has? Why the heck am I turning it down because of the calories? I should treasure the time it would offer one-on-one with my daddy.

I wish I could end this post on something hopeful, something suggesting rapid change. But I couldnt come up with anything that would be true. What do you want me to say? Want me to lie and say that tomorrow morning I'll probably wake up and go to church and sing my heart out and cry over the sermon? Do you want me to say that I'll immediately feel a vibrance inside and a realness and a certain life that belies Christ? Because both you and me know that that's impossible.

All I can say is that I'm trying. I'm trying to live life the right way. I'm trying to do my best. I'm trying to honor everyone and make the right choices.

But is that enough? I dont know anymore.

Truth be told, I dont know anything anymore.

It will be called the Way of Holiness

I laugh.

I am surrounded by friends always. I have a group that follow me everywhere. When I walk in, I am smothered in hugs and "guess what?"s.

I'm never alone.

Life looks good for me.

But at night, my ghosts still haunt me - my memories still dog my every step.

Youth group Wednesday. All my beautiful friends. I went out to eat with my best friend, her mentor, and my mentor before youth group. Applebees was delish, not to mention very fun.

Later in the evening, me and my friends head outside after a large-group talk. We have a choice to do floor hockey or sidewalk chalk, and we all end up doing chalk, but slack off and talk instead. As my friend says something funny, and I start laughing, a young eighth-grader who wasn't new but never made any friends walks by with a piece of chalk in her hand. She looks at me, and then her eyes wander over my group of friends who were all sitting with me.

And my smile fades, because I see this deep longing in her eyes for what I have.

Friends.

Someone to talk to through the hour and a half at church which can seem so very long when alone. Someone to laugh with and someone that will say goodbye to her when she has to leave. Someone to listen to her when she has a bad day and cry with her when she needs it. Someone to tease her because that's what friends do.

I have had that blessing of friends all my life. I have no recollection of ever sitting alone, of ever feeling on the outside; because I never have been on the outside. I've always been in the center. At church, in sports, in my neighborhood. I've always had many people that hug me bye when I leave and run up to me when I come in.

I knew what the girl wanted. I knew that it would have made her whole entire week if I had just walked away from my friends and said hi to her.

But you know what I did?

I looked away. I didn't do anything, except ignore her until she walked away. I purposefully let her know that she's unwanted and that she doesn't belong with my friends.

When she finally walked away, I felt something rush up in me. For once, the friends that surrounded me sickened me. I hated them for dulling my sense of awareness. Because they've loved me unconditionally, I can never relate to the girl on the outside, because that's never been me. It just hasn't been.

Then I realized how stupid I was to be angry at my friends. It's my fault that I never reach out. That I stay in my comfort zone and shrug "who cares about that girl? This is about me and appearing invulnerable."

This girl is going on the mission trip with my church that I am going on with several of my friends. We had a meeting about the trip last Sunday. We were supposed to share why we wanted to go on the trip. You know what the girl said?

"I'm going on the mission trip because I want to make friends."

That struck me hard. She wants to make friends. That's all she wants. She just wants one friend that will be there for her.

Next Wednesday, I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to walk up to her and introduce myself. I'm not going to lie: she doesn't look like the funnest person to be around, she looks like a young child and kind of annoying. But I am not going to let that control whether or not I talk to her. She is probably a wonderful girl, ignored because of her physical appearence. I have seen her walk around alone all year, but I pushed away the thought of reaching out because I didn't want her to be my friend.

She needs a friend. That's a need that is very important for her, and I can fill that need. Why did I hesitate all year?

Because I had an image that I needed to keep up, and having her be my friend would destroy the image. I wouldn't look cool hanging out with her, because she doesn't look like a cool person typically looks like. All my other friends are cool. Why should I want a non-cool friend?

The root of this is image. I worry too much about what other people think. It hurts to acknowledge that. It hurts to realize that. But it's true. It's so true.

This will be the first small step of reaching out. It will be the first stone taken out of the wall that I have built around myself. It will be the first risk I take. I pray it won't be the last.

Isaiah 35

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God. 

Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;


Say to those with fearful hearts,
"Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you."


Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.


The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.


And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it. 

No lion will be there,
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,


And the ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

On and On and On

I always fall short. Always. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not pretty enough. My hair isn't blonde enough. My skin isn't tan enough. No matter how much I exercise, and how carefully I watch what I eat, I'm still not as skinny as so-and-so. No matter how much time I spend over my hair/makeup, I still look terrible next to this person. Even though I try to smile and laugh, I still won't appear as secure as this friend does. Regardless of how hard I try, I still won't come up on top. So-and-so will still be able to condescend to me.

On and on and on the cycle goes. Never ending. And I hate this. I tell myself that I need to be confident in who I am - and then five minutes later, I'm feeling that oh-so-familiar despair that I'll never measure up.

Before I knew what was happening, I began to let my Bible time in the morning slip. Instead, I spent that time straightening my hair, or sitting in the sun. I pushed away the urge to pray before I fell asleep each night, saying, "Later, I will. Right now I'm too tired." And yet I spent endless masses of time in angry comparison and discontent. I'm crabby and irritable: wasting so much time figuring out ways to appear perfect is tiring.

In spending so much time worrying over my outward appearence, I have allowed my inner being - the part that really matters - to deteriorate. And that cannot happen.

Take a building for example. Without strong inner structure, this building will not withstand anything. No matter how beautiful you make it look on the outside - even if you paint it white and give it beautiful windows and glorious landscaping - it is doomed. It will never be a safe building. And with people, that much more so. Without our inner structure, without strong faith, we also will crumble.

Today I will remember to thank God for the many blessings He has given me. Tomorrow, I will read my Bible and I will be overwhelmed by His goodness.

I will still find myself comparing myself to others once in a while. That's inevitable in this culture. But God made me unique, and in wishing I am different, I am degrading His creation. I may not be perfect, but God did not make any mistake when he knitted me together in my mother's womb.

Who I am is who I am...why try to change that?

The Waterbottle Revenge Team

Life. It's an odd thing, isn't it? You can feel happy and sad at the same time - loved and lonely, blissful and melancholy. You can love someone, but be angry at them at the same time. You can get so caught up in your emotions it feels like life is a fickle thing, full of ups and downs, good days and bad days. And if you think so, you're right, because life is like that. You can have a great day Monday, and a terrible day Tuesday. Or a beautiful day on Friday and then wake up Saturday feeling like screaming.

It gets so tiring to try and make sense of life, because it's a nonsensical thing. There are good things in it and there are bad things in it, and sometimes you get hit over the head with both at the same time. And it's exhausting to try and figure out which emotion you should listen to, which feeling you should act upon. I never knew my heart was so complicated. I never knew I could make life this complex this easily.

This morning, I relaxed. I took a break from all the complications of life and breathed in the fresh summer air, felt the sun beat down on my face...and smiled. My cousins are over, David and Matthew, and we played soccer in the backyard. Me, Ab, and David against Josh, Mat and Pete. I had this waterbottle that I had filled up because it was so dang hot, and everyone else was trying to steal drinks from it. So David, me and Ab entitled our soccer team the Watterbottle Revenge Team. We needed to whoop the Boogers (yeah...that's what they named their team. Seriously.) because they stole from my waterbottle.

Aaaand we lost miserably. But it was so much fun to laugh, to run, to sweat, and to have fun with each other. Because it was a blast.

The Waterbottle Revenge Team dominates.

And life is a blast. True, it's complicated, and complex, and sometimes I don't know what to feel like. But if I take a deep breath and look around, and appreciate everything that God has given me...what can I feel like but happy?

Confessions - Striving for the REAL.

Confessions. Confessions of what? Of things that I have left unspoken of, that I have left lie in the fathoms of my mind. Of things that I am going through, of things that I ache to write of but know I shouldn't. Is there an image I am trying to create throughout the Blogger world?

I'm not such a bubbly person, you know. Even when I wrote that "happy" post a few days ago...I wasn't all that happy. I was just trying to be happy - because I was desperate for happiness. When I clicked "Publish", it all crashed on me. I realized all at once that my blog is not an honest place. It's not a place of real-ness, of day-to-day struggles. It was a place for me to have an image - an image that is very unlike my self.

If I can't be REAL, why click over? Why take the time to read fakeness? If I can't share my life - in a REAL way, what is the point? Do I grow by writing fakeness? No. Do you grow by reading fakeness? No.

Being real means being vulnerable. Sharing what is most painful can never be easy. So I will be vulnerable today - I will share even when it means hurting.

Okay...

Well, as you probably know, I have been homeschooled all my life. I've been sheltered from the world, you could say. Ironically, the only time I am exposed to swearing and worse is at church. I have a large group of friends there. I'm not selective when it comes to friends. You want to be my friend? Go ahead. My church is like that too. They accept everyone for who they are. Which is super nice, but I have some weird friends. Some friends I don't hardly even like. Nevertheless, it is very easy for you to become one of my best friends. It's also kind of annoying to have a group of people following you around, especially when you just want to talk with two of your very best friends alone.

I had a best friend a long time ago. We did everything together. We told each other everything. You would never see one without the other. I saw her almost every day. Then one day, she decided she wanted to be best friends with another girl. She told this girl all my "secrets" (like I had any real ones at age ten) and passed everything I said on to this other girl.

You would think I would learn from this, wouldn't you? You would think that I would walk away from this overdramatic backstabbing between a few ten year olds, and I would remember it. Well, I didn't. And it's happened several times over again these last few years. And each time, I've just let it happen...I cried, sure. But what I really tried to do was forget, thus I didn't learn from my mistakes. I didn't guard my heart, my trust, my affection, though I should have, as I learned from these experiences.

I've been told that I'm too nice. That I care too much about what other people think, meaning that I will always try to make the other person feel better, even if that means lying. That I don't stand up for myself. That I let other people push me around, trample over me. That I'm impulsive.

I've also been told that I'm the best listener. That I laugh easily. That I carry conversation as naturally as I breathe. That I'm the most amazing person in the world, which I know is obviously not true. That I am sympathetic and feel deeply.

I guess I'm just a mixed bag. But why does this all bother me? Perhaps I should be asking why would this not bother me?

This fall, I'm going to public highschool. I don't understand crude jokes, I don't even know many swear words and I have next to no knowledge of mainstream artists. I only listen to Air1. I had no inkling as to who Beyonce is until a few months ago. One of my friends was literally gaping at me when I asked her who Beyonce is. "You don't know who Beyonce is? Do you live in a hole in the ground or something?"

Daddy told me once that I had to be careful who I made friends with at school. There's gotta be some pretty nasty people out there. But there has to be incredible people there too, right?

Life is a mixed bag. There are good things and there are bad things. People are a mixed bag. There are good people and there are bad people. Sometimes you can't tell if a person is a good person or a bad person unless you get to know them. I can usually tell, but sometimes I'm way off. I judge someone, and it turns out they're an amazing person. I accept someone, and it turns out they're not so amazing.

You know the saying, "One bad apple can spoil the lot"? When someone says that, they're not talking about apples. They're talking about people. They're saying one bad person can twist a good person.

I don't think that's true.

Yes, we need to be careful of who we hang out with, for the Bible says, "Bad company corrupts good character." But it works the other way around too, just as easily.

I had a friend, a long-time friend. Since fifth grade, I've known her and loved her. She had some issues, with life, with boys, with family, with God. God used to be something that went in one ear and went out the other for her. She swore, I didn't. She dated, I didn't. We didn't like any of the same things. And were very unlike each other. But still we remained friends.

In the last few months, I've noticed a change in this friend. She's searched for God - and she found Him recently. She stopped swearing and dating. She stopped zoning out during school and actually started focusing and trying to do better. She's told me her grades have improved. And I'm so happy.

My other friends say this change is because of my influence in her life. Perhaps. But it wasn't me. God was the one who connected us early on, God was the one who strengthened our friendship into something more. And God was the one who finally found His way into her heart and transformed her.

I proudly call this girl one of my besties.

I'm rambling now. But this whole situation with school next year, and how I have some of those friends who aren't exactly on the right path...scratch that, I have quite a few friends like that. Frankly, I get discouraged when I think of them. Not so much discouraged perhaps...more like sad.

But God has a mysterious way of working through us as Christians - working through us and working in us. He stirred the previously calm waters of my life at the same time that he stirred that girl's. He brought us together through friend problems, life problems, school problems. And look what is the result of that. A friendship that will last forever. More importantly: A friendship based on Christ.

Being real is a day-to-day choice. It is so much more than merely being earnest and nodding your head. It is changing your previous way of life and molding it into a new pattern. It is deciding to stop agreeing with everything everyone says. It is acknowledging differences in people and learning to appreciate them. It is understanding who you yourself really are - and commiting to BEING that person, regardless of the company you're in. It is striving to rise above this world and grant your heart into His hands and allow Him to keep it.

This next year will be a journey. A journey to discover who I am - and to become REAL. I don't know where this decision will lead me, but I know that God wants me to go to school next year. I have been praying since square one with this whole thing - and God has given me, not a sense of dread, but a sense of hope. He gave me no red flags. He has given my parents no red flags. He has given those praying for me no red flags.

Will this whole school thing work out? Who knows? It might, it might not. But God is behind this decision. It is going to be a step of faith to walk into the school that first day - as a very young freshman, at least a year younger than even the youngest freshmen. Signing the school paper was a step of faith. Even consenting to think about this was a step of faith.

But I think my life has been continual steps of faith - every step I have taken, every time I have trusted in God, every time I have depended on Him to carry me through, every single time: I have grown. I have become a better person, step by step. Little hops of vulnerability, long leaps of trust without reserve - these things have shaped me. They have defined me.

I am in tears right now. This post has been healing for me to write. I don't feel empty now - I feel ready. Ready to begin the journey with an unknown ending. Ready to let go of the things that hold me down. Ready to sever those strings that pull me back from Jesus. Ready to become REAL.

"You have to be sad sometimes, otherwise you forget what it's like to be happy."

Who can understand how God works? He knows all things, sees all things - His ways are perfect, flawless, and whatever He makes happen, happens for a reason.

Yet sometimes He is just so confusing. I know I can't ever comprehend Him - and He created me, He knows what is best for me.

I have been going through a lot - mostly all spiritual stuff. Relapsing into that valley of deadness again. Is there any end to this vicious cycle? Dead. Renewed. Dead. Renewed. Dead. Renewed. Over and over and over.

I've been talking with a few of my best friends a lot recently. A lot of them are going through so much trouble, and so much pain. When they thought their life was getting better, it took a terrible twist and both were left in shock. Wave after wave of bad things happened to them.

My friend said this to me one day:

Bekah, I want to go back to when getting high was on the swing and your biggest worry was what outfit to wear in the morning.

Those young days, four or five years old, eight or nine even. Filled with simple trust, innocent perspective, no cares in the world. If only we could regain that simple trust, that innocence. If only we could shake that anxiety.

I know so many friends who have said to me the exact same thing, different phrasing, but same core. "I want to go back, Bekah. I want to go back."

Jesus said the children would lead us, and I never truly understood until now. I look at my younger siblings and ache for what they have.

And I believe I can regain this simple trust, this innocent perspective. I believe I can shake this constant anxiety. How?

Prayer.

My friend had so much going on, much more than I did. She said to me she couldn't ever imagine how her life could possibly get any worse. Then she texts me one morning. She said she had spent almost two hours last night, praying. Praying her heart and soul out. Crying, yes. Feeling angry at God, yes. But praying to Him, pleading with Him to renew her, to change her life in a radical way.

And when she got to school that day? Her two dear friends who had turned their backs on her, who had gossiped about her, who had made up ugly lies about her and spread them everywhere, who swore at her, who blocked her on Facebook, who insulted her and then completely ignored her - they talked to her today. Saying their sorry, and wanting to still be friends.

My friend is still really hurt by what they did to her, but she gave them a second chance. She was willing to redo their friendship. To start over. Completely start over. She is my best friend and I can learn so much from her. God put her in my life for a big reason: to help me grow, to help me accept past mistakes, to help me become a better person.

But what happened to my friend at school that day: PRAYER did that. Letting God in on the daily struggles, in on those friends that are being cruel - He will HEAL it. He granted my friend forgiveness and willingness to give her friends a second chance. Shutting Him out solves nothing.

Pray. That is the only advice that I have for those many friends that run to me when their life is ruined. Pray. Pray. Pray. The power of prayer is beyond our comprehension. Prayer works in many ways, some unseen and some seen. Prayer gives us strength to continue on, gives us God's heart and God's ways.

God has blessed me in so many ways. I just have to say that. My dear friend wrote me this card. I would post a picture of it, but it's on my phone. In it she said, among other things, "If you live to be a 100, I will want to live to be a 100 and 1 day so I will never have to live without you." My other dear friend wrote this to me: "You listen to me and try to explain stuff to me, even when you hardly know what to do yourself, and like even when I dont know what to do, and we are like in the exact some place in life, you always help me and say "yeah, I know," or "I love you" and you just help me alot, and help me make right decisions." I am seriously SO blessed by my friends. By my family.

Who can look at this and say they're not blessed?

Appreciating the LITTLE Things:: "Oh this? This is my Sansa!" :: a cute video

My younger sister Ab has this Sansa. It seems to be a theme with the younger girls...a few of my friends have younger sisters with Sansas. A Sansa is a cheap really cheap music player. It has like one GB of storage, so it's not good at all.

But you know what? She is in love with it.

There is an iPod touch and an iPod nano in the house. Yet she is perfectly content with her Sansa!

Again...I have so much to learn! As I'm writing this, I'm overwhelmed by how much I can take this and apply it to my life. It's all persepective, you know. You could look at having a Sansa as opposed to an iTouch like this: "Why does he get an iTouch? And I am stuck with this stupid thing?!"

OR. You could look at it this way: "For a long time, I didn't have any music player. A Sansa isn't the greatest, granted, buuut. It's something."

That goes for everything. Life is so much easier if I take a step back and re-adjust my perspective. Having a good attitude makes it easier on me and on those around me.

Soooo many times have I had to check myself and change my attitude. I never realized how whiny I can sound until I took the time to listen to the words as they came out of my mouth. I never realized how crushing a simple remark can make until I took the time to notice what impact my words had on others. I never realized how ungrateful I can sound until I took the time to step back and re-adjust my outlook on things.

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe. Hebrew 12:28

Ungratefulness is a BIG issue. Paul (or whoever wrote Hebrews - thats a controversial subject) was aware that people were struggling with it two thousand some years ago! And that sure hasn't changed since...You know, we're sponsering a child. And Eugene has nothing. It helps a lot to remember a personal name when trying to change my ungratefulness to thankfulness. "I'm complaining about what we have to eat - Eugene doesn't HAVE anything to eat!" That helps more than, "I hate what we have to eat. But people in Africa dont have anything to eat." It helps a lot if you sponser a child.

And once again, Ab is teaching me so much. She is begging Momma and Daddy to let us sponser another child! She said she is willing to give up her allowance in order to sponser another child. Wow. She once gave fifty dollars of her own money to buy Christmas gifts for Eugene.

I will leave you with this cute video.

And about my health issues: I'm going this morning to the doctor again to do ONE more blood-draw. To check my hemoglobin, just to be safe. Only one more blood-draw. Again, I LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you so much for all your SWEET comments! Okay. With that over, I leave you again with this adorable video. :-)

Oh, and ignore the "related vidoes" that pop up after the video is over...I have no idea who they are from and what about. Watch at your risk.

Simplicity :: How we make life SO complicated...

I slept over at Jenna's house a few nights ago. It was insane - like all sleepovers with your best friend are. :-)

She brought me to church the next morning, and afterwards, her daddy and my daddy tried to coordinate the exchange of my sleepover stuff. Her daddy got in his car with my stuff, my daddy got in his car on the other side of the parking lot, and it took literally twenty minutes for them to finally pull over by each other and exchange the stuff.

It was hilarious because this simple task took so long to execute. It could have taken five minutes, but instead it took twenty.

And it's like...sometimes, I wonder how much harder I'm making it on myself with life in general. Where I could have simplicity, I have complications. Stress, worry, anxiety - all these things are NOT of God. God is peace...

I walk up the stairs, and I'm literally exhuasted. My lungs are stinging, my knees feel like they are made of burning jelly, and I'm breathing as hard as I am after running three miles. That's what happens when I WALK up the stairs. Not run, but WALK.

As of three weeks ago, I could run three miles in 25 minutes (which isn't so great, but, you know, whatever). Now? I can't run up one flight of STEPS much less run three miles! I'm so...so...WEAK. It's like all I can do is sit at my desk and twiddle my thumbs.

Yesterday, it was pretty nice out, and my mom, Peter and I were doing a project outside. Afterwards, Peter snatched a squirt gun and began chasing after me with it. I ran for ten seconds, max, away from him. I was so out of breath that it was impossible for me to keep running. I pretty much just collapsed on the pavement and lay for about five minutes, gasping.

Ten seconds of running did that to me.

I don't know what's happening to me. For the last seven days or so, I have been able to do nothing of physical strain. I feel like a parasite or something, just sitting around, reading, writing, blogging, designing, taking pictures, texting. I used to run two or three times a week, and two or three miles at a time. I lifted weights, did stretches, went golfing, played soccer, did work projects outside - and now, what am I doing? Sitting around, doing nothing.

This whole thing...however blatant this may seem, I am FREAKED.

I had my blood tested a few weeks ago, if you remember, and we heard back from the doctor. My blood is apparently normal, but this intense exhaustion didn't start until a few days after the appointment. So we're going again in a few hours to get my blood tested again (nooo...more needles .__.).

What's happening with my blood is that, well, let's just call it anemia. It's where my body doesn't have enough healthy red blood cells, which account for "fatigue" (one of the main symptoms) and low iron in the blood, which can cause the body to be sick. That's what the doctor suggested, but that was before she tested my blood, so I'm not exactly sure what I have.

It's really just...making my life a lot more complicated. I'm anxious, discouraged, and it's a lot harder for me to laugh and just really enjoy life. It's making me crabby and down all the time...please just pray for me.

I may not be able to run, or exercise vigorously, for a few more weeks...but I just need to look on the brighter side of things. It'll give me more time for these things...

I just need to give all of this anxiety about this to Him...He can carry it a lot better than I can. Prayer would still be really appreciated...I'll keep you posted if we hear anything more. Meanwhile...I'll go help clean up the furnace room (our septic is clogged). Yuck.

"Each man's life touches so many other lives..."

It's just been one of those days - a mish-mash day. (Try saying "mish-mash" five times fast ^_^) Some parts good, some parts bad, some parts in between.

Take sitting out in the sun for a few hours over lunch as an example. Now that's good. Really good.

Take watching It's A Wonderful Life with popcorn. Now that's good too.

It's A Wonderful Life is one of those "feel-good" movies. It's not exactly tense, or action-filled, but leaves you with this warm fuzzy feeling inside your stomach. Like this one line that Clarence (the angel) said...

Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?

You know...you ever get that feeling that you don't matter? That no-one appreciates you?

The truth is...

You MATTER.

To your family, to your friends - but especially to God. You MATTER to Him.

God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son so that whoever believes in Him may not be lost, but have eternal life. John 3:16

He LOVES you, and He wants to know you, and He appreciates you more than you could ever know...Ahh. That's a kind of security that I couldn't do without. :-)

Like a Pair of Broken Headphones

I have this pair of headphones. They're not expensive headphones, they're not insanely comfortable headphones--but they're nice and squishy and have a noise-blocking setting that I use a lot.

Anyways, I was carelessly wrapping them up to put them away when I accidently tore the left ear-phone cushion out. I have done it before, and it's easy to fix it--but I didn't take the time. I said, Oh, I can fix it later. I'm too busy right now.

They lay there on my desk, in their pitiful broken state, and when I had to use them, I tried to ignore the discomfort because I didn't want to have to fix them.

And honestly, that's what my life has been like recently. My life is like that pair of headphones--broken, laying around, useless and uncomfortable.

The last few months have been dry months. Dead months. Silent months. I pushed God into the back of my mind, and replaced Him with school and friends.

In the mornings, I would leave my Bible sitting in its corner, and would pull out my journal instead. I would pray--but would I really pray? No. I would pray about shallow things--things that didn't really matter. I didn't really pray. I didn't really give God the time that He deserved.

I went through the past few months of my life without God: working hard at school, socializing with friends, journaling, blog designing, going to church, saying the right things, listening to the right music--even managing to pray and leave God out of it!

Honestly, I was scared of surrending my life to God.

I have tried to completely commit my life to Jesus many times in the past few years. Sometimes it's just a verse that I come upon.  I break down and say "God, I can't do this anymore--please help me." But then I fall back into old habits, old sins, old mind-sets. Other times, it's just a resolution late at night--and then I break promises and I banish God from my mind.

Somehow, I thought that if I said, "I'm going to commit my life to Jesus now," enough times, I would truly commit my life to Him.

But anything that I say, or that I do, or that I think--it won't turn my life around.

It has to be Him.

I don't know how to describe my life--except by saying dry. And dead. My feeble attempts at surrendering finally collapsed.

I would take two steps from the side-lines to the field, only to become frightened of what other people thought of me or what they wouldn't think of me and I careened back to pretending.

And I was sick of doing that. I could feel myself falling back, hesitating, pulling away. And I hated that.

So I stopped. I stopped pretending. I stopped hesitating.

I did commit--but to the wrong thing--I commited to ignoring God. I pulled away for good--or so I thought. I was sick of God and how He seemingly messed up my life and then took off.

Everything went wrong. I tried to immerse myself in friends, only to find myself ruining the best relationship I had. I tried to focus primarily on school, only to become more and more stressed and lose more and more sleep. I tried to act happy and carefree, only to realize that other people were noticing how different I acted and asking if they could pray for me.

Life is a wreck without God. I've tried to live without Him for the last few months--and they were the worst of my life. Dry. Dead. Silent.

That's what comes from trying to do everything on my own.

And the worst part was: I couldn't talk to anybody about it because I was scared of what they would think. Would they judge me because I "hated" God and didn't want anything to do with Him? Would they try and pray for me?--because that's what I hated the most: someone praying for me when I told myself I didn't need it.

Then Ab posts, and it seemed like God was trying to speak to me. I kind of acknowledged how wonderful the post was, and then moved on with my broken life. I wished that that could be me--that I could do what she did and completely surrender. But I thought, It never will be me.

Then Hannah and Marissa post, both of them opening their heart and sharing their journey and how their relationship with God needs to become something better.

God truly urged me to join with them, dancing on that field, becoming one with Him.

I'm sick of how I was living: independent, and because of that, sad and lonely. I can't live without Him. That's just the truth.

I regret those months living apart. Those months could have been beautiful, but because I chose to divide myself from Christ, they were so cold. Cold. Dry. Dead. Silent.

I fixed my headphones. And you know what? It took five minutes to fix them. Five minutes.

I chose a week of discomfort over five minutes of effort.

And again, this mirrors my life. I chose months of loneliness and deadness over talking with God and renewing myself in His word.

What did it take for God to wake me up? Just three blogs and a pair of broken headphones.

Brokenness--The Road to God

Brokenness.

I love the word--there is something beautifully sad about it.

The dictionary defines it as meaning:

reduced to fragments; fragmented; incomplete

In other words, when you are broken you need something. You're "incomplete."

I have been pondering these things lately--I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head, it's hard to intrepret them into comprehensive words and phrases.

God has made many promises. He is a God of promises. Everywhere I look in the Bible there are promises being made.

He promised the Israelites a land for their own. He promised Abraham a son. He promised Noah that He would never flood the earth again. He promised Solomon everything a king could ever want.

Every single one of these promises, God has kept. The Israelites got their own land. Abraham got a son--though he screwed up along the way with the whole Hagar thing. Noah suffered from the flood--he had to stay for forty nights on a boat with a whole bunch of animals. But God promised that that would never happen again--and it hasn't. Solomon was the grandest king in history--just like God said he would be.

God is a God of promises--and every promise that He makes, He will keep.

I am anxious all the time. I have trouble sleeping at night because my heart and mind cannot settle down.

My anxiety is ironic to me, because God promises peace to His followers--but never once have I had consistent peace.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

But God promises peace.

And doesn't God keep His promises?

As I was thinking about this, it occured to me that perhaps I should stop wishing God would give me peace, but believe He has.

What if God has peace for me, but I have been refusing to accept it?

God promises peace. God promises rest. God promises love.

If we don't have these things, it means we don't believe that we can have these things.

Faith is the key to everything.

I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20

How does this all tie back to brokenness?

Just as faith results in peace, brokenness results in God.

Every long lost dream lead me to where You are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into Your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That lead me straight to You
selah, "bless the broken road"

I have felt the emptiness that comes from trying to live apart from God.

I have felt it. I know it.

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around  
o.a.r, "shattered"

I also know the love, the joy, the completeness that is in God's arms.

You are Love, you are Life
You’re the air that I breathe, you’re my day and my night
You’re my Joy, you’re my Peace
You’re the wings for my flight and vision to my sight
You are Truth, you are Power
Gave me faith to believe, brought me straight to my knees
Now I’m standing here in this moment with you
There’s nowhere I’d rather be
beckah shae, "here in this moment"

There is pain. There is brokenness. I know both.

But God breathes life into our brokenness--and we are new.

 The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
superchick, "beauty from pain"

Brokenness is the road to God.

When we are at our worst, God finds us.

We are complete in Him.

He will personally come and pick you up, and set you firmly in place, and make you stronger than ever. 1 Peter 5:10

For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels won’t and all the powers of hell itself cannot keep God’s love away. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, or where we are—high above the sky or in the deepest ocean—nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ when he died for us. Romans 8:38

He personally carried the load of our sins in his own body when he died on the cross so that we can be finished with sin and live a good life from now on. For his wounds have healed ours! 1 Peter 2:24

Note: I thought about peace and brokenness and wrote this post down in a notebook several weeks ago. I haven't had trouble sleeping ever since.

Pretty Much The Best

I have to say, honestly, that I have the best friends in the world. I love every single one of them to death--but there are those very special friends that mean the world to you, you know? That are even specialler than the best friends?

I have a few of those. Any of them can be called my sisters. Jenna, Jordyn, Haylz--any of them.

But there is one in particular that is my closest friend--soul-mate, bestie, sister, twins seperated at birth, whatever you want to call her.

Meet Hannah.

I went over to her house today from 2 to 5:30 (thanks, Daddy, for being an hour and a half late to pick me up!! :) and it was a blast.

We see each other a lot during scheduled activities, but we don't have get-togethers (hate the term "play-dates") very often. Hardly ever have time just with me and her--but when we do, those times absolutely define the word fun.

There's something about the word fun--it sounds like what it means. It sounds like a time of happiness and joy; it is carefree and innocent; it is beneficial and intimate; it is a time of hearing secrets and telling them.

It is impossible for me to hang out with Hannah without realizing further what the word fun means--because Hannah and everything associated with her is fun.

She is pretty much impossible to describe, however sappy that may sound.

Today we talked and took pictures, we laughed so hard we snorted, we sang songs so loud siblings complained and we made/looked at graphics.

It was incredible.

I am amazed at how similar Hannah and I are--we complete each other's sentences, form the same opinions, talk in unison all the time, and seem to know exactly what each other is thinking.

God gave me so many friends, and I am thankful so much for them. I cannot imagine how different I would be without them. They have helped shape me forever, and I am completely in their debt.

Friends are amazing.

Hannah is amazing.

God is amazing.

I am so blessed.

Hannah and I.

Flying Free

(I will post lots of pictures soon that will chronicle my retreat better then words can. But for now, my musings. [and Jordyn, you gotta send the piccies to me!])

I have so many expectations in life. I have most of my future planned out. I have decided that I will major in English or Photography and that I will pursue careers as an author and photographer. I hope that I will get married and have kids--preferably three daughters and four sons.

I honestly have everything planned out.

I can be spontaneous, but I would rather have everything set out and planned.

So that I can anticipate what is going to happen.

So that I can set expectations and count on them to be fulfilled.

I have memorized the book of James, and while I was mulling this despicable trait of mine over, this verse popped into my head.

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 1:14-15

God has been telling me that this constant planning and re-planning is not good and not right. Ever. Because by trying to plan out what will happen, I am not showing trust in Him. I am showing that I do not trust that God knows what is best for my life and that I must be the one to take control of it.

I'm not saying that planning for the years ahead is bad. I think it's good if you have an idea of where your life will go, an idea of who you want to grow up to be so that you have some long-term goals to work towards. But my planning became more than just dreaming. It became anxiety and distrust and a whole bunch of other icky stuff that destroys relationships and self-esteem.

While I was on my retreat, I caught myself "planning" (i.e. worrying about it, trying to think ahead of what I would do with so-and-so, how insanely amazing it was going to be, etc. etc.). I "planned" that I would do this if someone did this, that I would talk such-and-such amount to so-and-so person, that I would make so-and-so friends and have such-and-such fun.

I had very high expectations for the retreat. Very very high.

Even though it was incredible, some parts of it failed most miserably to reach my expectations. Some things went wrong.

Instead of focusing afterwards on the good things that happened during the retreat, I found myself grumbling about the things that didn't happen.

I walked away from that retreat feeling empty instead of content.

And that is not okay.

There was a time in my life when I was really lost. I strayed completely from the path of righteousness and I lost all sense of direction. God no longer sparked the flash anymore, and the Bible became a dead mass of words that held no meaning.

Those days were the worst of my life. But with God's help, my feet found the path once more. Once again, I began trodding along the way of the Lord.

Looking back on those days, I am glad that God put me through it. I walked away from it with a renewed faith in God and an overwhelming awareness of the extent and completeness of God's grace.

God stripped away my plans completely, and let me lean with all my soul on Him.

Those days were hard.

Very hard.

But the beauty in my life now is a result of coming through the dark days. After I emerged from the pitch-black tunnel, the pure daylight seemed brighter than ever.

Right now, I desire so many things. I want this and this, and I seem to never be content. I'm anxious because I want something to be given back to me, and I worry about it. I grow disgruntled about it.

I can't seem to just let it go.

God kept telling me to let it go, but I held tighter and tighter.

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

-Tenth Avenue North, "Let It Go."

The truth is, I couldn't let this thing go.

Until now.

If I am to let go of my tendancy to hold onto things, if I am to let go of my nature of continual "planning," then I must let this thing go.

I must let it go, and be free of it.

My retreat was fantastic. It is a weekend that I will look back on with fondness and amazement.

I made memories that I will never forget.

I colored a Mickey Mouse valentine. I played Diaper Wars. I talked on a bananaphone with my best friend. I sleep-talked/sleep-walked and freaked all my friends out. I learned to snowboard. I hung out with all my best friends.

Despite all this, I did walk away from the retreat feeling sad and depressed because everything did not go exactly as planned.

But that feeling is gone now.

That emptiness was a result of my setting "plans" instead of letting God take control.

The darkest part of my life was a result of me trying to anticipate things and spending my time trying to keep up a perfect image. I almost lost God because of that--I almost lost me.

The unhappiness that I have felt lately was a result of me trying to take events that God carefully planned, and trying to twist them to fit my circumstances. I tried to defy God.

God's telling me to let everything go. I need to fall utterly and completely in love with Him again.

I'm letting go of the chains that are wrapped so tightly around me--have been ever since I can remember.

He's setting me free.

Finally, I feel like I could fly.

When I am depending upon the wings of God, I can rise above my petty culture. I can rise above my catty, competitive and exclusive nature. I can rise above the sins and dark puddles of this world.

With God, I know that I can fly free of Satan and the havoc that he and his minions have caused.

I can let go.

I can rise above.

I am free.

Waiting For Something Beautiful

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

Waiting.

I honestly hate that word.

Waiting means being patient.

Waiting means having trust.

Waiting means having self-control.

All three of these things are extremely difficult to obtain--especially being patient. I have little or no patience. I want what I want when I want it--not a minute too late.

Yet waiting is an inevitable part of life. Obviously, everyone learns from a young age that no-one gets what they want when they want it.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1

What if I'm waiting for Something beautiful?

What if I'm waiting for God's touch on my life?

What if I'm waiting for a sign that He's working in and through me?

This is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful
-Needtobreathe, "Something Beautiful"

I can't help but feeling...slighted. I have been waiting so long for a sign, for a visitation, for a miracle, for something, something that would chase away my doubts of God's reality.

In the midst of agonizing in self-pity and despair that I would never free myself of my nagging doubts, I realized that I was limiting God.

I was limiting Him.

Then the devil took Jesus to the holy city and had Him stand on the highest point of the temple. "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written:

" 'He will command His angels concerning You,

and they will lift You up in their hands,

so that You will not strike Your foot against a stone.'"

Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"

Matthew 4:5-7

I was limiting God, making Him a little box inside my head.

I was changing Something Beautiful into something ordinary and distant.

But if we must keep trusting God for something that hasn’t happened yet, it teaches us to wait patiently and confidently. Romans 8:25

I had enough arrogance to think that God was not listening, that He wasn't thinking.

Me.

I cannot even begin to comprehend His plans.

And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans. Romans 8:28

God is speaking.

Am I listening?

If God is on our side, who can ever be against us? Romans 8:31

"Backing Down"? Don't Think So...

...at least, not with this as my inspiration. ;)

I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms
It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last...

I'm awake, I'm alive,
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
Here, right now!
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive...

I'm at war with the world 'cause I
Ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what, I can't be bought or sold
When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again...

I'm awake, I'm alive,
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
Here, right now!
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive...

Bridge:
Waking up Waking up, Waking up Waking up
Waking up Waking up, Waking up Waking up
In the dark, I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you!

I'm awake, I'm alive,
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
Here, right now!
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive...

          awake and alive by skillet

Skillet isn't normally my inspiration band--more like my "turn it up sing it loud wake me up" band. While this song is a "turn it up sing it loud wake me up" song, it's also a "turn it up listen to words be moved" song.

Take a look at these words again:

I'll stand my ground and never back down.

I'm not going to build a Bible study around a Skillet song (or will I? You never know! *winks*), but I needed the wake-up call. I have not been standing my ground in regard to what I believe in. Even in church, I don't comment when others swear profusely, make crude or cutting remarks, or act immodestly. I just kind of half-laugh while rolling my eyes--but I don't say anything.

I don't defend those who are getting beat up on. I don't reach out to the kid who is sitting alone.

After all, it's my reputation I'm trying to protect. A "cool", "popular" person wouldn't be defending and reaching out to the "un-cool," "un-popular" people. (I put those words in quotations because God doesn't believe in a "cool" or "un-cool" person...though, unfortunately, I do. But, believe me, that's gonna change.)

Nuh-uh. Not a good attitude.

One of the things I have been praying most hard about this week is that God would give me unconditional love. Love for everyone--not just my friends.

This trait is the one I love most about God--that, and his grace (after which I was named after... "Rebekah Grace," my full name). God has unconditional love: for the poor, for the broken, and for the "un-cool", as well as for the rich, for the righteous, and for the supposedly "cool". To truly be after His Spirit, I must strive after this unconditional love myself.

Anyways--just thought I'd share the lyrics and my thoughts with you. :)

Prayer--Potent, but Taken for Granted

I have been a Christian all my life. I have grown up (and am growing up) in a Christian household. I have Christian family, Christian relatives and Christian friends. I own two Bibles. I keep one on my bedstand and one in the living room. I read it every morning and every night. I pray every morning, every night, and before every meal. I participate in Bible time with my family. I have Bible verses and meaningful poems all over my walls. I have memorized Philippians and James, and countless other verses.

Sound like the perfect Christian?

In deeds, maybe. In spirit?

I used to think so. But lately...I'm not so sure.

Sunday morning was when I first realized that maybe I'm only following the letter of the law--but am avoiding the spirit of it all. My "Sunday-school teacher" (Hate that term, makes Sunday morning sound like school--which, in a way, it is...but in every way, it's not. Does that make sense?) explained how, in the Old Testament, there was a check-list, of sorts. The OT gave a list of strict rules: Don't murder. Don't commit adultery. Love your neighbor. It implied that if you followed these rules, you would go to heaven. Jesus says something else though: Yeah, I don't want you to murder, but don't even get angry. Don't commit adultery, but don't even have lust. Love your neighbor, true, but even love your enemy.

He rose the standard.

While I was listening to my awesome teacher, I realized that I really am not following the spirit of the law. I obviously haven't murdered anyone, I most definitely haven't commited adultery (obviously not married, but still), and how easy is it to love your friends? Super easy.

I have gotten angry--countless times. Haven't felt lust yet--but I'm only twelve. No idea how hard it gets later. And I dislike my "enemies"--strongly.

What else have I done completely wrong? I wondered.

Then Monday morning it hit me.

I realized that I took prayer for granted. I had unconsciously defined prayer as a way to get what I want, when I want...I took advantage of the fact that the most powerful being ever imaginable listened to me. Prayer changed from something sacred and real, to an Aladdin's lamp--I limited God, picturing him as a genie, of sorts. I began cluttering up my prayers with unnecessary wants and selfish desires. I prayed for certain things to happen to me; I prayed for certain people to stop bugging me; I prayed, I prayed, and I prayed...but for the completely wrong things.

So...I decided to pray four times per day, at scheduled times. Like the Jews do--but just for a week. And I resolved to keep the prayers off of my personal worldly needs--like sleepovers, belongings, etc.

It's been working great so far. I pray at nine o'clock, twelve o'clock, three o'clock and six o'clock. Instead of praying about worldly needs/wants, I pray that God would give me the inner qualities spoken of in 1 Corinthians 13, in Philipians, in James, in the Beautitudes.

I'm not exactly sure why I love the scheduled prayer type of thing...maybe it's because I feel like, in the middle of whatever I'm doing, God is willing to listen to me.

He is willing to listen to my prayers. He is willing to answer them.

He is ready to forgive my past carelessness.

Don't we have an amazing God?

Nostalgic

Nostalgic⋅a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

You ever get like that? When you just wish you could go back to so-and-so time?

I was struck with this feeling today, as I was looking back. I was reading my very first diary, when I was nine years old. My biggest problems in those days were forgetting to make my bed and getting in "trouble" because of it, or going a week without seeing my best friend. My nine-year-old self, preserved in the pages of that diary, is so different from my twelve-almost-thirteen-year-old self. It's only been three years, and yet I have changed so much. My problems then were so different from my problems now.

This change is normal, I suppose--growing up. But it's hard. I am going through doors which are slamming behind me--I can't go back. My childish innocence is gone. Gone are the days when I believed fairies were real, and spent my time trying to find one. Gone are the days when I tucked my dolls into bed at night, then ran back to peek into the room to see if they were moving. Gone are the days when I blindly believed the world was full of goodness and love. Gone are the days when I trusted without reservation in God, before worldly doubts started creeping in.

Doors slammed shut. I can't re-open them.

As heart-wrenching as these losses have been, God has been telling me it's okay. Last night, as I was feeling especially nostalgic, I opened my Bible, and my eyes caught on this verse.

"When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." 1 Corinthinas 13:11

And I realized that I had lost things. I had lost innocence. But I gained maturity. Doubts crept in, but along with them, determination to root them out.

Some days, I still doubt God. I forget to let Him be the highest priority in my life. I forget to trust Him without reservation. It's human nature; I can't completely erase these doubts.

But I can fight them. I can fight them with His Word. I can fight them with prayer.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. Pslam 13:5

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:4

The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light. John 12:36

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

May God fill you with trust in Him today. May He draw near to you. May He draw near to me. May He dispel our doubts, our worries, our anxieties. May He fill you with joy. May He fill you with love. For He loves you.

Come near to God and he will come near to you. James 4:8

Meniria

But her voice echoed in the empty room, and she realized she was not angry at Endlie, Asdom, or even Imandr. She was angry at herself.

Throughout Midnight, my Main Character, Meniria, is discontented with herself. She is an elf on Earth, so she can never be normal. But when she is taken back to her own homeland, and deals with all the tragedies and climaxes that occur there, she does not forget her inner turmoil. She struggles to accept herself for who she is, and even though, through all the wars and strife that occurs, she doesn't forget her hatred of herself. (Until the end, that is)

I based her slightly off myself. Her basic struggles are my basic struggles. I constantly find myself comparing myself to other people, asking myself questions, Am I fat? Am I ugly? Am I weird?

1 Peter 3: 3-4: Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

What counts is what is inside, not what is outward. Whatever is outward may fade, but the beauty of a "gentle and quiet spirit" is "unfading".

Another verse in 1 Peter (1 Peter 5:7, to be exact):

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I can be confident in my God, for in him, I am forever secure.