Confessions - Striving for the REAL.

Confessions. Confessions of what? Of things that I have left unspoken of, that I have left lie in the fathoms of my mind. Of things that I am going through, of things that I ache to write of but know I shouldn't. Is there an image I am trying to create throughout the Blogger world?

I'm not such a bubbly person, you know. Even when I wrote that "happy" post a few days ago...I wasn't all that happy. I was just trying to be happy - because I was desperate for happiness. When I clicked "Publish", it all crashed on me. I realized all at once that my blog is not an honest place. It's not a place of real-ness, of day-to-day struggles. It was a place for me to have an image - an image that is very unlike my self.

If I can't be REAL, why click over? Why take the time to read fakeness? If I can't share my life - in a REAL way, what is the point? Do I grow by writing fakeness? No. Do you grow by reading fakeness? No.

Being real means being vulnerable. Sharing what is most painful can never be easy. So I will be vulnerable today - I will share even when it means hurting.

Okay...

Well, as you probably know, I have been homeschooled all my life. I've been sheltered from the world, you could say. Ironically, the only time I am exposed to swearing and worse is at church. I have a large group of friends there. I'm not selective when it comes to friends. You want to be my friend? Go ahead. My church is like that too. They accept everyone for who they are. Which is super nice, but I have some weird friends. Some friends I don't hardly even like. Nevertheless, it is very easy for you to become one of my best friends. It's also kind of annoying to have a group of people following you around, especially when you just want to talk with two of your very best friends alone.

I had a best friend a long time ago. We did everything together. We told each other everything. You would never see one without the other. I saw her almost every day. Then one day, she decided she wanted to be best friends with another girl. She told this girl all my "secrets" (like I had any real ones at age ten) and passed everything I said on to this other girl.

You would think I would learn from this, wouldn't you? You would think that I would walk away from this overdramatic backstabbing between a few ten year olds, and I would remember it. Well, I didn't. And it's happened several times over again these last few years. And each time, I've just let it happen...I cried, sure. But what I really tried to do was forget, thus I didn't learn from my mistakes. I didn't guard my heart, my trust, my affection, though I should have, as I learned from these experiences.

I've been told that I'm too nice. That I care too much about what other people think, meaning that I will always try to make the other person feel better, even if that means lying. That I don't stand up for myself. That I let other people push me around, trample over me. That I'm impulsive.

I've also been told that I'm the best listener. That I laugh easily. That I carry conversation as naturally as I breathe. That I'm the most amazing person in the world, which I know is obviously not true. That I am sympathetic and feel deeply.

I guess I'm just a mixed bag. But why does this all bother me? Perhaps I should be asking why would this not bother me?

This fall, I'm going to public highschool. I don't understand crude jokes, I don't even know many swear words and I have next to no knowledge of mainstream artists. I only listen to Air1. I had no inkling as to who Beyonce is until a few months ago. One of my friends was literally gaping at me when I asked her who Beyonce is. "You don't know who Beyonce is? Do you live in a hole in the ground or something?"

Daddy told me once that I had to be careful who I made friends with at school. There's gotta be some pretty nasty people out there. But there has to be incredible people there too, right?

Life is a mixed bag. There are good things and there are bad things. People are a mixed bag. There are good people and there are bad people. Sometimes you can't tell if a person is a good person or a bad person unless you get to know them. I can usually tell, but sometimes I'm way off. I judge someone, and it turns out they're an amazing person. I accept someone, and it turns out they're not so amazing.

You know the saying, "One bad apple can spoil the lot"? When someone says that, they're not talking about apples. They're talking about people. They're saying one bad person can twist a good person.

I don't think that's true.

Yes, we need to be careful of who we hang out with, for the Bible says, "Bad company corrupts good character." But it works the other way around too, just as easily.

I had a friend, a long-time friend. Since fifth grade, I've known her and loved her. She had some issues, with life, with boys, with family, with God. God used to be something that went in one ear and went out the other for her. She swore, I didn't. She dated, I didn't. We didn't like any of the same things. And were very unlike each other. But still we remained friends.

In the last few months, I've noticed a change in this friend. She's searched for God - and she found Him recently. She stopped swearing and dating. She stopped zoning out during school and actually started focusing and trying to do better. She's told me her grades have improved. And I'm so happy.

My other friends say this change is because of my influence in her life. Perhaps. But it wasn't me. God was the one who connected us early on, God was the one who strengthened our friendship into something more. And God was the one who finally found His way into her heart and transformed her.

I proudly call this girl one of my besties.

I'm rambling now. But this whole situation with school next year, and how I have some of those friends who aren't exactly on the right path...scratch that, I have quite a few friends like that. Frankly, I get discouraged when I think of them. Not so much discouraged perhaps...more like sad.

But God has a mysterious way of working through us as Christians - working through us and working in us. He stirred the previously calm waters of my life at the same time that he stirred that girl's. He brought us together through friend problems, life problems, school problems. And look what is the result of that. A friendship that will last forever. More importantly: A friendship based on Christ.

Being real is a day-to-day choice. It is so much more than merely being earnest and nodding your head. It is changing your previous way of life and molding it into a new pattern. It is deciding to stop agreeing with everything everyone says. It is acknowledging differences in people and learning to appreciate them. It is understanding who you yourself really are - and commiting to BEING that person, regardless of the company you're in. It is striving to rise above this world and grant your heart into His hands and allow Him to keep it.

This next year will be a journey. A journey to discover who I am - and to become REAL. I don't know where this decision will lead me, but I know that God wants me to go to school next year. I have been praying since square one with this whole thing - and God has given me, not a sense of dread, but a sense of hope. He gave me no red flags. He has given my parents no red flags. He has given those praying for me no red flags.

Will this whole school thing work out? Who knows? It might, it might not. But God is behind this decision. It is going to be a step of faith to walk into the school that first day - as a very young freshman, at least a year younger than even the youngest freshmen. Signing the school paper was a step of faith. Even consenting to think about this was a step of faith.

But I think my life has been continual steps of faith - every step I have taken, every time I have trusted in God, every time I have depended on Him to carry me through, every single time: I have grown. I have become a better person, step by step. Little hops of vulnerability, long leaps of trust without reserve - these things have shaped me. They have defined me.

I am in tears right now. This post has been healing for me to write. I don't feel empty now - I feel ready. Ready to begin the journey with an unknown ending. Ready to let go of the things that hold me down. Ready to sever those strings that pull me back from Jesus. Ready to become REAL.