my life be like, ooh ahh.

To give you a break from all those morose posts I've been writing lately, I'm writing a post when I'm happy. So, enjoy, because the mood's not gonna last long. :)

I love school.

Before you start clapping with joy, let me explain. I love school, as in honors chemistry, AP english, AP geography. I love school, as in the subjects, as in learning.

I already have my whole life mapped out. Of course, I went those stages in my life where I was thoroughly convinced that I was gonna be a famous actress, then a singer, then a painter, then a photographer...you know all those dreams that we become rapidly fixated on and then discard just as quickly. But underneath these passing fads, I've always clung to Teacher as an occupation, and its becoming clearer and clearer that this is what I want to do.

If I do PSEO after sophomore year (which I am going to do), which would be when I was freshman age (15), then I would graduate college at 19, get my Masters in English at 21, and then phD at 23 or 24 and then I could start teaching college immediately. When I think of this, I know this is what God wants me to do. Sure, I'd be teaching kids just a year or so younger than me...but when have I let age hinder me from anything I want to do? My friends have always been older than me. I honestly don't have a good friend who is younger or even the same age as me. And now I'm in classes with sixteen to eighteen year olds. Who cares? Age doesn't matter to me anymore.

I love learning more than anything...I know that sounds incredibly nerdy, but its true. I read Biochemistry textbooks in my spare time. And now I'm beginning to love public school as well. Like sincerely. Yeah, obviously there's stuff that's hard for me. Like waking up at 5:00 AM every morning. Like leaving my house every day at 6:30, and seeing my little siblings growing up and not being there at home to experience it. But that just makes me want to spend every spare second I have with them, and I never felt that way before. My family was always a nuisiance to me, or at least something I took for granted...and now all I want to do when I get home is spend time with them. That is a gift straight from God and it's healing relationships faster than I ever thought possible.

I know this has nothing to do with anything, but I think it fits into the whole theme of happiness. I lost 10 pounds in the last month! I've always been insecure about my weight, always wishing I was skinnier. Then about a month ago, I went to the blood doctor for some tests, and they weighed me on their big official scale. 133 pounds. When I'm only 5'6". I freaked...133 lbs to me is overweight, or at least chubby. (I'm definitely not saying that if you weigh 133 that you are overweight.) So I got down to work. I cut about half of my daily intake of calories, and I started exercising obsessively. Sometimes I would only eat three eggs, carrots, and salad all day. For lunch, instead of bringing a whole bagel peanut butter sandwhich, energy bar, granola bar, apples, fruit snacks and raisans, I brought two hard boiled eggs and carrot. My friends tease me about those eggs, but I eat two every day for lunch, and thats it. I'm very proud of myself, I've kept up that diet almost all this month. For breakfast, I have some form of egg, usually a fried one with a little bit of salt. For dinner, I like salad, sometimes a soup or a small serving of pasta. I usually eat some sort of green with dinner, like broccoli. I am down to 123 pounds...and still dropping! I've started speed and strength with my friends after school and I'm starting track soon. I feel incredible. (:

Sorry this was a short post. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of posting regularly. Not promising anything, but I'll try. I'm off to running. (:

Until later,

Bekah

PS. Got asked to the winter formal! (:

You Can't Define My Worth

I'm not the shoes I wear, I'm not the clothes I buy
I'm not the house I live in, I'm not the car I drive
I'm not the job I work, You can't define my worth
By nothing on God's green earth, my identity is found in Christ.

Everything in this world is upside down. The things that should not matter, suddenly occupy my every moment. And the things that do matter, are cast aside, are left behind, are subconsciously shoved into a dark corner of my mind and forgotten. It's a new year, but nothing seems to have changed. Nothing is different, but everything is different. I changed...and I've been entombed in this new Bekah for so long that I can't go back to the old Bekah. Nothing has changed, but everything has changed. Nothing is different, but everything is different.

Identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self destruct.

Writing used to be, quite literally, my life...I would live in the worlds I created, I would breathe the air that I produced, I would act the characters that flowed from my fingertips. How can something that used to be everything to you suddenly mean nothing to you? I try to write, but I've lost it. I've lost the way with words that I used to have. I wrote two pages yesterday, forced myself to write them, forced myself to pretend the way things used to be.

They wont like me if I ain't in them J's or them brand new Nikes,
Lets dig deeper inside my pysche
When it's all said and done even I don't like me

When things are going my way, I'm happy. When I go shopping, when I have a good day at school, when I'm hanging out with a friend, I am happy. But my mood goes up and down, up and down, constantly in flux, never steady. The little things matter the most to me. I get more upset over the fact that I didnt get to see a friend than the fact that day by day I am spending less and less time with my siblings....Everything is backwards, upside down. I'm lost, I've fallen down the rabbit hole and am in a strange world in which I know nothing about. Without my Jesus, nothing makes sense, nothing gives me joy, I am constantly preoccupied with chasing dust bunnies while my soul is crying out for something more...something deeper. Some people might be content with following the wind, but I long for somewhere I can call home. Life seems so meaningless, I need Jesus, I need hope that this is not all there is.

Got her hair done, toes and nails
Is that Her? well it's hard to tell
Cause she's so caked up in so much make up
It's like she's tryna make up for what she ain't.

Silver jeans, a Guess sweater, Ugg boots, Charlotte Russe earrings, all those things are nice, but they cannot be my identity. I AM NOT THE CLOTHES I BUY. These things are so trivial, so unimportant! So why are they my life?? Why do I spend so much money and energy and thought on clothes, on appearence, on my hair, on my friends?

How do I gauge success, why do I say I'm blessed?
Is it the car that I drive or the place that I rest or the way that I dress?

Dear Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for how childish I have been. Forgive me for how much time I have wasted, forgive me for how I have ignored you. Worshiping you is the only reason I am on this earth, and yet I have let everything distract me, pull me away from the purpose of life. I want to be a part of your kingdom, I want to be yours...FOREVER.

To live is Christ yeah that's Paul I recall
To die is gain so for Christ we give it all
He's the treasure you'll never find in the mall
Your money your singleness marriage talent and time
They were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is Divine
That's why it's Christ in my rhymes
That's why it's Christ all the time
My whole world is built around him He's the life in my lines,
I refuse to waste my life
He's too true ta chase that ice.
all quotes by lecrae, "identity" and "dont waste your life"

I don't want to be a part of something I don't believe in. I don't want to do the same old every day...I want to be real, deep, new. God, I'm so sorry for taking this long to realize that.

thanks for messing up my mind

whats wrong with the world, mama? -black eyed peas

What do you do when people around you twist everything you say into a cruel or wrong or bad joke?

"The bottom of this stupid pizza is crunchy"

My "friends" turned that into something they laughed about for ages.

What do you do when people talk about stuff that shouldnt be talked about and they do it as casually as if they were discussing what they are gonna have for lunch?

What do you do when your "friend" tells you she french-kissed her boyfriend over the weekend, when you havent even held hands with a boy?

What do you do when you show up at school wearing a scoop-necked t-shirt and then you see all the other girls parading around in short skirts and strapless tops?

What do you do when you realize the people that hang around you are not good people and they are bad influences? (I ignored them over lunch and ate with a different group of friends. They swore at me afterwards. Its uncomfortable to have someone hate you, did you know that?)

What do you do when you get so fed up with the crap around you that you want to throw something or bash someones teeth in?

Do you, can you, throw something or bash someones teeth in?

Of course not.

So what do you do?

Hide it behind a grin, a forced laugh?

Isnt this supposed to be getting easier, God?

Because news flash...it isnt.

a silent scream

Its funny how one place can feel like a second home, and another place not so different from the first place can feel so foreign.

Its funny how easily people judge other people not so different from themselves.

Its funny how someone's day can be going great and then a single comment can completely ruin it.

Its funny how thoughtless people can be.

Its funny how fast words can pour out of a persons mouth when they're not thinking about what they're saying.

Its funny how condescending people can act towards someone just a few years younger than them.

Its funny how words - mere verbal syllables - can wound someone so acutely, how sounds can cut deeper than a knife.

Its funny how someone can be so repulsed by someone else's behavior, but act that way themselves.

Its funny how everyone tries so hard to be like everyone else.

Its funny how cruel people can be to other people different from them.

Its funny how a person can be so incredibly nice but has no friends because people judge him because of his weight.

Its funny how I can write that sentence but still feel almost ashamed walking with him through the hallways.

Its funny how people talk to someone, laugh with her, maybe even flirt with her - but completely back off when they find out she's two years younger than them.

But its funny how some people couldnt care less if that someone was thirteen or fifteen.

Its funny how vital appearence is

Its funny how someone can live in a world and not understand any of it.

Its funny how someone is forced to go from extreme shelterdness to extreme exposure and is expected to thrive.

Its funny how someone can go their whole life without hearing a swear word and then grow accostomed to hearing curses as a casual part of conversation.

Its funny how empty someone can feel.

I dont understand. I go to school and I sit in classes and walk through hallways and get taught things by teachers, and I notice things. I write them down. I study them like I study chemistry. And after two and a half weeks I have more questions than I have had my whole life.

This has nothing of substance in relation to this post. But sometimes people write things out of pure emotion even if it doesnt make sense, and thats what I'm about to do right now. I apologize.

I've mentioned before how much I hate chemistry. Not the subject. The class.

Well today a boy walked up to me and looked at my worksheet and saw my name printed on the top.

Rebekah Shaffer.

He said to the girl beside him, "what if you changed the 'a' to an 'i'? Rebekah Sh*tter." The people around him cracked up.

And I turned around and I'm like, "It's Rebekah Shaffer." He and his friends are almost in tears because they were laughing so hard.

And he goes, "Aren't those ts?"

And I say, "Fs." And he goes, "Oh well they look like t's. Cya, Rebekah Sh*tter." And they all laugh again and walk back to their seats.

That hurt. It hurt that they called me that, but it hurt more that they were laughing so hard at me. I have a lot of pride. I felt so angry. Yes, call me sensitive. but I get bothered by this stuff. That experience put a pain in my chest that hasnt gone away yet.

And the little things people say hurt too. When someone calls you a b*tch cuz you accidently bump into them, that hurts. When people refer to you as as "you" because nobody knows who you are, that bothers me too.

You know what I cannot stand?

People treating me like I'm a child.

Yes, I may be three years younger than you, but you do NOT have to treat me like I go to elementary school and sharpen crayons all day.

And you know what, jerk? I may be three or four or maybe even five years younger than you. But YOU'RE the one who got a C- on the chemistry test. And you know what I got? An A.

I'm NOT stupid.

I dont understand. Any of this crap.

Help?

I have to say...God pulls through.

Yes. That's me. Still smiling. After two weeks of public school.

It didnt kill me, did it? In fact...I like it.

Scratch that.

I love it.

I love seeing my friends every day. (you read that right. I have friends!) I love the shiny halls. I love laughing so hard I can't breathe during lunch. I love the teachers. I love my classmates.  

Well, most of them. I hate chemistry. I'm in classes with people sixteen, seventeen, even eighteen years old and most of them are cool about it. But the honors chemistry students? Not so cool with it.

First day, second period. Honors Chem. I walked in, and knew I would be in trouble. It got out in the class that I was thirteen and technically in eighth grade. The whole class interrogated me about why I was there. Literally, they asked, "Why the h*** are you here?!"

Nice choice of words, classmates-o-mine.

Anyways. They haven't forgotten it. I can feel them watching me during quizzes and lectures. We correct quizzes by giving them to our partners to check. I know that my partner shares my quiz scores with everyone in the class afterwards.

Because they're all so intent on watching the thirteen-year-old eighth grader.

I feel the pressure. I cried yesterday after school. I cried today. I will cry tomorrow.

But the truth is, I love it. But its hard. I hate the pressure. I hate feeling like everyone is watching me. I hate that all the juniors and seniors know about me and my "smartness". (by the way. I'm not smart.)

Just today on the bus, I was hanging with my bud Brian and I met a whole bunch of his friends, one of who was in my AP English class. He asked me, "Bekah, you're a new junior?"

I hated to say the words that came out of my mouth next, but I couldnt lie. "No, I'm a freshman."

He swore. Not surprisingly.

But what he said next stuck out at me- "Wow, thanks for making me feel stupid."

I wish that I could be his age, so that I wouldnt cause that kind of feeling in people. Because who likes to hang around someone who makes you feel stupid?

But the rest of my classes I love. I love the people in my Algebra II class. Oleg, Jessica, Natalie, Shae. Love, love, love. Funniest teacher ever. Geometry. Not so much. They're all older and think they're so cool cuz they can add numbers in their head. AP English. Amazing. Tons of amazing people. Epic teacher. AP Geography. Ehh. Not bad. World History Reading with Mr. Haropat = funn (: .

I wrote this down for the sake of rememberance...I remember how scared I was. I remember how terrible the first day was. I remember how many hard days I had.

But it's only gotta get easier from here. Thank God.

Doesn't mean I'm not gonna have hard days, and I'm gonna cry some more...but for now. I need sleep. (:

be brave? ehhh.

Ever done something you dont want to do? No seriously...I'm not talking about doing the dishes when you want to hang with a friend. I'm talking about something a little bigger. Even having a sleepover with a friend you don't really like, and listening to her when you just want her to leave. That counts.

How about a new school? How about skipping a grade? How about starting a new highschool as a young freshman and enrolling in classes with juniors and seniors? Does that sound fun? Does that sound enjoyable? Hmm?

No? Yeah. It doesnt sound fun to me either.

Huge school. Tons of kids - over three hundred in the ninth grade. All of them know each other. I'm dead serious.

I dont have a ton to say right now. I overthink everything, therefore I'm extremely nervous.

Its so much easier to stay within your comfort zone then do something hard. But I feel like God wants me to do this. He has been giving me little signs, little pushes. Homeschooling has nothing for me anymore. It might be the right way for some people. But I'm tired of the shelter, I need the real world in order to be real. I'm not saying homeschooling isn't the real world. But it definitely isn't a realistic world. Its too good.

So...you are just sitting there reading this, maybe feeling a little sympathy. Maybe. But I'm sitting here writing this and feeling a lot of fear. So yeah. We'll see how this goes.

Confessions - Striving for the REAL.

Confessions. Confessions of what? Of things that I have left unspoken of, that I have left lie in the fathoms of my mind. Of things that I am going through, of things that I ache to write of but know I shouldn't. Is there an image I am trying to create throughout the Blogger world?

I'm not such a bubbly person, you know. Even when I wrote that "happy" post a few days ago...I wasn't all that happy. I was just trying to be happy - because I was desperate for happiness. When I clicked "Publish", it all crashed on me. I realized all at once that my blog is not an honest place. It's not a place of real-ness, of day-to-day struggles. It was a place for me to have an image - an image that is very unlike my self.

If I can't be REAL, why click over? Why take the time to read fakeness? If I can't share my life - in a REAL way, what is the point? Do I grow by writing fakeness? No. Do you grow by reading fakeness? No.

Being real means being vulnerable. Sharing what is most painful can never be easy. So I will be vulnerable today - I will share even when it means hurting.

Okay...

Well, as you probably know, I have been homeschooled all my life. I've been sheltered from the world, you could say. Ironically, the only time I am exposed to swearing and worse is at church. I have a large group of friends there. I'm not selective when it comes to friends. You want to be my friend? Go ahead. My church is like that too. They accept everyone for who they are. Which is super nice, but I have some weird friends. Some friends I don't hardly even like. Nevertheless, it is very easy for you to become one of my best friends. It's also kind of annoying to have a group of people following you around, especially when you just want to talk with two of your very best friends alone.

I had a best friend a long time ago. We did everything together. We told each other everything. You would never see one without the other. I saw her almost every day. Then one day, she decided she wanted to be best friends with another girl. She told this girl all my "secrets" (like I had any real ones at age ten) and passed everything I said on to this other girl.

You would think I would learn from this, wouldn't you? You would think that I would walk away from this overdramatic backstabbing between a few ten year olds, and I would remember it. Well, I didn't. And it's happened several times over again these last few years. And each time, I've just let it happen...I cried, sure. But what I really tried to do was forget, thus I didn't learn from my mistakes. I didn't guard my heart, my trust, my affection, though I should have, as I learned from these experiences.

I've been told that I'm too nice. That I care too much about what other people think, meaning that I will always try to make the other person feel better, even if that means lying. That I don't stand up for myself. That I let other people push me around, trample over me. That I'm impulsive.

I've also been told that I'm the best listener. That I laugh easily. That I carry conversation as naturally as I breathe. That I'm the most amazing person in the world, which I know is obviously not true. That I am sympathetic and feel deeply.

I guess I'm just a mixed bag. But why does this all bother me? Perhaps I should be asking why would this not bother me?

This fall, I'm going to public highschool. I don't understand crude jokes, I don't even know many swear words and I have next to no knowledge of mainstream artists. I only listen to Air1. I had no inkling as to who Beyonce is until a few months ago. One of my friends was literally gaping at me when I asked her who Beyonce is. "You don't know who Beyonce is? Do you live in a hole in the ground or something?"

Daddy told me once that I had to be careful who I made friends with at school. There's gotta be some pretty nasty people out there. But there has to be incredible people there too, right?

Life is a mixed bag. There are good things and there are bad things. People are a mixed bag. There are good people and there are bad people. Sometimes you can't tell if a person is a good person or a bad person unless you get to know them. I can usually tell, but sometimes I'm way off. I judge someone, and it turns out they're an amazing person. I accept someone, and it turns out they're not so amazing.

You know the saying, "One bad apple can spoil the lot"? When someone says that, they're not talking about apples. They're talking about people. They're saying one bad person can twist a good person.

I don't think that's true.

Yes, we need to be careful of who we hang out with, for the Bible says, "Bad company corrupts good character." But it works the other way around too, just as easily.

I had a friend, a long-time friend. Since fifth grade, I've known her and loved her. She had some issues, with life, with boys, with family, with God. God used to be something that went in one ear and went out the other for her. She swore, I didn't. She dated, I didn't. We didn't like any of the same things. And were very unlike each other. But still we remained friends.

In the last few months, I've noticed a change in this friend. She's searched for God - and she found Him recently. She stopped swearing and dating. She stopped zoning out during school and actually started focusing and trying to do better. She's told me her grades have improved. And I'm so happy.

My other friends say this change is because of my influence in her life. Perhaps. But it wasn't me. God was the one who connected us early on, God was the one who strengthened our friendship into something more. And God was the one who finally found His way into her heart and transformed her.

I proudly call this girl one of my besties.

I'm rambling now. But this whole situation with school next year, and how I have some of those friends who aren't exactly on the right path...scratch that, I have quite a few friends like that. Frankly, I get discouraged when I think of them. Not so much discouraged perhaps...more like sad.

But God has a mysterious way of working through us as Christians - working through us and working in us. He stirred the previously calm waters of my life at the same time that he stirred that girl's. He brought us together through friend problems, life problems, school problems. And look what is the result of that. A friendship that will last forever. More importantly: A friendship based on Christ.

Being real is a day-to-day choice. It is so much more than merely being earnest and nodding your head. It is changing your previous way of life and molding it into a new pattern. It is deciding to stop agreeing with everything everyone says. It is acknowledging differences in people and learning to appreciate them. It is understanding who you yourself really are - and commiting to BEING that person, regardless of the company you're in. It is striving to rise above this world and grant your heart into His hands and allow Him to keep it.

This next year will be a journey. A journey to discover who I am - and to become REAL. I don't know where this decision will lead me, but I know that God wants me to go to school next year. I have been praying since square one with this whole thing - and God has given me, not a sense of dread, but a sense of hope. He gave me no red flags. He has given my parents no red flags. He has given those praying for me no red flags.

Will this whole school thing work out? Who knows? It might, it might not. But God is behind this decision. It is going to be a step of faith to walk into the school that first day - as a very young freshman, at least a year younger than even the youngest freshmen. Signing the school paper was a step of faith. Even consenting to think about this was a step of faith.

But I think my life has been continual steps of faith - every step I have taken, every time I have trusted in God, every time I have depended on Him to carry me through, every single time: I have grown. I have become a better person, step by step. Little hops of vulnerability, long leaps of trust without reserve - these things have shaped me. They have defined me.

I am in tears right now. This post has been healing for me to write. I don't feel empty now - I feel ready. Ready to begin the journey with an unknown ending. Ready to let go of the things that hold me down. Ready to sever those strings that pull me back from Jesus. Ready to become REAL.

Today...

...I had one of my good friends Joy come over for the whole afternoon, and it was pretty awesome. We ate lunch, then went golfing, then came back and played chess (it was very violent, I'll just say that :D...well not really, but we would never say "knock off" we would always say "kill" so my mom was like "wow the chess game sounds really violent" and of course when we'd "kill" each other's pieces we'd like throw them across the room :D), then made hilarious movies (man we made this one movie and it was hilarious we were literally laughing our heads off when we watched it afterwards...Joy's hopefully going to send it to me, and she's asking her mom if I can post it up here...we were dying from laughing so hard, after the movie, duh :D). We also wore these sunglasses (mine were HUGE, Joy's not so bad) out in overcast weather and waved at golfers, and then pulled each other around in this wagon. We tipped over multiple times, but nobody got hurt. Then Peter and Abby came out and we pulled them around for a good forty-five minutes. It looked like we had run a marathon or something we were sweating so hard. Then my mom drove her home, and then I went with my dad and sibs to Nike to get soccer gear, then had an ice-cream cone at Burger King then came back home.
Pretty awesome day.
So how are you guys feeling about school starting in like two weeks? I'm pretty excited (Side Note: I'm homeschooled)...like summer's incredible at first, but then by the end, I'm just kind of ready for a change. Most of my excitement is coming from the fact that I'm going to do this writing class with some kids I know (including my brother) and I've heard a LOT of good things about it, so I'm really really excited...and this amazing co-op that I go too every two weeks in the school year. We're doing self defense, gym, art, and court...I think that's all, so yeah it's going to be even more awesome then the writing class :D And I'm taking a lot of online classes too, so yeah; I'm going to be busy, and this year is going to be exhausting, but awesome. :D I've got awesome friends at co-op, and there's going to be a new gal named Hayley, so I'm SO excited to meet her.

Later,