It will be called the Way of Holiness

I laugh.

I am surrounded by friends always. I have a group that follow me everywhere. When I walk in, I am smothered in hugs and "guess what?"s.

I'm never alone.

Life looks good for me.

But at night, my ghosts still haunt me - my memories still dog my every step.

Youth group Wednesday. All my beautiful friends. I went out to eat with my best friend, her mentor, and my mentor before youth group. Applebees was delish, not to mention very fun.

Later in the evening, me and my friends head outside after a large-group talk. We have a choice to do floor hockey or sidewalk chalk, and we all end up doing chalk, but slack off and talk instead. As my friend says something funny, and I start laughing, a young eighth-grader who wasn't new but never made any friends walks by with a piece of chalk in her hand. She looks at me, and then her eyes wander over my group of friends who were all sitting with me.

And my smile fades, because I see this deep longing in her eyes for what I have.

Friends.

Someone to talk to through the hour and a half at church which can seem so very long when alone. Someone to laugh with and someone that will say goodbye to her when she has to leave. Someone to listen to her when she has a bad day and cry with her when she needs it. Someone to tease her because that's what friends do.

I have had that blessing of friends all my life. I have no recollection of ever sitting alone, of ever feeling on the outside; because I never have been on the outside. I've always been in the center. At church, in sports, in my neighborhood. I've always had many people that hug me bye when I leave and run up to me when I come in.

I knew what the girl wanted. I knew that it would have made her whole entire week if I had just walked away from my friends and said hi to her.

But you know what I did?

I looked away. I didn't do anything, except ignore her until she walked away. I purposefully let her know that she's unwanted and that she doesn't belong with my friends.

When she finally walked away, I felt something rush up in me. For once, the friends that surrounded me sickened me. I hated them for dulling my sense of awareness. Because they've loved me unconditionally, I can never relate to the girl on the outside, because that's never been me. It just hasn't been.

Then I realized how stupid I was to be angry at my friends. It's my fault that I never reach out. That I stay in my comfort zone and shrug "who cares about that girl? This is about me and appearing invulnerable."

This girl is going on the mission trip with my church that I am going on with several of my friends. We had a meeting about the trip last Sunday. We were supposed to share why we wanted to go on the trip. You know what the girl said?

"I'm going on the mission trip because I want to make friends."

That struck me hard. She wants to make friends. That's all she wants. She just wants one friend that will be there for her.

Next Wednesday, I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to walk up to her and introduce myself. I'm not going to lie: she doesn't look like the funnest person to be around, she looks like a young child and kind of annoying. But I am not going to let that control whether or not I talk to her. She is probably a wonderful girl, ignored because of her physical appearence. I have seen her walk around alone all year, but I pushed away the thought of reaching out because I didn't want her to be my friend.

She needs a friend. That's a need that is very important for her, and I can fill that need. Why did I hesitate all year?

Because I had an image that I needed to keep up, and having her be my friend would destroy the image. I wouldn't look cool hanging out with her, because she doesn't look like a cool person typically looks like. All my other friends are cool. Why should I want a non-cool friend?

The root of this is image. I worry too much about what other people think. It hurts to acknowledge that. It hurts to realize that. But it's true. It's so true.

This will be the first small step of reaching out. It will be the first stone taken out of the wall that I have built around myself. It will be the first risk I take. I pray it won't be the last.

Isaiah 35

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God. 

Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;


Say to those with fearful hearts,
"Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you."


Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.


The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.


And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it. 

No lion will be there,
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,


And the ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

"You have to be sad sometimes, otherwise you forget what it's like to be happy."

Who can understand how God works? He knows all things, sees all things - His ways are perfect, flawless, and whatever He makes happen, happens for a reason.

Yet sometimes He is just so confusing. I know I can't ever comprehend Him - and He created me, He knows what is best for me.

I have been going through a lot - mostly all spiritual stuff. Relapsing into that valley of deadness again. Is there any end to this vicious cycle? Dead. Renewed. Dead. Renewed. Dead. Renewed. Over and over and over.

I've been talking with a few of my best friends a lot recently. A lot of them are going through so much trouble, and so much pain. When they thought their life was getting better, it took a terrible twist and both were left in shock. Wave after wave of bad things happened to them.

My friend said this to me one day:

Bekah, I want to go back to when getting high was on the swing and your biggest worry was what outfit to wear in the morning.

Those young days, four or five years old, eight or nine even. Filled with simple trust, innocent perspective, no cares in the world. If only we could regain that simple trust, that innocence. If only we could shake that anxiety.

I know so many friends who have said to me the exact same thing, different phrasing, but same core. "I want to go back, Bekah. I want to go back."

Jesus said the children would lead us, and I never truly understood until now. I look at my younger siblings and ache for what they have.

And I believe I can regain this simple trust, this innocent perspective. I believe I can shake this constant anxiety. How?

Prayer.

My friend had so much going on, much more than I did. She said to me she couldn't ever imagine how her life could possibly get any worse. Then she texts me one morning. She said she had spent almost two hours last night, praying. Praying her heart and soul out. Crying, yes. Feeling angry at God, yes. But praying to Him, pleading with Him to renew her, to change her life in a radical way.

And when she got to school that day? Her two dear friends who had turned their backs on her, who had gossiped about her, who had made up ugly lies about her and spread them everywhere, who swore at her, who blocked her on Facebook, who insulted her and then completely ignored her - they talked to her today. Saying their sorry, and wanting to still be friends.

My friend is still really hurt by what they did to her, but she gave them a second chance. She was willing to redo their friendship. To start over. Completely start over. She is my best friend and I can learn so much from her. God put her in my life for a big reason: to help me grow, to help me accept past mistakes, to help me become a better person.

But what happened to my friend at school that day: PRAYER did that. Letting God in on the daily struggles, in on those friends that are being cruel - He will HEAL it. He granted my friend forgiveness and willingness to give her friends a second chance. Shutting Him out solves nothing.

Pray. That is the only advice that I have for those many friends that run to me when their life is ruined. Pray. Pray. Pray. The power of prayer is beyond our comprehension. Prayer works in many ways, some unseen and some seen. Prayer gives us strength to continue on, gives us God's heart and God's ways.

God has blessed me in so many ways. I just have to say that. My dear friend wrote me this card. I would post a picture of it, but it's on my phone. In it she said, among other things, "If you live to be a 100, I will want to live to be a 100 and 1 day so I will never have to live without you." My other dear friend wrote this to me: "You listen to me and try to explain stuff to me, even when you hardly know what to do yourself, and like even when I dont know what to do, and we are like in the exact some place in life, you always help me and say "yeah, I know," or "I love you" and you just help me alot, and help me make right decisions." I am seriously SO blessed by my friends. By my family.

Who can look at this and say they're not blessed?

Pretty Much The Best

I have to say, honestly, that I have the best friends in the world. I love every single one of them to death--but there are those very special friends that mean the world to you, you know? That are even specialler than the best friends?

I have a few of those. Any of them can be called my sisters. Jenna, Jordyn, Haylz--any of them.

But there is one in particular that is my closest friend--soul-mate, bestie, sister, twins seperated at birth, whatever you want to call her.

Meet Hannah.

I went over to her house today from 2 to 5:30 (thanks, Daddy, for being an hour and a half late to pick me up!! :) and it was a blast.

We see each other a lot during scheduled activities, but we don't have get-togethers (hate the term "play-dates") very often. Hardly ever have time just with me and her--but when we do, those times absolutely define the word fun.

There's something about the word fun--it sounds like what it means. It sounds like a time of happiness and joy; it is carefree and innocent; it is beneficial and intimate; it is a time of hearing secrets and telling them.

It is impossible for me to hang out with Hannah without realizing further what the word fun means--because Hannah and everything associated with her is fun.

She is pretty much impossible to describe, however sappy that may sound.

Today we talked and took pictures, we laughed so hard we snorted, we sang songs so loud siblings complained and we made/looked at graphics.

It was incredible.

I am amazed at how similar Hannah and I are--we complete each other's sentences, form the same opinions, talk in unison all the time, and seem to know exactly what each other is thinking.

God gave me so many friends, and I am thankful so much for them. I cannot imagine how different I would be without them. They have helped shape me forever, and I am completely in their debt.

Friends are amazing.

Hannah is amazing.

God is amazing.

I am so blessed.

Hannah and I.

Bye!

Later today I'm leaving with my family for a cabin with our friends. I'll be back on Sunday, sometime.
See you all later!

Cabin!!

I just got back from an awesome weekend spent with friends.

At the last second (I didn't know about it until Friday) we decided to accept our family-friends' invitation to hang out with them at their cabin for Saturday-Sunday, and drove up Saturday morning. It was a hour-and-a-half drive to their cabin, and it wasn't that long compared to driving to camp (six hours). The whole weekend was spent fishing, tubing, making s'mores, swimming, water skiing, playing with the dog, sleeping in a tent, and just generally having a blast.

Kelly and Roger are the Mom and Dad, and they have three kids: Ryan, who is like 12, just three or four months older than me, Katie, who is a few months younger than me, and Erin, who is like seven.

Katie and I were playing Uno and B.S. (the most addicting game in the world) the whole entire weekend. We would just sit sipping root beer while playing cards practically the whole time. We also had spitting contests where we would spit the black seeds of our watermelon and have contests to see who could spit the furthest...and Katie always won :D

Tubing was SO much fun. I LOVE tubing :D

Saturday night I was standing on the dock in my swimming suit with my towel wrapped around me, watching Roger water skii. Katie, Joshua, Peter (my two brothers), and Ryan were also watching Roger. Josh walks over to me and says, "Can I have your towel for a second?" and I was like, "uh...okay..." and he takes it and drops it on the dock. I began, "What-?" but Josh grabs me and tosses me off the dock, and...yeah. Threw me into the water. Everyone was laughing... :D

Anyway, it was a lot of fun. Yeah, and of course I got sunburnt, but it was a lot of fun.

Camping

We went camping with two of our family-friends last night, in our backyard. It was awesome.

We had s'mores and root-beer floats, told stories, sang songs, played soccer at midnight in the dark, and...yeah, just had a total blast.

In the morning we had waffles and played Mafia over and over again. And listened to music and threw our flip-flops all over the place and trying to trick each other out of the sun-tanning chairs. :D

My shoulders are completely burnt; yesterday I was reading This Present Darkness on my deck, and I fell asleep, and I was wearing this tank-top, and when I woke up, my neck and shoulders were completely burnt. And my arms and legs were tan, on the verge of being burnt, and my face was a lot tanner then it normally is. *smack head against palm* Now I have this tank-top tan...there are two strips of white and a scoop neck on my shoulders/neck and then brown. It looks like I'm wearing a white tank-top, like when I'm in a swimming suit and stuff. *groan*

Anway, I had a lemonade stand with my neighbor and younger sister Abby (click HERE to go to her blog) in which we sold lemonade (duh), popcorn and candy. We made *count fingers* sixteen bucks, which was pretty good. :D it was fun.

I have to go eat,

Thanks for reading,

Unexpected Post...and the REAL good bye! :D

Alright one last award and one last post before I leave early tomorrow morning for camp...



The Font Freak Award. This is for any Font Freak (I know there's some out there...I, for one, am DEFINITELY a Font Freak. My friends quiz me a lot, hoping to stump me, pointing to a random font and asking which one that is, and all the time I at least have a GUESS. And then when I get it right, they moan, "I NEVER want to hear about fonts again!!" :D). If you are a Font Freak, at least in your mind, you may have this award :D.

Alright. This is the REAL good bye. *waves goodbye* Goodbye, all my wonderful blog friends!! I'll be back in *count fingers* 13 days. Again, I would love prayer. :D

Blessings, and many fond farewells (do I sound like Biblo and his "Farewell Speech"? :D),