"You have to be sad sometimes, otherwise you forget what it's like to be happy."

Who can understand how God works? He knows all things, sees all things - His ways are perfect, flawless, and whatever He makes happen, happens for a reason.

Yet sometimes He is just so confusing. I know I can't ever comprehend Him - and He created me, He knows what is best for me.

I have been going through a lot - mostly all spiritual stuff. Relapsing into that valley of deadness again. Is there any end to this vicious cycle? Dead. Renewed. Dead. Renewed. Dead. Renewed. Over and over and over.

I've been talking with a few of my best friends a lot recently. A lot of them are going through so much trouble, and so much pain. When they thought their life was getting better, it took a terrible twist and both were left in shock. Wave after wave of bad things happened to them.

My friend said this to me one day:

Bekah, I want to go back to when getting high was on the swing and your biggest worry was what outfit to wear in the morning.

Those young days, four or five years old, eight or nine even. Filled with simple trust, innocent perspective, no cares in the world. If only we could regain that simple trust, that innocence. If only we could shake that anxiety.

I know so many friends who have said to me the exact same thing, different phrasing, but same core. "I want to go back, Bekah. I want to go back."

Jesus said the children would lead us, and I never truly understood until now. I look at my younger siblings and ache for what they have.

And I believe I can regain this simple trust, this innocent perspective. I believe I can shake this constant anxiety. How?

Prayer.

My friend had so much going on, much more than I did. She said to me she couldn't ever imagine how her life could possibly get any worse. Then she texts me one morning. She said she had spent almost two hours last night, praying. Praying her heart and soul out. Crying, yes. Feeling angry at God, yes. But praying to Him, pleading with Him to renew her, to change her life in a radical way.

And when she got to school that day? Her two dear friends who had turned their backs on her, who had gossiped about her, who had made up ugly lies about her and spread them everywhere, who swore at her, who blocked her on Facebook, who insulted her and then completely ignored her - they talked to her today. Saying their sorry, and wanting to still be friends.

My friend is still really hurt by what they did to her, but she gave them a second chance. She was willing to redo their friendship. To start over. Completely start over. She is my best friend and I can learn so much from her. God put her in my life for a big reason: to help me grow, to help me accept past mistakes, to help me become a better person.

But what happened to my friend at school that day: PRAYER did that. Letting God in on the daily struggles, in on those friends that are being cruel - He will HEAL it. He granted my friend forgiveness and willingness to give her friends a second chance. Shutting Him out solves nothing.

Pray. That is the only advice that I have for those many friends that run to me when their life is ruined. Pray. Pray. Pray. The power of prayer is beyond our comprehension. Prayer works in many ways, some unseen and some seen. Prayer gives us strength to continue on, gives us God's heart and God's ways.

God has blessed me in so many ways. I just have to say that. My dear friend wrote me this card. I would post a picture of it, but it's on my phone. In it she said, among other things, "If you live to be a 100, I will want to live to be a 100 and 1 day so I will never have to live without you." My other dear friend wrote this to me: "You listen to me and try to explain stuff to me, even when you hardly know what to do yourself, and like even when I dont know what to do, and we are like in the exact some place in life, you always help me and say "yeah, I know," or "I love you" and you just help me alot, and help me make right decisions." I am seriously SO blessed by my friends. By my family.

Who can look at this and say they're not blessed?

You know those little things....

....that take so much out of you? Those itty bitty things that shouldn't annoy the crud out of you but do?

Ahhh. My day has been filled with them, or rather, the past few weeks.

I've been having...well let's put it this way: I've been having some friend problems. I've always thought of my friends as incredible, flawless, amazing, etc. But the people who I always thought would be with me have been drifting away.

The little things they say, I say, they do, I do--they are like pin-pricks. The little things keep pricking, and pricking--constantly, some days more than others--and I honestly am going to scream from frustration. I can only take so many pin-pricks, you know?

And my friends are amazing. But we've been growing up, and our relationships have been changing as we are changing--the friendships which I thought I could depend upon forever are crumbling beneath my feet.

It started out with a simple question.

"Is everything okay?" Mom asked.

And the truth was, everything wasn't okay, and I was really hoping that she would ask that question so I could talk about it.

Those pin-pricks, they hurt. When a friend doesn't hug you good-bye, or makes an off-hand comment, or puts you down in front of other people, or laughs at your habits--that hurts. It really hurts. And I hate hiding my hurt, because it makes it worse.

I talked with my momma for about an hour, about all the things that have been accumulating between me and my friends for months. The little things she said, and she did: they uplifted me. They put me back together, and ameliorated my pain.

There are a lot of little things in life, and there are a lot of big things.

Some little things make you hurt, like when you get made fun of in front of everyone.

But some little things make you feel so good...

Like an email from your mom that makes your whole day:

I LOVE your new picture on your blog! It is so nice! I tried to comment, but still was lost……
Mom

Or a cute picture that you stumble upon that makes you start laughing even though it's not that funny...

These little things, they make life sweet. And I can't hold on to the little things that sting, they're just going to make me feel worse. I have to remember that hour-long talk, that email, that picture.

And that talk with my mom, made me realize:

It's not my friends that are truly important, it's my family.

You know what they say, after all....

Friends may come and go, but family is forever.

The Last Day

Kind of crazy to think that today is the last day of 2009, isn't it?

The change of the year brings a lot of new feelings: determination to fulfill my New-Year's Resolutions, excitement, and a bit of irritation because now I have to get used to writing 2010 on all of my papers and such.

While speaking of my New-Year's Resolutions, my family and I decided to go sugar-free (by sugar I mean sweets, desserts, that sort of thing; but also we're going to attempt to cut out most sugar from our diet, excluding natural and unavoidable sugar [such as the sugar in bread]) for the entire year of 2010. I'm kind of publicizing this fact in order to eliminate the possiblity of quitting after the first month. ^^

Christmas break has been so nice, hasn't it? My family and I have gone to two plays, eaten out several times, hung with extended family, watched movies; I've had numerous phone-calls with my friends, came up with two new plots (I wrote the sequel to the plot mentioned in the previous post, and am really excited to start writing), listened to the same songs over and over again, and relaxed. The thought of starting school next Monday is slightly scary, but as I'm having a sleepover with three of my dearest friends (Jenna, Hannah, and Jordyn), the excitement of that overrules the dread of school.

Happy New Year! :)

I Can't Believe...

...that NaNo starts in two days!!

I've seen several NaNoWriMo Survival Kits and decided to do one.

1. My Laptop. Thank goodness for it. Did I tell you that I love you, Araldar? ("Araldar" actually means "Evil One" in the language of one of my stories...hm...maybe "Araldar" isn't such a fantastic name for my laptop...)
2. My Notebooks. My main notebook is this tattered one that holds about five plots, random quotes, Bible verses, great books, and excerpts from my stories. I have several others, however; unfortunately, I am very unorganized, and, if I have a "brilliant" idea, I just grab the notebook that's nearest to me. Therefore, I have several notebooks and I have to search all of them to find something specific.
3. My Bible. I have it sitting on my desk so when I get "nano-drepression", I can just look up an inspiring verse.
4. Coffee/Tea/Chocolate. I will most definitely be drinking a LOT more decaf coffee and green tea this month. *grins* The occasional cup of hot chocolate, perhaps. And a LOT of chocolate from the stash my mom got specifically for Halloween, but whose leftovers may be used for more productive purposes. ^^
5. The Work-Out Machine. Working out is a stress-reliever for me, so that contraption will be getting a lot more use this month. ^^
6. Gmail. All my friends on gmail better get prepared for some venting. *laughs*
7. Hannah. Hannah, I'm going to call you a LOT, and most of the conversations are going to be complaining about how far behind I am. And yes, we can always bury names if we get depressed. :) (Inside joke...)
8. My Family. Definitely. Where would I be without them? *grins*
9. My Diary. Oh my word, almost all the entries from this time forth until the end of November will be freaking out about NaNo.
10. My Characters. There would be no story without my awesomely-cooperative characters. One of my main characters, Jole, agreed to die without so much as a soft shriek. And another, Arayna, resigned to being stuck in jail for twelve years. And, of course, my evil character, Imandr, is really a good person at heart, but is determined to impersonate a deliciously-evil character just for me. *sighs* But of course, it's my eminently main character that's being stubborn...she's refusing to let Jole and Arayna die, and says she doesn't need to listen to me. *rolls eyes*
11. Books. Insanely inspiring books.
12. Gimp. *grins* thank goodness for Gimp.
13. Music. Lots and lots of music. I have a song for every mood. ^^

AGH! I'm so excited!! :) On Sunday, I'm setting my alarm for around six, so I can get a few pages done before church. ^^

Since I'm only doing 20,000 words, once I achieve that goal, I'm going to keep pushing and hopefully get 50,000 words so I'm ready for full force NaNo next year.

Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to be doing a lot less eating/playing/hanging out and a LOT more writing/scribbling/screaming? :D

One last thing (Note: this is an edit): An AWESOME giveaway at the Elvish Maiden!! Go enter! :)