On and On and On

I always fall short. Always. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not pretty enough. My hair isn't blonde enough. My skin isn't tan enough. No matter how much I exercise, and how carefully I watch what I eat, I'm still not as skinny as so-and-so. No matter how much time I spend over my hair/makeup, I still look terrible next to this person. Even though I try to smile and laugh, I still won't appear as secure as this friend does. Regardless of how hard I try, I still won't come up on top. So-and-so will still be able to condescend to me.

On and on and on the cycle goes. Never ending. And I hate this. I tell myself that I need to be confident in who I am - and then five minutes later, I'm feeling that oh-so-familiar despair that I'll never measure up.

Before I knew what was happening, I began to let my Bible time in the morning slip. Instead, I spent that time straightening my hair, or sitting in the sun. I pushed away the urge to pray before I fell asleep each night, saying, "Later, I will. Right now I'm too tired." And yet I spent endless masses of time in angry comparison and discontent. I'm crabby and irritable: wasting so much time figuring out ways to appear perfect is tiring.

In spending so much time worrying over my outward appearence, I have allowed my inner being - the part that really matters - to deteriorate. And that cannot happen.

Take a building for example. Without strong inner structure, this building will not withstand anything. No matter how beautiful you make it look on the outside - even if you paint it white and give it beautiful windows and glorious landscaping - it is doomed. It will never be a safe building. And with people, that much more so. Without our inner structure, without strong faith, we also will crumble.

Today I will remember to thank God for the many blessings He has given me. Tomorrow, I will read my Bible and I will be overwhelmed by His goodness.

I will still find myself comparing myself to others once in a while. That's inevitable in this culture. But God made me unique, and in wishing I am different, I am degrading His creation. I may not be perfect, but God did not make any mistake when he knitted me together in my mother's womb.

Who I am is who I am...why try to change that?