Nostalgic

Nostalgic⋅a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

You ever get like that? When you just wish you could go back to so-and-so time?

I was struck with this feeling today, as I was looking back. I was reading my very first diary, when I was nine years old. My biggest problems in those days were forgetting to make my bed and getting in "trouble" because of it, or going a week without seeing my best friend. My nine-year-old self, preserved in the pages of that diary, is so different from my twelve-almost-thirteen-year-old self. It's only been three years, and yet I have changed so much. My problems then were so different from my problems now.

This change is normal, I suppose--growing up. But it's hard. I am going through doors which are slamming behind me--I can't go back. My childish innocence is gone. Gone are the days when I believed fairies were real, and spent my time trying to find one. Gone are the days when I tucked my dolls into bed at night, then ran back to peek into the room to see if they were moving. Gone are the days when I blindly believed the world was full of goodness and love. Gone are the days when I trusted without reservation in God, before worldly doubts started creeping in.

Doors slammed shut. I can't re-open them.

As heart-wrenching as these losses have been, God has been telling me it's okay. Last night, as I was feeling especially nostalgic, I opened my Bible, and my eyes caught on this verse.

"When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." 1 Corinthinas 13:11

And I realized that I had lost things. I had lost innocence. But I gained maturity. Doubts crept in, but along with them, determination to root them out.

Some days, I still doubt God. I forget to let Him be the highest priority in my life. I forget to trust Him without reservation. It's human nature; I can't completely erase these doubts.

But I can fight them. I can fight them with His Word. I can fight them with prayer.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. Pslam 13:5

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:4

The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light. John 12:36

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

May God fill you with trust in Him today. May He draw near to you. May He draw near to me. May He dispel our doubts, our worries, our anxieties. May He fill you with joy. May He fill you with love. For He loves you.

Come near to God and he will come near to you. James 4:8