perfect imperfections

It's so easy to make little excuses for little mistakes. It's so easy to say, "Hey, God, don't get on my case, I only said it one time," or "Hey, God, what would you have done in this situation? I'm pretty sure I acted like anyone else would have acted, I didn't do anything wrong," or "Hey, God, I yelled at Peter today cuz I was crabby, I don't usually act like that, give me a break."

It's so easy to let the devil get a foothold, as they say. It's so easy to conform without even knowing you're doing it. It's so easy to change unconsciously, to be like everyone else.

When I was homeschooled, I didn't know anything about "the outside world"; if you're homeschooled, that happens. When I entered public highschool, I learned rapidly what was cool and what wasn't.

I changed how I did my hair. I changed how I did my makeup. I changed the way I dressed and the way I walked. I changed the way I laughed and the way I wrote. I changed the radio station I listened to. I changed the books I read and the music I bought. I changed my ideas of what was acceptable and what was not. I changed the things I talked about. I changed the way I view myself. And the list goes on..

You want the gist of it? I changed myself. Bit by bit. It started with my music and ended with my morals and now I've lost myself.

I've been a Christian on the good days. I've prayed when I remembered to, but my prayers are dead and meaningless...just words. But I feel like I am a good girl. I dont swear, I dont date, I dont make dirty jokes, I dont skip school, I dont do drugs, I dont smoke, I dont drink. So on the outside, I am a good girl. I'm respectable.

And that's exactly where the problem is. Society TELLS us who we are, and we HAVE to live up to that expectation. I HAVE to be skinny. I HAVE to be pretty. I HAVE to be popular. I HAVE to be smart. I HAVE to be funny. I HAVE to be athletic. I HAVE to excel at EVERYTHING I do, otherwise I am a FAILURE. I have to be able to wear size two jeans, otherwise I am a BAD person. I have to wear the cutest clothes otherwise I am a BAD person. I have to have a million cool friends, otherwise I am a BAD person. I HAVE to make varsity, otherwise I SUCK at life.

I have to be PERFECT, otherwise I am WORTHLESS.

That is what society tells us, as young women. WE HAVE TO FIGHT THAT. That is NOT the truth, that is lies. We CANNOT believe what they tell us, because we are SO much more than that. We CANNOT let that lie define us. We MUST look beyond what is smothering us, and know that we are MEANT for a different world. We MUST know that this world full of lies and deceit and crap is NOT all there is. We must TRUST that there is more to life than the constant battle for perfection and fitting in.

JUST BECAUSE society thinks that it can TELL us who we are, that DOES NOT MEAN that we have to listen to it! Today, girls, lets STEP ABOVE that, lets REFUSE to re-mold ourselves to fit into the world's patterns BECAUSE GOD MADE US FOR A DIFFERENT WORLD.

If you weigh 150 or 110, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If your face is blemished or unblemished, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you have a ton of friends or not that many, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you struggle with school or you dont struggle with school, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you make everyone laugh or just a couple people, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you can run the mile in six minutes or fifteen, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

You DO NOT have to live up to the world's standards, because it will fade away, and YOU will be left standing in front of God, and NOTHING ELSE WILL MATTER. Those jeans you spent all your money on? GONE. All those friends you had? Gone. Does God care how much you weighed? Does He care if you made varsity or JV? Does He care if you were popular? Does he care if you were funny?

NO.

Everything that the world tells you matters, DOESNT. As young women, we have to IGNORE the pull of the world.

Because guess what?

This. World. LIES. It does not tell you the truth. God is the only truth, and I have to GIVE my life to Him, otherwise I wasted it.  I have to spend it GLORIFYING HIM, because He is the ONLY THING that matters.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. -Hebrews 12:1

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. John 15:19

The Loves of my Life

#1. Running.

I love running more than anything else right now. I love pulling on my spandex underarmour tights, squeezing into my compression shirts, wiggling my fingers into running gloves, covering my head with a nike knit cap, tying up the laces of my shoes, stretching the muscles of my legs until they cry for mercy, twisting around until the muscles of my entire upper body are loose; and then opening the door and stepping out into the frosty winter atmosphere, hearing the snow crunch beneath my feet as I take in a deep breath and feel the sharp air bite my lungs; and then setting off. The wind chaps my nose and lips until they bleed and after the first one or two miles I lose all feeling in my fingers and toes. My body, my mind and my soul get into a rhythm, a groove, and I don't pull out until every particle of my mental and physical body is so exhausted that continuing on is not an option.

After a hard day at school, there is nothing that makes me feel better than lacing up my faithful tennis shoes and going for a 6 mile run.

#2. Shontelle & The Script.

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you?♥

-the script

"T-shirt" - Shontelle.

"Breakeven (Falling to Pieces)" - The Script.

"Impossible" - Shontelle.

#3. Black and White.

Photography.♥

(why is this picture sideways?? I dont know how to fix it. )

(^^^^the picture above was taken around the holidays, when I still had that 15 extra pounds sitting on my torso.)

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

-Bekah

my life be like, ooh ahh.

To give you a break from all those morose posts I've been writing lately, I'm writing a post when I'm happy. So, enjoy, because the mood's not gonna last long. :)

I love school.

Before you start clapping with joy, let me explain. I love school, as in honors chemistry, AP english, AP geography. I love school, as in the subjects, as in learning.

I already have my whole life mapped out. Of course, I went those stages in my life where I was thoroughly convinced that I was gonna be a famous actress, then a singer, then a painter, then a photographer...you know all those dreams that we become rapidly fixated on and then discard just as quickly. But underneath these passing fads, I've always clung to Teacher as an occupation, and its becoming clearer and clearer that this is what I want to do.

If I do PSEO after sophomore year (which I am going to do), which would be when I was freshman age (15), then I would graduate college at 19, get my Masters in English at 21, and then phD at 23 or 24 and then I could start teaching college immediately. When I think of this, I know this is what God wants me to do. Sure, I'd be teaching kids just a year or so younger than me...but when have I let age hinder me from anything I want to do? My friends have always been older than me. I honestly don't have a good friend who is younger or even the same age as me. And now I'm in classes with sixteen to eighteen year olds. Who cares? Age doesn't matter to me anymore.

I love learning more than anything...I know that sounds incredibly nerdy, but its true. I read Biochemistry textbooks in my spare time. And now I'm beginning to love public school as well. Like sincerely. Yeah, obviously there's stuff that's hard for me. Like waking up at 5:00 AM every morning. Like leaving my house every day at 6:30, and seeing my little siblings growing up and not being there at home to experience it. But that just makes me want to spend every spare second I have with them, and I never felt that way before. My family was always a nuisiance to me, or at least something I took for granted...and now all I want to do when I get home is spend time with them. That is a gift straight from God and it's healing relationships faster than I ever thought possible.

I know this has nothing to do with anything, but I think it fits into the whole theme of happiness. I lost 10 pounds in the last month! I've always been insecure about my weight, always wishing I was skinnier. Then about a month ago, I went to the blood doctor for some tests, and they weighed me on their big official scale. 133 pounds. When I'm only 5'6". I freaked...133 lbs to me is overweight, or at least chubby. (I'm definitely not saying that if you weigh 133 that you are overweight.) So I got down to work. I cut about half of my daily intake of calories, and I started exercising obsessively. Sometimes I would only eat three eggs, carrots, and salad all day. For lunch, instead of bringing a whole bagel peanut butter sandwhich, energy bar, granola bar, apples, fruit snacks and raisans, I brought two hard boiled eggs and carrot. My friends tease me about those eggs, but I eat two every day for lunch, and thats it. I'm very proud of myself, I've kept up that diet almost all this month. For breakfast, I have some form of egg, usually a fried one with a little bit of salt. For dinner, I like salad, sometimes a soup or a small serving of pasta. I usually eat some sort of green with dinner, like broccoli. I am down to 123 pounds...and still dropping! I've started speed and strength with my friends after school and I'm starting track soon. I feel incredible. (:

Sorry this was a short post. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of posting regularly. Not promising anything, but I'll try. I'm off to running. (:

Until later,

Bekah

PS. Got asked to the winter formal! (:

You Can't Define My Worth

I'm not the shoes I wear, I'm not the clothes I buy
I'm not the house I live in, I'm not the car I drive
I'm not the job I work, You can't define my worth
By nothing on God's green earth, my identity is found in Christ.

Everything in this world is upside down. The things that should not matter, suddenly occupy my every moment. And the things that do matter, are cast aside, are left behind, are subconsciously shoved into a dark corner of my mind and forgotten. It's a new year, but nothing seems to have changed. Nothing is different, but everything is different. I changed...and I've been entombed in this new Bekah for so long that I can't go back to the old Bekah. Nothing has changed, but everything has changed. Nothing is different, but everything is different.

Identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self destruct.

Writing used to be, quite literally, my life...I would live in the worlds I created, I would breathe the air that I produced, I would act the characters that flowed from my fingertips. How can something that used to be everything to you suddenly mean nothing to you? I try to write, but I've lost it. I've lost the way with words that I used to have. I wrote two pages yesterday, forced myself to write them, forced myself to pretend the way things used to be.

They wont like me if I ain't in them J's or them brand new Nikes,
Lets dig deeper inside my pysche
When it's all said and done even I don't like me

When things are going my way, I'm happy. When I go shopping, when I have a good day at school, when I'm hanging out with a friend, I am happy. But my mood goes up and down, up and down, constantly in flux, never steady. The little things matter the most to me. I get more upset over the fact that I didnt get to see a friend than the fact that day by day I am spending less and less time with my siblings....Everything is backwards, upside down. I'm lost, I've fallen down the rabbit hole and am in a strange world in which I know nothing about. Without my Jesus, nothing makes sense, nothing gives me joy, I am constantly preoccupied with chasing dust bunnies while my soul is crying out for something more...something deeper. Some people might be content with following the wind, but I long for somewhere I can call home. Life seems so meaningless, I need Jesus, I need hope that this is not all there is.

Got her hair done, toes and nails
Is that Her? well it's hard to tell
Cause she's so caked up in so much make up
It's like she's tryna make up for what she ain't.

Silver jeans, a Guess sweater, Ugg boots, Charlotte Russe earrings, all those things are nice, but they cannot be my identity. I AM NOT THE CLOTHES I BUY. These things are so trivial, so unimportant! So why are they my life?? Why do I spend so much money and energy and thought on clothes, on appearence, on my hair, on my friends?

How do I gauge success, why do I say I'm blessed?
Is it the car that I drive or the place that I rest or the way that I dress?

Dear Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for how childish I have been. Forgive me for how much time I have wasted, forgive me for how I have ignored you. Worshiping you is the only reason I am on this earth, and yet I have let everything distract me, pull me away from the purpose of life. I want to be a part of your kingdom, I want to be yours...FOREVER.

To live is Christ yeah that's Paul I recall
To die is gain so for Christ we give it all
He's the treasure you'll never find in the mall
Your money your singleness marriage talent and time
They were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is Divine
That's why it's Christ in my rhymes
That's why it's Christ all the time
My whole world is built around him He's the life in my lines,
I refuse to waste my life
He's too true ta chase that ice.
all quotes by lecrae, "identity" and "dont waste your life"

I don't want to be a part of something I don't believe in. I don't want to do the same old every day...I want to be real, deep, new. God, I'm so sorry for taking this long to realize that.

that other half

Dear Jenna, my other half. My best friend for as long as I can remember. The one who knows me better than I know myself.

Jenna, life is hard - I don't know why God has given you and me our seperate burderns, but I know that he has given me you to help me get through.

I'm not saying our friendship is perfect. But it is the best friendship I have ever had, or will ever have. in fact I can far enough to say that it is more than just a friendship: you are my family.You are my sister and I love you.

God's given me you to help me laugh when I want to cry. He's given me you to listen, to help me carry my burdens with perserverance. He's given me you to punch me when I need you to, to wrestle with me, to mess up my perfect hair-do, to remind me that the simple joys in life are the ones we choose to overlook. He's given me you to help me see through the lies and barriers that I put up around myself. By simply being there, Jenna, you have saved my life.  

We were little third graders, awkward around each other. We were maturing fifth graders, shy around each other. We were seventh graders, with our ridiculous hair. Now we are eighth graders (well..you are:), and I want you to be my best friend until I die.

Thank you...for everything. You've helped me hold on to myself and to God when all I wanted to do was let go. Love you, Smee.