I hate the feeling when you first realize you've done something wrong, morally, spiritually, physically. That initial pang of your conscience - and if your conscience is anything like mine, you'll get no rest until you right that which you did wrong.
Like when I flop into bed at eleven o'clock at night, needing sleep after a long evening - and then I realize I didn't floss my teeth. Vivid images of cavities and dead teeth fill my mind, until, you guessed it, I drag myself out of bed and grab a floss.
Or, when Ab [younger sister] asks me to do her hair when I'm in the middle of doing mine - and I snap at her. My conscience screams and wails until I apologize and spend half-an-hour curling her hair.
Oh yes, I hate when my conscience can't seem to be quiet. All of a sudden, a few nights ago, it began screaming and clamoring - why?
Scroll up and take a look at that picture again - terrible, isn't it? It's all grainy, and unfocused, and full of noisy colors. It hurts my eyes to look at it.
And honestly, that's what life has been like lately. I feel like I've been walking around, knocking into everything because I've been so out of focus.
I wish I could just pause life. Slow it down...I need to have time to breathe! And this infernal busyness - it's not from school. In fact, school is almost nonexistant because I have finished all my classes. So, why am I so busy?
It's from life lived focused on unimportant things.
I've just been so concerned with petty things that don't matter - they burn me out, wear me down. I feel so tired writing this...where has the beauty of life disappeared to?
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. Ecclesiastes 2:11
Ahh. "Chasing after the wind." I feel like that's what I've been doing - chasing after the wind. Sigh. It's tiring - fills me with bone-jarring weariness. Busying myself with meaningless things...it's exhausting.
This morning, I sat and prayed and read the Bible for half-an-hour before breakfast.
And it was SO relaxing. I had this slight time to just breathe. To be renewed. To be revived.
You have filled my heart with great joy...I will lie down and sleep in peace. Psalm 4: 7-8
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7 replies:
Awesome post, Bekah! I know, sometimes I just need a breather. I have felt guilty all morning because I snapped at one of my sisters when she refused to do the dishes like I told her to. I so could've handled myself better! I'm 15 and acting like a child. Gosh! And, when I snapped at her, I knew it was wrong.... immediately. I just couldn't bring myself to apologize. *sigh* Why do I do this to myself? I have made up my mind to go give her a big ole' hug and tell her how sorry I am! Thanks, Bekah! :)
{Love}
Eldarwen
I know EXACTLY what you mean. A couple years ago I was overwhelmed with the craziness of life. I was trying to take some college classes, I started a new job, my mom went back to work, and I was away from home so much that I didn't have time or energy to sit and breathe. It was an awful feeling, and one of the reasons I decided I wasn't ready to go to college yet. I couldn't focus on the things that were really important in my life-- the things that God was calling me to do.
Great post, Bekah!
Blessings,
Evergreena
Wow.... oh, wow! I can relate to everything that you said, Bekah. Great, great post!! =)
~ Love,
Lindsay
You are so much more mature than me. I'm eighteen and you are turning to God for help. WOW! That is such a mature Christian thing to do.
You are such an amazing person, Bekah, even at your lowest.
Way to sum up my morning. Actually, my lafe lately. I've been making it busier then it really is and have been neglecting to take time where it really matters. This morning, before school, I finally just got down on my knees and started to talk to God. It felt good to be in communion with Him after what felt like such a long time. Really, it was only three days.
Also, you are not the only one who does the whole floss thing. The skip, the feel bad, the dragging of yourself out of bed right before you fall asleep just to floss thing. I laughed so hard (on the insides) when I realized I am not the only one who does that. If you could see me, I would be grinning broadly in all my metal glory right now.
Bekah, how very wise you are. I too read the Bible and feel soooo much better after reading it. Thank you for your great posts they are very very good.
Blessings
Autumn.
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