does anybody hear her?

"she is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."

-casting crowns, does anybody hear her.

So, I've been realizing some things.

One: I've changed a lot. Reading this blog can clearly show you that. Last summer, I was a different girl.

Two: This change that I've gone through is not good at all. I'm thinking things, saying things, that I would not have thought or said a year ago...

Three: Something needs to change. I was hoping that it would be this summer that I would really re-adjust my focus, but it hasn't really happened.

I've always been a sort of nostalgic person, I've always been aware of how fast time is flying by, how fast I'm changing, etc. But I look at this picture, and I sort of want to cry.

Look at us. Look at me. I'm dressed in a t-shirt, my hair is atrocious, I have no make-up on, braces; overall I look disgusting. But look at how happy we all are. We dont give a crap about what anybody thinks, we're just happy to be around each other. There's no boundaries between us; we're all innocent, carefree, and just plain happy.

Look at me, just last year.

Look at me now.

Do you even see a resemblance?

I don't.

Yeah, the second girl looks more like the stereotype pretty. But to me, the first girl is more beautiful. There's something in the first girl's smile that's geniune. The second girl's smile is superficial...

The first girl. (on the right)..again with the dorky braids.

And the second girl.

There's really no way to explain this. You can just see it...everything about me has become more shallow. I've become more "normal". Which is exactly what I do NOT want to be. Sure I don't want to look like the first girl for the rest of my life. But there's this element about the second girl that is so fake..

I don't really know what to say, except to apologize. I'm sorry for changing? That's not awkward at all...

Can I make a request for anybody who's reading this (if anyone..)? Could you pray for me? That's a hard question, and even more awkward for me than the apology...I'd really appreciate prayer. I'm a prideful person, and thats a huge flaw in me that I'm trying to work out. I know you're probably sitting there like, I have a million things to do, i'm not gonna remember to pray for a girl I've never even met. But I'd not only appreciate prayer, but I need it.

Could you pray for specifically four things?

Wisdom, to be able to find my way back.

Discernment, to be able to know what is wrong and what is right.

Strength, to be able to say no when I know something's wrong.

And humility, to be able to accept my flaws and want to change them.

I can't believe I'm quoting hannah montana, but:

"you can change your hair and you can change your clothes; you can change your mind, that's just the way it goes. You can say goodbye and you can say hello; but you'll always find your way back home."

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

-Bekah

Sorry my blog is extremely boring...

^^^that's me...I edit pictures when I'm bored, and blog when I'm bored. Maybe that's why my blog is so boring. I apologize. I assume you're bored because you're reading this...so I'm gonna do a tag and 100 truths, just for kicks. (:

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, what’s the first thing you say?

When I look at myself in the morning, I'm usually pretty tired and don't have a ton of coherent thoughts but the majority of the time it's "ugh...." hahah :)
2. How much cash do you have on you?
None ON me, but in my purse I have about 90 dollars in cash and 50 in checks .

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “TEST”?

best..?

4. Favorite planet?

um...mars..duh. (;
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

Jenna <3
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?

i always have my phone on vibrate.
7. What shirt are you wearing?
a t-shirt i got from a race I was in.

8. Do you “label” yourself?

no, not really. i'm trying to break out of the whole stereotyping thing.
9. Name the brand of your shoes you’re currently wearing?

none..who wears shoes in their house ?! :)

10. Bright or Dark Room?

bright

11. What were you doing at midnight last night?

watching tv at my neighbors house, hahah
12. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

"heyyy"
13. What’s a saying that you say a lot?

i use the word "like" a lot...as in:

"yeah, she was like wow and i was like omg and then we were like freaking out."

hahahahahh . i crack myself up...sadly.
14. Who told you they loved you last?

my best friend :)
15. Last furry thing you touched?

the carpet...? hahah i dont know.
16. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
digital babyyyy .

17. Favorite age you have been so far?
14..? hahah im so young. -__-

18. Your worst enemy?
selena gomez...justin bieber's girlfriend. She's stealing my man.

19. What is your current desktop picture?

me and my friends hannah, janaye, and tessa
20. What was the last thing you said to someone?

"i know"
21. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?

a million bucks, just because I really don't have a major regret.
22. Do you like someone?

At the moment, I'm gonna have to say no.
23. The last song you listened to?

Cody Simpson, On My Mind. <333333333333333333

100 Truths.

1.Real name: Rebekah Grace Shaffer

2. Nicknames(s): Bekah, Bekster, Bek-bek, Piglet, REbekah (my friends call me that when they're pissed..), hahah etc.

3. Zodiac Sign: no idea and I'm wayyyy too lazy to go look it up.
4. Male or female: i'm secretly male, guys....hahahah female.
5. Elementary School: my basement..(;

6. Middle School: my couch

7. High School: Rogers High School

8. Natrual Hair color: blonde

9. Tall or short: on the taller side..

11. Sweats or Jeans: jeans

12. Phone or Camera: Phone

13. Health freak: Oh yes. but give me junk food, and I swear to God I will eat it all.

14. Orange or Apple: orange, but it really depends on my mood.

15. Do you have a crush on someone? Not right now .

16. Eat or Drink: drinkkk

18. Pepsi or Coke: ehhh neither.

HAVE YOU EVER?

19. Been in an airplane: Yes

21. Been in a car accident: No

22. Been in a fist fight: No

23. First piercing: 1st ear hole

24. First best friend: Krista :)

25. First award: hahah no idea. probably a dorky little homeschool ribbon or something...hahahahah.
26. First crush: too long ago

27. First word: Mom? hahahah i dont know.

29. Last person you talked to in person: MY SISTA.

30. Last person you texted: Hannah
31. Last person you watched a movie with: my sista.

32. Last food you ate: pineapple.

33. Last movie you watched: The Last Song

34. Last song you listen to: Cody Simpson, On My Mind. i'm obsessed with that boy.

35. Last thing you bought: a bebe belt <3

36. Last person you hugged: my grandma...hahah awk. :)
FAVE:

37. Food: that's a hard one...I'm a living garbage disposal. Put something in front of me and I will eat it.

38. Art/Band: At the moment: cody simpson, justin bieber, rihanna, one republic, gym class hero & SO many others.

39. Bottoms: In the summer? running shorts. in the school year? jeans
40. Flower: roses..lame I know.

41. Animal: ehh idk, some sort of cute dog :)
42. Colors: Yellow, pink, blue..

43. Movies: I like WAYY too many movies to give you specific titles, but I like romance, action, drama. I HATE scary movies.

44. Subjects: English and science.

HAVE YOU EVER:

(Put an X in the brackets if yes)

45. [] fell in love with someone. i dont know enough about love to answer this..hahah

46. [X] celebrated Halloween.

47. []had your heart broken... once again, i dont know..yes and no.

48. [X] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone.

49. [] had someone question my sexual orientation.

51. [] got pregnant.

52. [] had an abortion.

53. [x] did something I regret.

54. [x] broke a promise.

55. [x] hid a secret.
56. [x] pretended to be happy.

57. [x] met someone who changed your life.

58. [X] pretended to be sick.

59. [X] left the country.
60. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it.

61. [X] cried over the silliest thing.

62. [x] ran a mile. haha too many..

63. [X] went to the beach with your best friend.

64. [x] got into an argument with your friends.

65. [X] hated someone.

66. [x] stayed single for 2 years.
DOING NOW:

67. Eating: nothing
68. Drinking: nothing

69. Listening: cody simpson all day <3

70. Sitting/Laying: Sitting
71. Plans for today: get off and do violin and watch a moviee :)

72. Waiting: for the music video to load so i can watch cody simpson <3
YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids? yes :)

74. Want to get married? Duh

75. Career: english professor/writer or maybe an editor

76. Live: Happily
77. Piercing: cartilage, tragus, belly button, and i want my nose pierced. doubtful on the belly button and nose, tho, but i def want cartilage and tragus, and probably some more ear piercings.
78. Romantic or spontaneous: romantic

81. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
82. Looks or personality: both :) but personality is definitely more important.
HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts: yess
84. Snuck out of a house: No

85. Held a gun/knife for self defense: No

86. Killed somebody: hahah duh...all day errday. i just go around murdering people.
87. Broken someone's heart: maybe..?

88. Been in love: no

89. Cried when someone died: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself: not really

91. Miracles: yes
92. Love at first sight: it can happen
93. Heaven: Yes

94. Santa Clause? duh...hahah KIDDING. (;

95. Sex on the first date: noooooooooooooo

96. Kiss on the first date: sure? hahaha idc
TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now: yes

98. Do you know who your real friends are: thank God, yes
99. Do you believe in God: Yes!

100. Do you want to grow up?: No

sorry...my blog sorta sucks...alright. hahah . I promise I'll post something good soon...

it's a smile, a kiss, a sip of wine, it's summertime ♥

Summertime.

That short, sweet, unforgettable breath of the good life that comes every year but continues to retain its magic.

Late nights. Laughter. Chatter. Food. Beaches. Shopping. Running. Sunburn.

Only surrounding myself with the ones who I love.

Dear summertime, please don't leave too soon.

Don't fly by so fast, dear summertime.

Life's short, but summer's shorter.

Savor it.

♥

An Agglomeration of Nothing Particular

6-18-11

Today, we went to visit a guy that makes electric violins, because I'm looking into buying one/getting one for my birthday (note: decided not to buy one this year). I am obsessed with the one he let me borrow for a week. But I don't know how to play any really cool pieces on it. Like Canon Rock. I'm just not good enough to be able to play it. And I'm so frustrated...I literally sppent 4 hours today fiddling with it. I can't get it.

I haven't run in two days. I haven't really written anything for about an infiniti longer than that. I haven't prayed, I haven't read my Bible, I haven't read a good book, I haven't done anything that makes me sit down and really think. In longer than I can remember.

What have I done? I've hung out with friends, I've texted, I've sat around on Facebook, I've laid in the sun for hours on end, I've obsessively exercised, I've binged, I've painted my nails, I've taken naps.

Are any of those things mind-stimulating? Are any of those things worth the time that I've spent on them?

I have to say no...and once again find myself disappointed in myself.

I'm never able to commit myself to anything of substance. I've never put in the effort to overcome the writer's block that's been smothering me for almost a year. It's so much easier to click a button and go on Facebook instead of sitting, staring at a blank word document, grasping at words that always seem to elude me. How have I gotten so lazy? Too lazy to spend time and effort in any area: writing, reading, learning, developing, growing, playing violin, spending time with the family, praying, reflecting. These things require too much, and I start them and then quit when I'm forced to start using my brain.

Laziness.  A sin that I never realized I could be guilty of.

I've been told I'm extremely smart by almost every person I've met throughout the school year. It hurts to admit this, but it seems as if I subconsciously resented the mental gap between me and others my age, and started dumbing myself down in order to be more like everyone else. I care way too much about what other people think of me. A sin that I have no idea how to confront. A trait that I have no idea how to change.

Everything in my life that's wrong right now is because of me. I am blessed by an amazing family and friends. The only area of flaw in my life is myself.

Too cocky. Too arrogant. Too self-absorbed. Too prideful. Too lazy. Too concerned.

I need a serious outlook readjustment...everything needs to be changed. Tomorrow I will spend time with my family, with my Bible, with my violin, with my diary, with God. Tomorrow I will spend time without my cell phone, without my make up, without my ipod, without my computer, without my Facebook.

I have to start somewhere otherwise I'll get nowhere. And that thought frightens me.

-Bekah

6-26-11

Tomorrow's my birthday. In like three hours I'm going to be 14...such a weird thought. We're at this cabin that we rented for a week. I sorta wish we were at home...there's nothing to do in this small dingy town. There's not a movie theatre, or even a mall, and only two tiny grocery stores! Tonight's Sunday night. We got here Saturday, about 11-ish. We unpacked, got situated, and then went on a 2 hour hike in the intense heat, got DQ ice-cream (<3), sat at the beach a little, went to the deserted grocery store, ate dinner, watched Chariots of Fire (lovelovelove), then went to bed. This morning, we sat around and read books and did nothing, then we went into "town" and fished (didn't get a single bite..), then I went for a run (felt soo good <3) came home, roasted hot dogs, ate DQ ice-cream AGAIN, watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding (hilarious), and now me, Peter and Abs are sitting here reading/writing. On the hike on Saturday, we got SOOO many ticks...I had 10, Abby had 13, and us as a family had well over 50. -__- I hate ticks.

I haven't texted since the 19th...almost 10 days. Freaking amazing.

Me, Abby & Grandma Sally went shopping at the MoA last Thursday for my birthday. I got an ADORABLE pair of jeans at Wet Seal (they make my butt look half-way decent <3), expensive Steve Madden sandals, a lace Charlotte Russe top with a bright yellow lace cami & bright blue cami that could go under it, with blue earrings to go with the blue cami. I also got round floral diamond-studded earrings and rhinestone black-feather earrings at Wet Seal.

Tomorrow's my birthday...doesn't even feel real. I'm so ready to be done with 13 and embark into 14. <3

-Bekah

6-27-11

I'm fourteen!! Wow...time goes fast. Dear God, help me not to waste a single second.

-Bekah

6-29-11

Today, on the boat (yes, we rented the boath again), Mom finished Keith Green's biography (No Compromise) written by his wife Melody Green, and I was bored and it looked interesting so I picked it up. I was hooked after the first chapter. It is a 500+ page book, and I finished it in 3 hours. I'm listening to his music right now. I'm sorta obsessed with him.

Anyway, the book really struck me. Keith and Melody dabbled in drugs and occult cults before finding God, and their lives were instantly transformed. Keith went from smoking grass to pouring himself out in front of sprawling crowds and bringing thousands to Christ in a single alter-call. His life suddenly had purpose and joy, and in the short 8 years  he had before he died, God used him to minister to countless people searching for truth. He was a warrior, a prophet, a genius, and completely, utterly, 150% dedicated to God. He was so open to God's convinctions, so humble, so ready, always, to accept God's discipline and so willing to change, so eager to cast off every sin and vice, so committed to serving, so unselfish of every belonging (material and non-material) he called his own. He was an incredible person and I wish I could have been alive when he was. He's so inspiring to me. When God entered his life, he was utterly transformed.

*then I went on a long, personal rant about how I need to change. it was like 8 pages long. hahah.

-Bekah

7-1-11.

Hi. This pen is awful. We're home(: . I'm so tired. I like don't have a coherent thought. Jenna's getting a pool. I'm gonna like live at her house once she gets it. We're going to Chicago in two weeks. We're staying at the (family friend)'s house. I want to take a picture in the shiny bean thing. I'm listening to les Miserables music. I'm reading Bonhoeffer right now, but I'm gonna read Les Miserables net. I am in love with the music and story (literally<3), I should read the book. I haven't run in a long time...Hannah's in Australia. So jealous.

Me and Mom went shopping today. I got a short white floral skirt that I'm in love with and a white floral & rhinestone tank top from Maurices, and then a neon pink tank top and a light blue tank top from American Eagle. Dad and me and the sibs went to Mr. Popper's Penguins, BEST MOVIE EVER <3 .

Obsessed with Les Miserables.

-Bekah

who am I?

Who Am I?


-Dietrich Bonhoeffer



Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like on accustomed to win.



Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

Compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?



Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!

*this is perfect for me right now...i am obsessed with this poem.