The Word Crafter

You! Yeah, you! Guess what? You're beautiful.

2012-01-03T17:52:00.000-08:00

We all have those days where the world seems against us. When, for no particular reason, everything everyone does just discourages you or annoys you. Where every glance, every word, builds up until your day is an agglomeration of disappointment, discouragement, and pain. Maybe it was a comment someone made. Maybe it was an attitude someone had towards you. Whatever those things are that discourage you, I'm sure we've all been familiar with them.

I would like to just write a post about you. You. You know who you are. You're the one reading this post.

You were just scrolling along your blog newsfeed and the title of this blog post caught your eye. You decided you'd like to read my blog, so you clicked on over to The Word Crafter. You've been through a lot and you've had a hard day. Just close your eyes and let that fatigue, that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, that sadness, let that all wash over you. Yeah, you've had a hard day.

But you know what? You are the most beautiful, unique, smart, kind, talented person I've ever met. You have a way of touching other people's lives, that wherever you go, you leave a trail of good-feeling behind you. You are strong, so strong. You set an example for everyone around you. Even though you stumble sometimes, we all do. You're not alone in this struggle of yours. There are millions of people all around this globe that are feeling the same emotions you're feeling right now, and even though it might be hard to realize right now, you can be certain, as surely as the sun rises every morning, that you will overcome this tough stage in your life, and you will be the bigger and better person because of it.

You know that person in your life, that person who's life goal it is to tear you down and make you feel horrible about yourself? Maybe it's a boyfriend, or a best friend, or maybe even a family member, like your mom or your dad, or maybe a brother or a sister. I know it's ridiculous to even think about, considering everything bad they've done to you, but you need to forgive them. Think about all those things they've said to you; and just let it go. Hard day? Yeah...

I would like to tell you how much I appreciate you. You are such a blessing, to everyone around you, even if you don't realize it.

I wish I could make you realize just how wonderful you are, just the way you are. And I wish I could make you also realize how much God loves you. Our minds are so small that we can't even imagine it. Even though we fail, and we sin, and we screw everything up, and we ignore Him, and we are arrogant and think we are in control of everything, He loves us. And just because of that guarantee of His perfect love, we should be singing and smiling and praising and dancing until the end of our days.

Hard day? I know a little bit about those. But so does He. He has seen every day in every person's life every since the beginning of time. And you know what? He cares about your day. I encourage you to talk to Him. You'll find the best friend you'll ever have. And even though He seems far away sometimes, I promise you He's not. He knows you better than you know yourself; after all, He created you.

Stay beautiful.

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important." -The Help.

If you ever need someone to talk to, just shoot me an email or leave me a comment with yours, and I'll get back to you. I'll be here to listen, if you need someone to.

the only one we have to please

2012-01-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

Fat. Ugly. Annoying. Weird. Loud. No one likes me. I'm not good at anything. I'm not going anywhere with my life.

Does any of that sound familiar? That voice that always present in your mind - whispering that you're not good enough. That despair when you start to believe those whispers. That hatred that builds up within you - not hatred towards anybody else, but hatred towards yourself.

That feeling of incompetence, inability; that feeling of I'm just not good enough. Yeah, that feeling? It's been a constant companion for the past three years, or longer. It's just always been in my life. As long as that demon has clung to me, I've been insecure, clinging to meaningless compliments, stretching those compliments as far as I could before I discarded them. Instead of appreciating the opinion of others, I lived for it. It was the only way that I could feel good about myself.

This happens to a lot of us girls. I already see that spirit of dissatisfaction starting in my little sister, and what hurts the most is that I feel like I planted it there. I was always complaining about how I looked, I was always trying to lose weight, or buy more clothes, or perfect my hair and makeup. How could a little girl be happy with what she looked like when her older sister was constantly showing her that it's not okay to like how you look.

2012? Yeah, I'm changing that. With the help of God, I'm going to leave this demon behind me. I'm not going to be cocky - but confident. I'm taking the opinion of others and throwing it in the trash, because that's all it is. Junk. I don't care if the opinion of others is positive or negative, because there is only one person we need to please and He couldn't care less what kind of clothes we wear, or how pretty we are, or how athletic. I'm laughing because of how pathetic and childish I've been these last couple of years. I got so caught up in Satan's lies, I didn't even realize it.

My generation's identity is on the opinion of others. Think about it, girls. When was the last time you looked in the mirror and didn't think "oh crap my hair sucks today..." or "wow my makeup is awful" or "why am I so ugly?" When was the last time you looked in the mirror and was like "I may not be perfect, but God made me in His image and He loves me. So I'm going to keep my head up, not listen to the chitter-chatter of this world, and be confident. Not because I think I look good, but because the only one who matters loves me more than I can imagine."

I challenge you, ladies. As Christians in this twisted generation, we are the lights, we are the salt. We have to stand up, we have to set examples, for our friends, for our younger sisters, for strangers.

Our identity is not based on what we look like. You can't take credit for your beauty. If you're pretty, it's because God made you pretty. What you look like has nothing to do with you. The beauty we should be concerned with is our inward beauty, which to me is so much more important than our outward beauty.

It's repulsive that my generation (including me!) is so obsessed with outward appearances. Obsessed. We're obsessed, possessed, whatever. Satan has a pretty strong hold on our generation, girls. We have to see that, recognize that, and change that.

My new years resolution? I have a few...

To stop basing my identity on the opinion of others.

To stop the feeling of I'm not good enough.

To stop looking in the mirror and hating what I see.

To stop obsessing over compliments.

To start setting an example for my little sister.

To start setting an example for my friends.

To start building others up.

To start seeing God in others.

To start showing God to others.

To start making my actions louder than my words.

To start being unconditionally rooted in God.

To not saying God I'm ugly but saying I am made in God's image.

To realize God's incomprehensible love for me.

To understand my responsibility as a young Christian girl to bring the light to the people around me.

To live this year WITHOUT the demons that have haunted me for so long.

That's me. I look at that picture and see all of the imperfections in my skin, my smile, my hair, my eyes, my eyebrows. And that has to STOP.

Who's with me?

I'm sick of all the insincere

2011-12-29T15:08:00.000-08:00

Destination unknown. Surroundings unfriendly. Alone. The path under your feet is the path already tread by the people who have gone before you and set their expectations for you before you. You're trying so hard but the snow is just too thick, too deep. Your boots keep getting stuck, the ice finds its way into your socks to pierce your skin, sweat on your brow despite the frigid environment. Life around you is nonexistent; this frozen wonderland looks so beautiful but when you venture out in it you find that it's cold, that you're alone, and lost. In the rush to enter this seemingly wonderful place, you've forgotten to put on proper clothes; the wind is roaring against your face, stinging your face, your ears, your lips. You look down at the footprints, remember that your ancestors have already walked this path, and that you should be able to do the same. So instead of turning back, you push on; you don't know where you're going, but you know that you have to continue otherwise you'll elicit the crushing disappointment of the ones whom you love. The sun starts to dip below the horizon. The shadows lengthen, dusk falls, the temperature plummets. You're hopelessly caught in your own folly, and this world that once beckoned you now rejects you. Its beauty to you is gone forever. You've lost the naivety once so precious to you. You're weary and exhausted. A tear slips down your cheek and freezes there. You ask yourself, why did you ever leave your warm home to brave this unfriendly place? Why did you ever leave the ones who you love to enter this world that hates you? Despair seizes your soul, and you watch as the last of the light leaves. And then you realize: you're completely alone in this freezing darkness that threatens to snatch your life away.

Does that sound familiar to anyone? Is anyone else in that dark place of your life in which you wonder what you have gotten yourself into? I hope I'm not as alone as I feel...

I've progressed a little. Picked myself up a little. I admit, I'm being melodramatic. I tend to be that way...

I know you all don't know what's going on my life, and I don't know what's going on in yours. But let's make a promise to each other, shall we? Let's promise to be kind to the people we pass by on the street. The hardest battles anyone ever fights are the ones they keep hidden. The same people you see smiling throughout the day are the same people who cry themselves to sleep at night. Everyone is fighting a harder battle. So be kind. You never know what a kind word or a listening ear could do to someone who desperately needs it.

I'm not saying I'm one of those people, I have a wonderful family, supportive friends, and a bright future. I have everything looking up for me. But I'm so scared that the mistakes I'm making now will affect my life forever. I'm afraid people will find out that I'm not as strong as I make myself seem. I'm so scared that my inability to trust will just grow worse as I grow older, and soon I will be truly alone, having rejected the only people who truly love me.

I'm just rambling now. So I think I'll stop. Thanks for reading.

chasing shadows

2011-12-27T09:27:00.000-08:00

"It's always darkest before the dawn."

-Florence and the Machine

Before I start writing anything, go listen to Florence and the Machine. I'm obsessed with her. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs&ob=av3n Go.Do.It.Now. I promise you'll fall in love!

So hey guys. It's been a while, I know. I haven't been very faithful with keeping up this blog. The last post was in what, August?

Merry Christmas, by the way! I hope everyone had a happy holiday.

I'm just jumping all over the place, but go listen to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uR5IFlKY-_k&feature=related
I'm in love...

What's been going on in my life lately? I've just been doing the same old same old, but a big step for me this December was that I got rid of my phone and had my dad change my password for my Facebook so that I've been really isolated from the technology that used to be pretty much my life.

That's really helped me focus on the things above, ha that sounds funny but it's true. I read Einstein by Walter Isaacson and The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, both in the same week - both are really good, I recommend them both! I'm about a third through The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich by William Shirer (I think thats how you spell his last name, ha) , and considering I started it two days ago, I think that's pretty good progress! Ha.

Thanks for reading, just thought I'd drop by and write something, since I haven't for about 2398472398 years!

just amused by my brand new Macbook pro web cam :)

Love, Bekah

does anybody hear her?

2011-08-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

"she is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction."

-casting crowns, does anybody hear her.

So, I've been realizing some things.

One: I've changed a lot. Reading this blog can clearly show you that. Last summer, I was a different girl.

Two: This change that I've gone through is not good at all. I'm thinking things, saying things, that I would not have thought or said a year ago...

Three: Something needs to change. I was hoping that it would be this summer that I would really re-adjust my focus, but it hasn't really happened.

I've always been a sort of nostalgic person, I've always been aware of how fast time is flying by, how fast I'm changing, etc. But I look at this picture, and I sort of want to cry.

Look at us. Look at me. I'm dressed in a t-shirt, my hair is atrocious, I have no make-up on, braces; overall I look disgusting. But look at how happy we all are. We dont give a crap about what anybody thinks, we're just happy to be around each other. There's no boundaries between us; we're all innocent, carefree, and just plain happy.

Look at me, just last year.

Look at me now.

Do you even see a resemblance?

I don't.

Yeah, the second girl looks more like the stereotype pretty. But to me, the first girl is more beautiful. There's something in the first girl's smile that's geniune. The second girl's smile is superficial...

The first girl. (on the right)..again with the dorky braids.

And the second girl.

There's really no way to explain this. You can just see it...everything about me has become more shallow. I've become more "normal". Which is exactly what I do NOT want to be. Sure I don't want to look like the first girl for the rest of my life. But there's this element about the second girl that is so fake..

I don't really know what to say, except to apologize. I'm sorry for changing? That's not awkward at all...

Can I make a request for anybody who's reading this (if anyone..)? Could you pray for me? That's a hard question, and even more awkward for me than the apology...I'd really appreciate prayer. I'm a prideful person, and thats a huge flaw in me that I'm trying to work out. I know you're probably sitting there like, I have a million things to do, i'm not gonna remember to pray for a girl I've never even met. But I'd not only appreciate prayer, but I need it.

Could you pray for specifically four things?

Wisdom, to be able to find my way back.

Discernment, to be able to know what is wrong and what is right.

Strength, to be able to say no when I know something's wrong.

And humility, to be able to accept my flaws and want to change them.

I can't believe I'm quoting hannah montana, but:

"you can change your hair and you can change your clothes; you can change your mind, that's just the way it goes. You can say goodbye and you can say hello; but you'll always find your way back home."

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

-Bekah

Sorry my blog is extremely boring...

2011-08-07T17:50:00.000-07:00

^^^that's me...I edit pictures when I'm bored, and blog when I'm bored. Maybe that's why my blog is so boring. I apologize. I assume you're bored because you're reading this...so I'm gonna do a tag and 100 truths, just for kicks. (:

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, what’s the first thing you say?

When I look at myself in the morning, I'm usually pretty tired and don't have a ton of coherent thoughts but the majority of the time it's "ugh...." hahah :)
2. How much cash do you have on you?
None ON me, but in my purse I have about 90 dollars in cash and 50 in checks .

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “TEST”?

best..?

4. Favorite planet?

um...mars..duh. (;
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

Jenna <3
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?

i always have my phone on vibrate.
7. What shirt are you wearing?
a t-shirt i got from a race I was in.

8. Do you “label” yourself?

no, not really. i'm trying to break out of the whole stereotyping thing.
9. Name the brand of your shoes you’re currently wearing?

none..who wears shoes in their house ?! :)

10. Bright or Dark Room?

bright

11. What were you doing at midnight last night?

watching tv at my neighbors house, hahah
12. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

"heyyy"
13. What’s a saying that you say a lot?

i use the word "like" a lot...as in:

"yeah, she was like wow and i was like omg and then we were like freaking out."

hahahahahh . i crack myself up...sadly.
14. Who told you they loved you last?

my best friend :)
15. Last furry thing you touched?

the carpet...? hahah i dont know.
16. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
digital babyyyy .

17. Favorite age you have been so far?
14..? hahah im so young. -__-

18. Your worst enemy?
selena gomez...justin bieber's girlfriend. She's stealing my man.

19. What is your current desktop picture?

me and my friends hannah, janaye, and tessa
20. What was the last thing you said to someone?

"i know"
21. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?

a million bucks, just because I really don't have a major regret.
22. Do you like someone?

At the moment, I'm gonna have to say no.
23. The last song you listened to?

Cody Simpson, On My Mind. <333333333333333333

100 Truths.

1.Real name: Rebekah Grace Shaffer

2. Nicknames(s): Bekah, Bekster, Bek-bek, Piglet, REbekah (my friends call me that when they're pissed..), hahah etc.

3. Zodiac Sign: no idea and I'm wayyyy too lazy to go look it up.
4. Male or female: i'm secretly male, guys....hahahah female.
5. Elementary School: my basement..(;

6. Middle School: my couch

7. High School: Rogers High School

8. Natrual Hair color: blonde

9. Tall or short: on the taller side..

11. Sweats or Jeans: jeans

12. Phone or Camera: Phone

13. Health freak: Oh yes. but give me junk food, and I swear to God I will eat it all.

14. Orange or Apple: orange, but it really depends on my mood.

15. Do you have a crush on someone? Not right now .

16. Eat or Drink: drinkkk

18. Pepsi or Coke: ehhh neither.

HAVE YOU EVER?

19. Been in an airplane: Yes

21. Been in a car accident: No

22. Been in a fist fight: No

23. First piercing: 1st ear hole

24. First best friend: Krista :)

25. First award: hahah no idea. probably a dorky little homeschool ribbon or something...hahahahah.
26. First crush: too long ago

27. First word: Mom? hahahah i dont know.

29. Last person you talked to in person: MY SISTA.

30. Last person you texted: Hannah
31. Last person you watched a movie with: my sista.

32. Last food you ate: pineapple.

33. Last movie you watched: The Last Song

34. Last song you listen to: Cody Simpson, On My Mind. i'm obsessed with that boy.

35. Last thing you bought: a bebe belt <3

36. Last person you hugged: my grandma...hahah awk. :)
FAVE:

37. Food: that's a hard one...I'm a living garbage disposal. Put something in front of me and I will eat it.

38. Art/Band: At the moment: cody simpson, justin bieber, rihanna, one republic, gym class hero & SO many others.

39. Bottoms: In the summer? running shorts. in the school year? jeans
40. Flower: roses..lame I know.

41. Animal: ehh idk, some sort of cute dog :)
42. Colors: Yellow, pink, blue..

43. Movies: I like WAYY too many movies to give you specific titles, but I like romance, action, drama. I HATE scary movies.

44. Subjects: English and science.

HAVE YOU EVER:

(Put an X in the brackets if yes)

45. [] fell in love with someone. i dont know enough about love to answer this..hahah

46. [X] celebrated Halloween.

47. []had your heart broken... once again, i dont know..yes and no.

48. [X] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone.

49. [] had someone question my sexual orientation.

51. [] got pregnant.

52. [] had an abortion.

53. [x] did something I regret.

54. [x] broke a promise.

55. [x] hid a secret.
56. [x] pretended to be happy.

57. [x] met someone who changed your life.

58. [X] pretended to be sick.

59. [X] left the country.
60. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it.

61. [X] cried over the silliest thing.

62. [x] ran a mile. haha too many..

63. [X] went to the beach with your best friend.

64. [x] got into an argument with your friends.

65. [X] hated someone.

66. [x] stayed single for 2 years.
DOING NOW:

67. Eating: nothing
68. Drinking: nothing

69. Listening: cody simpson all day <3

70. Sitting/Laying: Sitting
71. Plans for today: get off and do violin and watch a moviee :)

72. Waiting: for the music video to load so i can watch cody simpson <3
YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids? yes :)

74. Want to get married? Duh

75. Career: english professor/writer or maybe an editor

76. Live: Happily
77. Piercing: cartilage, tragus, belly button, and i want my nose pierced. doubtful on the belly button and nose, tho, but i def want cartilage and tragus, and probably some more ear piercings.
78. Romantic or spontaneous: romantic

81. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
82. Looks or personality: both :) but personality is definitely more important.
HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts: yess
84. Snuck out of a house: No

85. Held a gun/knife for self defense: No

86. Killed somebody: hahah duh...all day errday. i just go around murdering people.
87. Broken someone's heart: maybe..?

88. Been in love: no

89. Cried when someone died: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself: not really

91. Miracles: yes
92. Love at first sight: it can happen
93. Heaven: Yes

94. Santa Clause? duh...hahah KIDDING. (;

95. Sex on the first date: noooooooooooooo

96. Kiss on the first date: sure? hahaha idc
TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now: yes

98. Do you know who your real friends are: thank God, yes
99. Do you believe in God: Yes!

100. Do you want to grow up?: No

sorry...my blog sorta sucks...alright. hahah . I promise I'll post something good soon...

it's a smile, a kiss, a sip of wine, it's summertime ♥

2011-07-31T14:57:00.000-07:00

Summertime.

That short, sweet, unforgettable breath of the good life that comes every year but continues to retain its magic.

Late nights. Laughter. Chatter. Food. Beaches. Shopping. Running. Sunburn.

Only surrounding myself with the ones who I love.

Dear summertime, please don't leave too soon.

Don't fly by so fast, dear summertime.

Life's short, but summer's shorter.

Savor it.

♥

An Agglomeration of Nothing Particular

2011-07-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

6-18-11

Today, we went to visit a guy that makes electric violins, because I'm looking into buying one/getting one for my birthday (note: decided not to buy one this year). I am obsessed with the one he let me borrow for a week. But I don't know how to play any really cool pieces on it. Like Canon Rock. I'm just not good enough to be able to play it. And I'm so frustrated...I literally sppent 4 hours today fiddling with it. I can't get it.

I haven't run in two days. I haven't really written anything for about an infiniti longer than that. I haven't prayed, I haven't read my Bible, I haven't read a good book, I haven't done anything that makes me sit down and really think. In longer than I can remember.

What have I done? I've hung out with friends, I've texted, I've sat around on Facebook, I've laid in the sun for hours on end, I've obsessively exercised, I've binged, I've painted my nails, I've taken naps.

Are any of those things mind-stimulating? Are any of those things worth the time that I've spent on them?

I have to say no...and once again find myself disappointed in myself.

I'm never able to commit myself to anything of substance. I've never put in the effort to overcome the writer's block that's been smothering me for almost a year. It's so much easier to click a button and go on Facebook instead of sitting, staring at a blank word document, grasping at words that always seem to elude me. How have I gotten so lazy? Too lazy to spend time and effort in any area: writing, reading, learning, developing, growing, playing violin, spending time with the family, praying, reflecting. These things require too much, and I start them and then quit when I'm forced to start using my brain.

Laziness. A sin that I never realized I could be guilty of.

I've been told I'm extremely smart by almost every person I've met throughout the school year. It hurts to admit this, but it seems as if I subconsciously resented the mental gap between me and others my age, and started dumbing myself down in order to be more like everyone else. I care way too much about what other people think of me. A sin that I have no idea how to confront. A trait that I have no idea how to change.

Everything in my life that's wrong right now is because of me. I am blessed by an amazing family and friends. The only area of flaw in my life is myself.

Too cocky. Too arrogant. Too self-absorbed. Too prideful. Too lazy. Too concerned.

I need a serious outlook readjustment...everything needs to be changed. Tomorrow I will spend time with my family, with my Bible, with my violin, with my diary, with God. Tomorrow I will spend time without my cell phone, without my make up, without my ipod, without my computer, without my Facebook.

I have to start somewhere otherwise I'll get nowhere. And that thought frightens me.

-Bekah

6-26-11

Tomorrow's my birthday. In like three hours I'm going to be 14...such a weird thought. We're at this cabin that we rented for a week. I sorta wish we were at home...there's nothing to do in this small dingy town. There's not a movie theatre, or even a mall, and only two tiny grocery stores! Tonight's Sunday night. We got here Saturday, about 11-ish. We unpacked, got situated, and then went on a 2 hour hike in the intense heat, got DQ ice-cream (<3), sat at the beach a little, went to the deserted grocery store, ate dinner, watched Chariots of Fire (lovelovelove), then went to bed. This morning, we sat around and read books and did nothing, then we went into "town" and fished (didn't get a single bite..), then I went for a run (felt soo good <3) came home, roasted hot dogs, ate DQ ice-cream AGAIN, watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding (hilarious), and now me, Peter and Abs are sitting here reading/writing. On the hike on Saturday, we got SOOO many ticks...I had 10, Abby had 13, and us as a family had well over 50. -__- I hate ticks.

I haven't texted since the 19th...almost 10 days. Freaking amazing.

Me, Abby & Grandma Sally went shopping at the MoA last Thursday for my birthday. I got an ADORABLE pair of jeans at Wet Seal (they make my butt look half-way decent <3), expensive Steve Madden sandals, a lace Charlotte Russe top with a bright yellow lace cami & bright blue cami that could go under it, with blue earrings to go with the blue cami. I also got round floral diamond-studded earrings and rhinestone black-feather earrings at Wet Seal.

Tomorrow's my birthday...doesn't even feel real. I'm so ready to be done with 13 and embark into 14. <3

-Bekah

6-27-11

I'm fourteen!! Wow...time goes fast. Dear God, help me not to waste a single second.

-Bekah

6-29-11

Today, on the boat (yes, we rented the boath again), Mom finished Keith Green's biography (No Compromise) written by his wife Melody Green, and I was bored and it looked interesting so I picked it up. I was hooked after the first chapter. It is a 500+ page book, and I finished it in 3 hours. I'm listening to his music right now. I'm sorta obsessed with him.

Anyway, the book really struck me. Keith and Melody dabbled in drugs and occult cults before finding God, and their lives were instantly transformed. Keith went from smoking grass to pouring himself out in front of sprawling crowds and bringing thousands to Christ in a single alter-call. His life suddenly had purpose and joy, and in the short 8 years he had before he died, God used him to minister to countless people searching for truth. He was a warrior, a prophet, a genius, and completely, utterly, 150% dedicated to God. He was so open to God's convinctions, so humble, so ready, always, to accept God's discipline and so willing to change, so eager to cast off every sin and vice, so committed to serving, so unselfish of every belonging (material and non-material) he called his own. He was an incredible person and I wish I could have been alive when he was. He's so inspiring to me. When God entered his life, he was utterly transformed.

*then I went on a long, personal rant about how I need to change. it was like 8 pages long. hahah.

-Bekah

7-1-11.

Hi. This pen is awful. We're home(: . I'm so tired. I like don't have a coherent thought. Jenna's getting a pool. I'm gonna like live at her house once she gets it. We're going to Chicago in two weeks. We're staying at the (family friend)'s house. I want to take a picture in the shiny bean thing. I'm listening to les Miserables music. I'm reading Bonhoeffer right now, but I'm gonna read Les Miserables net. I am in love with the music and story (literally<3), I should read the book. I haven't run in a long time...Hannah's in Australia. So jealous.

Me and Mom went shopping today. I got a short white floral skirt that I'm in love with and a white floral & rhinestone tank top from Maurices, and then a neon pink tank top and a light blue tank top from American Eagle. Dad and me and the sibs went to Mr. Popper's Penguins, BEST MOVIE EVER <3 .

Obsessed with Les Miserables.

-Bekah

who am I?

2011-06-07T13:47:00.001-07:00

Who Am I?

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like on accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

Compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!

*this is perfect for me right now...i am obsessed with this poem.

let it go

2011-05-06T15:57:00.000-07:00

I am a perfectionist. If you know me at all, than you know that much. I berate myself constantly if I fall short of any goal that I set for myself, whether it be in school, sports, or music. Everything gets me down, honestly....like I just got back from a track meet. I am extremely unhappy with my time.

See, I have this best friend named Hannah. We're in track together (she's the girl in the picture from the previous post). It was both of our first year in track. We're both decent, she's just very much better than me. Today her time was a good 20 seconds faster than mine. Her time was spectacular (beat the lettering time by 2 full seconds) and mine just wasn't.

I could be jealous of her for so many reasons. She was snow queen for our grade, everyone who knows her adores her, she's hilarious, she's so easygoing and friends with literally everyone, and a better runner than me. I'm struggling now with it, but I just gotta let it go.

There's always gonna be someone better than us, at everything we do. It is sorta depressing to think about, but no matter what we do or where we go, there will ALWAYS be someone that can do whatever you can do better. Doesn't that bother you? Doesn't matter if I run a 6 minute mile. There's always someone who can run fastaer. Doesn't matter if I graduate college at 19. There's always someone who's graduated earlier. Doesn't matter if I can play Vivaldi's Concerto number something-or-other. There's always someone who can play better than me. Doesn't matter if I get so many commments on my default. There's always someone who's prettier than me. Doesn't matter if I work so hard on my faith. There's always someone who is a better Christian than me.

You get what I'm saying? Gah it just goes on and on. I have to break that cycle. I have to accept me for who I am. I HAVE to.

I do feel better now that I wrote that out. Sorry that my post didn't move you to tears....I know there's so many better blogs out there. But thanks for reading mine...it helps to get my thoughts down.

so...up for a normal post ? (:

2011-05-01T15:15:00.000-07:00

Hey guys....its been way too long since I've written a normal, happy, teenage-girl post. I've kinda just blogged when I'm feeling emotional, and I don't want my blog to be a vent.

So I'll just kinda share some pictures, some thoughts and we'll see how this goes. (:

I just took literally like a 30 minute bubble bath; I lovelovelove relaxing things like that. This morning at my church we had a flash mob dance sort of thing; during the offering song, the whole NextGen program (the mentoring youth group) had a dance planned out, and it was, needless to say, incredibly fun. If there's a video or anything I can put up here, I will.

Tomorrow's Monday.....yuck. It's so close to summer that it sucks to be sitting in school when it looks gorgeous outside - even though we haven't been having the greatest weather lately. (:

^^^^^ I get bored .

And I like playing the violin.... (:

AND I LOVE PEOPLE <3

And also jeans (:

Hahah...I know this post sucked, but oh well. I tried.

Oh, my dad ran a half-marathon this morning, and I made varsity track. (: Kay bye.

-Bekah

perfect imperfections

2011-03-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to make little excuses for little mistakes. It's so easy to say, "Hey, God, don't get on my case, I only said it one time," or "Hey, God, what would you have done in this situation? I'm pretty sure I acted like anyone else would have acted, I didn't do anything wrong," or "Hey, God, I yelled at Peter today cuz I was crabby, I don't usually act like that, give me a break."

It's so easy to let the devil get a foothold, as they say. It's so easy to conform without even knowing you're doing it. It's so easy to change unconsciously, to be like everyone else.

When I was homeschooled, I didn't know anything about "the outside world"; if you're homeschooled, that happens. When I entered public highschool, I learned rapidly what was cool and what wasn't.

I changed how I did my hair. I changed how I did my makeup. I changed the way I dressed and the way I walked. I changed the way I laughed and the way I wrote. I changed the radio station I listened to. I changed the books I read and the music I bought. I changed my ideas of what was acceptable and what was not. I changed the things I talked about. I changed the way I view myself. And the list goes on..

You want the gist of it? I changed myself. Bit by bit. It started with my music and ended with my morals and now I've lost myself.

I've been a Christian on the good days. I've prayed when I remembered to, but my prayers are dead and meaningless...just words. But I feel like I am a good girl. I dont swear, I dont date, I dont make dirty jokes, I dont skip school, I dont do drugs, I dont smoke, I dont drink. So on the outside, I am a good girl. I'm respectable.

And that's exactly where the problem is. Society TELLS us who we are, and we HAVE to live up to that expectation. I HAVE to be skinny. I HAVE to be pretty. I HAVE to be popular. I HAVE to be smart. I HAVE to be funny. I HAVE to be athletic. I HAVE to excel at EVERYTHING I do, otherwise I am a FAILURE. I have to be able to wear size two jeans, otherwise I am a BAD person. I have to wear the cutest clothes otherwise I am a BAD person. I have to have a million cool friends, otherwise I am a BAD person. I HAVE to make varsity, otherwise I SUCK at life.

I have to be PERFECT, otherwise I am WORTHLESS.

That is what society tells us, as young women. WE HAVE TO FIGHT THAT. That is NOT the truth, that is lies. We CANNOT believe what they tell us, because we are SO much more than that. We CANNOT let that lie define us. We MUST look beyond what is smothering us, and know that we are MEANT for a different world. We MUST know that this world full of lies and deceit and crap is NOT all there is. We must TRUST that there is more to life than the constant battle for perfection and fitting in.

JUST BECAUSE society thinks that it can TELL us who we are, that DOES NOT MEAN that we have to listen to it! Today, girls, lets STEP ABOVE that, lets REFUSE to re-mold ourselves to fit into the world's patterns BECAUSE GOD MADE US FOR A DIFFERENT WORLD.

If you weigh 150 or 110, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If your face is blemished or unblemished, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you have a ton of friends or not that many, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you struggle with school or you dont struggle with school, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you make everyone laugh or just a couple people, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

If you can run the mile in six minutes or fifteen, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

You DO NOT have to live up to the world's standards, because it will fade away, and YOU will be left standing in front of God, and NOTHING ELSE WILL MATTER. Those jeans you spent all your money on? GONE. All those friends you had? Gone. Does God care how much you weighed? Does He care if you made varsity or JV? Does He care if you were popular? Does he care if you were funny?

NO.

Everything that the world tells you matters, DOESNT. As young women, we have to IGNORE the pull of the world.

Because guess what?

This. World. LIES. It does not tell you the truth. God is the only truth, and I have to GIVE my life to Him, otherwise I wasted it. I have to spend it GLORIFYING HIM, because He is the ONLY THING that matters.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. -Hebrews 12:1

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. John 15:19

The Loves of my Life

2011-02-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

#1. Running.

I love running more than anything else right now. I love pulling on my spandex underarmour tights, squeezing into my compression shirts, wiggling my fingers into running gloves, covering my head with a nike knit cap, tying up the laces of my shoes, stretching the muscles of my legs until they cry for mercy, twisting around until the muscles of my entire upper body are loose; and then opening the door and stepping out into the frosty winter atmosphere, hearing the snow crunch beneath my feet as I take in a deep breath and feel the sharp air bite my lungs; and then setting off. The wind chaps my nose and lips until they bleed and after the first one or two miles I lose all feeling in my fingers and toes. My body, my mind and my soul get into a rhythm, a groove, and I don't pull out until every particle of my mental and physical body is so exhausted that continuing on is not an option.

After a hard day at school, there is nothing that makes me feel better than lacing up my faithful tennis shoes and going for a 6 mile run.

#2. Shontelle & The Script.

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you?♥

-the script

"T-shirt" - Shontelle.

"Breakeven (Falling to Pieces)" - The Script.

"Impossible" - Shontelle.

#3. Black and White.

Photography.♥

(why is this picture sideways?? I dont know how to fix it. )

(^^^^the picture above was taken around the holidays, when I still had that 15 extra pounds sitting on my torso.)

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

-Bekah

my life be like, ooh ahh.

2011-02-01T16:16:00.000-08:00

To give you a break from all those morose posts I've been writing lately, I'm writing a post when I'm happy. So, enjoy, because the mood's not gonna last long. :)

I love school.

Before you start clapping with joy, let me explain. I love school, as in honors chemistry, AP english, AP geography. I love school, as in the subjects, as in learning.

I already have my whole life mapped out. Of course, I went those stages in my life where I was thoroughly convinced that I was gonna be a famous actress, then a singer, then a painter, then a photographer...you know all those dreams that we become rapidly fixated on and then discard just as quickly. But underneath these passing fads, I've always clung to Teacher as an occupation, and its becoming clearer and clearer that this is what I want to do.

If I do PSEO after sophomore year (which I am going to do), which would be when I was freshman age (15), then I would graduate college at 19, get my Masters in English at 21, and then phD at 23 or 24 and then I could start teaching college immediately. When I think of this, I know this is what God wants me to do. Sure, I'd be teaching kids just a year or so younger than me...but when have I let age hinder me from anything I want to do? My friends have always been older than me. I honestly don't have a good friend who is younger or even the same age as me. And now I'm in classes with sixteen to eighteen year olds. Who cares? Age doesn't matter to me anymore.

I love learning more than anything...I know that sounds incredibly nerdy, but its true. I read Biochemistry textbooks in my spare time. And now I'm beginning to love public school as well. Like sincerely. Yeah, obviously there's stuff that's hard for me. Like waking up at 5:00 AM every morning. Like leaving my house every day at 6:30, and seeing my little siblings growing up and not being there at home to experience it. But that just makes me want to spend every spare second I have with them, and I never felt that way before. My family was always a nuisiance to me, or at least something I took for granted...and now all I want to do when I get home is spend time with them. That is a gift straight from God and it's healing relationships faster than I ever thought possible.

I know this has nothing to do with anything, but I think it fits into the whole theme of happiness. I lost 10 pounds in the last month! I've always been insecure about my weight, always wishing I was skinnier. Then about a month ago, I went to the blood doctor for some tests, and they weighed me on their big official scale. 133 pounds. When I'm only 5'6". I freaked...133 lbs to me is overweight, or at least chubby. (I'm definitely not saying that if you weigh 133 that you are overweight.) So I got down to work. I cut about half of my daily intake of calories, and I started exercising obsessively. Sometimes I would only eat three eggs, carrots, and salad all day. For lunch, instead of bringing a whole bagel peanut butter sandwhich, energy bar, granola bar, apples, fruit snacks and raisans, I brought two hard boiled eggs and carrot. My friends tease me about those eggs, but I eat two every day for lunch, and thats it. I'm very proud of myself, I've kept up that diet almost all this month. For breakfast, I have some form of egg, usually a fried one with a little bit of salt. For dinner, I like salad, sometimes a soup or a small serving of pasta. I usually eat some sort of green with dinner, like broccoli. I am down to 123 pounds...and still dropping! I've started speed and strength with my friends after school and I'm starting track soon. I feel incredible. (:

Sorry this was a short post. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of posting regularly. Not promising anything, but I'll try. I'm off to running. (:

Until later,

Bekah

PS. Got asked to the winter formal! (:

You Can't Define My Worth

2011-01-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not the shoes I wear, I'm not the clothes I buy
I'm not the house I live in, I'm not the car I drive
I'm not the job I work, You can't define my worth
By nothing on God's green earth, my identity is found in Christ.

Everything in this world is upside down. The things that should not matter, suddenly occupy my every moment. And the things that do matter, are cast aside, are left behind, are subconsciously shoved into a dark corner of my mind and forgotten. It's a new year, but nothing seems to have changed. Nothing is different, but everything is different. I changed...and I've been entombed in this new Bekah for so long that I can't go back to the old Bekah. Nothing has changed, but everything has changed. Nothing is different, but everything is different.

Identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self destruct.

Writing used to be, quite literally, my life...I would live in the worlds I created, I would breathe the air that I produced, I would act the characters that flowed from my fingertips. How can something that used to be everything to you suddenly mean nothing to you? I try to write, but I've lost it. I've lost the way with words that I used to have. I wrote two pages yesterday, forced myself to write them, forced myself to pretend the way things used to be.

They wont like me if I ain't in them J's or them brand new Nikes,
Lets dig deeper inside my pysche
When it's all said and done even I don't like me

When things are going my way, I'm happy. When I go shopping, when I have a good day at school, when I'm hanging out with a friend, I am happy. But my mood goes up and down, up and down, constantly in flux, never steady. The little things matter the most to me. I get more upset over the fact that I didnt get to see a friend than the fact that day by day I am spending less and less time with my siblings....Everything is backwards, upside down. I'm lost, I've fallen down the rabbit hole and am in a strange world in which I know nothing about. Without my Jesus, nothing makes sense, nothing gives me joy, I am constantly preoccupied with chasing dust bunnies while my soul is crying out for something more...something deeper. Some people might be content with following the wind, but I long for somewhere I can call home. Life seems so meaningless, I need Jesus, I need hope that this is not all there is.

Got her hair done, toes and nails
Is that Her? well it's hard to tell
Cause she's so caked up in so much make up
It's like she's tryna make up for what she ain't.

Silver jeans, a Guess sweater, Ugg boots, Charlotte Russe earrings, all those things are nice, but they cannot be my identity. I AM NOT THE CLOTHES I BUY. These things are so trivial, so unimportant! So why are they my life?? Why do I spend so much money and energy and thought on clothes, on appearence, on my hair, on my friends?

How do I gauge success, why do I say I'm blessed?
Is it the car that I drive or the place that I rest or the way that I dress?

Dear Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for how childish I have been. Forgive me for how much time I have wasted, forgive me for how I have ignored you. Worshiping you is the only reason I am on this earth, and yet I have let everything distract me, pull me away from the purpose of life. I want to be a part of your kingdom, I want to be yours...FOREVER.

To live is Christ yeah that's Paul I recall
To die is gain so for Christ we give it all
He's the treasure you'll never find in the mall
Your money your singleness marriage talent and time
They were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is Divine
That's why it's Christ in my rhymes
That's why it's Christ all the time
My whole world is built around him He's the life in my lines,
I refuse to waste my life
He's too true ta chase that ice.
all quotes by lecrae, "identity" and "dont waste your life"

I don't want to be a part of something I don't believe in. I don't want to do the same old every day...I want to be real, deep, new. God, I'm so sorry for taking this long to realize that.

that other half

2010-12-18T07:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Jenna, my other half. My best friend for as long as I can remember. The one who knows me better than I know myself.

Jenna, life is hard - I don't know why God has given you and me our seperate burderns, but I know that he has given me you to help me get through.

I'm not saying our friendship is perfect. But it is the best friendship I have ever had, or will ever have. in fact I can far enough to say that it is more than just a friendship: you are my family.You are my sister and I love you.

God's given me you to help me laugh when I want to cry. He's given me you to listen, to help me carry my burdens with perserverance. He's given me you to punch me when I need you to, to wrestle with me, to mess up my perfect hair-do, to remind me that the simple joys in life are the ones we choose to overlook. He's given me you to help me see through the lies and barriers that I put up around myself. By simply being there, Jenna, you have saved my life.

We were little third graders, awkward around each other. We were maturing fifth graders, shy around each other. We were seventh graders, with our ridiculous hair. Now we are eighth graders (well..you are:), and I want you to be my best friend until I die.

Thank you...for everything. You've helped me hold on to myself and to God when all I wanted to do was let go. Love you, Smee.

me. my life.

2010-11-21T13:55:00.000-08:00

So often, we lose sight of ourselves. Like, you know. "Conforming." That word that big Christians use to describe something that everybody does: Changing. Not maturing, not growing up, but changing in the sense of unconsciously making your life look like someone else's life, making your quirks like someone else's quirks. You know how that goes. We've all done it. Conforming. Comparing. Changing.

I'll use a simple example from my own life. All my life, I've always left my hair down, done nothing to it. I've always let frizz control it, because I never knew anything other than that. The only variety I had was sometimes I pinned back my bangs, with the bobby pin dorkily sticking out from my head. And you know what? I didn't really care. And my hair was so healthy - true, it looked rather unattractive. But like I said I didn't care. Now I tease my hair to ridiculous heights; I bouffant it; I french braid my bangs instead of clamping them flat to my head with a bobby pin; I curl it; I straighten it; I crimp it. This is definitely not a bad thing. I thank the good Lord that I finally know how to do my hair. I can use another example that's not good, how I've tried to change so I'm more like everyone else.

But Regina Spektor explained it quite well:

everybody's features have somehow started blending, and everything is plastic, and everyone's sarcastic, and all your food is frozen, it needs to be defrosted.

If everyone is like everyone else, then there's no such thing as freedom. If the world's definition of normal is fake, and everyone is obsessed with being normal, then there's no such thing as real.

I just can't do fake anymore. I've been down that road, and it leads nowhere.

But you know, there's two sides of the spectrum. Faking fake, and faking real. Faking real is just as bad as faking fake; worse, maybe. Painting yourself as a person who you want everyone to see as perfect. Perfect religion. Perfect life. Perfect emotions always perfectly in control. Always with a perfect smile on your face, always with the perfect verse on your lips.

I've also been there, and it only results in hopelessness, emptiness and desperation.

When I try to be someone I'm not, whether it be the perfect Christian or the perfect Fake, everything gets screwed up. I get screwed up. I guess God just made it so that we are who we are, and we just have to accept that.

Maybe I don't have enough money to have as many clothes as this girl does. Maybe I don't have enough hairspray to rat my hair into a brick wall. Maybe I'm not the skinniest, or the prettiest, or the funniest. There's always someone that in our eyes is "better" than us. Maybe they're five pounds lighter. Maybe their family is five dollars richer. But so what. I just have to learn to not care anymore.

The only way to be real is to be me.

old picture.

a point?

2010-10-24T16:35:00.000-07:00

What will I be doing twenty years from now? Where will I be? More importantly, who will I be?

Will any of this stuff that seems to take up my life even matter anymore? Will I have forgotten the drama that seems to be everywhere? Will I be able to look back on the things that made me cry and be able to laugh, or even smile?

Who are the people that will be surrounding me, twenty years from now? Will any of the friendships that I am investing in now last that long?

Will I still be doing the things I'm doing right now twenty years from now? Am I spending my time doing the right things, the things that will stay with me?

Am I focusing on the things that should be focused on? Am I spending time on the relationships that really matter versus the ones that don't?

Sometimes you just gotta stop and ask, what am I doing that's worthwhile? I think we get caught up so easily in the things that are so pointless - drama, for instance. The whole she-said he-said cycle. Dont you just kinda get sick of that? Some people just love that, though. No offense, but I have never been able to stomach drama. Its stupid, and pointless, and half of the time it's completely ridiculous. You just gotta laugh at how immature some people can be.

I've mentioned my old diaries before - I read them and re-read them a lot. I used to be so obsessed with Webkinz. You know those cute little furry creatures that took over the world for a brief period of time? They were everywhere. Everyone had them. I was so caught up in saving up money so I could buy a Webkinz - then when I got my first one, I immediately started pooling my money so I could buy another one. I spent almost a hundred dollars on Webkinz. Now, just a year or two later, I've completely forgotten about all of my Webkinz - I lost them all. My account has long expired.

See, I was so engrossed in Webkinz, it was like practically my life. There was one specific entry where I was completely flipping out because my mommy hadnt let me go on Webkinz for three days. Like I was saying I hated her because she didn't let me go on Webkinz.

Pathetic? Yeah, I know.

But it was just a phase. Webkinz: I thought it was life or death. But a short while later, I forgot about it.

What if everything I think is important is really trivial? What if everything I spend my time on is pointless because a year later I will be doing completely different things? And how do I know what is important and what isnt?

And that's rhetorical. I do know what's important and what's not.

But it's so easy to get caught up in that, you know? Its so easy to know but to just not care anymore.

Sorry for all the heavy posts lately - it's good to sit down and write after all the ditzy things that I do all the rest of the day.

I do love you guys. Have a great Sunday night. :)

thanks for messing up my mind

2010-09-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

whats wrong with the world, mama? -black eyed peas

What do you do when people around you twist everything you say into a cruel or wrong or bad joke?

"The bottom of this stupid pizza is crunchy"

My "friends" turned that into something they laughed about for ages.

What do you do when people talk about stuff that shouldnt be talked about and they do it as casually as if they were discussing what they are gonna have for lunch?

What do you do when your "friend" tells you she french-kissed her boyfriend over the weekend, when you havent even held hands with a boy?

What do you do when you show up at school wearing a scoop-necked t-shirt and then you see all the other girls parading around in short skirts and strapless tops?

What do you do when you realize the people that hang around you are not good people and they are bad influences? (I ignored them over lunch and ate with a different group of friends. They swore at me afterwards. Its uncomfortable to have someone hate you, did you know that?)

What do you do when you get so fed up with the crap around you that you want to throw something or bash someones teeth in?

Do you, can you, throw something or bash someones teeth in?

Of course not.

So what do you do?

Hide it behind a grin, a forced laugh?

Isnt this supposed to be getting easier, God?

Because news flash...it isnt.

a silent scream

2010-09-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

Its funny how one place can feel like a second home, and another place not so different from the first place can feel so foreign.

Its funny how easily people judge other people not so different from themselves.

Its funny how someone's day can be going great and then a single comment can completely ruin it.

Its funny how thoughtless people can be.

Its funny how fast words can pour out of a persons mouth when they're not thinking about what they're saying.

Its funny how condescending people can act towards someone just a few years younger than them.

Its funny how words - mere verbal syllables - can wound someone so acutely, how sounds can cut deeper than a knife.

Its funny how someone can be so repulsed by someone else's behavior, but act that way themselves.

Its funny how everyone tries so hard to be like everyone else.

Its funny how cruel people can be to other people different from them.

Its funny how a person can be so incredibly nice but has no friends because people judge him because of his weight.

Its funny how I can write that sentence but still feel almost ashamed walking with him through the hallways.

Its funny how people talk to someone, laugh with her, maybe even flirt with her - but completely back off when they find out she's two years younger than them.

But its funny how some people couldnt care less if that someone was thirteen or fifteen.

Its funny how vital appearence is

Its funny how someone can live in a world and not understand any of it.

Its funny how someone is forced to go from extreme shelterdness to extreme exposure and is expected to thrive.

Its funny how someone can go their whole life without hearing a swear word and then grow accostomed to hearing curses as a casual part of conversation.

Its funny how empty someone can feel.

I dont understand. I go to school and I sit in classes and walk through hallways and get taught things by teachers, and I notice things. I write them down. I study them like I study chemistry. And after two and a half weeks I have more questions than I have had my whole life.

This has nothing of substance in relation to this post. But sometimes people write things out of pure emotion even if it doesnt make sense, and thats what I'm about to do right now. I apologize.

I've mentioned before how much I hate chemistry. Not the subject. The class.

Well today a boy walked up to me and looked at my worksheet and saw my name printed on the top.

Rebekah Shaffer.

He said to the girl beside him, "what if you changed the 'a' to an 'i'? Rebekah Sh*tter." The people around him cracked up.

And I turned around and I'm like, "It's Rebekah Shaffer." He and his friends are almost in tears because they were laughing so hard.

And he goes, "Aren't those ts?"

And I say, "Fs." And he goes, "Oh well they look like t's. Cya, Rebekah Sh*tter." And they all laugh again and walk back to their seats.

That hurt. It hurt that they called me that, but it hurt more that they were laughing so hard at me. I have a lot of pride. I felt so angry. Yes, call me sensitive. but I get bothered by this stuff. That experience put a pain in my chest that hasnt gone away yet.

And the little things people say hurt too. When someone calls you a b*tch cuz you accidently bump into them, that hurts. When people refer to you as as "you" because nobody knows who you are, that bothers me too.

You know what I cannot stand?

People treating me like I'm a child.

Yes, I may be three years younger than you, but you do NOT have to treat me like I go to elementary school and sharpen crayons all day.

And you know what, jerk? I may be three or four or maybe even five years younger than you. But YOU'RE the one who got a C- on the chemistry test. And you know what I got? An A.

I'm NOT stupid.

I dont understand. Any of this crap.

Help?

I have to say...God pulls through.

2010-09-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

Yes. That's me. Still smiling. After two weeks of public school.

It didnt kill me, did it? In fact...I like it.

Scratch that.

I love it.

I love seeing my friends every day. (you read that right. I have friends!) I love the shiny halls. I love laughing so hard I can't breathe during lunch. I love the teachers. I love my classmates.

Well, most of them. I hate chemistry. I'm in classes with people sixteen, seventeen, even eighteen years old and most of them are cool about it. But the honors chemistry students? Not so cool with it.

First day, second period. Honors Chem. I walked in, and knew I would be in trouble. It got out in the class that I was thirteen and technically in eighth grade. The whole class interrogated me about why I was there. Literally, they asked, "Why the h*** are you here?!"

Nice choice of words, classmates-o-mine.

Anyways. They haven't forgotten it. I can feel them watching me during quizzes and lectures. We correct quizzes by giving them to our partners to check. I know that my partner shares my quiz scores with everyone in the class afterwards.

Because they're all so intent on watching the thirteen-year-old eighth grader.

I feel the pressure. I cried yesterday after school. I cried today. I will cry tomorrow.

But the truth is, I love it. But its hard. I hate the pressure. I hate feeling like everyone is watching me. I hate that all the juniors and seniors know about me and my "smartness". (by the way. I'm not smart.)

Just today on the bus, I was hanging with my bud Brian and I met a whole bunch of his friends, one of who was in my AP English class. He asked me, "Bekah, you're a new junior?"

I hated to say the words that came out of my mouth next, but I couldnt lie. "No, I'm a freshman."

He swore. Not surprisingly.

But what he said next stuck out at me- "Wow, thanks for making me feel stupid."

I wish that I could be his age, so that I wouldnt cause that kind of feeling in people. Because who likes to hang around someone who makes you feel stupid?

But the rest of my classes I love. I love the people in my Algebra II class. Oleg, Jessica, Natalie, Shae. Love, love, love. Funniest teacher ever. Geometry. Not so much. They're all older and think they're so cool cuz they can add numbers in their head. AP English. Amazing. Tons of amazing people. Epic teacher. AP Geography. Ehh. Not bad. World History Reading with Mr. Haropat = funn (: .

I wrote this down for the sake of rememberance...I remember how scared I was. I remember how terrible the first day was. I remember how many hard days I had.

But it's only gotta get easier from here. Thank God.

Doesn't mean I'm not gonna have hard days, and I'm gonna cry some more...but for now. I need sleep. (:

be brave? ehhh.

2010-09-06T07:45:00.000-07:00

Ever done something you dont want to do? No seriously...I'm not talking about doing the dishes when you want to hang with a friend. I'm talking about something a little bigger. Even having a sleepover with a friend you don't really like, and listening to her when you just want her to leave. That counts.

How about a new school? How about skipping a grade? How about starting a new highschool as a young freshman and enrolling in classes with juniors and seniors? Does that sound fun? Does that sound enjoyable? Hmm?

No? Yeah. It doesnt sound fun to me either.

Huge school. Tons of kids - over three hundred in the ninth grade. All of them know each other. I'm dead serious.

I dont have a ton to say right now. I overthink everything, therefore I'm extremely nervous.

Its so much easier to stay within your comfort zone then do something hard. But I feel like God wants me to do this. He has been giving me little signs, little pushes. Homeschooling has nothing for me anymore. It might be the right way for some people. But I'm tired of the shelter, I need the real world in order to be real. I'm not saying homeschooling isn't the real world. But it definitely isn't a realistic world. Its too good.

So...you are just sitting there reading this, maybe feeling a little sympathy. Maybe. But I'm sitting here writing this and feeling a lot of fear. So yeah. We'll see how this goes.

what's tangible

2010-07-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

Ever get to the point where so many things are wrong that you just lay in bed wondering where you even start to mend? Broken relationships, insecurity, doubts and fears of equal measure, and this overwhelming deadness inside that's frightening to ponder on. Also, what do you do when you reach the point where you dont know yourself anymore? How do you fix that? "Hey self, let's get reacquainted because you are a total stranger to me right now." Yeah, I dont think so.

I look at myself just a year ago. I read diaries from just a short year ago. And I'm a totally different girl. My friends notice it and my family notice it. Just a year ago, I didnt care heck what people thought about me. I wish I could say the same now, but it's exactly the opposite. I've changed. Not in the maturing way. Everyone matures. I'm changing. My moral standards are lowering. I spend less and less time with God. Things are shifting. My core is adjusting to the world. My inner compass is spinning out of control.

Those metaphors are all very nice but the truth is. I dont know me anymore. And when you get to that point, where you're so strung out you dont even know yourself, its hard to change.

I want to change. My week in Rapid City helped me realize that. I cried my eyes out the last night when we got our feet washed because God opened my eyes to everything I'm doing that is not like myself.

If I be honest with myself (which is really painful to do), then I have to come to the conclusion that I'm conforming. Is it my choice of friends that is encouraging that conformation? I could say yes. Then I can blame other people. I do hang out with a variety of people, from strict Christians to kids very lax in their faith (or dont have any at all). But I cannot blame that on them because regardless of my surroundings it shouldn't affect my inner being. So whose fault is it, really? Mine. completely mine.

The little choices I find myself making disturb me. Reading Harry Potter instead of my Bible. Listening to my iPod before bed instead of praying. Forgetting God during the day instead of having Him be my constant companion. These things pile up and before I know it, I never read my Bible, I never pray, and I never think about God, ever. I focus on the tangible things, and make those things more important. I forget the non-tangible: God. Faith. Heaven. Jesus. Everything that is truly vital I push to the side.

these things are important...

...but when they replace God? When they shunt Him out? Friends are so beautiful. I am so blessed by my amazing friends. But I'm so busy with them. Constantly hanging out with them or planning another time. And that's just one example. What about Facebook? What about my cell phone? Oh and what about my appearance. I worry about that a lot.

Do you see what I mean? These things are good things. But they have become much much much too important to me. I cling onto what is tangible. And completely forget what is really important.

Today, I just looked around me. I'm drifting away from my family. I realized I don't run to my mom like I used to. I don't pray before bed with my sister like I used to. When was the last time me and my older brother had a down-to-earth talk? I never spend time with my younger brother anymore. He asks and begs and pleads and I keep saying no and before long he's not even gonna ask. And just today my dad asked if I wanted to go to Caribou and I immediately said no because who needs the calories that a Caribou has? Why the heck am I turning it down because of the calories? I should treasure the time it would offer one-on-one with my daddy.

I wish I could end this post on something hopeful, something suggesting rapid change. But I couldnt come up with anything that would be true. What do you want me to say? Want me to lie and say that tomorrow morning I'll probably wake up and go to church and sing my heart out and cry over the sermon? Do you want me to say that I'll immediately feel a vibrance inside and a realness and a certain life that belies Christ? Because both you and me know that that's impossible.

All I can say is that I'm trying. I'm trying to live life the right way. I'm trying to do my best. I'm trying to honor everyone and make the right choices.

But is that enough? I dont know anymore.

Truth be told, I dont know anything anymore.

Sorry...but life is way too busy

2010-07-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

This is a short post to apologize for my lack of posting and explain why. Life is BUSY. I'm trying to enjoy summer (I'm going to go put lemon juice in my hair and then lay in the sun...lemon juice lightens your hair, you know) and blogging just doesn't fit into the schedule. I'm leaving for my mission trip on the 18th (I WILL post pictures when I come back, I promise) and life just flies by. Blogging isn't working for me anymore.

So I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to take a little break...for how long, who knows. I won't delete my blog or anything like that, but I just wont update it very frequently. If you want to stay in touch, you can click on my Facebook badge and become friends, or you can just email me. Cause I have tons of blogging chums that I dont want to drift away from.(:

With that, I take my leave.

just in one of those moods

2010-06-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

Am sitting here on my laptop at 10:17 PM feeling very lonely. Very, very lonely. When I am in sad moods, my writing improves immensely (you should see what I write when I'm actually happy...very, very poor writing), so I do need to go write. I shouldn't waste this terrible mood.

Everyone in the house is sleeping. My room is dark. And lonely. I hate when I start crying and I don't know why. I can't blame anyone and I can't make any excuses for my tears. All of a sudden I'm just crying. Like right now. Why am I crying? I don't even know. That is what I hate the most.

After five hours of weeding and a visit at a friend's house that seemed to drag on forever, I'm exhausted. The weeding was fine, the friend's house was fine. My day has been fine. I was actually in a really good mood the whole day...but on the drive home from the visit, I suddenly just became...sad. Really sad. I wish I could tell you some really good reason why I'm sad so that I could receive a plethora of sympathetic commens. But there's no good reason. No new reason, I should say. Everything that I feel sad about has been making me feel sad for a long time, so tonight's feelings are nothing new.

I don't mean to make my blog a vent. But I feel so alone right now. It's late night and there's nobody I can call, nobody I can text, nobody I can chat. It comforts me to think that someone will read what I write, somehow it lessens the loneliness. Maybe I should just go to bed. But I wouldn't fall asleep, I would just lay there and pity myself.

I hate pitying myself because I know there is nothing I need to pity myself about. I have a beautiful family, beautiful friends, beautiful abilities and beautiful opportunities. But even though I know I shouldn't pity myself doesn't make me stop pitying myself.

So I'll just shut up now. And go write. Seems like that's all I can ever do anymore. Just write. I can't keep friendships, I can't sleep well, I can't hold my tongue, and I can't stop focusing on this world more than God.

Now I'm done. For real. Bye.

let this week last forever

2010-06-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world, I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together, I'm falling apart

Slow me down, don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down
Emmy Rossum

I turn thirteen on Sunday. It feels like my life has flown by me so fast. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was excited about going to China. That was eight years ago. It seems like just yesterday when I was escastic about creating my bank account. That was three years ago. It seems like just yesterday I moved up into the junior high group at church as a seventh-grader. That was a year ago. Now I'm the one welcoming the seventh-graders...I feel so old. I'm ninth-grade, a highschooler, in the fall. In two school years, I'm starting college classes full-time.

I'll be done with college at twenty years old. It'll be weird, to be twenty. Before I know it, I will be twenty. Time goes by that fast. It'll seem like just yesterday that I was on the verge of a teenager, looking towards thirteen, saying good-bye to twelve. Coming to terms with growing-up.

Let this week last forever. Let it be the longest week of my life. Let it be a single week that doesn't fly by me at the speed of sound. Let it be a week in which I can breathe and in which I can reflect...and let Sunday dawn on me, ready to be a teenager. I don't want to be sad to be a teenager. I'm excited, but there is a seed of sadness that I hope will be uprooted over the week. I want to look to the future with happiness.

But for now? I look at these pictures, telling the story of my life. Sunday will come, too fast. Growing up will come too fast. But it is not a bad thing, growing up. There's no need for nostalgia. But I can still feel a twinge of it in my chest as I scroll through my pictures...

And that's me now. But in the blink of an eye, it will be five years from now. God help me appreciate life before the time slips away.

It will be called the Way of Holiness

2010-06-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

I laugh.

I am surrounded by friends always. I have a group that follow me everywhere. When I walk in, I am smothered in hugs and "guess what?"s.

I'm never alone.

Life looks good for me.

But at night, my ghosts still haunt me - my memories still dog my every step.

Youth group Wednesday. All my beautiful friends. I went out to eat with my best friend, her mentor, and my mentor before youth group. Applebees was delish, not to mention very fun.

Later in the evening, me and my friends head outside after a large-group talk. We have a choice to do floor hockey or sidewalk chalk, and we all end up doing chalk, but slack off and talk instead. As my friend says something funny, and I start laughing, a young eighth-grader who wasn't new but never made any friends walks by with a piece of chalk in her hand. She looks at me, and then her eyes wander over my group of friends who were all sitting with me.

And my smile fades, because I see this deep longing in her eyes for what I have.

Friends.

Someone to talk to through the hour and a half at church which can seem so very long when alone. Someone to laugh with and someone that will say goodbye to her when she has to leave. Someone to listen to her when she has a bad day and cry with her when she needs it. Someone to tease her because that's what friends do.

I have had that blessing of friends all my life. I have no recollection of ever sitting alone, of ever feeling on the outside; because I never have been on the outside. I've always been in the center. At church, in sports, in my neighborhood. I've always had many people that hug me bye when I leave and run up to me when I come in.

I knew what the girl wanted. I knew that it would have made her whole entire week if I had just walked away from my friends and said hi to her.

But you know what I did?

I looked away. I didn't do anything, except ignore her until she walked away. I purposefully let her know that she's unwanted and that she doesn't belong with my friends.

When she finally walked away, I felt something rush up in me. For once, the friends that surrounded me sickened me. I hated them for dulling my sense of awareness. Because they've loved me unconditionally, I can never relate to the girl on the outside, because that's never been me. It just hasn't been.

Then I realized how stupid I was to be angry at my friends. It's my fault that I never reach out. That I stay in my comfort zone and shrug "who cares about that girl? This is about me and appearing invulnerable."

This girl is going on the mission trip with my church that I am going on with several of my friends. We had a meeting about the trip last Sunday. We were supposed to share why we wanted to go on the trip. You know what the girl said?

"I'm going on the mission trip because I want to make friends."

That struck me hard. She wants to make friends. That's all she wants. She just wants one friend that will be there for her.

Next Wednesday, I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to walk up to her and introduce myself. I'm not going to lie: she doesn't look like the funnest person to be around, she looks like a young child and kind of annoying. But I am not going to let that control whether or not I talk to her. She is probably a wonderful girl, ignored because of her physical appearence. I have seen her walk around alone all year, but I pushed away the thought of reaching out because I didn't want her to be my friend.

She needs a friend. That's a need that is very important for her, and I can fill that need. Why did I hesitate all year?

Because I had an image that I needed to keep up, and having her be my friend would destroy the image. I wouldn't look cool hanging out with her, because she doesn't look like a cool person typically looks like. All my other friends are cool. Why should I want a non-cool friend?

The root of this is image. I worry too much about what other people think. It hurts to acknowledge that. It hurts to realize that. But it's true. It's so true.

This will be the first small step of reaching out. It will be the first stone taken out of the wall that I have built around myself. It will be the first risk I take. I pray it won't be the last.

Isaiah 35

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.

Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;

Say to those with fearful hearts,
"Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you."

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.

The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it.

No lion will be there,
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,

And the ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

I crack myself up sometimes...

2010-06-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

When I was seven, I thought tanning was for old people. A year later, I would purposefully "forget" to put on sunscreen so I would maybe get a tan when I would play outside. I just got burnt.

When I was nine, I thought if you carried a purse around it made you weird. At ten, I got my first purse for a birthday present from a friend and began using it.

When I was ten, boys had the cooties. To talk to one would be like sentencing yourself to a slow and painful death of cooties. (I never called it "cooties" of course...that would be too childish). I thought they were "soooo" weird. A few months later, the neighborhood boys became some of my best friends.

When I was eleven, I thought wearing make-up made you shallow. I detested everything about it and positively refused to wear even the slightest bit of lip-gloss. A year later, I began wearing it and appreciate it to death. I dropped the judgement of "you wear make-up, you're shallow."

When I was twelve, wearing ripped jeans made you immodest and disgusting. A few months later I bought my first pair of ripped jeans and wore them every day until they were worn to a thread.

When I was twelve and a half, I thought texting was extremely annoying and superficial. Fast forward a few months, and I text. All the time. (Just kidding...?)

A few months ago, I thought Justin Bieber sounded like a girl and looked like he was thirteen years old. I also thought he was extremely annoying. Now, as of this week...? Well...lets just say I don't think that anymore. He does look like a wittle baby, but some of his songs are super cool.

And just for the record...I'll probably be sick of him by next Tuesday. I'll let you all know. ^_-

Oh and please ignore the black nail polish...I was feeling moody the day I did my nails.

Hitting the Cereal Boxes at One in the Morning - My AWESOME Weekend!

2010-06-14T16:05:00.000-07:00

I feel like such an insomniac. Owl City.

Friday: I drank too much coffee at once (two cups downed in twenty minutes and then another cup a few hours later). I was nervous because I was running a 5k the next day, and coffee seemed the perfect outlet. The result? A splitting headache that lasted hours (thank God for Advil!). Because of that I felt irritable and tired, so I went to bed early. By early, I mean 8:15. Very early.

I turned over to go to sleep. I lay there, listening to my family watch the World Cup for an hour. Then they came upstairs, and my older brother began to play Red on his electric guitar...huge mistake. I had Red's new songs stuck in my head all night. "I need you with me as I enter the shadows."

I lay there and I lay there and I lay there. I turned this way and then I turned that way and then I lay on my back and then I lay on my stomach and then I put my pillow over my head....long story short, it was extremely difficult to go to bed.

In fact, I didn't fall asleep until about four in the morning. I remember laying there and watching the neon figures on my digital clock move slowly, ever so slowly. Do you know how stressful it is to realize that you are running a 5k at nine o'clock the next morning and you can't go to sleep to save your dang life?

Yeah, we were running a 5k the next morning, at the crack of dawn. (Nine o'clock. Ouch.) I have run a 5k before - just not an official 5k. I have run 3.10 miles at my community center at least five times, so I don't know what the big deal was...but it was a big deal.

So what do I do when I can't go to sleep (believe me, I have had this problem before)? I read my Bible for a while, then try to go to sleep again (which usually doesn't work). But I always fall back on my Momma. I wake her up (she doesn't appreciate that, but she never complains), she prays for me or talks with me for a while until I get sleepy, and that's that. But Friday night, it didn't work. I lay on the floor in her room (went in there twice...), then she came into my room, back and forth. It was insane. That lasted until midnight.

Then we both realized at the same time we were hungry. We were both completely wide-awake, so we got out of bed and went downstairs.

We ate cereal at one o'clock in the morning, looking at maps, figuring out where my mom was born, where my dad was born, where my uncle was born, etc. Momma and I stayed down there for about forty-five minutes. We were joking about how eating cereal at one in the morning was definitely a blog-worthy subject. ;-)

I decided I was good and tired enough when I started putting the cereal box into the cabinet above the phone. But I wasn't. It took another three hours, at the least, to fall asleep. It. Was. Crazy.

Saturday: You know what was crazier, though? I ran a 5k on two hours of sleep (yeah, I woke up at six and couldn't get back to bed because I was so nervous...). It was running on a whole different level. I almost tripped because I was so groggy (that was embarrassing).

It was hard, I'm not going to lie. My time was twenty-eight minutes. I would be extremely unhappy of that, unless I had that excuse of two hours of sleep. Usually I can run it in barely twenty-six minutes.

Anyways, I had a lot of fun taking pictures. I'm so proud of my siblings. My older brother beat me by three whole minutes. My dad was at twenty-three minutes. My mom came in right after Daddy. Ab and Pete were stunning in their so-and-so meter dashes. Ab was second in her age-group, and Pete was first.

Peter is a complete stud in the making. Look at that adorable smile.

After the 5k, we went out to eat and then marched in a parade around my uncle's float (he's running for state senator :-). I admit, I didn't want to go. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep. But it was fun...even though it was pouring rain. A little kid started laughing at me. But other than that, it was good. (I did get a can of Diet pop...that's always a big plus :-)

My mom, my sister and I watched Julie & Julia that afternoon when we got back from the parade. It was so funny, I was laughing the whole time. And very inspiring.

I went to bed at seven o'clock that night.

Sunday: I got up early to straighten my hair, and at eight thirty my family piled into the car and drove to church. Jenna came over afterwards.

After several hours of beautous fun, Jenna and I went to a BBQ with our church, which was insanely fun. It's just one of those things that are so amazing that you can't describe it.

Jenna's another one of those things that you can't describe....she's just Jenna. Jenna is amazing - everyone who knows her knows that. I'm completely honored to be friends with her - scratch that, we're not just friends, she's my sister! Duh! :-)

Monday (technically not part of the weekend...but hey. I don't ever follow rules; that's boring.): I had a violin lesson in the morning, the last one until June fifth. I am gonna miss my teacher. Then I rushed home and babysat for four hours. I have a steady job all summer, every Monday. :-)

We built a fort in the woods with damp maggot-ridden wood. It is an awesome fort, if I do say so myself. :-)

I made pizza a few minutes ago. I still have flour under my fingernails. I can smell its aroma filling the house. Yum.

I joined a group of writer-girls on Blogger who are doing thirty thousands words in the month of June. I'm at almost five thousand words. I know, I know. I stink. So I resolved to start writing as soon as I finish this post and stay up as long as it takes to reach ten thousand words, at least. Crazy? Yes. But crazy describes me, my life, and my friends....why not my writing?

Beautiful Awel's New Meme: 2'sday!

2010-06-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

My lovely friend Awel over at Shilah is having a new meme called 2'sday. Her description of it:

A lot of girls' blogs are trying to find something edifying, real, beauitful, and inspiring to post. This gives you that opportunity. Tuesdays here (and maybe on your blogs) are going to have two themes. These themes are going to be two things that I've thought about during the past week, that have challenged and inspired me which I'll pass on to you. Those two things can be something I've read in a book, lyrics of a song, a quote from a famous person, a Bible verse, pictures, memories, or just something that's been laid on my heart—it's simply something that's made you slow down and think. It's a simple way to share your heart with your followers, to let yourself be real to them.

{1} I have been feeling...confused. Confused about my friends in particular - and also about myself. A lot of my friendships have been unraveling, you know? Like suddenly out of the blue, this friend stops talking to me. And I abruptly find myself being really annoyed by another friend, who I used to love to death. And I get in a fight with yet another friend and make up and think everything's going fine and it's not. And then this other friend hurt me, but I can't talk about it to anyone because it hurts too badly.

I don't know what to do in all of these situations - talk about it, forget about it, get ticked about it, cry about it?

Over the past year, part of the discussion my youth group had was about conflict and how to solve it. Jesus tells us to go to the person we have a problem with and talk about it, regardless of whether it's my fault or her fault. We don't wait until that person comes to us - we go to them.

So this week I will try to talk about conflict with these friends. It will hurt, yes. It will be awkward, uncomfortable, and probably will end badly. Some of my friends I don't even want to be friends with anymore - but I don't want to be enemies. Acquaintances, maybe. I'll know them but I won't know them. That's better than being bitter about them.

Friends are a blessing from God, and I need to treat them as such. But some friendships just don't work out. Period. And that isn't something to be angry about or cry about. It's just a fact, that I need to accept.

And besides, I have so many friendships that do work out. And I thank God for these besties every day.

{2} This has not only been a confusing week but a weird week. For several reasons...

I got a frightening email from a friend - frightening as in disturbing. It went places I didn't want to go. I feel so weird now...being a girl can be a bewildering thing sometimes. I feel compelled to reply and end anything that this friend thought was going on...I don't want to hurt this friend, but there is a place to draw the line. So I am praying about it...hopefully I find an easy solution.

I found out that I get to go to the Mall of America in two weeks with Jenna and then have a sleepover - kind of like a birthday party. And I am so excited about that. I think I'm going to explode.

I'm reading Anna Kerenina and Of War and Peace - really really weighty stories. Anna Kerenina makes me feel really depressed - it's an extremely tangled love story, 600+ pages (text is 10 point Times New Roman, single-spaced...a little hard on the eyes). Husbands are unfaithful to their wives, men break young women's hearts and those who deserve each other never end up together. It's a fascinating novel - extremely well-written - but rather depressing.

I feel strange from the email, extremely excited for the MoA, and then pretty depressed from Anna Kerenina. My moods jump sky-ward when I'm playing the violin, droop when I read, jump again when I text Jenna - up and down, up and down. Being moody isn't fun.

As you can tell, my emotions are kind of all mixed together - my thoughts are scattered and entirely random. This post didn't make a lot of sense...but hey, isn't that life?

Dear Best Friend

2010-06-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Best Friend, I know life has chewed you up and spit you out. This whole year has been such a journey for you. Your friend at school decides she doesn't like you anymore, and throws away the bestest friend she will ever have in her whole life. She talks mean about you and spreads lies. I want you to know that none of the things she said defines you. You are not what she or her boyfriend labelled you as. You are so much more than that. Don't ever think about them again. They are not worth your time. They never will be. Ever.

Dear Best Friend, school has been hard for you, I know. You see everything that people do, and you notice everything, therefore you are so much more sensitive than anybody in the whole dang school. You look at people's hearts, not their outward appearence. You don't hang out with people just because they are popular. You don't become bitter when a guy breaks your heart. When you told me, I felt like smashing a window, but you looked at it from his perspective. When I called him a flipping jerk, you told me he wasn't one, because it wasn't his fault. I still think it was his fault.

Dear Best Friend, you and me are much more alike than I would ever have guessed. I know you feel ugly and fat and insecure, but you are not. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever known. You weigh ten pounds lighter than me - and just because I'm two inches taller than you doesn't make me any better than you. Short is good, because you'll always get to buy the smaller sizes.

Dear Best Friend, don't ever hate yourself. You make me laugh when I feel like crying. Just texting you or talking to you on the phone transforms my crappy day into a blessed one. Laughing with you makes me feel happy and it makes me forget everything that's going on.

Dear Best Friend, I love you and I will always be here for you. I can't make the pain stop but I will always hold you in my arms when it hurts the most. I can't make your life suddenly perfect, but I can always listen to you and pray with you. I am a better person because of you. Through everything that's going on in my life, through everything that's going on in yours, we have become better friends and better people. I will never forget the blessing you have been to me. I have had many friends but you are so much more than a friend. You are a sister. I love you forever.

Dear Best Friend, thank you for everything. Thank you for being who you are. Don't ever change otherwise I'll knock your block off. Don't ever stop eating podstickers with me at midnight. Don't ever stop stealing my phone and seeing how long it takes for me to find it. Don't ever stop persuading me to believe ridiculous things. Don't ever stop laughing with me over inside jokes. Don't ever stop sitting with me and making necklaces. Don't ever stop talking with me openly. Don't ever stop being you.

Don't ever stop laughing like this. You are so beautiful the way God made you.

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

-Christopher Robin to Pooh Bear.

Guess what, guess what, GUESS WHAT?!

2010-06-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

You're totally not gonna believe me. AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ready for this?

I bought my violin. (rather, my absolutely wonderful, incredible, amazingly generous parents bought it for me. :-)

Ummmmm....!!!!!!!!!!!!! No way!

I spent two hours this morning playing ten different violins at House of Note and deciding which one I liked best. Playing multiple songs over and over on different instruments, paying painful amounts of attention to the sound, the tone, the ringing.

I spent another hour, fishing through at least fifteen bows, using them - noting the tone, the stroke, the feel - carefully eliminating them one by one until I found the one that was perfect.

And oh my word. The. violin. is. beautiful. The tone is stunning. The strings are amazingly easy to stroke and surprisingly smooth, much more so then my old violin - it makes vibrato a breeze, whereas on my previous instrument, I struggled quite a bit.

It seems like I've been playing it ever since I got home from the shop!

Just look at this stunna. And believe me, it plays more beautiful than it looks!

Ahhhh. Doesn't it just take your breath away?

I. Am. In. Love.

On and On and On

2010-05-30T14:36:00.000-07:00

I always fall short. Always. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not pretty enough. My hair isn't blonde enough. My skin isn't tan enough. No matter how much I exercise, and how carefully I watch what I eat, I'm still not as skinny as so-and-so. No matter how much time I spend over my hair/makeup, I still look terrible next to this person. Even though I try to smile and laugh, I still won't appear as secure as this friend does. Regardless of how hard I try, I still won't come up on top. So-and-so will still be able to condescend to me.

On and on and on the cycle goes. Never ending. And I hate this. I tell myself that I need to be confident in who I am - and then five minutes later, I'm feeling that oh-so-familiar despair that I'll never measure up.

Before I knew what was happening, I began to let my Bible time in the morning slip. Instead, I spent that time straightening my hair, or sitting in the sun. I pushed away the urge to pray before I fell asleep each night, saying, "Later, I will. Right now I'm too tired." And yet I spent endless masses of time in angry comparison and discontent. I'm crabby and irritable: wasting so much time figuring out ways to appear perfect is tiring.

In spending so much time worrying over my outward appearence, I have allowed my inner being - the part that really matters - to deteriorate. And that cannot happen.

Take a building for example. Without strong inner structure, this building will not withstand anything. No matter how beautiful you make it look on the outside - even if you paint it white and give it beautiful windows and glorious landscaping - it is doomed. It will never be a safe building. And with people, that much more so. Without our inner structure, without strong faith, we also will crumble.

Today I will remember to thank God for the many blessings He has given me. Tomorrow, I will read my Bible and I will be overwhelmed by His goodness.

I will still find myself comparing myself to others once in a while. That's inevitable in this culture. But God made me unique, and in wishing I am different, I am degrading His creation. I may not be perfect, but God did not make any mistake when he knitted me together in my mother's womb.

Who I am is who I am...why try to change that?

The Waterbottle Revenge Team

2010-05-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

Life. It's an odd thing, isn't it? You can feel happy and sad at the same time - loved and lonely, blissful and melancholy. You can love someone, but be angry at them at the same time. You can get so caught up in your emotions it feels like life is a fickle thing, full of ups and downs, good days and bad days. And if you think so, you're right, because life is like that. You can have a great day Monday, and a terrible day Tuesday. Or a beautiful day on Friday and then wake up Saturday feeling like screaming.

It gets so tiring to try and make sense of life, because it's a nonsensical thing. There are good things in it and there are bad things in it, and sometimes you get hit over the head with both at the same time. And it's exhausting to try and figure out which emotion you should listen to, which feeling you should act upon. I never knew my heart was so complicated. I never knew I could make life this complex this easily.

This morning, I relaxed. I took a break from all the complications of life and breathed in the fresh summer air, felt the sun beat down on my face...and smiled. My cousins are over, David and Matthew, and we played soccer in the backyard. Me, Ab, and David against Josh, Mat and Pete. I had this waterbottle that I had filled up because it was so dang hot, and everyone else was trying to steal drinks from it. So David, me and Ab entitled our soccer team the Watterbottle Revenge Team. We needed to whoop the Boogers (yeah...that's what they named their team. Seriously.) because they stole from my waterbottle.

Aaaand we lost miserably. But it was so much fun to laugh, to run, to sweat, and to have fun with each other. Because it was a blast.

The Waterbottle Revenge Team dominates.

And life is a blast. True, it's complicated, and complex, and sometimes I don't know what to feel like. But if I take a deep breath and look around, and appreciate everything that God has given me...what can I feel like but happy?

The Country Girl in Me - Miscellany Monday! Link Up!

2010-05-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't linked up with this before! It's looked like so much fun...so HA! Of course I had to do it! It's hosted by the beautiful Carissa over at lowercase letters (such an awesome blog name!)

{1} I have lately become obsessed with Frank Peretti. I haven't had a book to read in ages (though I did just organize my book shelf! Honest!), and it felt heavenly to be able to be absorbed in a book again - I mean, seriously absorbed. I have read Hangman's Curse (usually, I hate mysteries, but this one was SO good! and very spooky. If you know me, I am a complete sucker for spooky books) and am half-way through House (a collaboration between Ted Dekker and Peretti). I just requested about five more of his books from the library...I love Frank Peretti. Period.

{2} My family had friends over Saturday night, while I was babysitting the kids next door. The daddys and boys were playing soccer while the girls and mommas were watching, so I herded my two "charges" (HA! Do I sound like Nanny McPhee? How do you even spell her name, anyway?) over to play soccer. I wanted to play too. Ha! Well, I shouldn't have. I have several bruises all over my legs. They hurt. I discovered I stink at being goalie. I get so paranoid when the ball comes my way, and I always let it in. Oh and a little tip. Don't play soccer in bare feet. It's painful.

{3} While writing this post, I was also requesting more books. I have eight books lined up, both Dekker and Peretti. Can you tell that I seriously love them?

{4} I've been training for my 5k that I'm running in a few weeks - and yesterday I ran the whole 3.10 miles straight on a treadmill. I feel so accomplished. (I'm also pretty sore...what with soccer, nine holes of golf and a 5k in the span of forty eight hours. Oh, not to mention all the leg-weights I lifted. I'm really trying to build my leg muscle up. I actually have some! :-)

{5} I was playing violin a few days ago, and my bow completely snapped in the middle of my song. The wood wasn't what snapped - it was the string. So odd. I'm have a lesson today - so I'm going to see if my teacher can fix it (little or no chance of that happening), and worst case scenario, I use my teacher's bow. I tried using my younger sister's bow for practice today...not working. Her bow is at the most, half the size of mine and my bowing was all screwed up because I wasn't used to working with such a short stroke.

My poor broken bow.

{6} I always roll up my shorts. I'm not sure why, I just always do. I love rolling up my jeans too - that's the country girl in me, I guess. And for the record, I cannot wear a cowboy hat. My head is the wrong shape for that.

{7} I've been entranced by Jason Myraz lately. He had such a good voice. I love Gavin Rossdale too - and Coldplay, Taylor Swift (hey, don't laugh. Be thankful I don't listen to Miley Cyrus!), Sanctus Real, Leona Lewis, Britt Nicole, Kelly Clarkson, Skillet and Switchfoot. I love them all. :-)

{8} I have been downloading pictures to CDs recently because I'm running out of GB space on my laptop. I have literally like thirty CDs - freed up quite a bit of space. All of my hard drive is used up with pictures - I have little or no large programs that I have on it. It's all pictures. It's insane. It broke my heart to download them onto CDs and then actually delete them...ahhh. That was tough. ^_^

Go link up! I promise that it'll be tons of fun!

You can't have a rainbow without a little rain

2010-05-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

This is one of the first times I've had an assistant to help me write my posts...one of my very best friends, Jenna, is sitting next to me. Our sleepover is coming to a close - we went to bed at 10:30. We usually fall asleep at one o'clock at the earliest. (I have babysitting late tonight, otherwise we would have stayed awake all night.)

It was pouring rain this morning - Rain equals fun pictures. :-)

Jenna has a fondness for swords (I almost got my eye poked out).

Twirling. It's so much fun. Except for when you get dizzy and fall down. Jennaaaaa. ^_^

Apparently, she got a raindrop in her eye. HA!

In the time it took to write this post, the skies have cleared. We loved the rain while it lasted.

And look what came in the mail yesterday, sent to me by the lovely Melissa from NewFashionedWhispers!

It is so pretty. I have not taken it off since I received it in the mail. And she has great prices too - definitely my favorite Etsy shop out there. :-)

Have an awesome Saturday! We sure are. :-)

I love my camera's self-timer. After it took us eight hundred years to figure it out...^_^

Confessions - Striving for the REAL.

2010-05-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

Confessions. Confessions of what? Of things that I have left unspoken of, that I have left lie in the fathoms of my mind. Of things that I am going through, of things that I ache to write of but know I shouldn't. Is there an image I am trying to create throughout the Blogger world?

I'm not such a bubbly person, you know. Even when I wrote that "happy" post a few days ago...I wasn't all that happy. I was just trying to be happy - because I was desperate for happiness. When I clicked "Publish", it all crashed on me. I realized all at once that my blog is not an honest place. It's not a place of real-ness, of day-to-day struggles. It was a place for me to have an image - an image that is very unlike my self.

If I can't be REAL, why click over? Why take the time to read fakeness? If I can't share my life - in a REAL way, what is the point? Do I grow by writing fakeness? No. Do you grow by reading fakeness? No.

Being real means being vulnerable. Sharing what is most painful can never be easy. So I will be vulnerable today - I will share even when it means hurting.

Okay...

Well, as you probably know, I have been homeschooled all my life. I've been sheltered from the world, you could say. Ironically, the only time I am exposed to swearing and worse is at church. I have a large group of friends there. I'm not selective when it comes to friends. You want to be my friend? Go ahead. My church is like that too. They accept everyone for who they are. Which is super nice, but I have some weird friends. Some friends I don't hardly even like. Nevertheless, it is very easy for you to become one of my best friends. It's also kind of annoying to have a group of people following you around, especially when you just want to talk with two of your very best friends alone.

I had a best friend a long time ago. We did everything together. We told each other everything. You would never see one without the other. I saw her almost every day. Then one day, she decided she wanted to be best friends with another girl. She told this girl all my "secrets" (like I had any real ones at age ten) and passed everything I said on to this other girl.

You would think I would learn from this, wouldn't you? You would think that I would walk away from this overdramatic backstabbing between a few ten year olds, and I would remember it. Well, I didn't. And it's happened several times over again these last few years. And each time, I've just let it happen...I cried, sure. But what I really tried to do was forget, thus I didn't learn from my mistakes. I didn't guard my heart, my trust, my affection, though I should have, as I learned from these experiences.

I've been told that I'm too nice. That I care too much about what other people think, meaning that I will always try to make the other person feel better, even if that means lying. That I don't stand up for myself. That I let other people push me around, trample over me. That I'm impulsive.

I've also been told that I'm the best listener. That I laugh easily. That I carry conversation as naturally as I breathe. That I'm the most amazing person in the world, which I know is obviously not true. That I am sympathetic and feel deeply.

I guess I'm just a mixed bag. But why does this all bother me? Perhaps I should be asking why would this not bother me?

This fall, I'm going to public highschool. I don't understand crude jokes, I don't even know many swear words and I have next to no knowledge of mainstream artists. I only listen to Air1. I had no inkling as to who Beyonce is until a few months ago. One of my friends was literally gaping at me when I asked her who Beyonce is. "You don't know who Beyonce is? Do you live in a hole in the ground or something?"

Daddy told me once that I had to be careful who I made friends with at school. There's gotta be some pretty nasty people out there. But there has to be incredible people there too, right?

Life is a mixed bag. There are good things and there are bad things. People are a mixed bag. There are good people and there are bad people. Sometimes you can't tell if a person is a good person or a bad person unless you get to know them. I can usually tell, but sometimes I'm way off. I judge someone, and it turns out they're an amazing person. I accept someone, and it turns out they're not so amazing.

You know the saying, "One bad apple can spoil the lot"? When someone says that, they're not talking about apples. They're talking about people. They're saying one bad person can twist a good person.

I don't think that's true.

Yes, we need to be careful of who we hang out with, for the Bible says, "Bad company corrupts good character." But it works the other way around too, just as easily.

I had a friend, a long-time friend. Since fifth grade, I've known her and loved her. She had some issues, with life, with boys, with family, with God. God used to be something that went in one ear and went out the other for her. She swore, I didn't. She dated, I didn't. We didn't like any of the same things. And were very unlike each other. But still we remained friends.

In the last few months, I've noticed a change in this friend. She's searched for God - and she found Him recently. She stopped swearing and dating. She stopped zoning out during school and actually started focusing and trying to do better. She's told me her grades have improved. And I'm so happy.

My other friends say this change is because of my influence in her life. Perhaps. But it wasn't me. God was the one who connected us early on, God was the one who strengthened our friendship into something more. And God was the one who finally found His way into her heart and transformed her.

I proudly call this girl one of my besties.

I'm rambling now. But this whole situation with school next year, and how I have some of those friends who aren't exactly on the right path...scratch that, I have quite a few friends like that. Frankly, I get discouraged when I think of them. Not so much discouraged perhaps...more like sad.

But God has a mysterious way of working through us as Christians - working through us and working in us. He stirred the previously calm waters of my life at the same time that he stirred that girl's. He brought us together through friend problems, life problems, school problems. And look what is the result of that. A friendship that will last forever. More importantly: A friendship based on Christ.

Being real is a day-to-day choice. It is so much more than merely being earnest and nodding your head. It is changing your previous way of life and molding it into a new pattern. It is deciding to stop agreeing with everything everyone says. It is acknowledging differences in people and learning to appreciate them. It is understanding who you yourself really are - and commiting to BEING that person, regardless of the company you're in. It is striving to rise above this world and grant your heart into His hands and allow Him to keep it.

This next year will be a journey. A journey to discover who I am - and to become REAL. I don't know where this decision will lead me, but I know that God wants me to go to school next year. I have been praying since square one with this whole thing - and God has given me, not a sense of dread, but a sense of hope. He gave me no red flags. He has given my parents no red flags. He has given those praying for me no red flags.

Will this whole school thing work out? Who knows? It might, it might not. But God is behind this decision. It is going to be a step of faith to walk into the school that first day - as a very young freshman, at least a year younger than even the youngest freshmen. Signing the school paper was a step of faith. Even consenting to think about this was a step of faith.

But I think my life has been continual steps of faith - every step I have taken, every time I have trusted in God, every time I have depended on Him to carry me through, every single time: I have grown. I have become a better person, step by step. Little hops of vulnerability, long leaps of trust without reserve - these things have shaped me. They have defined me.

I am in tears right now. This post has been healing for me to write. I don't feel empty now - I feel ready. Ready to begin the journey with an unknown ending. Ready to let go of the things that hold me down. Ready to sever those strings that pull me back from Jesus. Ready to become REAL.

Guess what I found in my backyard yesterday?

2010-05-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

A toad. That's right. I ~~almost stepped on~~ found a toad.

So I was playing soccer with my family and neighbors. I was goalie for a brief time (was kicked out after letting in three goals within the span of five minutes) and my keen eyes (ha, I wish) spotted a toad. A small, beautiful toad. He became my toad prince. I lost him within ten minutes. I hope he didn't die.

__________________

It took exactly forty five minutes

to straighten my hair this morning. I woke up at six o'clock (actually, it was actually more like six thirty) A.M. to toil over my hair in front of the mirror.

__________________

I am already planning ahead

for my birthday. June 27th. If any of you want to send me a present in the mail, that would be fantastic. (I'm joking, obviously. But still...)

__________________

Lynnette Kraft
is having a fabulous giveaway over at her blog. You could win a personalized theme song for your blog. Worth $65. I'm super excited. Because I just got this feeling that I'm gonna win. (Just kidding. I'm very unlucky, even though my grandparents grow luck on their farm.)

__________________

I should have been born
at 3:33 P.M. 3:33 P.M. is the very best part of the day. I love 3s.

__________________

Someone told me the other day
that I look like my name should be Margaret. Apparently, I look like a Margaret (actually several people have voiced this opinion).
__________________

I'm not exactly sure
what the point of this post was. But one last thing...

I'M BUYING A NEW VIOLIN!

Have a lovely day, my lovely chums.

Blissful - for now.

2010-05-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

Ever have those moments when you feel so happy you don't know what you're going to do with yourself? Those little breaths of happiness don't come too often, you know. Especially for me, especially now.

The weather is beautiful outside - sunny, warm, but not too hot. There's a nice breeze, too. It's hard to feel happy when it's pouring rain, which it has been this last week.

Yesterday, I got to see a movie (a rare occurence at our house) and played nine holes of golf in the sunny gorgeous weather. This morning, I ~~saw~~ caught up on life with all my beautiful besties at church.

(just saying now: I have the best friends in the world.)

I also got to tan for an hour and a half, then went and hit golf balls with daddy.

I've got so many thoughts swirling around in my head, I've got to write them down - but now I'm just going to be happy. For however long it lasts.

I don't want this feeling to go away.
-Jack Johnson

Alright, alright. The REAL winner.

2010-05-15T14:27:00.000-07:00

Well, well. Excited to see who won?

By the way, my awards ceremony was pretty sweet. I didn't trip over any cords or anything. I got my hand shaken, a medal put around my neck, and my picture taken with this important guy. So it was good. ^_^ (plus the chance to wear a skirt and ballet flats is always nice. I like dressing up. :-)

The winner of the $50 dollar basket from NewFashionedWhispers is...

Sarah from Victoriously Free!

Congratulations, Sarah. I'm seriously so jealous of you - I love NewFashionedWhispers. I am adding her to my birthday wishlist - and you should all do the same. Because her stuff is bee.yoo.ti.ful.

Winner of the $50 Basket

2010-05-15T06:31:00.000-07:00

You wondering who won? Well you'd better click over - it could be you.

Even if you don't win, I seriously recommend going over to the beautiful shop of the beautiful sponser to check out (and that means BUY) her stuff.

Oops, sorry - I need to head off to an awards ceremony (I apparently did pretty good on an ACT test, so they wanted me to come and get a medal). I will draw the winners later...

Just another reminder - to those who haven't entered, NewFashionedWhispers has a beautiful shop, and you don't want to miss out on the chance to win some of her gorgeous jewelry. (It took several attempts to spell "jewelry" right. Sometimes I have lots of trouble spelling the simplest words.)

So. Enter HERE. Don't forget. You only have a few more hours in which to enter...Off to receive a medal (I get to dress up!). I'll ~~try to~~ post the winners later today.

Enjoy your Saturday!

Taking Time to "Just Chill"

2010-05-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

Just chill.

How many times have you had that said to you? It seems like I just give off this attitude of being very non-chilled. If I had a dollar every time someone said that to me, I would be a multi-billionaire by now. I think I am uptight - I get anxious if I sit around too long doing nothing. I'm compulsive, I know that. And if I don't be careful, life can just become a blend. It already has. Hours merging together, days becoming so similar that there seems no point in getting up in the morning...where is the beauty in that?

Playing my violin - a brief respite from the monotony that my life seems to have become. I love music. I love feeling the strings hum underneath my fingertips. I love making my bow stroke the inked notes into music - beautiful music. I love letting the notes fill my mind, swelling within my soul, allowing it to drown out the hurt, the pain, the anger, until the music is all I have. I love music.

Taking pictures - a window to another life, a life devoid of worries and saturated only with beauty. I love photography. I love feeling the curve of my camera fit into my hand. I love hearing the click as another moment is perserved, another memory created, one that I can treasure forever.

Running - a chance to relieve the stress of life and to be free. I love running. I love feeling the track pound beneath my feet. I love how the wind breaks over my face. I even love the pattern of my sweat on my forehead. I love the beat of my ponytail against the back of my neck. I love the strain of my lungs, the Skillet music throbbing in my ear, the aching of my legs. I love wishing that I could stop but knowing that I won't be able to until I am so exhausted there is no will left in me to even breathe.

Violin, photography and running give me thrills - taking time each day to do these things makes my heart so much lighter. Speaking of running, I cut my mile time down to eight minutes - after a month of not running (due to my low hemoglobin), I am very happy with eight minutes, though I am hoping to get it down to six eventually.

Relax, my friends - and take a little time to"just chill".

To My Mother

2010-05-09T16:43:00.000-07:00

My AMAZING Mom.

Everyone says that their mom is the best, but seriously. My mom is the best.

I'm having trouble even describing her - what do I say? She's funny? She's not funny. She's HILARIOUS. Everything she does just cracks me up. Like when she can't figure out how to change her profile picture on Facebook. Like that one time when she was walking up the stairs at church and another woman dropped her purse and my mom yelped. Like when she's running around the track and she's got this big smile on her face, like running is the funnest thing in the world. Like when she cracks up at her own jokes, now usually that's annoying in other people, but in her it makes you laugh so hard you cry. She's not funny, like a weird funny. She's a cool funny. ;-)

And she's beautiful. One of my brother's friend's dad commented to my brother that my mom was "pretty enough to be a super model." This married guy actually said that. My family teases Momma about that all the time. She has gotten comments from people, asking if she was a runner. And Momma is totally a runner. She can run a 5k with no sweat. She's hardly even breathing hard. No seriously. I'm not exaggerating.

Mom is so kindhearted and unselfish. She makes all the meals, and washes dishes with the same attitude she has when she runs. Like how can dirty dishes bring someone that much joy?

She's so godly, too. Her faith for God has inspired me so much to truly be the best person I can be. And she always comforts me, and lets me cry on her shoulder as long as I want. Whenever friends are being mean, or my faith weak and needing encouragement - she's always there. Defending me and making me feel so much better. A talk with my mom lifts so much weight off my shoulders. I go from being hurt and very angry to thankful and happy. I go from being devastated to free.

She is always there to laugh, to cry, to dance, to sing, to have water fights (remember that, Mom?), to be goofy, to make me happy when I feel sad, to read me verses, to pray over me, to kiss me goodnight, to give me advice, to bring me up in the Lord.

God has blessed me so much with my momma. I love you, Mom. :-)

"You have to be sad sometimes, otherwise you forget what it's like to be happy."

2010-05-08T06:26:00.000-07:00

Who can understand how God works? He knows all things, sees all things - His ways are perfect, flawless, and whatever He makes happen, happens for a reason.

Yet sometimes He is just so confusing. I know I can't ever comprehend Him - and He created me, He knows what is best for me.

I have been going through a lot - mostly all spiritual stuff. Relapsing into that valley of deadness again. Is there any end to this vicious cycle? Dead. Renewed. Dead. Renewed. Dead. Renewed. Over and over and over.

I've been talking with a few of my best friends a lot recently. A lot of them are going through so much trouble, and so much pain. When they thought their life was getting better, it took a terrible twist and both were left in shock. Wave after wave of bad things happened to them.

My friend said this to me one day:

Bekah, I want to go back to when getting high was on the swing and your biggest worry was what outfit to wear in the morning.

Those young days, four or five years old, eight or nine even. Filled with simple trust, innocent perspective, no cares in the world. If only we could regain that simple trust, that innocence. If only we could shake that anxiety.

I know so many friends who have said to me the exact same thing, different phrasing, but same core. "I want to go back, Bekah. I want to go back."

Jesus said the children would lead us, and I never truly understood until now. I look at my younger siblings and ache for what they have.

And I believe I can regain this simple trust, this innocent perspective. I believe I can shake this constant anxiety. How?

Prayer.

My friend had so much going on, much more than I did. She said to me she couldn't ever imagine how her life could possibly get any worse. Then she texts me one morning. She said she had spent almost two hours last night, praying. Praying her heart and soul out. Crying, yes. Feeling angry at God, yes. But praying to Him, pleading with Him to renew her, to change her life in a radical way.

And when she got to school that day? Her two dear friends who had turned their backs on her, who had gossiped about her, who had made up ugly lies about her and spread them everywhere, who swore at her, who blocked her on Facebook, who insulted her and then completely ignored her - they talked to her today. Saying their sorry, and wanting to still be friends.

My friend is still really hurt by what they did to her, but she gave them a second chance. She was willing to redo their friendship. To start over. Completely start over. She is my best friend and I can learn so much from her. God put her in my life for a big reason: to help me grow, to help me accept past mistakes, to help me become a better person.

But what happened to my friend at school that day: PRAYER did that. Letting God in on the daily struggles, in on those friends that are being cruel - He will HEAL it. He granted my friend forgiveness and willingness to give her friends a second chance. Shutting Him out solves nothing.

Pray. That is the only advice that I have for those many friends that run to me when their life is ruined. Pray. Pray. Pray. The power of prayer is beyond our comprehension. Prayer works in many ways, some unseen and some seen. Prayer gives us strength to continue on, gives us God's heart and God's ways.

God has blessed me in so many ways. I just have to say that. My dear friend wrote me this card. I would post a picture of it, but it's on my phone. In it she said, among other things, "If you live to be a 100, I will want to live to be a 100 and 1 day so I will never have to live without you." My other dear friend wrote this to me: "You listen to me and try to explain stuff to me, even when you hardly know what to do yourself, and like even when I dont know what to do, and we are like in the exact some place in life, you always help me and say "yeah, I know," or "I love you" and you just help me alot, and help me make right decisions." I am seriously SO blessed by my friends. By my family.

Who can look at this and say they're not blessed?

An Amazing Giveaway for My Amazing Chums (and a chance to get in on another one!)

2010-05-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to host a giveaway for a while - you guys are such amazing followers, chums and commenters that you deserve some fabulous stuff. And guess what? A beautiful Etsyian donated a seriously breath-taking gift.

You ready to see it?

A $50 MYSTERY basket from NewFashionedWhispers!

Her stuff is seriously GORGEOUS. Vintagey and soft, unique, feminine - I look at those necklaces and they take my breath away. How fun would it be to wear them? And it's a basket, so you could get multiple jewelry from her. She's just so talented. And it would make a GREAT Mother's Day gift, don't you agree?

How To Enter:

1. Leave a comment telling me you want to enter.
2. Go visit NewFashionedWhispers and tell me what necklace you would absolutely LOVE to get. And seriously. You won't regret it. I LOVE her stuff.
3. Post about it!

Please leave a SEPERATE comment for each entry. That makes it so much easier on me. And I want to make sure you all get your due number of entries and that I don't miscount or anything.

And the fun doesn't end here. Another one of my lovely chums, Carissa @ lowercase letters is having another beautiful giveaway over at her blog. She's giving away one of these beautiful clutches...

I'm not a big purse person, but I would TOTALLY wear it/use it if I won. I've been trying to find a cute purse to carry my cell phone in...carrying it in your back pocket causes skin cancer, you know. ^_^

Anyways. I always regret saying this, because more entries lessens my chance of winning: but go enter! I say it every giveaway but I want to stress it this time, because those clutches are so dang cute!

Mad Monopoly Playing, Forgo the Top whadda ya get, Garage Sale, and that thing is ANNOYING!

2010-05-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

(I accidently clicked publish before I was done - I hate when I do that)

Monopoly. A very long, very ~~fun~~ interesting game in which you wish at least a dozen times that the Monopoly money was real (I know I always do). But when you play Monopoly at our house, it turns into a game not of making each other broke, but bailing each other out of debt until the game goes on for weeks.

And we never play regular ole Monopoly. We play....

...Lord of the Rings Monopoly. Oh yes, quite a shocker. We have some die-hard LoTR fans at our house.

I won. I was amazed. Usually I lose. Miserably.

Look at the board closely - see all the hotels? Those were all mine. Ab and Peter were broke right out of the gate, but I kept lending them money 'cause I felt kinda bad...yeah. That's how it always goes. Peter keeps going, "Abby, we're never gonna be able to break her!" Haha. What a funny kid.

____________________

While we were playing Monopoly, Momma was making lunch - soup (it's REALLY good). She was blending the vegetables in our beloved VitaMix, buuuuut forgot to put the top on and it started blending with its serious high-speed choppers and the soup exploded everywhere. Mom has a burn on her forehead from the boiling soup.

_________________

Moving along from one subject to the next... (couldn't think of any relevant transition for this one ^_^). We are having our very own garage sale this weekend. I'm amazed at how much junk we have around our house - well I don't want to call it junk 'cause we're selling it, but you know what I mean. Our whole dining room is clogged with an array of different items.

____________________

Does tech ever drive you insane?! It seems like my laptop is out to get me - like seriously. No exaggeration there. See this thing?

It never goes away. The Windows Task Manager refuses to be closed or removed in any way, and stays there on my screen like an obstinate canker, driving me crazy.

Then sometimes (I minimized it so it would take up as little screen-space as possible) it goes like this when I try to move it:

And when I try and close tabs, it freezes, like this:

And it takes FOREVER to send a single flipping email!

My laptop is old. And I think it's running out of steam - as well as memory space. Did I tell you Gimp aborted on me twice within the span of ten minutes? I better stop saving up for Photoshop and save up for a new laptop (though I think daddy would pay for it...maybe).

Speaking of Photoshop, I got the 30 day free trial, and am having tons of fun editing pictures. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Photoshop CS5. Ahhhh. Comparing it to Gimp is like comparing frozen pizza to stir-fried pea pods (yuck). And that was a weird comparison, but I'm in a weird mood.

I love Photoshop.

Dare to Learn...

2010-05-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

...more things about me. (Hehehe, that didn't make a lot of sense, did it? ;-) My dear friend Awel is have a lovely blog party at her beautiful blog inspired designs (such a pretty name ;-). The prizes are amazing, and the questions are fun, so could I resist entering? Nope. Of course not. You should all go enter - seriously, the prizes are fantabulous.

1) What's your all time favorite blog/blogger?

Don't pull that one on me - I have so many. I'll give you top three, is that fair? 1. Lynnette's Dancing Barefoot 2. Ab's Rear Window and 3. Hannah's Aspire.

2) How do you personally define forgiveness?

Forgiveness? It is when someone wrongs you in a deep way, and it hurts - and you go from hating them to actually loving them. That act of relinquishing your heartache, forgetting the deep wrong, and becoming willing to start over with that person - that is forgiveness.

3) What object of your possession has the most sentimental value in your eyes?

My pair of headphones - it symbolizes new life, new faith, and new love.

4) What song do you consider your personal theme song?

I have many theme songs with many of my different friends. Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath is Hannah and me's "song", while Lucy by Skillet is Jenna and me's "song". (I have a feeling I made a few grammar mistakes in the last sentence. Hm.)

5) Do the opinions of others about you really matter to you?

It depends on who those "others" are. If they're like one of my best friends, than yeah, that person's opinion matters.

6) Do you ever make up words?

Are you kidding me? Yes. I do. I also mispronounce SO many words. My friends still tease about when, a few years back, I pronounced ignorant "ig-NOR-ant."

7) Off the top of your head, do you know what your middle name means? (You can look it up though! :)

Nope. My name, Rebekah, means captivating. I looked up what "Grace" means...well, read it for yourself.

The name Grace is a word that is used to depict Man's relationship with God (God's grace) in the form of blessings and favors as also the physical aspect of beauty seen in one's manner and bearing. The Latin word gratia means favor and as such the name may be considered to be of Latin origin. The variants of the name are Gracey, Gracy, Gracia and Gratia.

I guess that explains it then.

8) What's is something that never fails to make you smile?

My little brother. :-)

9) What person has touched your heart the most?

Oh. Man. My momma, I guess. Does God count? Hehe. Just had to ask.

10) Give a scene in a book where you really understood what the author was trying to convey.

Uh...mindblank.

11) What do you think of HTML? Is it the ENEMY or your friend?

Friend. Definitely. Don't know where I would be without it.

12) What person comments the most consistently on your blog?

I don't like picking favorites, but Memzie at The Rebuilder does the most. I love you, Memzie! :-)

13) Who is your personal hero/heroine (fiction or real, or both)? Why?

My fiction heroine is Emily of New Moon - she is just so crazy awesome, and is exactly like me in so many ways. And then my real-life (haha, like book characters aren't real-life) heroine is my momma. Of course.

14) Are you curious or are you satisfied knowing that "that's just the way it is"?

You give me "that's just the way it is" and I will drive myself crazy wondering about it for the rest of my life.

15)List the your top 5 favorite songs. Do they have anything in common? Why do you love them?

1. Lead Me by Sanctus Real. ('cause I just love it. Makes me get all teary-eyed) 2. Lucy by Skillet. ('cause it's me and Jenna's song. And it's so SAD!) 3. Tears Fall by BarlowGirl. (it makes me feel so sad about abortion )-: ) 4. Superman by Five For Fighting. (SO sad and beautiful. And it's in the perfect key so I can sing it at the top of my lungs.) 5. Empty Chairs at Empty Tables in Les Miserables (again, it's so sad, and low enough that I can sing it really loud without having to go into falsetto). Ha, I guess I must like sad songs.

16) Do you ever get into arguments with...your characters? (that's if you write a book :). And if you don't write, do you think you would?

Um, yeah. All the time. I sometimes hate my characters.

17) While reading a book or watching a movie, were you ever blown away by an unexpected plot twist? What was it and how did you react?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Harry Potter. Harry Potter. Harry Potter. Oh, and Beyond the Summerland by a somebody Graham. I threw the book across the room 'cause I was so ticked.

18) What's your personal opinion of i-designs? (orignal, I know, but I really want to know! :)

Bee-yoo-ti-ful.

19) What's your favourite color combinations?

Teal, teal and more teal.

20) What's your favourite comic book series?

I haven't read comic books since second grade.

21) What is the oldest book you've read? How old was it? (By old, I mean, like antique books...the manuscript doesn't have to be old, just the copy of it. :)

It is Girls Who Became Writers and it was like, early 1900s? I think?

22) What character in any movie or book, would you say is the MOST like you?

Emily of New Moon.

23) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Not a very nice question, but I would change the fact that I'm so gullible. It's annoying. My friend once told me that if you "poke" someone on Facebook, the system alerts an employee, who actually runs to the person and POKES him/her. And I believed her.

24) As a child, what was one thing that always frightened you? This could be something real or imagined! :)

The dark. I used to be so scared of the dark.

25) What's your life motto?

Job 8:21, I guess. (Go look it up, hehe)

26) As you're sitting in café, you're given a note: "It's in your best interests to meet me at 7 P.M. tonight, alone, at Pine and 4th." How would you react?

I would go to Pine and 4th, totally!

27) Name seven of your favourite books.

The seven Harry Potter books. I'm a die-hard Harry Potter fan. (I'm married to Ron, by the way. Just so you all know.) :-)

28) Name your absolutle favorite font (you can have more than one though)!

Oh, that's tough. I like SO many. Okay, I'll through a few out there. Usenet, Geosans Light, Roman Fatal Serif, Century Gothic, Miama Script, and any Pea font.

29) Have you ever cried over...a book or a movie?

Are you kidding me? Yes, yes, yes.

30) What's something that's brought you so much comfort?

My Bible. Sounds kind of sappy, but it's true.

31) Describe what you would call a perfect moment.

Experiencing the flash.

32) What's the fastest you've ever read?

Oh I don't know. Look for my name in the Guiness Book of World Records. (hehe, just kidding, I don't read that fast)

33) What's your favorite book/movie genre?

I can't stand mystery. I like romance, fantasy, and anything that's slightly spooky.

34) Do you say one word a lot just because of the way it sounds? If so, what's the word?

Phlegm. Haha. PHLEGM!

35) What's something you thought you'd hate, but ended up loving?

Running, I guess. :-)

36)Do you prefer British or American spellings of words (ex: the British favourite to the American favorite)

American, of course.

37) List a few of your favourite names.

Brittany, Luke, Emily, Joanna and Nicholas.

38) What is your favourite movie?

The Matrix. :-)

39) Imagine you're writing a story, and one of your characters keeps something buried in a box where no one will find it. What's in the box and what's its significance?

The box holds all the secrets of the world, and the character is trying to keep it hidden so the "bad guys" can't find it. The box is found, the character is terrible at digging.

40) Was this boring? (be honest! :)

Oh yes, it was terrible. I'm kidding, obviously. It was a blast. :-)

The good, the bad and the EMBARRASSING!

2010-04-30T13:27:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Hannah is having this fun thingy-ma-bob (I never know what to call it! Hehehe...). It's like a giveaway ten times over, a blog party, and just a get-to-know-each-other. There's sweet prizes - if I don't win one, I'm going to be veeeery sad. (Oh, and I apologize for posting TWICE today - but I had to do this otherwise honestly I would have forgotten)

AND! Before I go any further, my hemoglobin is up to a smashing 11which is fantastic!! Three units of blood raised it six degrees. SO awesome. And get this (just have to brag about my misfortunes a liiiitle more): if I hadn't come in when I had, I would have gone into a coma. A COMA. That is so freaky.

Okay, now, before I start rambling about something else, I will return to the thingy-ma-bob. Planting Chums. THERE! Finally got the name. Hehehe. I'm supposed to give you four things about myself. This is going to be boring for those of you who have followed my blog for a while - but for those awesome new followers, read on. :-)

1. I love those little kid shows, like Backyardigans (though the characters confuse me...what's a moose doing, riding a horse?).

They make me feel so nostalgic. Plus they have plots that require no thinking whatsoever - so that's always nice, right?

2. I am terrible at board games. Or any kind of games.

I cannot win anything. I can't even win War because I'm so unlucky. I always get the 2s and the 4s. Never the Jokers. But games are different from SPORT games. I'm so competitive there, whereas with other games, I couldn't care less. Anything with a ball and two teams and a field just gets me going. :-)

3. I cannot fake an accent to save my life. Anything that I try to accent comes out sounding half-British half-lunatic.

It's true. Ask my siblings.

4. Sometimes I am VERY overdramatic (not to mention I exaggerate everything and say "like" aaaaall the time).

My dear friend and I were reading one of our old chats once when we got into a big fight - and I was SO overdramatic it was not even funny (actually, it WAS really funny :-). I would show you some of the things I said but it's really embarrassing. Haha. I'm laughing just thinking about it. Okay, I'm probably going to regret showing you this, but look (me = me, obviously):

me: you know what, im DONE with talking to you. just LEAVE me ALONE!

And we were literally fighting over the LITTLEST thing. It was HILARIOUS. And believe me, it got worse.

Haha. We've had good times and we've had bad times.

Appreciating the LITTLE Things:: "Oh this? This is my Sansa!" :: a cute video

2010-04-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

My younger sister Ab has this Sansa. It seems to be a theme with the younger girls...a few of my friends have younger sisters with Sansas. A Sansa is a ~~cheap~~ really cheap music player. It has like one GB of storage, so it's not good at all.

But you know what? She is in love with it.

There is an iPod touch and an iPod nano in the house. Yet she is perfectly content with her Sansa!

Again...I have so much to learn! As I'm writing this, I'm overwhelmed by how much I can take this and apply it to my life. It's all persepective, you know. You could look at having a Sansa as opposed to an iTouch like this: "Why does he get an iTouch? And I am stuck with this stupid thing?!"

OR. You could look at it this way: "For a long time, I didn't have any music player. A Sansa isn't the greatest, granted, buuut. It's something."

That goes for everything. Life is so much easier if I take a step back and re-adjust my perspective. Having a good attitude makes it easier on me and on those around me.

Soooo many times have I had to check myself and change my attitude. I never realized how whiny I can sound until I took the time to listen to the words as they came out of my mouth. I never realized how crushing a simple remark can make until I took the time to notice what impact my words had on others. I never realized how ungrateful I can sound until I took the time to step back and re-adjust my outlook on things.

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe. Hebrew 12:28

Ungratefulness is a BIG issue. Paul (or whoever wrote Hebrews - thats a controversial subject) was aware that people were struggling with it two thousand some years ago! And that sure hasn't changed since...You know, we're sponsering a child. And Eugene has nothing. It helps a lot to remember a personal name when trying to change my ungratefulness to thankfulness. "I'm complaining about what we have to eat - Eugene doesn't HAVE anything to eat!" That helps more than, "I hate what we have to eat. But people in Africa dont have anything to eat." It helps a lot if you sponser a child.

And once again, Ab is teaching me so much. She is begging Momma and Daddy to let us sponser another child! She said she is willing to give up her allowance in order to sponser another child. Wow. She once gave fifty dollars of her own money to buy Christmas gifts for Eugene.

I will leave you with this cute video.

And about my health issues: I'm going this morning to the doctor again to do ONE more blood-draw. To check my hemoglobin, just to be safe. Only one more blood-draw. Again, I LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you so much for all your SWEET comments! Okay. With that over, I leave you again with this adorable video. :-)

Oh, and ignore the "related vidoes" that pop up after the video is over...I have no idea who they are from and what about. Watch at your risk.

It's Over. That what I need to remember...it's OVER.

2010-04-29T06:42:00.000-07:00

Thank you all so much for your beautiful wonderful comments. As I was laying in the hospital bed crying because my head and arm hurt so bad, I read your comments from my phone...and it made everything so much better. Like seriously, I can't tell you how much they boosted my attitude. I knew that it was gonna be okay because I had all of my crazy awesome blogger friends praying for me. :-)

So let me just start at the beginning, when everything started going wrong and we had to go to the hospital. I was bleeding abnormally long, and so that's why we went to the doctor in the first place. Doctor Albert checked my blood, did some tests, and sent me home. We got a call a few days ago saying that everything was normal.

But my momma was concerned because I had been feeling so weak, and looking so pale. So she called the office and they told her to bring me in. The first thing the doctor said to me was, "Oh my gosh, you are SO pale!" She even went so far as to say I looked like a ghost, and coming from a doctor, that can't be good.

I took some pictures of myself before I went, and looking at them now, I am amazed. My face was literally dead white, my lips were the same color as my skin, I had purple bags and red eyes. I can't believe I even went in public with my color the way it was.

So Tuesday afternoon, Doctor Albert told me I needed to get some more tests. So Momma and I walked to the lab, and I remember wishing that I could go home and go to bed. My vision was cracking and my knees were wobbling, my head aching. It wasn't that great.

I entered the lab, was seated in one of those big chairs, and the nurse got one of those scary knifes hidden in a box. She slid the tip of my finger into the rounded corner in the small knife-box, and clicked a button. The blade gashed my finger, and the nurse squeezed it to get blood out. Finger-pricks don't sound very painful, do they? But your fingers have many many nerves on the tips, because they touch so many things. So yeah. It was painful. It was to test my hemoglobin, and she got the bottle with my blood and gave it to the doctor to test.

Then she got another box thing with a hidden blade, and cut my arm this time, right next to my other cut from a few weeks ago. She timed how long it took for me to stop bleeding.

Normally, it takes eight or ten minutes. Ten minutes max. It took me sixteen minutes to slow down, and even then the bleeding didn't stop completely. So the nurse was concerned about that. But before she could do anything, she got a message from the doctor, requesting that we go back to the room immediately. Which means something isn't right.

Doctor Albert said that the normal hemoglobin level is 12-18. My hemoglobin was 5.3. Which is EXTREMELY low. She said I needed to get wheelchaired to the emergency room immediately and after that, ambulenced to Minneapolis (about an hour away) to the Children's hospital to get more speciliazed care. I didn't know what that meant, all I heard was "ambulenced." I was really excited, I gotta say. I mean, seriously, AMBULENCED? How awesome! Mmm. Not. (Thankfully, I didn't end up being ambulenced to Minneapolis.)

I was wheeled to the ER. I was put in a side-room, and was told to undress. I had already gone through so much and was in so much pain I didn't even care. I was dressed by a nurse in a hospital gown, and hooked up to an IV, which is where they put a needle in your arm and then stick a tube in there so they can pour whatever they need to pour into your body.

A woman doctor came in, and took my blood pressure and temps and such and then left. I waited there forever. Momma and Daddy came and sat with me, and Grandma too. Hours crawled past. My doctors appointment was at 3:30. I got to the ER at 5:15. A lot of nurses came and went, asked me questions, felt around, took my blood pressure/temps, etc. I had to go get an ultrasound to make sure there wasn't anything in my ovaries. I felt like I was pregnant. Ultrasounds, IV, those stupid hospital gowns, that annoying "Hugs" bracelet to make sure I didn't sleepwalk...I had it all.

At about 7:00, the main doctor finally came in, and asked some questions. Then he took a blood sample again, in my other arm that wasn't hooked up to the IV, and then came back a while later, and said that my blood type was AB+. AB- is the most uncommon blood type, but AB+ was the next uncommon. They didn't have my blood type in the "blood bank" (what a COOL name!) so they couldn't pump blood into me, so they needed to get the blood from a different state's blood bank. It was five hours before the blood even arrived at the hospital, and another hour before it was screened and tested and ready to pump into me.

At around midnight, they hooked me up to a blood-pump and began giving me blood. I received two units, and it takes two or three hours to pump one unit. It was about five o'clock in the morning before all the blood was finally in me. I slept a little bit during the blood transfusion, but not much because it was very uncomfortable. I remember laying there on my bed, just staring into the darkness. I fingered violin songs on my bedspread to keep my arm from going numb. I repeated verses that I had memorized in my head to keep from crying. (It was very hard to lay there, feeling blood pumping into you, remembering having to expose your whole body to complete strangers and letting them feel you and poke you and stick their fingers and their needles and probes everywhere)

The doctors have to wait four hours before they can test my hemoglobin again and get accurate readings. So at about 8:45 that morning, they came in, shot a needle in my arm and drew blood. My momma and I waited around the whole morning, watching I love Lucy and Little House on the Prairie (I love both of these shows, but they get really old REALLY fast). At noon, a doctor came in, and told me I needed one more unit of blood. That was so hard. By that time, I wanted out. I didn't want to stick around for another three hours.

But I didn't really have a choice. My hemoglobin was still pretty low, and I wasn't completely out of the woods, so I needed that extra unit.

You know what I hate about the hospital? You have no control over your situation. The doctors need to poke you with needles, undress you, take your blood? You can't say no. It's for YOUR health, but its YOUR body, you're the one who has to deal with uncomfort and pain. I hate when doctors pull a huge needle on you and say "this will only pinch for a second" and then give you the worst shot of your life. I hate when doctors ask you personal questions, and talk about your bleeding like they are discussing the weather. I hate hospital food. It almost made me throw up. I HATE hospital food. I had next to no food throughout my long stay there, and I lost two and a half pounds.

These last few days have been hard. The worst days of my life. But you all helped through it, Hannah left me a sweet voicemail that I listened to at least five times, Jenna texted me through the whole process and stayed up super late even though she had school the next day, and the nurses were kind. I have bruises and gashes and pokes on my arms, but my lips are re-gaining color and I can RUN up the stairs without being out of breath (believe me, that is SO nice). Even though I'm technically not supposed to ("absolutely no physical strain whatsoever").

I'm exhausted. But I feel better. I have to forget the needles, the pain, the awkwardness, the probing, the tests. I have to remember your AMAZING comments, my nearness to God, my amazing friends, my amazing family.

What really made me feel bad about this whole thing was that yesterday was Ab's birthday. Momma had to be at the hospital all night and wasn't there to wake her up by singing happy birthday. She wasn't there to take pictures of her eating doughnuts. She wasn't there to take her for ice-cream early in the morning. She wasn't there to pamper her and make her feel special because she was with me at the ER. And yesterday was Daddy's BIG presentation at work. He got no sleep two nights ago, and little sleep Tuesday night (staying with me until like midnight), so he was tired for his presentation. He did really well, but I'm sure he would have done even better if I hadn't been shipped to the hospital. It wasn't my fault, I know that, but...you know. I can't help but feeling bad.

You guys have helped me SO much, and I just want to give you a huge HUG for being there for me! :-)

All that I have to do now is take it easy and get my hemoglobin up there again. No more needles and blood. Hallelujah. :-)

Simplicity :: How we make life SO complicated...

2010-04-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

I slept over at Jenna's house a few nights ago. It was insane - like all sleepovers with your best friend are. :-)

She brought me to church the next morning, and afterwards, her daddy and my daddy tried to coordinate the exchange of my sleepover stuff. Her daddy got in his car with my stuff, my daddy got in his car on the other side of the parking lot, and it took literally twenty minutes for them to finally pull over by each other and exchange the stuff.

It was hilarious because this simple task took so long to execute. It could have taken five minutes, but instead it took twenty.

And it's like...sometimes, I wonder how much harder I'm making it on myself with life in general. Where I could have simplicity, I have complications. Stress, worry, anxiety - all these things are NOT of God. God is peace...

I walk up the stairs, and I'm literally exhuasted. My lungs are stinging, my knees feel like they are made of burning jelly, and I'm breathing as hard as I am after running three miles. That's what happens when I WALK up the stairs. Not run, but WALK.

As of three weeks ago, I could run three miles in 25 minutes (which isn't so great, but, you know, whatever). Now? I can't run up one flight of STEPS much less run three miles! I'm so...so...WEAK. It's like all I can do is sit at my desk and twiddle my thumbs.

Yesterday, it was pretty nice out, and my mom, Peter and I were doing a project outside. Afterwards, Peter snatched a squirt gun and began chasing after me with it. I ran for ten seconds, max, away from him. I was so out of breath that it was impossible for me to keep running. I pretty much just collapsed on the pavement and lay for about five minutes, gasping.

Ten seconds of running did that to me.

I don't know what's happening to me. For the last seven days or so, I have been able to do nothing of physical strain. I feel like a parasite or something, just sitting around, reading, writing, blogging, designing, taking pictures, texting. I used to run two or three times a week, and two or three miles at a time. I lifted weights, did stretches, went golfing, played soccer, did work projects outside - and now, what am I doing? Sitting around, doing nothing.

This whole thing...however blatant this may seem, I am FREAKED.

I had my blood tested a few weeks ago, if you remember, and we heard back from the doctor. My blood is apparently normal, but this intense exhaustion didn't start until a few days after the appointment. So we're going again in a few hours to get my blood tested again (nooo...more needles .__.).

What's happening with my blood is that, well, let's just call it anemia. It's where my body doesn't have enough healthy red blood cells, which account for "fatigue" (one of the main symptoms) and low iron in the blood, which can cause the body to be sick. That's what the doctor suggested, but that was before she tested my blood, so I'm not exactly sure what I have.

It's really just...making my life a lot more complicated. I'm anxious, discouraged, and it's a lot harder for me to laugh and just really enjoy life. It's making me crabby and down all the time...please just pray for me.

I may not be able to run, or exercise vigorously, for a few more weeks...but I just need to look on the brighter side of things. It'll give me more time for these things...

I just need to give all of this anxiety about this to Him...He can carry it a lot better than I can. Prayer would still be really appreciated...I'll keep you posted if we hear anything more. Meanwhile...I'll go help clean up the furnace room (our septic is clogged). Yuck.

PARTY TIME :: The Magic of ShrinkyDinks

2010-04-26T10:37:00.000-07:00

Oh that picture is so pixelated it hurts my eyes to look at it.

Ever heard of ShrinkyDinks? They're MAGICAL. How does that relate to anything? Weeeeell...

My sister Ab had a birthday party a few days ago, and it was crazy awesome (I love birthday parties, :-). (It ended on a bad note. Ab's best friend went home early, and left my sister in tears)

There were beautiful decorations, fun games, lots of laughter, goofy pictures and yummy food.

Oh, and did I mention there were CRAFTS? Make the connection?

We did ShrinkyDink crafts, and it was rather stressful :: though very productive. :-)

First of all, there were four impatient kids and only one set of markers...

Then! The ShrinkyDinks wrinkle up when placed in the oven, and I got a panic attack because I thought they would stay like that.

I wasn't the only one anxious about them...the kiddos were huddled around the oven the whole five minutes the ShrinkyDinks were in there.

Here's the easy chair that's supposed to be a heart, a minute before you take the pan out.

(This picture is even more pixelated than the ShrinkyDink one)

The final product!

(this one is pixelated also, as it is a crop)

Now tell me that ShrinkyDink isn't MAGICAL!

Well?

2010-04-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

I re-did the header. At first I didn't like it...but it's growing on me. ;-)

Better? Worse?

(and this has gotta be the shortest post I have ever written...)

Yes, I've Done It AGAIN...

2010-04-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes. I've done it again.

Re-designed my blog. I don't know, I just didn't like the feel of the previous one...that balloon kid got really old really fast. Plus I just LOVE designing...and you won't believe it!

I bought my VERY first digital scrapbooking kit! Yes, you read it right: I BOUGHT it.

Haha. I'm very proud. Best six dollars I've ever spent. ;-)

Now, I know that the look isn't PERFECT and it doesn't look very professional (yes, Mom, it's "imagery". Inside joke. )...buuut. You know I have Gimp, right? Yeah. Can't do a ton with it - plus I'm just not that great.

Someday, I WILL get photoshop CS4 and lightroom...

...buuut it won't be for a while. Don't have a thousand dollars lying around collecting dust. Anyways. You like the look?

Comment and tell me what you think...I saved xcfs of all the files, so if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. ;-)

Now off to watch The Matrix all by my lonesome...my usual movie-watching buddy (my bro) is gone on a sleepover. Not that I'm complaining...I love the movie. ;-)

I. Hate. Gimp.

2010-04-23T06:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, the dreaded moment has arrived - I show you some of my poetry that I wrote a while ago. Note: poetry does not come naturally to me. At times, I have moments where I just know I can write poetry - and then it completely flops. I know I'm terrible, but I wrote it while I was waiting for Gimp to load - I had to vent somehow, right? ;)

i hate gimp, so crude and bad
it aborts my work, makes me sad
it drives me crazy, so i must
grit my teeth and try not to bust

i wish that i could delete it from
my 'puter but the will wont come
i want to scream, i want to cry
oh how i want gimp to die

i want to stab its evil heart
i want to tear it all apart
i have no money to buy better
so i must use gimp, a curséd fetter
bekah grace, march 2010

Yeah, don't think so bad of me...as I said before, poetry is not my strong point. (and I can only stand poetry that rhymes, haha)

I'm just reading it over again and laughing so hard because of how bad it is. "I want to stab its evil heart, I want to tear it all apart." Jeepers. Didn't know Gimp had a heart.

Pause :: Slow Down :: I need to BREATHE!

2010-04-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

I hate the feeling when you first realize you've done something wrong, morally, spiritually, physically. That initial pang of your conscience - and if your conscience is anything like mine, you'll get no rest until you right that which you did wrong.

Like when I flop into bed at eleven o'clock at night, needing sleep after a long evening - and then I realize I didn't floss my teeth. Vivid images of cavities and dead teeth fill my mind, until, you guessed it, I drag myself out of bed and grab a floss.

Or, when Ab [younger sister] asks me to do her hair when I'm in the middle of doing mine - and I snap at her. My conscience screams and wails until I apologize and spend half-an-hour curling her hair.

Oh yes, I hate when my conscience can't seem to be quiet. All of a sudden, a few nights ago, it began screaming and clamoring - why?

Scroll up and take a look at that picture again - terrible, isn't it? It's all grainy, and unfocused, and full of noisy colors. It hurts my eyes to look at it.

And honestly, that's what life has been like lately. I feel like I've been walking around, knocking into everything because I've been so out of focus.

I wish I could just pause life. Slow it down...I need to have time to breathe! And this infernal busyness - it's not from school. In fact, school is almost nonexistant because I have finished all my classes. So, why am I so busy?

It's from life lived focused on unimportant things.

I've just been so concerned with petty things that don't matter - they burn me out, wear me down. I feel so tired writing this...where has the beauty of life disappeared to?

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. Ecclesiastes 2:11

Ahh. "Chasing after the wind." I feel like that's what I've been doing - chasing after the wind. Sigh. It's tiring - fills me with bone-jarring weariness. Busying myself with meaningless things...it's exhausting.

This morning, I sat and prayed and read the Bible for half-an-hour before breakfast.

And it was SO relaxing. I had this slight time to just breathe. To be renewed. To be revived.

You have filled my heart with great joy...I will lie down and sleep in peace. Psalm 4: 7-8

"Each man's life touches so many other lives..."

2010-04-20T17:58:00.000-07:00

It's just been one of those days - a mish-mash day. (Try saying "mish-mash" five times fast ^_^) Some parts good, some parts bad, some parts in between.

Take sitting out in the sun for a few hours over lunch as an example. Now that's good. Really good.

Take watching It's A Wonderful Life with popcorn. Now that's good too.

It's A Wonderful Life is one of those "feel-good" movies. It's not exactly tense, or action-filled, but leaves you with this warm fuzzy feeling inside your stomach. Like this one line that Clarence (the angel) said...

Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?

You know...you ever get that feeling that you don't matter? That no-one appreciates you?

The truth is...

You MATTER.

To your family, to your friends - but especially to God. You MATTER to Him.

God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son so that whoever believes in Him may not be lost, but have eternal life. John 3:16

He LOVES you, and He wants to know you, and He appreciates you more than you could ever know...Ahh. That's a kind of security that I couldn't do without. :-)

The Greatest, the Amazingest, the Craziest

2010-04-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

You know those people in your life who change everything for the better? Those people that are your hero, role-model, and best friend all at once?

That's my mom.

We celebrated her birthday on Sunday...and had tons of fun. :)

All I can say is...

My family ROCKS!

Two words: Relaxation and randomness. ^_^

So Do Dreams Die...

2010-04-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

A writer.

Ever since age nine, that's how I've defined myself. "I write. That makes me a writer." From the moment I had that revelation, it became my catch phrase. Never did I doubt it, all those years - I'm a writer. That's who I am. That's who I always will be.

My writing notebook - just dying to be written in again.

But things change. Just as relationships cool, just as a rainbow fades, just as all good things need to come to an end - so do dreams die.

So do passions end.

I don't know who I am anymore - I don't know with what words to define myself. Am I a writer? I don't know anymore. Am I a photographer? I don't know anymore. Am I a reader? I don't know anymore.

And if I don't know...

...does that even matter?...

I tried writing just a few minutes ago. I really tried. I sat there at my computer, stared at where I left off in my dying novel that has a brilliant plot but no heart, and realized for the first time how little I really know myself.

I don't know how to define myself. I don't know what I'm like. I don't know how I act. I don't know my habits, my hobbies, my interests - and if I did, I wouldn't understand how to develop them.

...

There's these plants out in the backyard. Each of them have beautiful flowers that blossom in the summer - but right now, they're just buds.

Do I doubt that someday these buds will blossom into flowers?

No.

God knows who I am and who I need to become - and I need to trust Him with that. I need to let go, and to trust that He will revive what needs to be revived.

I am a pile of embers, but He will blow new life into me...that I am sure of, just as I am confident that the sun will rise in the morning...

I can't wait for those plants to blossom. :)

IT CAME!! :: and Some Fun Giveaways

2010-04-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

What came? What came?

Take a look at these and see if you can't figure it out...

Still haven't got it? Feast your eyes on THESE, then...

Oh yeah. It's my phone. ~~My awesome phone.~~ My very first, positively wonderful, incredible-beyond-belief phone. (there we go - that's better than "awesome", right? ;)

Still getting the hang of it - can't figure out for the life of me how to record my answering voice-mail. But honestly, you should have seen me when the UPS guy came. I could have hugged him. ^_^

On a completely different note, my buddy Eldarwen is having a pretty sweet blog party over at her blog. I would tell everyone to go enter - but the fact is, I want to win, so the less entries, the greater my chance of winning. So please don't enter.(I know, I'm so considerate ^_^)

1) How old are you?

I'm twelve. Ohh the agony. I'm almost thirteen - honestly. ^_^

2) What name do you go by on blogger?

Bekah.

3) When is your birthday?

June 27th. See, I told you I was almost thirteen.

4) If you could live anywhere in the world, besides where you live now, where would it be?

Florida.

5) How did you find out about Blogger?

My friend made a blog, and so honestly I was intrigued - so I made the switch from HSB (homeschool blogger) to Blogger. Am so thankful I did.

6) Tell us something interesting about yourself.

Well...I'm a blondie (and ~~sometimes~~ often act like one), I am the most disorganized person on the face of this earth, I think html is incredible, and I have a severed tendon in my middle finger of my left hand.

7) What was your favorite toy when you were little?

My webkinz (haha, I was so obsessed with them ^_^), my bunny rabbit named Violet (*coughs* still is my favorite toy ;), and a barbie that I named Mandie and was my best friend.

8) What is your favorite meal? Have you ever cooked/helped cook that meal?

My mom's special macoroni. It's this organic kind of macoroni, and she puts special cheese sauce on it that is HEAVENLY and I could eat it forever. I have cooked it so many times - it's my favorite meal, for Pete's sake. ;)

9) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Oh...well, that's not a very nice question. ^_^ But I'll answer it anyway...I would change the fact that I always mispronounce every other word that I use. Honestly, something wacko must be going on with my brain because I still think "IG-norant" looks like "ig-nore-ANT" and "ane-GEL-ic" looks like "ANGEL-ic".

10) Are you an outside person, or an inside person?

An outside person. Definitely.

11) Are you a mommy's boy/girl, or a daddy's boy/girl?

That's like asking if I like talking or laughing better - it's an impossible question to answer.

My daddy and I are so similar in so many different ways - we like the same foods, like the same hobbies, like the same music, etc. But my momma and I are so close and have such deep trust between us...Yeah. I won't be able to answer that question. ^_^

12) In one word, describe the feeling you get when you stub your toe, after just being told by your parents that you are grounded for the next month:

Regretful.

13) Let's say you TP'd your friend's house. If someone asked you why you TP'd your friends house, you would say:

That's an odd question - do I look like the person who would TP someone's house? But if I did TP someone's house, I would say when asked why, "It was a joke...? Need me to help clean it up?"

14) Have you ever gone swimming in deep, dark, dirty water?

Uh no. Not on my life. I would get paranoid.

15) Have you ever dreamed about getting ready to leave the house, and forgetting to get your pants on?

Nope, thank goodness. ^_^

16) Have you ever done something so ridiculous, that you wish you'd never done it? If so, what?

Who hasn't? Let me think a second...hm. Honestly, I can't think of any, because there's been sooo many.

17) Imagine that you saw a purse snatching. What would you do?

a. scream and run away.

b. move out of the state/country.

c. tackle the purse snatcher to the ground.

d. ignore it, start whistling, and turn the other direction.

No competition. Definitely c. ^_^

18) How many friends do you have on blogger?

Many. Many, many, many.

19) What makes blogging so much fun for you?

I don't know - I guess I just love writing about my life. I love sharing pictures, getting sympathetic comments, and reading everyone's wonderful blogs. Blogger is just a great way to connect with other incredible people - and learn more about yourself in the process. :)

20) You're a turtle, who has bet that you can win a race with a rabbit. How does it turn out?

With me winning, of course. ^_^

That was fun - Eldarwen deserves lots of entries...sooo GO ENTER! (I'm going to regret saying that when I don't win the sweet giveaway...haha ;)

And my other friend Hannah is having a fun little thingy...I don't know what to call it. But there are sweet prizes.

The question is what is our favorite game...haha. Funny. I love it, though.

And my answer?...

Hand and Foot.

It's this old, complicated card-game that my grandparents taught my family years ago and that we have played ever since. I love playing it because of all the memories that are intertwined with the game.

A few years ago, my siblings and I went to my grandma's cabin with our two awesome cousins (David, 13; and Mat, 8)--and it was just the kids and Grandma and Grandpa...no parents.

One night, we ate tomato soup, hot chocolate, ice-cream and apples (a BAD combination). The kids then proceeded to play Hand and Foot. In the middle of the game, Ab (my younger sister) got up suddenly, looking kind of sick. I jumped up (I was like nine years old), clamped my hand over her mouth, and rushed her to the bathroom. She managed to hold her puke in, until we reached the bathroom, and it exploded out of her mouth, spraying through my fingers all over everything...

I'm not going to go into many disgusting details...but it was purple and chunky, all over my face and hands and her face and the walls and the floor and the mirror...

Oh yes. A very fond memory that I am reminded of every single time we play Hand and Foot. ;)

"Playing Mail" :: Feeling Nostalgic :: and My Morning

2010-04-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

My daddy has these junk mail scattered all over his desk. I was looking through them, and there was one that had one of those fake credit-cards in them, y'know?

Well, I had this best friend a long time ago - at least five years ago. She lives in the neighborhood still, but we have totally lost touch. Well, when I was about seven or eight, I would go over to her house for hours (literally - HOURS!) and I would bring all of my daddy's junk mail. She would have a pile of junk mail, and we would sit down at her kitchen table and open all of those letters.

I remember feeling really grown-up, sitting there, eating popcorn and opening letters. We would discuss the letters in British accents ("They spelled my last name wrong!" "Oh my - they say if I call them, I could get fifteen per-cent off on car in-shure-eence. What's car in-shure-eence?") and pretend to have tea parties.

Sigh. Can't help but miss those days.

______________________________________

Anyways, I had to go to the doctor this morning to check my hemoglobin, or something like that. The doctor sent me to the lab to get my blood tested - that was a warning flag for me. While my momma and I were waiting outside the lab, I asked her (full of apprehension) if they would have to prick my finger. (I hate that sort of stuff)

"No, it'll be a little bit bigger than that," she replied, picking up a magazine.

"WHAT?! What do you mean, a little bit bigger than that?!"

She didn't reply.

"Needles?!" I demanded.

"Uh...yeah. They'll put a needle into your blood vessel. It won't hurt that much."

Before I had time to thoroughly think that over and get freaked out, the lab-woman came. I sat in one of those big chairs and sure enough, she made me push my sleeve up to my elbow, found my blood vessel in the crook of my arm, and stuck a long needle in there. (In reality, it wasn't that long - but any needle is freaky, right?)

There was a pinch, and then the can attached to the needle began to rapidly fill up with blood. Despite my nausea, I was honestly fascinated. She filled up four cans with my dark ruby blood, and then cut a little gash into my other arm to see how long it would take me to stop bleeding.

Every fifteen seconds, the lab-woman would scrape a piece of paper across the gash to soak up the blood. That hurt. It took eight minutes for the wound to stop bleeding - the longest eight minutes of my life.

I was so glad to get out of there - believe me. SO glad. ^_^

______________________________________

When we got home, my younger siblings were playing a board game with my younger cousin (who is over for the day). They were so cute - all playing together happily. (Peter is the one with glasses, Abby the gal, and Matthew the one with the blue shirt.)

As I write this, Peter (younger brother) and Matthew (cousin) are playing basketball around me - sometimes chucking the ball at me just to see how I'll react.

A few minutes ago, Peter accidently bumped Mat into the wall, and Mat got a big bruise. I was concerned that Mat was going to blow up at Peter or something. Peter shouted:

Mat! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hit you into the wall!

Mat replied (after about thirty seconds of groaning):

Hey, Pete, that's okay. It's okay, Pete. Let's start the game over. Let's start over. Ouch. Come on, Pete.

It was so cute - isn't it amazing how forgiving they are? (They're both eight years old - and great friends. It's so cute to see them together. :)

And Mat totally forgot about what happened - even though he has a bruise the size of a baseball on his back!

______________________________________

Oh, and one more thing. Peter and Ab were blowing bubbles yesterday afternoon - just gotta show you the cute pictures I got. :)

Thank God for the Bible and Brian Reagan

2010-04-14T11:53:00.000-07:00

Public speaking.

Tell me that doesn't fill you with dread. OoooOOOooh. (that was a very loud sigh to get rid of all the tension)

I have this writing class that I'm in--and it's pretty sweet. But at the end of the year (a.k.a. now), each of the students has to give a presentation of his/her portfolio....AAAhhhhhhhhHHHH!! (that was a shriek that revealed all of my freaked-out-ness at such an assignment)

3 minutes. 25 people - give or take a couple, I am terrible at estimating (that means FIFTY EYES!). Standing up there all by yourself. Knees shaking. Hands wobbling. Voice stuttering. Face burning.

Sound fun?!

Not on my life.

So this morning, I was feeling very stressed - don't laugh, I'm like that, I get stressed over the littlest things. I realized I just had to take it to God, so I was praying that I wouldn't be so nervous - and I felt this urge to open Exodus. I opened it, and my eyes caught here:

Moses said to the Lord, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue." The Lord said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

Isn't that just insane?!

And it made me feel soooo much better, and my stress disappeared like...like...oh I don't know what it disappeared like, but believe me it disappeared! No butterflies, no sweat, no weak-knees - nothing!

I practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced and you get the picture - so I was prepared.

And I don't think I did so bad.

I mean, honestly, I could have been better. I talked a bit fast at the beginning before catching myself and slowing down - and I admit, when I got up there and felt all those eyes, my stomach did jump around a bit, but I remembered that verse (and Brian Reagan - we've been watching a lot of him lately, and he was totally comfortable cracking jokes in front of thousands of people - so I figured if he could do that, I could do 25 people). I did fine...I think. I hope. ^_^

And you won't believe it! I only mispronounced one word! Stupid "blithe". Doesn't that word look like "blih-the", how was I supposed to know it was "bly-thhh"?

Anyways, I am so relieved THAT is over.

SURPRISE!

2010-04-13T09:09:00.000-07:00

Well, there. I've done it.

Finally re-did my blog. After weeks of designing, deleting, re-designing, and re-deleting, I finally have my "new look".

Opinions? You all just have to tell me what you think! :)

(I'm sorry to have caused confusion, I made my blog private for a while so I could fiddle with it all I wanted to without making things look screwy.)

And as a side-note...

I'm waiting anxiously for something to arrive in the mail. I ordered it on Sunday (or rather, my daddy ordered it) and am going to burst if it doesn't come today.

Hint: it has a QWERTY keyboard. :)

Blog Parade Winners, Empty Chairs, and Where The...

2010-04-10T06:31:00.000-07:00

I got up at 7:30 on a Saturday morning to draw names...astonishing, huh?

The winner of The Hunger Games is Alexandra! (number 42)

The winner of the adorable tote and necklace is Jenna! (number 80)

Congratulations, you two! Email me with your addresses, and I will pack your prizes and send them off as soon as possible.

Well, what if...you don't want your prizes? Email me just the same, and I will re-draw and give your prize away to someone else.

Thanks everyone for participating--I had a blast.
____________________________________

I put my iPod on shuffle the other night, and Empty Chairs at Empty Tables from Les Miserables started playing...it is now my favorite song in the whole wide world. It's so sad, and it's directly in my voice-range so I can sing it really loud without my voice cracking (which is nice ^_^). My voice goes pretty low--the last line, I can't hit, but the rest I can.

Anyways, you all need to listen to the song if you haven't--like seriously. Your life will be changed.
____________________________________

And guess what I watched last night? Where the Wild Things Are.

I'm a huge sucker for little kid books, little kid movies, etc.--and I loved this movie. It was so adorable.

Now read this. It made me cry so hard.

Max: Did you make this?

Carol: Yeah, yeah.

Max: It's very good.

Carol: We were gonna make a whole world like this. Now, everyone used to come here, but you know... you know what it feels like when all your teeth are falling out really slowly and you don't realize and then you notice that, well, they're really far apart. And then one day... you don't have any teeth anymore.

Max: Yeah.

Carol: Well it was like that.

And the movie...the movie was really sad. Like REALLY really sad. But it was so good...I want to buy it really badly.
____________________________________

Bloggie-bash winners, don't forget to email me with your address so I can send the prizes to you! :)

Again, thanks to everyone who participated. It was awesome. :)

You know those little things....

2010-04-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

....that take so much out of you? Those itty bitty things that shouldn't annoy the crud out of you but do?

Ahhh. My day has been filled with them, or rather, the past few weeks.

I've been having...well let's put it this way: I've been having some friend problems. I've always thought of my friends as incredible, flawless, amazing, etc. But the people who I always thought would be with me have been drifting away.

The little things they say, I say, they do, I do--they are like pin-pricks. The little things keep pricking, and pricking--constantly, some days more than others--and I honestly am going to scream from frustration. I can only take so many pin-pricks, you know?

And my friends are amazing. But we've been growing up, and our relationships have been changing as we are changing--the friendships which I thought I could depend upon forever are crumbling beneath my feet.

It started out with a simple question.

"Is everything okay?" Mom asked.

And the truth was, everything wasn't okay, and I was really hoping that she would ask that question so I could talk about it.

Those pin-pricks, they hurt. When a friend doesn't hug you good-bye, or makes an off-hand comment, or puts you down in front of other people, or laughs at your habits--that hurts. It really hurts. And I hate hiding my hurt, because it makes it worse.

I talked with my momma for about an hour, about all the things that have been accumulating between me and my friends for months. The little things she said, and she did: they uplifted me. They put me back together, and ameliorated my pain.

There are a lot of little things in life, and there are a lot of big things.

Some little things make you hurt, like when you get made fun of in front of everyone.

But some little things make you feel so good...

Like an email from your mom that makes your whole day:

I LOVE your new picture on your blog! It is so nice! I tried to comment, but still was lost……
Mom

Or a cute picture that you stumble upon that makes you start laughing even though it's not that funny...

These little things, they make life sweet. And I can't hold on to the little things that sting, they're just going to make me feel worse. I have to remember that hour-long talk, that email, that picture.

And that talk with my mom, made me realize:

It's not my friends that are truly important, it's my family.

You know what they say, after all....

Friends may come and go, but family is forever.

It's been one of those blech afternoons...

2010-04-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

The weather is blank outside...chilly winds, overcast skies--where did that sun disappear to?! Yesterday I was in a tank-top and shorts!

Because of the chilly winds, I've been stuck inside--no running or golfing. Sigh. Seems like I've been sitting at my desk all day long...doing school. More specifically, science and writing--I've finished up most of my other classes.

Writing isn't so bad. I'm working on my portfolio for the class I'm taking, so that's been pretty fun...if school can be called fun.

Science. Ugh. I've been working with this all day long... "In most leaves, the color of chlorophyll overwhelms the colors of the plastids..." Sigh again.

I would look at this afternoon as a definite down, but there's been one benefit from the weather...

...I finished designing Anna's blog! I think it's pretty cute and artsy fartsy (being inside all day long puts ODD phrases into my head...)

Mmmm. I feel like bursting into laughter when reading the phrase "artsy fartsy." My stomach is getting all tight, and laughter is bubbling up my throat...

...Couldn't hold it back, I'm laughing. Which is probably a good thing.

I'm telling you, this weather is driving me crazy. Being holed up all day just does that to me.

I feel like making this face...

Ha. I tried to integrate this adorable picture into the post subtly, but it didn't work. The fact is, I just want to see what you guys think of the picture. Isn't it cute?!

To top it all off, I have had a line from a Geico commercial stuck in my head all day long...

It's the bee's knees!

He Tasted Death

2010-04-04T12:46:00.000-07:00

Easter. When I was younger--even last year!--I looked forward to Easter primarily because of all the chocolate. My gramma is huge on buying us tons of chocolate and Reeses and Mike Ike's and all that good stuff. Believe me, when Easter rolls around, we got us some serious chocolate stocks.

Good Friday. I looked forward to that because we got to go to our church and I liked seeing all my friends. Plus, in the Good Friday service there was no sermon--just worship and the Passion clips. How awesome is that?! Mmhm. Great attitude, right?

This year, Good Friday and Easter and Jesus's sacrifice--it was all real to me. I felt alive for the first time in months--and frankly, I just wanted to honor Him with my alive-ness this Easter season. So I payed attention this Good Friday service....

...and I was blown away. My church's Good Friday service is beyond incredible. It is mind-boggling. The awesome band played "Breath of Heaven" with Elizabeth Hunnicutt singing (not entirely sure if it was her, but she sings a lot at Open Door, so I'm pretty sure) near the end over silent clips of the Passion, and I could not stop crying. They had roses and Charlotte Church and "Silent Please" sessions and prayer and worship and dim lights and scripture and clips from the Passion of Christ.

This morning. Easter morning service. Again, I listened instead of letting my mind wander--and again I was blown away.

Our pastor, Dave Johnson, discussed Jesus's death, and talked about things I honestly never thought about.

You ever wonder what happened to Jesus in the three days His body was lying in a tomb?

I haven't. At all. My mind has always flowed from His crucifixion to his resurrection--I never thought about what happened in between.

He tasted death--but the crucifixion wasn't death itself. It was the process of dying.

There's a verse that the pastor gave, I can't remember the reference. But it said that Jesus went into the "lower parts of the earth" to "taste death for every man" (or something along those lines.)

In order for Jesus to experience death's grip, in order to break it and to gain the keys of hell He had to go to hell. For three days. Imagine what He went through. At the hands of the enemy for three days. The torture and agony of the crucifixion was just the beginning.

But then the morning of the third day dawned, and Jesus ascended from the fury of hell. He conquered death--my death, your death. He took our sins and paid the price so we don't have to.

Tell me that doesn't give you shivers! I went cold when I heard it.

Because of Him, we are free. Now that is much more worthy to celebrate than chocolate.

I Officially Hate MckLinky and My Answers! ;)

2010-04-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

Did I just say "hate"? I'm sorry.

I officially ~~hate~~ don't understand Mcklinky.

It closed the parade on me! Good grief.

At the end of this post, I'll be listing all the links. Comment, add your link, and I will edit this post adding your link. Kapeesh? ;)

1. If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would you say?

Eccentric.

2. If you could go anywhere in the world with anyone you wanted to, where would you go and who with?

Egypt with my best friends. I would love to see those pyramids--and become a pharaoh while I'm at it.

3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

Invisibility. Honestly, think about it for a sec: how much fun would it be to play pranks on people?!

4. What is one habit (or two ;) that you get teased about a lot?

Putting myself down (apparently I do it aaaall the time), calling out fonts (I know I do that all the time) and being so gullible it’s insane. Jenna told me the other day that she was related to Bill Gates—and I believed her.

5. What is (or are) your food obsession(s)?

Skippy’s peanut butter all the way.

6. What is the best April Fools prank you pulled on someone or that someone pulled on you?
Ach, I’ve had so many pulled on me it’s not even funny. It would be tedious to go through them all.

7. If you were an inanimate object, what would you be?

A pair of headphones. Of course.

8. Let's say you could change the world in one way. How would you change it?
Abortion being legal. Ohhhmiword I wish I could change that.

9. You have a million dollars (*gasp* ;). How do you spend it?College, car, camera accessories, a new laptop--and I would donate a lot of it to Feed My Starving Children. Oh, and did I mention Photoshop CS4 and Lightroom?

10. What is one thing that always takes your breath away? (That could mean in a good way OR a bad way)It’s never the same thing. Sometimes it’s a snowfall, a sunrise, a library, dew in the morning, a Bible verse, a page from my biology textbook—it varies. ;)

11. You are granted three wishes. What do you wish for? (Remember, you can't wish for more wishes ;)I would wish that the government would become more God-centered, that a cure for cancer would be found soon, and that I could speak twenty languages fluently. Oh, and I know I'm cheating--but I would love to have a great voice.

12. You can spend the day with one character from a book or series that you've read. Who is that character?I thought this would be really easy to answer, but in reality, it’s not. But I think I would say Moaning Myrtle from the Harry Potter series. I would love to meet her. ^_^

13. What is something odd or interesting about you that is not commonly known?I was going to say I’m really gullible, but everyone that knows me knows that, and besides I mentioned that earlier. So now, I’m going to say that I am fascinated by the brain and would love to learn about psychology.

Also, I love killing my characters, though pretty much all my friends know that. It’s so much fun. ;)

14. What is one thing that you absolutely positively cannot stand?Corny or cliché endings to books or movies. Augh, they drive me crazy. I would rather have a morbid ending than a corny one.

15. Say you commited a crime. The judge gives you a choice between sentences: twenty years of complete solitude in the mountains or never having another moment alone for the rest of your life. Your choice?I was going to say solitude, but I know I would be driven insane. So then I was going to choose the never alone alternative, but honestly? Would I really never want to be alone for the rest of my life?

I’m sticking with solitude. As long as I was able to bring along Carrey and Amanda (camera [named after Jim Carrey] and laptop).

16. What is one benefit that blogging has given you?Ohmiword, definitely meeting all of my awesome friends (Ab, Melian, Marissa, Morgan, Kylie, Lynnette, Awel, Earwen, Emily Joy, Cassie, Olive Tree—everybody. ;).

17. A perfect day in your eyes would be...?
A day filled with friends, family, Carrey, Amanda, writing, music and designing. Pretty vague but oh so true.

Link Up! Upon My Return {Blog} Parade

2010-03-31T07:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it’s March 31st, but I’m going to be really busy tomorrow so I opened it a day early. Go ahead and link up! You will be automatically entered into my (awesome) giveaways. (click the link to get the questions)

Also: the MckLinky opens at 12:00. Just as a side-note.

EDIT! I changed the code, hope this works.

Like a Pair of Broken Headphones

2010-03-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

I have this pair of headphones. They're not expensive headphones, they're not insanely comfortable headphones--but they're nice and squishy and have a noise-blocking setting that I use a lot.

Anyways, I was carelessly wrapping them up to put them away when I accidently tore the left ear-phone cushion out. I have done it before, and it's easy to fix it--but I didn't take the time. I said, Oh, I can fix it later. I'm too busy right now.

They lay there on my desk, in their pitiful broken state, and when I had to use them, I tried to ignore the discomfort because I didn't want to have to fix them.

And honestly, that's what my life has been like recently. My life is like that pair of headphones--broken, laying around, useless and uncomfortable.

The last few months have been dry months. Dead months. Silent months. I pushed God into the back of my mind, and replaced Him with school and friends.

In the mornings, I would leave my Bible sitting in its corner, and would pull out my journal instead. I would pray--but would I really pray? No. I would pray about shallow things--things that didn't really matter. I didn't really pray. I didn't really give God the time that He deserved.

I went through the past few months of my life without God: working hard at school, socializing with friends, journaling, blog designing, going to church, saying the right things, listening to the right music--even managing to pray and leave God out of it!

Honestly, I was scared of surrending my life to God.

I have tried to completely commit my life to Jesus many times in the past few years. Sometimes it's just a verse that I come upon. I break down and say "God, I can't do this anymore--please help me." But then I fall back into old habits, old sins, old mind-sets. Other times, it's just a resolution late at night--and then I break promises and I banish God from my mind.

Somehow, I thought that if I said, "I'm going to commit my life to Jesus now," enough times, I would truly commit my life to Him.

But anything that I say, or that I do, or that I think--it won't turn my life around.

It has to be Him.

I don't know how to describe my life--except by saying dry. And dead. My feeble attempts at surrendering finally collapsed.

I would take two steps from the side-lines to the field, only to become frightened of what other people thought of me or what they wouldn't think of me and I careened back to pretending.

And I was sick of doing that. I could feel myself falling back, hesitating, pulling away. And I hated that.

So I stopped. I stopped pretending. I stopped hesitating.

I did commit--but to the wrong thing--I commited to ignoring God. I pulled away for good--or so I thought. I was sick of God and how He seemingly messed up my life and then took off.

Everything went wrong. I tried to immerse myself in friends, only to find myself ruining the best relationship I had. I tried to focus primarily on school, only to become more and more stressed and lose more and more sleep. I tried to act happy and carefree, only to realize that other people were noticing how different I acted and asking if they could pray for me.

Life is a wreck without God. I've tried to live without Him for the last few months--and they were the worst of my life. Dry. Dead. Silent.

That's what comes from trying to do everything on my own.

And the worst part was: I couldn't talk to anybody about it because I was scared of what they would think. Would they judge me because I "hated" God and didn't want anything to do with Him? Would they try and pray for me?--because that's what I hated the most: someone praying for me when I told myself I didn't need it.

Then Ab posts, and it seemed like God was trying to speak to me. I kind of acknowledged how wonderful the post was, and then moved on with my broken life. I wished that that could be me--that I could do what she did and completely surrender. But I thought, It never will be me.

Then Hannah and Marissa post, both of them opening their heart and sharing their journey and how their relationship with God needs to become something better.

God truly urged me to join with them, dancing on that field, becoming one with Him.

I'm sick of how I was living: independent, and because of that, sad and lonely. I can't live without Him. That's just the truth.

I regret those months living apart. Those months could have been beautiful, but because I chose to divide myself from Christ, they were so cold. Cold. Dry. Dead. Silent.

I fixed my headphones. And you know what? It took five minutes to fix them. Five minutes.

I chose a week of discomfort over five minutes of effort.

And again, this mirrors my life. I chose months of loneliness and deadness over talking with God and renewing myself in His word.

What did it take for God to wake me up? Just three blogs and a pair of broken headphones.

I Love Designing and...

2010-03-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

Just finished designing Jenna's blog...you gotta tell me what you think. The colors are nice, no? ;)

I like the nav-bar--but then again, I love all nav-bars because they bring organization to the blog.

My appreciation of nav-bars is kind of ironic because I'm such a disorganized person in real life. Most of my friends say they couldn't live with messes--but I have no problem with being surrounded by junk (wadded up papers, random books, kleenex boxes, my camera bag, writing utensils, notebooks, etc.).

My Momma helps to keep my mess in check--she doesn't let it get completely out of hand. Otherwise, honestly, it would spread all over the house.

To finish the title: I love designing and sometimes I gotta wonder where I'd be without my parents.

My {April} Resolutions

2010-03-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

HEY, DON'T LAUGH--I can have April Resolutions if I'm a little late on New Year's, right? (I'm very excited for the turn of the month--new months always excite me. :)

1. {TO STUDY HARD}

*Double take* He's not picking his nose. Just writing--fewf!

2. {TO TRY AND BE HAPPY}

3. {TO NOT GET FREAKED OUT TOO OFTEN}

Yes, I know this picture is terribly posed. ^_^

4. {TO TRY AND CLEAN UP AFTER MYSELF}

*sigh* Oh my, I know I'm terrible.

5. {TO ALWAYS USE MY IMAGINATION}

Jenna is such a cutie. :)

6. {TO ENJOY BUT NOT PIG OUT}

Granola is just so good... *sigh*

7. {TO BE MORE OPTIMISTIC}

You gotta grin when you take a look at that smile. :)

8. {TO BE SELF-CONFIDENT}

...regardless of what I see in the mirror.

9. {TO LOVE LIFE AS IT IS}

10. {TO APPRECIATE MY AWESOME FRIENDS :)}

Jenna and I. :)